by Vikki Vaught
Chapter 10
Early September 1823
The trip back to St. John’s Wood was miserable the next day. It rained the entire time, and the children were fractious. Who could blame them? It took them twice as long to get there as usual. Kathryn was a godsend. He couldn’t have done it without her. They arrived too late to take Kathryn to her mother’s, and he didn’t want to anyway.
Goodman took charge, and soon the children were in the nursery with their nurse and fast asleep. Elaine went straight to her room. Goodman put Kathryn in the blue room, and Jonathan asked her to come to his study so they could talk, once she was settled in.
When Kathryn arrived, Jonathan stood up and asked her to take a seat on the couch, then sat down beside her. “Kathryn, how can I ever thank you for all that you have done over the last two days? I don’t think I could have handled any of this without you. I want to ask you something, but I need you to listen to everything before you respond. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course, Jonathan. I’m here for you and I’ll listen. What is it that you need me to talk to me about?”
Jonathan gazed into Kathryn’s eyes. He could barely breathe, he was so anxious about what he was getting ready to do. “We get along extremely well, and I know that we’ve become very close friends. It’s clear that you already love the children, and Elaine idolizes you. I need your help in raising Frankford and Jane. Elaine will need you to help her when she has her come out in a few years.”
“Of course, I’ll be happy to help. I’ve grown to love the children and Elaine.”
Reaching for Kathryn’s hand, Jonathan’s voice shook as he continued. “I know that you don’t want to get married, but I would ask you to seriously consider marrying me. I promise it will be in name only, unless you change your mind about that. We would just be living together as friends who are married for the sake of the children. You know I never planned on marrying, but I can’t do this alone, and I can’t think of anyone that I would rather spend the rest of my life with than you. I have grown to care deeply for you, and I respect you tremendously. Please, will you do me the great honor of being my wife?”
Kathryn had a shocked look on her face. “Jonathan, I don’t know what to say. I never planned on marrying, and you know how I feel about my desire to be a professional artist. As I said, I do love the children, and I care about Elaine. I also care deeply for you. I need some time to think about this.”
Jonathan took her hand in his and stroked it. “Please, say yes. I promise I’ll be totally supportive in your desire to be an artist. I’ll help you find a studio in London where you can meet with your patrons. I’ll even make sure that everyone in the ton knows how good you are. You’ll have so many commissions you won’t know how to handle them all. You’ll have all the freedom you want. All I ask in return is for you to help me raise these children, and help Elaine with her come out.”
“Jonathan, I’ve been determined for years to never marry. I’m not sure I could do it.”
“I understand that, but people marry for many reasons. I think that friendship is probably the best reason. I know you’re afraid of being intimate, and I promise that I understand that. I’ll never bother you that way unless you decide that is what you want. Please, marry me.”
Kathryn released his hand and stood up, and then she turned to him. “I still need time to think about it. I need at least two weeks to consider this. I’m going to return to my mother’s house tomorrow after the entombment, and I don’t want to see you for two weeks. After that, you may call on me, and I’ll give you my answer.”
Jonathan stood up and sighed. “I understand. I need to go back to Bristol to meet with Roderick’s solicitor and get his affairs in order, but when I return I’ll call on you for your answer. I know this is a lot to ask, but could you keep the children for me while I’m gone? They have become so attached to you that I’m afraid they’ll be devastated if they lose you now.”
Kathryn twisted her hands in agitation, clearly distressed by this talk of marriage. “Jonathan, I don’t think that would be a good idea. If I decide not to marry you, they’ll be hurt even more after having two weeks to become even more attached to me, and me to them. I need to be alone to ponder this decision, and I won’t be able to do that with the children around. I know that you’re nervous about taking care of them, but you’ll be fine, and you’ll have Elaine to help you. Please, I must have these two weeks, or I’ll have to tell you no today.”
Jonathan realized he couldn’t press her any further, or he’d completely ruin any chance of her agreeing to his proposal. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. You’re right. I’ll take the children with me. I’ll muddle through some way. Just remember, I need you desperately and so do the children. I pray that you’ll decide to marry me, but I’ll give you the time you need. Let me escort you to your room so you can get some sleep. Thank you again for all that you’ve done.”
When they got to her door, she kissed him on the cheek and said good night, then went into her room. Jonathan felt a vise squeeze his heart when she closed her door. He was so afraid she would ultimately say no. All he could do was give her the time she asked for and pray she would say yes. He turned and slowly walked down the hall to his room.
They held the entombment the next morning. Frankford stood there stoically and didn’t cry. Jane wouldn’t go to anyone else except Kathryn, so she held her during the entire service. Lady Milsom was too distraught to be any help with the children. Her health wasn’t good anyway.
Jonathan didn’t know what he was going to do with the children once he took Kathryn back to her mother’s house that afternoon. Again, Kathryn had arranged for a repast to be served to everyone that came to the entombment. That afternoon, after the children went upstairs with their governess, Miss Mills, he took Kathryn back to her mother. They didn’t talk on the ride to Bath.
