“Uh,…” I stalled, looking for the right words, crooking my mouth to the side and taking a deep breath. Reed just looked at me, shaking his head and wondering what I was going to say. “I’m sorry… but… did Calley and Tatum sign your cast?”
I was being so careful, and I hated that I was acting like this. Almost afraid of him, afraid of making him mad. But inside I was screaming.
Reed rolled the cast a little and looked at it and just shrugged a bit. “Oh, yeah. They were both at my mom’s when I got back from the hospital, volunteering for one of her things. Whatever,” he said as if it was no big deal.
No big deal. Perhaps it wasn’t. Maybe I was making it a big deal in my own mind. Except, he had to know that of all names he could walk around wearing for two and a half months, these were possibly the only two that could break my heart, if only just a little. Instead of confronting him, though, I just swallowed my emotions and tucked them back deep down inside and plastered on my fake smile.
The first few weeks of school went about the same. Reed and I saw each other in the hall and in the two classes we had together. We held hands and he kissed my lips lightly when we parted. But there was no depth. It was as if we were characters in a play, carrying out our parts for a rehearsal, but saving the real emotion. I just didn’t know exactly what we were saving it for.
Reed wasn’t the only one to blame. I was just as much of a zombie as he was, allowing him to ignore me until he had to come face-to-face with me, pretending that it wasn’t bothering me. I just went on with my days and then sat awake until the late hours of the night watching my phone, each night thinking he would call. And then he didn’t. I didn’t either, though.
We texted the few times we had plans, but that was it. Even his texts were shorter. I still signed mine with XXOO, but his were just short one-word answers or times when we should meet. And we hadn’t met, outside of school, for days.
Reed was spending most of his free time watching tapes with coach and working with Kyle. The team managed to win their first two games, though it was close. Our big test would be Friday when we played Southern Christian. I knew that this game was consuming Reed, and I also knew that he was counting down until the day he was able to take the cast off and work on his strength. The doctors had told him that he might be able to throw in the play-offs if we made them, but that he’d probably miss the entire regular season. His arm just wouldn’t be ready in time.
I stayed late after volleyball practice just to watch Reed work with Kyle on Thursday night. Kyle was picking things up, and Reed was actually a pretty good coach. But I could see his frustration. When Kyle ran back to the field to work out with some of the other guys, Reed stayed at the sidelines and sat on the trainer’s table, his feet kicking a little while he looked down at his phone. I watched him push his phone to his ear and then he jumped from the table and began pacing. He was rubbing his head and swearing a little. Then I heard him clearly.
“Fuck!” he screamed, pushing the giant water chest from the table and knocking down rows of cups, kicking at them as they fell. He shoved his phone back down into his pocket and just stood there, staring at the ground and the mess he’d made. Frozen, I wasn’t sure if I should go help him, comfort him or pretend I hadn’t seen him crack.
He was picking up the cups and kicking ice chips around when I finally got close enough for him to hear me.
“You ok?” I said, nervous.
His eyes shot up to me and then he just looked back down. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he was short.
I couldn’t play this game with him anymore. “You don’t look fine,” I stood, my hands on my hips. “How about you talk to me? Let me help.”
I started to help him clean up the table and he continued in silence. When he reached for the chest, I took it from him and put it the rest of the way on the table. The act seemed to irritate him, though, and he shrugged me off.
“Just … just don’t, Nolan,” his brow was bunched together, like I had offended him.
“Sorry…” then I rethought my words, feeling braver. “I was just trying to help, Reed. You won’t let me fucking help.”
I turned to leave, starting to feel the anger brew in my tummy once again. I was sure I was going to make it all the way to my car without a protest from him, but he surprised me, stopping me before I was more than a few steps away.
“No, you’re right. I’m sorry,” he sighed. I turned and just looked at him.
“What’s going on?” I pleaded.
