“But I told you and Laurie why she died.” John rubbed a hand over his face. “Pierce. Dad sent you for help because he knew I was early, not because Mom could be saved.”
Pierce stepped to the chair, wrapped his fingers around the worn frame and squeezed.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
“I blamed myself for her death. I blamed myself, and I didn’t even know, because I didn’t remember.”
Dear God, You knew all along. This is what was hidden in darkness, hidden in my memory.
The crippling, dry-up-the-spit-in-your-mouth fear hadn’t been about being with Laurie during delivery—that’s why he couldn’t reason around it, couldn’t conquer it himself by gritting his teeth and making himself stay with her. No, his terror was grounded in the lie that Mama died because of something he didn’t do. All this time, in the pit of his gut, hadn’t there been questions lingering in the dark? What if Laurie needs something and I can’t be there for her? If the worst happened—like the miscarriage—it would be his fault.
He hadn’t understood, hadn’t recognized the voice of guilt inside him which had been whispering since the miscarriage, stay away, stay away—if anything goes wrong, it’ll be your fault.
Relief turned his knees to water. He stumbled back against the house and raised both hands to heaven.
“Holy, holy God. Thank You for bringing me back to this place. For pushing me to discover the truth so I can heal. I trust You with Laurie and our child and all that I am.”
John was staring into the distance, his hands in his pockets, a befuddled look on his face. “Maybe later you can explain what just happened here?”
Pierce looked at his brother. “I will. I promise. Now, let’s finish this.”
He pulled open the screened door; it squeaked the same as it always had. John turned on the kitchen light, throwing shadows to the same living room furniture and the same gapped floor.
“Did he ever put a bathroom inside? Laurie’s picture didn’t show an outhouse.”
“There’s one down the hall. It was there when I came here to live, when I was four. There never was an outhouse.”
“Yes, there was.”
Pierce scanned the small living room, the short hall and dingy kitchen. How large the space had seemed when he’d lived here. Now, he could easily cross the rooms in ten, twelve steps.
“Pierce,” John said, clearly struggling with frustration. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why we’re in here when our mom is buried out there.”
“Just stand there, okay? Just stand there, and give me a minute.” His legs were now like stiff timber, his arms flimsy like rubber bands.
God, help me. The old me doesn’t want to do this. But the new me, the me that just realized the truth wants Your will, Father. Your plan.
Surely I am with you always.
Mama hadn’t always been there. Mama was gone.
I am with you always.
Daddy had given him away, but that’s how God had given him Daniel and Kay.
I am with you.
A few steps brought him to his old room, which had been converted to a bathroom. Three more strides and the earthy scent of his father hit him full force from an open doorway. Mama and Daddy’s room. It held the same bed, the same everything. Luther had changed nothing.
In the near darkness, Pierce’s hands trembled first, then tremors passed through his body. Memories again kicked him in the chest. He grabbed the doorway to keep from falling and took a fortifying breath.
“It wasn’t my fault,” he said aloud again, to himself, to John. “It wasn’t my fault.”
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Pierce pulled his phone from his pocket, dialed direct to Laurie’s room. She answered on the second ring. “Laurie. Are you all right?”
“I can’t sleep thinking about what you’re doing.”
“I have so much to tell you. I’ll be there soon. And I’ll stay with you, I promise.”
“Pierce, don’t promise. If you don’t make it back, or if you have to sit in the waiting area while I have our baby, that’s okay with me. Truly. I’ll be all right.”
“Laurie, that will not happen. I love you. I’ll be there soon. Trust me.” He hung up.
“How’s she doing?” John asked. He gave a bewildered look, then reached in the bedroom and flicked on the light. “Couldn’t you find the switch?”
Pierce froze.
The view was the same he had seen that night, and the next morning. The view from the doorway, across the bed, and out the window to the big tree.
But, he wasn’t the same. He was no longer a child, and now he knew the truth.
“Pierce!” Gilbert called, he and Daniel ran inside.
