Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  I pulled my phone out to read another text from Tyler, firming up our plans for the weekend. I told him I’d see him at his meet and just wait for him after so we could go out. I had to get my head back on right, and maybe seeing Tyler was just what I needed.

  As the weeks passed, I saw Tyler more and more. I went to a few of his meets, all of which he won. It was amazing to me the level of athleticism he had, yet only a few people watched him dive from platforms while thousands drove hundreds of miles to watch Reed throw a ball.

  Tyler and I spent a few evenings at his house, our make-out sessions getting a little bit more intense. And I was growing more comfortable with my body and sharing it with him. It was early October, and the air was starting to chill at night, so we would sit out on his parents’ patio by a large fire pit they had built-in next to the pool. This was the first time he had managed to completely remove my shirt and bra.

  When I drove out to meet him, I had planned for this to happen, wanted it even. But driving home after our date, I felt a little empty about it. Almost a bit used. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, so I wondered if it was just my nerves making me doubt it. There was also the lingering guilt I felt for Reed. It wasn’t that he was giving me any new signs that he was interested, but I constantly replayed his confession that he loved me in my head. Frankly, it was starting to make me feel numb on some level. I think that’s why I was being so forward and sexual with Tyler. It was like I was trying to force myself to feel sparks when I was with him.

  Homecoming at Coolidge High was coming up soon. I had purchased a special ticket for the dance, which was always held on the Saturday after the game. I got a pass to bring Tyler with me, but Friday night after the game was a special student lock-in at the school, and only students were allowed to attend. I was going to skip it, but Becky, Sarah and Sienna worked on me for days until I finally gave in. We were all on the planning committee for special events, so at least I had a say in the various activities we scheduled for the all-nighter.

  Since Tyler wasn’t able to come to the lock-in, I didn’t ask him to come to the game. I’m sure he would have, but part of me also wanted to spend one night on my own, with the girls. Sienna got to the field early for a special performance by the band. I picked up Sarah and we both met Becky there a little before the game. We walked up to the top of the stands so we could rest our backs on the solid wall along the press box.

  Our team was heading back into the locker room; they would come back out for a special entrance, breaking through the stacked pyramids of cheerleaders holding the giant State Champions banner. The entire scene had a certain entertainment value to it, but we all loved it. I had grown up watching it. And now, now that the team was winning behind our hometown quarterback hero, the tradition made us all feel something extra. Pride, I think.

  Sarah and I cheered loudly for Sienna as the band took the field, trying to embarrass her. We were satisfied when we were pretty sure she blushed a bit and sat down to watch her performance. The crowd joined in when they played the fight song as the announcer called the State Champion Bears to the field. Reed and Sean were leading the team, holding their helmets high over their heads as they ran through the cheerleaders and rainbow of balloons. The display was supposed to intimidate our opponents, but we always scheduled our homecoming game against a school we were guaranteed to beat, so I didn’t think we could intimidate them much more than just forcing them to stand on the same field with our boys, who were all heads and shoulders bigger than they were.

  I caught Reed’s attention as he turned around and scanned the bleachers. I gave him a bit of a thumbs up and he gave a small one back. My tummy felt warm from this silly victory, but I took it anyhow. Sarah just rolled her eyes at me.

  A crowd was gathering down at the corner of the bleachers when I realized that it was because of Buck. He had come to the game. I knew this meant a lot to Reed, and I was really happy to see him out and on his feet. But I also felt like I needed to check on him, ask him to take it easy.

  I excused myself from Becky and Sarah and climbed down clumsily to the bottom steps. I waited patiently until the other boosters and teachers had gotten their greetings in. When I finally caught his attention, he smiled brightly and just reached out for a hug.

  “That’s my girl,” he said, giving me a warm squeeze.

  “Hey,” I said back, so happy to see him. “You look great. How are you feeling?”

  “Oh, I’m getting there. Taking it slow, cross my heart,” he swiped his finger over his chest twice. “Was just dying to get back out here, though. I hate that I missed so many of their games. This is it for me, you know. This is the stuff.”