He let out a heavy breath and looked back out to the field where his team was practicing without him. Finally, he spoke. “Most of the schools are pulling their offers,” he finally admitted. I had feared this.
“Oh Reed,” I went up to him and put my arms around him, but he still stood limp in my hold. “I’m sorry. I know this sucks.”
I didn’t want to patronize him. He didn’t need that. He looked up at me finally and I saw a faint smile on his lips, but it quickly disappeared. He looked back down at his feet before talking again. “I still have Stanford and UofA,” he said. “So I guess that’s good.”
I thought maybe now would be a good time to let him know I applied, too, just to make him feel less alone. “You know, I wasn’t going to tell you until I knew for sure, but I applied to those, too,” I bit my lip, anxious for his reaction. When he finally did look up, though, it wasn’t the expression I had expected to see on his face. Instead, he looked concerned and baffled.
“Why would you do that?” he asked, sharply.
A little dumbfounded, I stood there looking at my hands as I wrung them together before I could answer him finally. “I uh… I don’t know, I like their programs, too, and thought I would keep my options open? Thought maybe it would be cool if we went to the same school?” I couldn’t believe I had to explain this. What did he mean, why would I do that?
“Oh, yeah. I guess that’d be pretty cool,” he was flat. I fought against my tears and turned so he couldn’t see me when I wiped my eyes a little and managed to get my emotions in check. I was about to ask him if he wanted a ride home when he interrupted my inner debate with myself.
“Well, I’m going to go talk things over with coach. We’re going to go through some other tapes tonight, work on my game plan to keep the scouts interested. I’ll probably be pretty late,” he smiled, tight lips, just waiting for me to give him his out, which of course I would.
“Oh, ok. That’s fine, I have a lot of homework,” I lied. I didn’t have a thing to do. Just like every other night, I would go home and sit on the porch, look out at the stars and let my mind get carried away with horrible, negative thoughts.
He leaned in and kissed me then whispered, “Thanks for talking.” He turned and walked away and I headed back to my car wondering when we’d actually start talking for real. Or if he ever would.
Friday’s game was a disaster. Kyle threw four interceptions and the Bears lost 41-7. I could tell Reed was pissed from my view in the stands. His dad was pissed, too, but still so much more approachable. When I was leaving the stands, I stopped to talk to Buck, hoping he might give me a glimmer of something to hold onto. Per usual, he pulled me into a giant hug and warmed my heart as only he could.
“Reed’s having a tough time,” I grimaced.
He just put his hand under my chin and tilted my head up to look in his eyes. “Hey, no getting down, you hear?” he insisted. “Reed will get through this. He’s a fighter.”
I wanted to believe him, I did. But it felt like Reed was losing the fight, and in the process, I was losing Reed.
I left Buck and met up with Sarah and she motioned to the fence by the field. I turned to see what she was looking at and saw that Calley and Tatum were standing there next to Reed’s mother.
“What are they doing here,” I am sure I sounded as offended as I was.
“No idea,” she shrugged. “My sister didn’t even mention that she was driving back into town tonight.”
I hated that Calley and
Tatum still lived together. It felt like a double betrayal. I hadn’t told Sarah about Calley sleeping with Reed, but seeing them here and knowing that they spent time with Reed over the summer was making it harder for me to maintain my cool. Even worse, Reed’s mother was talking with them. Accepting them, like she never would me.
I was only getting furious, and that wouldn’t do me any good. I decided I needed to get myself away from the situation in order to think clearly. “You mind giving me a ride? I don’t think Reed’s going to come home for a while, and he’s pretty pissed,” I asked Sarah.
She stopped to stare at me for a while, I knew she understood more than she let on, but she finally just gave in and did what I asked. “Sure, I get it,” she just shrugged.
During the entire ride home with Sarah I wondered if Reed even noticed I was gone. I also wondered if he stopped to talk to Tatum and Calley when they were with his mother, and if he was pleasant to them, unlike he had been with me lately. I wondered why his mother had shown up at all. She rarely came to his games, and Reed wasn’t playing tonight.
