Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  I hadn’t seen Reed in so long that I was a little surprised when he walked through the locker room door to the outside deck for the afternoon shift. I was finishing up my last break with Tyler, who was giving me a pep talk before working a double-shift, one with Reed. He seemed to have come back to the world of the living some. His tired face looked well-rested now, shaven and put together. He was wearing an old Detroit Tigers hat, the trucker style ones with mesh netting on the back. His hair was back to being perfect, curling a bit around the edges of his hat.

  He seemed somehow older, somehow more mature. And when he slid up on the counter by the front desk to wait for the rest of the afternoon shifters to show up, he turned his face in my direction. I couldn’t read the expression from his eyes because of his sunglasses, but I could make out the undeniable dimple on his cheek from his half-smile. I slowly turned to look back at the crowd of swimmers wading in the water, hoping my sunglasses disguised the emotion on my face just as his did.

  “You sure you don’t need me to stay? I don’t mind,” Tyler asked, leaning his knee into mine as we sat side-by-side in the deck chairs.

  “No, I have to do this sometime. Might as well be now,” I said with a heavy sigh.

  “OK, but if it’s too much, just let me know, and I’ll sign up for a double tomorrow, ok?” he said, standing. I nodded with a small smile to show him how much I appreciated his kindness. Tyler walked behind my chair and then leaned his head down above me a bit. I saw his shadow cast over me, but didn’t think anything of it until his lips landed square atop my head and he whispered “be careful.”

  Looking up right away, I’m not sure if my face wore surprise or worry. “Thanks,” I said, just watching him disappear through the snack bar behind me. As I turned to sneak another glance at Reed, I know my face turned to sickness. He was staring at me, his glasses off now. His smile was nowhere to be found. What replaced it was a heavy brow and a look that had my heart racing for fear that he was going to shout obscenities at me from across the pool.

  Why did I let myself worry over what Reed saw? I knew it didn’t mean anything and he gave up all rights to being upset over me and whomever I decided to be friends with the second he called me a whore during his drunken stupor.

  I was deep in thought over this when I realized he was walking straight towards me. I was trapped, leaving now would be obvious and cowardly. I dug my heels in and readied myself for a fight.

  “You and Tyler seem to be getting along well,” he said, short and cold.

  I just stared at him through my glasses, keeping them on in case my eyes gave me away. I wanted to show a strong front. “He’s a good friend. He was there for me when someone destroyed my character in front of everyone I know,” I said, turning my head to look back out over the water. I could feel him staring at me, but I wasn’t going to crack. It was killing me.

  “Nolan, I don’t remember any of that. Sean told me what I said, and I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it…I was pretty fucked up…and after what Tatum had told me you have to understand that my head wasn’t on right. I’m just finally crawling out of the dark place she put me in,” he said, his tone not really regretful but almost defensive. This just made me angrier. I realize what Tatum had done was very much about him, but what he didn’t seem to understand was it had ruined me, and I was an innocent casualty of it all. And the worst pain was inflicted by him.

  Knowing I would regret not showing him the stuff I was holding onto deep down inside, I sucked in deeply and stood to square myself with him. Pulling my glasses off, I made sure to get close enough to make him uncomfortable. “Reed, I’m only going to do this once, so you better listen. I don’t know how you’ve never taken the briefest of moments to ruminate on how this last month played out for me, but let me get you up to speed.

  “That night that I drove to your house, I was dreaming, Reed. Dreaming about how I might actually get to be with this stupid fucking boy who had my head all twisted and my heart wrapped around his finger. This boy that I loved secretly for two years, all the while watching him kiss and sleep with this demented bitch who bullied me in the most horrible ways. Horrible, Reed. She was horrible to me!

  “And then my world slid off balance the second I saw you holding her again, your lips grazing her face to comfort her. And while you think you fought for me, Reed, you really didn’t. You just let me go. And I cried. For days.”

  He was expressionless staring at me. He was also speechless. And I was shaking from this truth that I’d held so close to my vest. But getting it out felt so liberating, I had to keep going.