  I just smiled and nodded. This was ‘the stuff’ for him. And how envious I was of him that he knew exactly what made him happy in life. I guess deep down I did, too.

  “Well you be careful, ok? Take it easy? I’m just sitting up there with the girls if you need anything,” I patted his shoulder as I went to climb back up the steps.

  “OK then. Same goes for you, you know,” he winked. And I did know. Through it all, I had grown to really love Buck, and I was so grateful for my relationship with him.

  As predicted, the game was a complete blowout. Reed even threw a few Hail Mary passes down the field just for practice. I texted Tyler the score and told him I’d give him a call in the morning after the lock-in. It took him a while to respond, but I didn’t really mind. This night was for me, and I was taking it.

  Sarah and I worked the check-in table for the students coming into the gym for the lock in. We had secured the gym area, locker rooms and attached health and science hallways and classrooms for the night. Each room had a different activity, and the gym was for dancing of course, which is where I knew Sarah would spend most of the night. I had come up with the idea for an Adam Sandler movie room, which is where I was planning to spend at least a few hours.

  The crowd was getting fairly large and most of the students had started to dance to the music in the gym when the football players finally started to arrive. Each time a new one came in, there was a round of screaming from the girls in the gym.

  I was counting the cash in our box to see how many $5 entries we had taken when Reed walked in with Sean. Becky ran over to Sean right away, wrapping her arms and legs around him and dragging him to the dance floor. Reed just stood there smiling at his helpless friend. I was staring, and when his eyes snapped to mine, I startled and started counting again, though I had no idea what number I was on.

  I could feel his presence when he walked closer to me and started saying random numbers. “Forty five, sixty, three hundred, fifteen,” he joked.

  I elbowed him in the side, blew the stray hairs from my face and put the money back into a pile on the table in front of me. “You ass, now I have to start over.”

  He just winked as he pulled out his wallet and gave me an extra $5. “Start with that one,” he smiled, the smile. It was the first time in a long time we had talked, and the first time he gave that smile to me. It was short-lived as he put his arm around one of the senior cheerleaders and walked over to a corner of the gym with her, dropping his practice bag and taking her by the arm to lead her out into the hallway. His hair was wet from showering, and he was wearing his baggy jeans and a long-sleeved gray T-shirt with the short-sleeved plaid button one over it. My favorite shirt. The shirt he was half wearing when he said he loved me, I thought.

  Sarah coughed a little to bring me back to reality. “Start counting, sister,” she was snarky.

  “Oh yeah, uh… sorry,” I said, starting with my pile again.

  The doors were locked by 10:30 p.m. Sarah and I talked to a couple of the teacher chaperones and gave them the envelope of the money we’d raised. Not wanting to waste any more time, Sarah pulled me to the dance floor where Sienna was standing awkwardly waiting for us. She had picked all of the music for the night, so of course it was all something we could dance to.

  We spent the first hour of th
e lock-in dancing with a lot of the other girls. Most of the boys at the party were sitting along the walls watching. Typical, I thought.

  I could only keep up the poor showing of hip-hop that came from my feet for so long. I leaned over to tell Sarah and Sienna that I was going to check out the movie rooms and they both nodded. Sienna was determined to learn some step that Sarah was trying to teach her. Hopeless. But I admire her determination.

  The halls were quiet, no one tucked in a corner making out. I was glad of that, mostly someone in particular. I looked into the room that was showing scary movies and saw a lot of seniors sitting in there, some cuddling a little too close. The chaperones are going to have an issue with that.

  Not really in the mood for blood and gore, I stopped in at the game room. Sean and Reed were in there playing a competitive game of ping pong. I slid into a seat next to Becky and asked her who was winning. She said it was all tied up and they have to play a tie-breaker game. Just then, Sean hit a shot that nicked the corner of the table and sent the ball flying into my lap. I jumped a little with surprise and then held the ball out in my hand to give it to Reed.