Pierce pointed straight out and turned to John. “Is that where our dad has been digging?”
“No.” John motioned with his left hand. “The pig pen was opposite the barn.”
“Not when I lived here.”
“Pierce,” Gilbert said, “I just talked to my dad. Remember that tornado, the one that ripped apart our fort when we were kids?”
“Yeah.”
“It leveled the old pig shed. My dad built Mr. Bridges a new one on the other side of the house. He didn’t think it mattered.”
Which was why Luther hadn’t found Annabelle’s grave. He’d been searching for his wife in the wrong place.
Pierce took one last look at the room where his mother died. “Dad, move a car, shine the headlights on the trunk of that old tree. We’ll mark the grave, and I can get back to Laurie.”
***
Laurie bore down as hard as she could, as Pierce and the nurse counted to ten.
“Good,” said Dr. Nate. “Almost there.”
Pierce pulled his hand free of hers and shook it. “You almost broke my thumb.”
“Yeah? You want to try doing this?”
Dr. Nate laughed. “Don’t answer that, Pastor.”
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Nurse Wilson, call the nursery, will you? Let them know we’ll have a baby in about three minutes. Lie back and rest, Laurie. The next push should do it.”
Gratefully, she rested a moment on the pillows, catching her breath. Pierce wiped her face with the cool rag and spooned ice chips into her mouth.
“Thank God for the epidural,” she told him. “This is hard enough work without the pain.” She smiled so big she thought her face might split open. “I can’t wait to see her. I just can’t wait.”
“You won’t have to wait,” said Dr. Nate. “Here we go, Laurie. Now, take your deepest breath, and push.”
Inside, the baby shifted. There was pressure, so much pressure. “I want to see,” she gasped. “Can someone move the mirror?”
She took another quick breath, and bore down again, exactly as Dr. Nate had told her to do, for another count of ten. She saw the doctor grab Pierce’s arm.
“Here she comes. Okay, Pastor. Got your gloves on?”
Her husband’s brilliant eyes focused between her legs, then shot to hers—a thousand words of love passed between them—and back to the doctor again.
“Gently, right here. Stop pushing Laurie, hold on, I’ve got to unwrap the cord.”
Her body wanted to move, she wanted so badly to move her legs.
Hope screamed. It was one of the most beautiful sounds a mother could ever hear.
Laurie’s tears came like rain. Fresh, drenching rain that promised spring flowers and new life.
Pierce cut the cord, another milestone.
Then Dr. Nate lay Hope—a pink, wailing baby—on Laurie’s stomach and in her arms.
“Oh, you’re so beautiful. Look at you. Look at her, Pierce, I think she has your eyes!” Laurie kissed the tiny, angry face. “She’s perfect, Pierce. It’s all just perfect. Kiss me. Kiss me quick.”
Nurse Wilson walked over and reached for Hope, who finally stopped screaming. “Let’s see how m
uch you weigh.”
Pierce stiffened. “Why are they taking her?”
“They’ll bring her right back.”
“They’re making her cry again.”
“So that’s how it’s going to be. You’ll be the fun parent, and I’ll be the one who tells her no and disciplines her.”
Laurie watched as the nurse weighed and measured Hope, as she took Hope’s footprints. Then the nurse cleaned her up and brought her back for Laurie to hold. Pierce intercepted.
“Are you going to let me hold her?”
“In a minute.”
“You’re going to kiss her to death.”
“She’s my daughter to kiss. She’s soft and pink and beautiful. She tastes sweet like icing.”
“But don’t you want to invite your parents and John in now?”
“No, I want one more minute of sitting here with you and holding her, all to myself.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Laurie—”
“Wait. Don’t say anything. Just, let me look into your eyes. How I love your eyes.” She ran a hand through his hair. “You’re my life, Pierce. Sharing this with you, knowing how hard you worked to be here for me. It means everything.”