By the time Sarah dropped me off, I had worked myself up into quite a frenzy. My parents seemed surprised when I came into the house so early. I think they expected me to be out with Reed. Hadn’t they noticed we hadn’t been out on a date in weeks?
“You ok, honey?” my mom asked as I walked in and stopped to sit on the end of the sofa for a few minutes.
“Yeah… just tired,” I said. And I was tired, but I was also fueled with anger.
I headed back to my room where I sat on the edge of my bed for about half an hour, trying to talk myself into calling Reed. Finally, when I reached a boiling point, I dialed.
“Hey,” he answered, short.
“Yeah, hey,” I copied his tone.
We both sat silent for a few uncomfortable seconds and then he talked. “You just left? What the hell?” he seemed angry, which only set me off more.
“Yeah, I did. It looked like you had a lot of fans waiting for you and I didn’t want to get in your way, you know, cramp your style,” I was being a bitch now, but I didn’t care. And I couldn’t stop.
“Noles, you’re being stupid, stop it,” he threw back.
I didn’t like that word – stupid. “Really? That’s all you’ve got? I don’t know Reed, you spend the summer with two girls you slept with, one who bullied me to near breaking point, and you’re just going to chalk it up to me being stupid right now?” I was breathing heavy, fuming.
Reed just let out a long sigh.
“What’s wrong, Reed, nothing to say to that?” I wasn’t letting him off so easily.
“Nolan, you’re overreacting. You need to let the Tatum thing go. We hardly talked all summer, and I was just being polite. Come on, give me some credit,” I could hear his eyes rolling.
I sat there in stunned silence for a while, not sure what to say next. We were not in a good place, and Reed was just ignoring it because that was easy. But I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I knew he was hurting from his arm and not being able to play, but he was taking it out on me, on us!
Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm down. “Reed, I know you’re upset about your arm,” he tried to interrupt but I kept going. “But I’m still here. Here for you, to support you and listen to you. And when you show up with Tatum and Calley’s signature on your cast but you can’t even text me goodnight or give me the time of day, well I guess it sort of made me question things. Can’t you see that, just a little?”
Silence. We both sat there soaking in my words and finally I could hear him moving a little, rustling on his phone. “You’re right,” he relented. “I’m sorry.”
“Just don’t shut me out,” I said, hoping it would really sink in.
“I’m not good at this, failing? I just…I don’t know how to not be whole. I feel stuck, and my options are all disappearing. It’s just…scary, you know?”
He was talking. I couldn’t believe I had him talking, and I was so thankful. “Yeah, I know. And it’s ok to feel scared. And I know you don’t believe me, but I know you’ll be just as good when you get your cast off. I know you can come back from this, Reed.”
He just sighed heavily. “Thanks,” he finally let out, softly. “I gotta go. But I am sorry.”
I could tell he was, but he was still not right. It was going to take some work to bring him back from the dead. But I was up for it.
“I love you,” I said just before we hung up.
“Me, too,” he responded, and my heart kicked a little not hearing the words, but I had done enough tonight. I wouldn’t push any more.
Homecoming had arrived and Sienna, Sarah and I were prepping the gym and the classrooms for our senior lock-in. Reed and I were still strained, but I was forcing him to talk more, and he wasn’t giving up. His cast was set to come off next week and he was determined to work hard and maybe get in one regular season game in. It looked like the Bears might just make the playoffs, but barely.
Tonight’s game was an important one. We still had a shot without winning, but the door would close just a little more. Reed had been working with Kyle all week, studying game tape from the Yuma games so he’d be ready for the pass rush. I impressed Reed a little knowing what that was.
He had come over for dinner last night and for a brief few hours we felt like we were back to where we were. He snuck holding my hand under the dinner table and even gave me a passionate kiss goodnight before he went home. He sent me a text to have sweet dreams, too, and I had looked at it about a dozen times today.