When they arrived, he helped her out of the carriage. “I’ll see you in two weeks. I’ll be praying that you’ll decide to marry me. All I ask is that you remember it will be in name only, unless you decide differently. I’ll set you up with your studio right away, instead of three years from now. There are many advantages to being my wife. I honor and respect you tremendously, and whatever you decide, you’ll always be able to count on me to continue to be your friend.”
Kathryn solemnly looked into his eyes. “Thank you, Jonathan, for saying that. Your friendship means the world to me, and I would be lost if you decided we couldn’t be friends, if I decide I can’t marry you. I promise I’ll give serious consideration to your proposal.”
Jonathan escorted her into the house, and as he was taking his leave, he took her hands and kissed them, then released her and slowly walked out of her house. As Jonathan got back into his carriage, he glanced back and saw Kathryn watching him from the window. He prayed that she would find it in her heart to say yes.
When Jonathan got back to his house, he went looking for Elaine and found her in the music room playing the pianoforte. “Elaine, I’m going to need your help with the children. I know that you’re grieving, but I can’t do this without you. I’ve asked Lady Kathryn to marry me, but she needs two weeks before she gives me her answer. Pray that she says yes, because we need her desperately. We’ll be leaving at eight o’clock tomorrow morning to return to Roderick’s estate. Can you be ready?”
“Oh Jonathan, I hope she says yes! The children love her already, and so do I. I’ll say a prayer every day that she says yes. I can be ready to leave in the morning. I’ll talk to Miss Mills and let her know so she can have the children ready. How are you doing?” Then Elaine lowered her head, the tears rolled down her cheeks as she continued, “I miss Roderick and Allison desperately, and my heart hurts from the pain of losing them.”
Jonathan held Elaine in his arms as she cried. He fought back the tears because he needed to be strong for her. She eventually stopped crying and left to go tell Miss Mills they would be leaving in the morning. As he watched her le
ave, he was so proud of how she was handling everything. He knew he was putting quite a bit on her young shoulders.
Jonathan spent the afternoon with Whetherby, making sure that all was well with the harvest. “My lord, the harvest went even better than we expected. Let me offer my condolences on the death of your brother. Everyone here was greatly saddened when we heard the news. It’s difficult to believe your brother and his wife are gone. You can count on me for anything you need. I want to help.”
Jonathan’s heart ached at the mention of Roderick and Allison. “Thank you, Whetherby, for handling everything while I was gone to Bristol. I’ll be returning to my brother’s estate tomorrow, and I expect to be gone for ten days. I’ll appreciate your continued support throughout this difficult time. If you need anything, please see my secretary, Stebbins. I’ll see you when I return.”
After Whetherby left his study, he sat there for a long time. He was feeling the desire to take a drink, but he fought off the temptation. He tried reading, but it wasn’t helping. It was even more important that he not give in to the desire for a drink, because he was now responsible for Frankford and Jane. Besides, he wouldn’t want to disappoint Kathryn, and he knew she would be if he drank.
As Jonathan continued to think about Kathryn, he felt the tension leave his body. Kathryn had such a calming effect on him. Just thinking of her helped tremendously.
Jonathan clasped his hands together and bowed his head as he began to pray. “Oh Lord, please open Kathryn’s heart. Help her deal with her fear. Show her that I will never do anything to hurt her. I know that in your infinite wisdom you will guide her in the right direction. If it be your will that she marry me, I promise I will take care of her and try to heal her wounded spirit with your help. If she says no, I ask that you help me deal with the rejection. Make me strong so I can be here for Roderick’s children. Help me deal with the temptation of drink. I can’t do it without your loving guidance. In your son’s most precious name I pray. Amen.”
It had been years since Jonathan had prayed—since before Waterloo. He felt a peace roll over him after he finished praying and knew he would be all right whatever Kathryn decided. He wanted to marry her desperately, even though he knew he wasn’t good enough for her. As much as he wanted her, he knew she had to make the decision that was best for her. He went to the music room, and as he began to play he felt the power of the music roll over him, and soon he was lost to the beauty of it.
The trip back to Westland Acres went well, and the children, while sad, behaved very well. He met with Roderick’s steward, Bartlow, and the harvest had indeed been very plentiful. “Bartlow, I appreciate you handling everything. I’ll need to depend on you in the future. I’ll be sending my secretary, Stebbins, here, so if you need anything, all you have to do is ask him, and he’ll handle it. I’ll be here for the next ten days, and I look forward to working with you. We’ll meet every morning at eight o’clock. Is that convenient for you?”
“That will be fine, my lord. Let me speak for everyone here and offer you our condolences. You brother was a fair man, and he treated his tenants well. He will be greatly missed by all of us. You can depend on us to take care of everything for the little master.” After their meeting, Bartlow left the room, and Jonathan attempted to go through Roderick’s papers, but it was just too painful. He left the study and went to the music room instead.
The next afternoon, he met with Roderick’s solicitor and Mr. Brooks read his brother’s will. All his affairs were in excellent shape, and he was doing very well on his investments. Roderick named Jonathan guardian to the children, as he had expected. Everything would be held in trust until Frankford reached his majority at one and twenty.