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS FOR THE SPINDLE CHAIR
1. As the story begins, Pierce and Laurie have a stable and close marriage. They want the same things in life. How does the miscarriage bind them together? In what ways does it begin to tear them apart? Discuss how a tragedy can become a “marker” in one’s life—marking a date, a place, an experience which greatly influences our lives. Has tragedy shaped part of your life? Your faith? Your marriage?
2. Laurie has always sensed a deep sadness in Pierce. What does she believe will heal Pierce’s heart? Discuss how one can have good intentions, yet our actions might worsen someone’s pain. Can Laurie really do anything to help Pierce heal? Why, or why not?
3. God first speaks to Pierce about his strange reactions and anxiety by reminding him of scripture. Why do you think God uses this method? Pierce responds by asking God to return his and Laurie’s life to the way it was before the miscarriage, as he assumes the pain and stress he is experiencing indicate something “bad” is happening to him. Discuss why we sometimes assume discomfort and unease are incompatible with God’s work in our lives. How has God used struggle to improve your life and faith?
4. Neither Pierce nor Laurie realizes the many expectations, hurt, and baggage they each brought into their marriage. Where do Laurie’s expectations about becoming a mother, and pregnancy, come from? Initially, Laurie and Pierce dream together about their future. What hurts does Laurie bring with her into her second pregnancy process, and what new hurts does she experience when Pierce begins pulling away from her? Pierce doesn’t know why he feels and reacts the way he does after the miscarriage and second pregnancy. Discuss how old wounds can influence and/or control us, even if we are unaware of those wounds.
5. As God reveals Pierce’s past, Pierce’s level of panic rises. What kind of impact does this process have on Pierce’s spiritual life? On his marriage? With Laurie’s pregnancy, God is actually answering Pierce’s prayer and giving Laurie the desire of her heart. When have you experienced a situation in which the best thing that could happen for someone else was the worst thing that could happen for you? What was your response at the time? Did your perspective of that situation change as time passed? How?
6. While Laurie struggles with anger and hurt, she still endeavors to listen to God and be proactive instead of reactive. She wants to do things that will prepare her for reconciliation and healing in her marriage. What actions does Laurie take? Notice that Laurie continues to pray for Pierce. What requests does she make when praying for Pierce? If you were in Pierce’s place, what prayer requests would you want your spouse to make on your behalf? Discuss how we often experience grief and joy simultaneously, i.e., Laurie’s pregnancy coincides with Pierce’s struggles and marital conflict. How does one find spiritual equilibrium during those seasons?
7. Kay encourages Laurie to ask Pierce for what she needs from him, such as praying for their baby, keeping his promises, etc., even though he had previously refused other requests. Would their relationship have healed in the same ways if Laurie stopped asking for what she needed? Why, or why not? Is there an important relationship in your life that could potentially be strengthened if you shared your needs? How can you pray for the other person, as Laurie did for Pierce, while you wait for God to do a work in them?
8. At first, Laurie lets pride or self-consciousness—she is a pastor’s wife—keep her from seeking help and support from others. From whom does Laurie eventually seek help as she works to rebuild her marriage and help Pierce face his past? Are these good choices for her? Why, or why not? Daniel and Kay have direct influence on Pierce throughout the story. Give an example of good advice or help they give Pierce and Laurie. Discuss the difference between telling someone a difficult truth versus being judgmental. How do Daniel and Kay continue to show their love and support of Pierce and Laurie?
9. At times it appears Pierce is preaching both about himself and to himself. Share a time when God ministered to you as you prayed for, helped, or spoke truth to someone else. Discuss how God can still use us to touch others, even when we are injured or hurting. Do you think you are more or less sensitive to God during times of personal struggle? Why, or why not?
10. As Pierce remembers and reveals his past, Laurie realizes she doesn’t know as much as she thought she did about Pierce. How does that make Laurie feel? Are her feelings warranted? Why, or why not? Discuss how important it is for a married couple to continue learning about each other. What benefits and/or risks arise from being open to discovery about each other? How does God fit into those benefits and risks?