  He had a sinister grin as he turned to me, his eyes lowering a little. I felt very much like prey that he was focusing on.

  “I believe that’s my ball, madam,” he snickered.

  Oh, he was being playful tonight, huh? I can do this. “That’s funny. I heard you didn’t have any balls,” I smiled right back at him, tossing the ball up in my hand and catching it.

  Reed bit his bottom lip a little and nodded with a little laugh. I tossed the ball to him and he caught it, winking at me before he turned around. I sat by Becky for a few more points, mostly to see if this strange flirtation that had been lost for so long was going to make another appearance, but when Reed remained focused on the game, I felt disappointed. Not wanting to be caught moping, I told Becky I was going to check out some of the other rooms and left my seat.

  I finally found my room, the Sandler one. This felt like home. There were a lot of people spread about the floor with sleeping bags, pillows and popcorn. This room was full of laughter. Yes, that’s what I needed.

  When I found a spot in the back, I slid down the wall and stretched my legs out in front of me. It felt good to rest for a while. I pulled my sweatshirt off after a while and rolled it up behind my back for a little more support. It was “The Wedding Singer,” another favorite. I had been watching it for about 30 minutes when the door cracked open, shedding light across the room again. Squinting, I tried to tell who had just come in.

  Reed stood by the door for a few minutes, surveying the room. I kept a watchful eye on him from my periphery and my heart jumped a little when I noticed him notice me and start in my direction.

  “Hey, this seat taken?” he whispered, kneeling down next to me.

  “No sir, I came to this show solo. It’s all yours if you want it,” I said, immediately regretting the syrupy words as they left my mouth. I was trying too hard.

  He just smiled and slid down next to me, our shoulders touching ever so slightly. I had seen this movie dozens of times, which was good, because I most certainly wasn’t watching it now.

  My legs were getting tired, so I pulled them up to crisscross them in front of me, pulling my sweatshirt out from my back to cover them a little since I was chilly. Reed was watching my lap as I spread the shirt over my knees and tucked it under my legs. I caught a glimpse of the smirk on his face, too. After a few minutes he scooted in front of me and laid his head on my lap, propping it up just enough to see the movie. He tilted it up for just a second and flashed me a big, toothy smile. “Mind?” he said.

  My insides were saying “never.” But when I responded to Reed I kept it less needy, just shrugging and smiling a bit.

  Reed laid there for the next hour, and somewhere along the way, my feet fell asleep, both of them. But I didn’t dare move. Not even a twitch. You could amputate my legs after this for all I cared, I was not going to be the reason he got up and left.

  The movie ended and someone sitting near the door switched half of the lights on, forcing most of us to groan and throw our hands over our faces. “Ooooooh, that’s bright,” Reed said, sitting up. I just rubbed my forehead and grimaced back.

  Someone up front announced that “The Water Boy” was up next, and Reed smiled, looking at me. “I love that one,” he said.

  “Me, too. You know, these are all mine,” I admitted. “Well, actually… my dad’s the collector. But it’s sort of our thing.”

  The million-dollar smile was back. “That’s awesome,” he said, nodding in approval. He was looking around the room a bit and then came back to me. “I’m thirsty. You want something?”

  “Water would be great,” I said.

  “OK, coming right up,” he said, jumping up to a standing position and shaking out his legs a little.

  He reached into his back pocket as he walked away, pulling a dark gray beanie hat out that he slid over his hair, which was now dry and sticking up in all directions from laying on my lap. The long pieces were poking out from all sides, dark perfect curls. He was adorable, and I knew I was lost to him again. It was more than just his tall, strong body and perfect smile, though. It was seeing him with his dad. The way he thanked me for being there. It was holding him while he cried. And, to be truthful, it was still hearing his groggy voice say he loved me, though that was becoming more and more of a memory now.

  The next movie started, and I rolled up my shirt and made it into a pillow, leaning back and finally propping it under my head by the wall. I shook my feet out and rubbed my legs a little. I was feeling a bit of atrophy for sure.