The next ten days went by excruciatingly slow. He wanted to see Kathryn again so badly. He continued to pray daily for God’s wisdom, and every night he played the pianoforte to keep his nerves calm.
Over the fortnight, Kathryn spent most of her time alone. Her mother had wanted to talk about her trip and the tragedy of Roderick and Allison, but she refused to tell her mother anything. Marriage was something she had never wanted, but she did want to help Jonathan. She knew he was at a loss when it came to the children, and she had grown quite fond of Frankford and Jane.
Kathryn decided she wouldn’t tell her mother that Jonathan had asked her to marry him because she knew her mother would try to talk her into it. This was something she had to decide all on her own. Kathryn just prayed that God would help guide her and help her decide what was best for her.
She knew Jonathan had said it would be a marriage in name only…
And that it would be just for the children…
But…could she really trust him?
Her fear of men was overwhelming, and the thought of putting her complete trust in any man was frightening. Jonathan was the kindest and most gentle man she had ever known, and she did respect him tremendously, but marriage was totally different than trusting him as her friend.
Each day she took long walks with Sarah, and she would sit in Queen’s Square and draw for hours. Her mind kept replaying Jonathan’s proposal over and over again to the point it felt as if she were going mad. She was torn between wanting to help Jonathan and the children and fear at the very thought of marriage. She wished she had Melody or Helen to talk to. She knew they would give her good advice, but unfortunately, neither one of them were available, and this wasn’t something that she felt she could put in a letter.
Kathryn realized that a huge part of her wanted to say yes. She loved the idea of being a mother to Frankford and Jane. She knew she valued Jonathan’s friendship tremendously, and the thought of seeing him every day thrilled her because he was the best friend she’d ever had. Kathryn prayed daily for God’s guidance, but even after twelve days, she was no closer to making a decision. There were only two more days until Jonathan would return for her answer. She just hoped she would have one for him when the time was up. Looking up at the clock, she realized that it was almost luncheon, so she put down her book, which she hadn’t been able to concentrate on anyway, and headed downstairs.
Kathryn’s mother was already sitting at the table when she entered. Just as soon as Kathryn sat down, the footman served them. “Kathryn, you seem very distracted ever since you returned from Bristol. I’m sure it was awful for you there. I never asked you—were you able to finish the portrait before the marquess’s brother and his wife died?”
Kathryn’s eyes filled with tears. “No, I didn’t finish it. I do believe I have enough sketches that I’ll be able to complete it. When Jonathan comes by the day after tomorrow, I’m going to tell him.” Then Kathryn realized that she had let her mother know that she expected Jonathan to come see her, and that she had also called him by his given name in front of her mother.
The duchess looked over at Kathryn with shock in her eyes. “I didn’t realize that you used the marquess’s given name. You must have grown closer to each other than you led me to believe. I just knew there was an attraction between the two of you.”
Interrupting her mother, Kathryn quickly said, “It’s not what you think, Mother. Lord Sutherland and I are just friends, nothing more. When he lost his brother, we just slipped into calling each other by our given names. I promise you, it doesn’t mean anything other than friendship.” Then, changing the subject and hoping to distract her mother, Kathryn asked, “Now, are we still going to that new play this evening?”
“Oh yes, I’ve heard that it is excellent, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Lady Milsom and her husband are meeting us there.” Glancing up at the clock, the duchess exclaimed, “My goodness, look at the time! I’m due at Madame Bovary’s in fifteen minutes. Kathryn, I’ll see you at dinner, and then we’ll leave immediately after we eat for the theater.” Kathryn’s mother stood up and walked from the room.
Thank goodness her mother remembered that appointment. Kathryn hoped that her mother would forget about her slip-up before they saw each other again. She had done so
well in keeping her mother unaware of Jonathan’s proposal, and she wanted to keep it that way. The last thing Kathryn wanted was her mother finding out about that.
Oh, what was she going to do?
Jonathan would be here for his answer in two days, and she was still not sure what she wanted to do. No, that was not true. If she were honest with herself, she knew she wanted to marry him. That wasn’t the issue at all, really.
Oh, if she could just be sure she could trust Jonathan!
He did say the marriage would be in name only.
Once Kathryn returned to her room, she got down on her knees and prayed, “Dear Lord, I need your guidance and wisdom right now more than ever before. I want to be there for Jonathan, and the children, and Elaine. I know that they need my help. Give me the strength to make the right decision for all of us. I ask this in your son’s precious name. Amen.”
Kathryn felt a huge sense of peace wash over her, knowing that she had turned this over to God. She knew in her heart that the right thing was to trust in God to show her the truth.
Chapter 11
September 1823
Finally, it was time to go back to St. John’s Wood. Elaine was invaluable in keeping the children entertained on the trip back. The weather cooperated, and the return trip went by quickly. For the next four days, he kept himself busy by riding out with his steward every day. In the evenings, he played his pianoforte long into the night. He prayed constantly that Kathryn would be able to see past her fear and agree to marry him.