11. The revelation of John’s identity and Luther’s whereabouts is a pivotal moment for Pierce. List reasons why it is so difficult for Pierce to befriend his brother. Discuss how these reasons affect his struggle as a pastor. A husband and son. A Christian. A future father.
12. Several times God speaks to Laurie about her expectations for her marriage. In her mind, the approaching delivery of their child equals a time limit for Pierce to be completely healed of his emotional pain. What is your reaction to the perspective God offers? Think of a current issue in a relationship with a spouse, family member, or friend. How can adopting God’s perspective affect how you feel and what you do? Which aspects of the relationship might become more difficult or more manageable because of your expectations? Because of God’s perspective?
13. Even after Pierce determines to do whatever it takes to save his marriage, even after he repents, he still has a lot of work to do. In fact, that’s when the real work begins. Discuss the various “steps” that Pierce takes as he attempts to obey God. Which step do you think is most challenging for Pierce? Why? To which challenge do you most relate? Why?
14. Early in the story, we see how much Pierce admires Laurie’s tender heart and compassionate qualities—they are part of what attracted him to her in the first place. Discuss whether Pierce tries to use that quality against Laurie when suggesting she ask Kay to be her labor coach. Does Laurie maintain a sense of compassion for Pierce? Why, or why not? Later, Pierce has moments he relies on, and moments he fights resenting those qualities in Laurie. How do the conflicts within Pierce precipitate these feelings? Are his actions understandable? Are they right? Discuss a character trait in someone close to you that you once found appealing, but now is a source of irritation. What can you learn from Pierce’s experience?
15. As mentioned before, meeting John and having John be an instant part of his life are uncomfortable experiences for Pierce. Why is meeting John a critical part of Pierce’s healing process? What does Laurie contribute? What responsibilities rest fully on Pierce? Discuss the fact that Pierce never sees Luther alive again, nor does he receive an apology from him. Can Pierce experience emotional healing despite Luther’s absence? Why?
16. By the end of the
story, Laurie realizes her desire for Pierce to be with her during delivery has nothing to do with her dreams and everything to do with the pain she still carries from her parents’ death. Discuss the similarities between Pierce and Laurie’s emotional pain. How are their responses similar? How are they different? Memory repression and suppression are fairly common responses to trauma. Even more common is when one remembers a trauma or loss (as Laurie does) but doesn’t realize the impact that loss has on daily life. Discuss that God’s plan is to heal both Laurie and Pierce, even when it seems the worst is happening in their marriage. How does God healing the individual affect the marriage? What do you think Laurie and Pierce’s marriage looks like after the Epilogue?
17. The exposure of truth and the idea of truth versus lies are continual threads throughout the story. God loves us too much to let us continue to lie to ourselves and to others. How is experiencing emotional healing dependent on you being honest with yourself? Honest with God? Honest with others? Share, as a prayer request, what you need from God to begin this process.
18. Seldom do life’s challenges line up single-file, especially within a marriage. They overlap, intertwine and affect each other—both the highs and lows—exposing a husband and wife’s strengths and weaknesses. How do Pierce’s and Laurie’s strengths and weaknesses impact their journey? Analyze your own and your mate’s strengths and weaknesses. What do you need from God to maximize the benefit of your strengths and minimize the impact of your weaknesses?
* If you or someone you love wants information or instruction to receive emotional healing, please visit my website www.shelliearnold.com. Check out the YOUR MARRIAGE resources seminars Rise to Freedom and Intimacy Barriers.
EPILOGUE
“Laurie, you were right. This is right.”
Pierce breathed a huge sigh of relief as the last scoops of dirt fell onto Annabelle and Luther’s fresh, side-by-side graves in the corner of the church cemetery.
Laurie slipped her arm through his. “Every spring we’ll plant flowers by them. Roses maybe. They’ll wind over the double headstone.”
The Spindle Chair Page 28