  “And let’s talk about what I think about drunk Reed, huh? Shall we?” I poked a finger in his chest a little, mimicking his drunken gesture. “Boy, Reed. He’s an asshole! Like, a major asshole. I know Sean told you that you said some horrible things to me, but did he really give you the play-by-play?” He stilled, his shoulders tensing a little. He was uncomfortable in his skin, and I knew he didn’t know the exact words he had uttered.

  “You asked me if I was fucking Tyler now. You know, after fucking Sean.” He sucked in a deep breath, his eyebrows raising a little, taking in his own words. “And then you wondered how I could have skipped over fucking you.”

  Gathering more strength, I stepped into him even closer. “Really? Now, hearing that, is it so hard to wonder?” I held his gaze for a long time. His eyes revealed his shame. I had shamed him, and for once it felt amazing. Not wanting to hear any more excuses or half-ass apologies, I flipped my glasses back on and walked past him over to the front deck to line up for station assignments.

  Todd still managed to keep us fairly far apart for the rest of the afternoon. I looked over to see Reed looking at me from time to time, but gone was his cocky smile and angry, jealous glare. He looked like a puppy caught peeing on the rug, and while I was sure I would feel bad about it eventually, for the time being I was still reveling in the superiority.

  He was taking one of his breaks with one of the other girls on staff, and though I tried to ignore it, I still snuck in glances to watch over her fruitless efforts to flirt with Reed. This morning, he might have indulged her and made a show of it in front of me. But now? Today I stripped him a bit of his confidence.

  The regular swimmers had all gone home and I was waiting on the deck for Nancy to arrive. A few of the other members of the therapy class had shown up so I was sure she’d be here soon. I was up front by Penny when Reed came around the corner to the exit, stopping in my view. I turned away from him, and as I did I saw Nancy and her mom walking up from the parking lot. I decided to meet them outside, and when Nancy saw me coming, she ran up to me and jumped at me giving me a huge hug.

  “No-line, No-line, No-line!” she said with the most thrilling enthusiasm heard by my ears. She had a hard time saying my name, and it came out with the cutest accent.

  “Hey there, pretty mermaid princess. You ready to swim?” I asked her, kneeling down and letting her twirl in front of me. She just turned to me and nodded yes with a huge grin. I stood up and told her mom I’d meet them by the pool and she thanked me and headed into the locker room.

  When I turned back around, Reed was staring at me, the faintest of smiles on his face. I just smiled back softly, mostly out of respect for the joy that Nancy brought me. I walked through the gate to Penny’s desk and pulled out the paperwork for Nancy’s lessons. We had a checklist to work through each day and when she was done I was going to give her a special diploma.

  “What’s going on?” Reed asked quietly, almost afraid to speak. He coughed a little to clear his unsure throat.

  I just looked him in the eye, my brow furrowed a little. I was confused that he was asking and still suspicious. I wondered if I would ever stop being suspicious again. “Uhhh… I’m volunteering?” That’s all I gave him.

  He smiled with his familiar face, the one he used to show me when I said something sarcastic. “Yeah, I get that. But what’s it for?”

  “Hmmmm. Well, it�
�s this cool program Todd told me about the other day. I’ve been thinking that maybe I want to get into special education in college. I’ve been working with Nancy. She has extreme anxiety, and our swim lessons make her forget about it for a while,” I paused for a minute, looking up at him and then back down at her checklist. “We’re sort of good for each other, you know?”

  One final brief smile shot from my mouth and then I left for the pool deck where Nancy was waiting for me. We slowly climbed into the water and went through our floating exercises, her giggles filling the air with this perfectly soothing sound. She was a magical little girl, and when I saw her conquer her fears, it made me stronger. I knew that I owed my strength today to her.

  When I turned her back around to head back to the other end of the pool, I noticed that Reed had stayed to watch our session. He was sitting on the bleachers with his knees bent up and his arms folded on them, his chin down like he was studying me. He seemed lost a little in his thoughts, and when he wiped his nose along his sleeve a little I thought that perhaps Nancy’s giggle had gotten to him just a little, too.