When things looked about set, I walked Sienna over to the band room before the game. I needed some alone time with her, and between her dating Micah and Sarah being with us most of the time, I hadn’t had a chance to let her in my head much lately.
“So, you wanna tell me what’s going on or do you just want me to guess?” Sienna was so intuitive.
I smiled at her and nudged her shoulder a little with mine while we walked slowly through the halls. “Things are…” I didn’t know how to classify my relationship. We had a few good moments, but on the whole, my relationship was failing, fighting for air. Reed hadn’t touched me intimately since the accident and even his kisses felt forced. “We’re sort of stuck. Since the accident. Reed’s so depressed, and I can see it. And he just won’t let me in. What’s worse is he’s taking it out on me. Sienna, I feel like his arm is my fault somehow…”
This was the first time I’d said out loud what I’d been thinking all along. I was there when it happened, and if Reed hadn’t been driving me through the desert at that time, he wouldn’t have had that accident. He was taking me home from his mother’s damn party, and she’d been hateful. But he was making me feel loved, and then everything changed.
“Nolan, you know that’s crazy, right?” Sienna was staring at me. I just shrugged. “OK, this is going to take more than just a short talk on my way to band. Come in with me.”
I followed her into the dressing room and helped her unpack her uniform and get changed. There were a lot of pieces to her uniform and it was weird being in the changing room while 30 other girls were all throwing jackets, jumpers, feathers and buckles around, trying to change before the game. Always the multi-tasker, Sienna laid her wisdom on me while she got ready.
“One, and most important, this isn’t your fault. A bad thing happened, Noles. A really bad thing. That’s all. It’s shitty and it’s terrible and it’s been miserable for Reed, but it was a bad thing that happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could have done differently,” she was lecturing me now, but I was prepared to listen. I just nodded.
“Good. OK, now that we have that down, I’m going to say something you’re not going to like, but I’m saying it because I love you like a sister,” she stood serious and moved to the side so we were a little away from everyone else, more private. I was nervous at what she had to say as I was pretty sure she was going to say everything I’d been thinking.
“Reed is being a bit of
an ass and you need to call him out on it,” she read my thoughts. “I get that he is going through something horrible, and I get his fear, but he’s taking it out on you. That’s not fair, Nolan, and it isn’t healthy. I see you two. You walk around like you’re in a trance. And he’s not there for you, not really.”
I just nodded, my eyes watering a little because I knew it all. “Nolan, he’s got to fix this on his own, get his head on straight and get out of his funk. If he doesn’t, he’s always going to blame you, but only because you’re there. You’re an easy target, and you’re just taking it.”
I sucked in a sharp breath of air because I knew what she was going to say next. “Nolan, he’s going to keep lashing out until you leave. And you might have to. I’m not saying that you can’t find your way back, fix this freaking all-consuming relationship you and Reed have been in for what seems like forever,” she was trying to be humorous to lighten the load she just threw on me. I adored her for it, but she was right. And I was glad she was here to give it to me straight.
“I know,” I whimpered, reaching out to my friend who just gave me the hug she knew I needed.
“God, why can’t Sarah be the one to give you the serious lectures,” Sienna joked, rubbing my hair while we hugged.
I laughed a little and backed up to look at her, rolling my eyes. “Sarah doesn’t do serious matters of the heart. Now, she’ll kick his ass. But psychology? No, that’s not her deal. That’s yours.”
Sienna laughed and nodded. She gave my arm a squeeze and I told her I’d see her at the lock-in after the game.
I walked out to the bleachers to find Sarah. I paid my entry and walked to the front of the bleachers to find where she was sitting and then I felt someone brush up behind me.
“Hey, I got snacks, want some,” it was Calley. She was sipping on a soda and had a tray full of candy and popcorn. Unfuckingbelievable.
Waiting on the Sidelines Page 32