  I was stalking the doorway, holding my breath each time it opened. But it was never Reed. I had sat up again and moved my position a few times, and being as familiar with the movie as I was, I knew that it had been quite some time since Reed had left. Curious, I got to my feet and ventured out the door.

  The hallways were still dark and quiet, which was good. I stopped briefly to look through the tiny windows at each of the various rooms. The game room door was still propped open, but the only people in there were playing video games. Reed wasn’t anywhere to be found.

  I made my way back to the gym and opened the doors. There were a lot of people in the middle dancing, about three times as many from the time I left. I managed to find my way to Sarah who was still going full throttle. She was dancing with one of the senior football players, grinding a little. I noticed a lot of people were doing that, probably because they were in the middle of a crowd and out of the view of the chaperones standing several yards away by the snack table.

  Sarah gave me a little nod, a gesture to ask if I needed something. I just waved her off though. I didn’t need to admit out loud that I was on a desperate, and almost panicked, search for Reed. I found Sienna dancing with a few of her friends from band toward the edge of the circle. Her hair was damp with sweat.

  “Sarah really worked you out, huh?” I said, pulling at the ends of her hair a little.

  She just blew up to cool off her forehead and nodded. “I’m going to get it one day, Nolan. I swear,” she joked.

  I just smiled, still turning my head to scan the crowd. I stayed near Sienna until I spotted Reed. He was with the group near the center. He had managed to find the senior cheerleader he came in with. And his dancing was rivaling Sarah’s. My whole world seemed to switch to slow motion as I watched the girl turn to put her back to him and push into him closely. His hands grabbed her thighs and he slid them up as she lifted her arms in the air and he continued all the way up until he grabbed her hands in the air and spun her around into him, rocking his hips with hers…closely.

  I had seen enough. I couldn’t help the little chortle that escaped my throat as I stifled what I knew was going to be a hard cry. I started walking quickly, almost jogging, to the large double doors that led to the locker rooms and hallway. My sweatshirt caught a little as I slammed into them, making more of a scene than
I had wanted. I jerked at it and got myself through the doors and started to run to the women’s locker room.

  The cold metal of the lockers was like fire on my hot face as I leaned into them, turning to slide my back against them as I let the tears come on full force now. I heard the sound of the doors slam again seconds later and I held my breath, hoping I could hide from anyone coming in, until I saw Reed’s frame fill the hallway leading to the lockers.

  “Oh god,” I said through the tears, embarrassed and not wanting him to see me. I turned to walk quickly, heading farther into the locker room, somehow thinking I could either lose him or he would change his mind and leave.

  He didn’t, though. His hand grabbed my wrist when I tried to pick up speed and he jerked me back into him, trying to wrap me up in his arms. I fought against his chest, beating against it with my pitiful fists. “Reed, just go. Just let me go, I don’t want you to see me,” I begged, but he stayed.

  I fought harder, my hair flying wild around me and my sweatshirt falling from my waist and dragging on the floor. I was forced to stop when my back hit the bank of tall lockers along the back wall.

  “Nolan, stop fighting me. Just stop!” he yelled, slamming one of his hands on the locker next to my head. He took a deep breath and moved his other hand to slide my nest of hair from out of my tear-strewn face, flinching a little when he realized how hard I had been crying.

  “Oh, Nolan. You’re crying,” he was tender, his eyes showing his own hurt. My bottom lip was still quivering and I just looked down at both of our feet. He was so close I could taste him. It was almost like I could feel his lips without them even touching mine.

  He tucked my hair behind my ears and moved his sleeve down over his palm a little to wipe away my tears from my cheeks, which of course only made me start to cry again. Exasperated, he let his arms slump next to his sides. He stepped back a little and turned from me, groaning with frustration, kicking at the other lockers and then swearing. When he came back to face me, he put both palms flat against the lockers on either side of my head. He took his thumb and lifted my chin to force my gaze to his. My eyes were puffy and hard to open. Everything was blurry.