  Reed stayed to watch a little of my next session, too. We didn’t talk at all during the day, but he stayed after to talk to Penny for a bit and then I caught him lingering by the bleachers again. I didn’t ask Penny what they had talked about, but I had a feeling it might have been a little about me.

  Wednesday morning was the first one on my own completely. No Tyler keeping me company. He had a special practice with his private diving coach. It was strange how much time dragged without Tyler or Reed around to distract me, both in their opposite ways. They both walked into the aquatics center at the same time and seemed to be behaving friendly towards one another. Reed sat on the other end of the counter from me, still respecting my need for distance. Tyler slid over and put his arm around me and I saw Reed’s face grimace a little.

  The day went along as usual until my first break with Tyler. He bought me an energy drink, which wasn’t new, but then he toyed with me a little, holding it over my head and pulling it out of reach whenever I grabbed for it. On the last attempt, he caught my arm with his hand and pulled me close, intimately close. “I’ll give it to you on one condition,” he smirked.

  “Hmmmmm, I don’t know. I don’t want a cherry energy drink that badly, Tyler. I don’t know that this deck is really stacked in your favor,” I joked, but I was also trying to hide my own fear over where this was going.

  “OK, you drive a hard bargain,” he smiled again. His body was so strong and wide, his broad chest almost swallowed me whole. “I’ll throw in this bag of Red Vines.”

  That had me laughing uncontrollably. I gathered my composure and then asked “what are your terms, sir?”

  “Dinner,” he said, but then held up his hand. “Uh…a date. A dinner date.”

  I gulped a bit, almost like a cartoon. I didn’t want to have to answer this. I was at a fork in my road. The one where I told my friends I would turn right, but I instead wanted to pull out my GPS and recalculate.

  “Think about it, today. Don’t answer now, but before you leave, OK?” he said, almost sensing my panic. I just nodded and he gave me my treats, not that I could stomach them right now. He sat down and I caught the smirk on his face as he leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes.

  I tore at the package of Red Vines a little and then looked up to see Reed watching the entire thing, almost as if it was a show I put on just for him. And that made my heart sink, which worried me all the more.

  I was waiting for Nancy at the front desk when Tyler came out and my knees went weak. I knew he was expecting an answer, and I didn’t know which one to give. In perfect timing, Reed came around the corner after him, which only made it worse. He looked at the two of us standing near one another and the discomfort he had over the scene was apparent. His eyes were scanning, like he was looking for an out, a distraction.

  When one of the other girl guards came out of the locker room he approached her right away, careful not to make eye contact with me at all. I think her name was Morgan. She was one of the girls constantly flirting with Reed. Tyler was talking to me, something about where would I like to go if we in fact go to dinner on Friday night. I was nodding and pretending to think, but all of me was elsewhere. Eavesdropping.

  I heard Morgan giggle a little, and I heard Reed say “I’ll drive. Just drop your stuff off at your car.”

  I watched them leave then I saw him pick her up and wrap her around his back like a backpack, turning around for just a moment to make sure I was watching. I was. And I hated it. That was supposed to be us, and seeing him do that with another girl was forcing me to make my turn.

  “So what do you think?” Tyler asked, kicking at my feet a little, startling me.

  “OK, let’s do it. I already ate my Red Vines anyways,” I smiled, even though I was screaming and squirming on the inside.

  I spent the night with Sienna and was in desperate need for a little therapy session with my good friend who always gave it to me straight. I just couldn’t understand why I was so torn in my feelings, I knew I needed to move on. And I was also pretty puzzled by Tyler’s interest in me. I was never the it girl. I was the girl on the edges. I hung out with the right people and was well-liked, sure, but it’s not like I was the girl on the playground in grade school that the boys chased or walked home. I was the one they picked first for their soccer team.

  “Nolan, do you seriously not see yourself?” Sienna said, grabbing my hand and taking me over to the mirror on the back of her closet door. “Just stop. Stand here, and I’m going to make you look at yourself. Really look at yourself.”

  I stood there feeling ridiculous, fidgeting and crisscrossing my legs. I didn’t know what I was supposed to see.

  “Noles, you aren’t 12 any more. You’re 16, almost 17. You’re taller than most of the girls in our class. Your hair makes Sarah, Becky and I so stupid jealous. Your skin is like a baby—seriously, do you even get pimples? You don’t have to wear make up because you already look like one of those ads in the teen magazines for clean skin. You have eyes that can’t hide anything, which as your friend makes it really easy for me to know when you need me,” she kept going, nudging me a little. Then she sat back on the end of her bed, and let out a sigh, almost exasperated.

  “Your body is curved in the right places. Unlike me, you actually need to wear a bra for support. You can wear cute little shorts and show your stomach. Yet you don’t show it off and flaunt it like Tatum did. You’re just you, with all of this stuff going on underneath,” she said, waving her hand up and down at me. “And you’re smart. Like, really smart. And you’re so strong. You have no idea how strong you are, Nolan. I’m so envious of you. But I’m so grateful for you, too.”

  I turned slowly with a tight smile, a little uncomfortable from all of the flattery but also so grateful to have Sienna in my life. I walked over and slumped on the bed next to her, lying down beside her and staring at the ceiling. After a while of silence, I just said “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said, giving my hand a squeeze and then we continued to lay there and think. “What are you going to wear on this date?”

  I laughed a little. I had no idea.

  By the time I showed up for work early Friday morning, my stomach was in knots. Thursday was full of more flirting between Reed and the girl who I now confirmed was named Morgan. Tyler showed up for only the afternoon session. We took our breaks together like normal, but when the work day was over Tyler grabbed his towel and lassoed it around my back and dragged me towards him. I put my hands on his chest, which was spectacular, to stop myself short of making too much contact with him. I was still worrying about Reed seeing me, it seemed.

  “Caught you,” he teased with a wry smile.

  “It seems you have,” I just smiled back.

  “I’ll be back before you’re done with Nancy, ok? Going to head home to grab a change of clothes before dinner. You sure you’re ok driving back lat
e tonight by yourself?” he asked.

  “I’m sure,” I nodded and sent him on his way. Truthfully, I wanted to have the ability to high-tail it out of dodge if I had a panic attack, so I wanted to drive myself to wherever we were going.

  While I was standing up front waiting for Nancy and her mom I caught a glimpse of Reed walking through the parking lot with Morgan, his hand smack on her ass as he leaned over and kissed the side of her neck. It made me sick. Then I saw him turn to get a glimpse of me, and he nodded just to confirm that we both saw each other, got where we stood. Yeah, I got it. Loud and clear.

  My final lesson with Nancy was so touching. She had made me a thank you card and her mom gave me a basket of cookies. I presented her with her diploma. I told her mom I was thinking of going into special education and she encouraged it. The entire thing was so very touching. I hugged them both when they left and smiled as Tyler walked in dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a tight gray T-shirt, his hair neatly combed back, minus the few very sexy strays that were flirting with his face.

  “You’re early,” I teased, as I passed him on my way to my car. “I have to change. Mind waiting just a few? My stuff is in the car.”

  “I’ve got nowhere I’d rather be,” he said with a devilish smile, sliding on the counter to wait for me. I just smiled back and turned to get my stuff.

  I reached through the passenger side back seat to grab my bag and slide it over. When I tilted up I noticed something on my windshield. When I walked to the front to grab it I realized it was a white rose with a small note.

  You’re amazing.

  That was all it said. I smelled it to take in the sweetness and then placed it safely on the passenger seat of my car. I wasn’t sure when Tyler had left it there, but it was a nice way to start our date. I skipped inside and changed into a knee-length cotton skirt with a soft T and short-sleeved sweater. It was cool for the warm night but would keep me warm if the restaurant was cold.