by Shannan Rhys
Ash let the words land. He sensed it would go better for him if he let her get out whatever she needed to get out.
“Yes, I messed up your plans,” he said, encouraging her to go on by reflecting back what she’d said. It was a skill his therapist had taught him after his mother left. It usually worked with Lisa.
“No, Ash, don’t you see?” Helena came toward him, moving faster than she should have been able to. A wolf thing? “Ugh. My grandfather is going to kill me. And then he’s going to kill you. And then he’ll probably kill Aaron, just for fun, and my cousins might blow up the whole VonBrandt house. Like. Poof! Or boom, or whatever noise it makes. But they are going to be so pissed about this.”
“Wait. Why will your grandfather care who you got bonded to?”
“Because wolves bond wolves in the Quade family.” Helena rounded on him, holding up her tattooed wrists. “He’s going to see these, and…gods, I didn’t even think about that…I can’t hide these from him. We should never have bonded. It would have been so much easier to just stay separate. At least then my grandfather wouldn’t go on a war path, and he wouldn’t…” Her lip trembled, but when Ash tried to reach for her, to comfort her, she pushed his hands away.
“Helena,” he whispered, reaching again. “Will you let me hold you, woman? Dammit. I can feel all this fear building up in you like a thunderstorm on the prairies. You’re about to loose a twister up in here. Hell.” He finally got his hands on her arms, and despite all her protesting, dragged her to his chest. “Just…calm…down…”
“There is no calming from this,” she said, sniffing against the naked skin of his pectoral muscle. “Aaron has no idea what he’s done to us.”
“You really didn’t want to bond with me, did you?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but he couldn’t hear whatever noises she made, if any of them were words. They were so quiet.
“If Aaron is the one in charge around here, then don’t we have to do what he says? I mean, what’s the point of having territory, if you don’t run it. Like the mob, right?” Ash stroked her hair, trying to make things better, but her anxiety only rose. He could feel it through this weird bond thing they shared. She was feeding him her emotions, and he couldn’t stop them.
“I never should have gone to that bar,” she whispered.
Those words landed hard on his chest, like a physical blow. She actually regretted meeting him. Shit. And he’d forced her into the bond, believing there was some kind of love hiding under all her bluster. But she didn’t love him at all. Last night clearly hadn’t rocked her world the way it had rocked his.
Of course, how could he not have seen it? She’d pulled away from him at every turn. Why had he assumed that there was still hope? That she’d want to stay with him just because he’d decided to finally stop running.
The same reason he’d assumed there was hope until the day his mom ran out. Because he was a sucker for a good story and a silver lining. And his mother had been the queen of silver linings. Even the note she’d left upon assigning her twelve-year-old daughter to the care of her eighteen-year-old son, had been full of gems he could remember to this day: this way, you don’t have to take care of me anymore…your sister loves you more than she loves me anyway…you’ll be better off without me.
Shit.
This was turning out just about as well as that long-ago day in October.
Helena didn’t think he was a good enough mate for her, and maybe she was right.
Ash stepped back to the mirror, crossing his arms and staring at her, a hard glare. It was time to self-protect, or he was going to get hurt again. Hurt in a way that no amount of hope or optimism could fix. He should know. He’d been burying that kind of hurt for ten years.
He was a damn pro.
Helena missed him the second he released her. Grief rushed through her like water in a dry gully. “Ash, I—” she started, but there wasn’t anything to say.
She couldn’t take it back. She shouldn’t take it back, no matter how much she wanted to have him. If he stayed near her, he was in danger. Bottom line.
“Sorry you’re stuck with me,” Ash bit out, the anger in his voice slicing through her heart like a knife. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a wolf, anyway?”
“It’s not something we’re allowed to tell people, unless—”
“Unless you end up being mates with them? If you’re so worried about your family not wanting you to be with a human, what the hell were you doing sleeping with one?” His eyes flashed and burned. His arms were still crossed defensively over his chest. He hated her already and she deserved it.
Her body curled in on itself under his barrage. The words were painful and angry, but the anguish beneath them cut and ripped at her insides like she’d swallowed a handful of broken razor blades.
“I was drunk!” She screamed out, trying to push back on the flood of emotions coming from him. “You were drunk. I had no idea. Gods…I have to…I have to go… I can’t do this.”
She backed toward the door, toeing off her boots as she went. She had to put some distance between them. No matter how much it hurt, it would be better if they were apart. Her parents had always said it was easier. That distance made it more bearable.
Ash lifted an eyebrow and stepped toward her. Some of his anger was morphing into curiosity. She had to get out before he stopped her.
She hurried, pushing through the open door into the large hallway on the other side of the room, and shimmying out of her jeans and panties in record time. Then her shirt and bra. She stood in front of him for just one second, naked and wishing things could’ve been different. Wishing she could have him completely. Wishing she hadn’t ruined his life. Wishing Fate had made a better choice.
She saw the moment when he realized what she was about to do.
“Helena.” Her name came out so softly, but she heard it all the same.
“If I’d known we were mates, I would’ve stayed away from you. I never would’ve done this to you on purpose. I’m so sorry, Ash.” She turned on her heel and shoved the door open, shimmering into her wolf form as she went. She could hear Ash’s footsteps behind her, but she never looked back.
Eyes on the forest. Keep running. She couldn’t be with Ash. She loved him too much. She had to stay away. She had to protect him from her grandfather’ s wrath.
Run faster.
Chapter Eighteen
Ash kept walking, his bum foot beginning to ache. He kept calling her. But she was gone. Deep into the woods.
He just kept walking, thinking she’d be around the next tree, waiting for him, back in human form, ready to talk. When she wasn’t, he determined to go just a little farther. And then a little farther. And soon, he was so far in, he wasn’t sure he could find his way back. He couldn’t see the VonBrandt barn anymore, even in the distance.
Turning around and around, he called for Helena over, and over, and over. There was no trace of her wolf. The animal had been beautiful. Chocolate brown, like her hair, and sleek as velvet.
Dammit. He just wanted her to come back. To shift to her human form so they could talk. So they could fix things.
There had to be a way to fix things.
Even if she didn’t want him, he couldn’t give up. Something had changed last night. He’d lost himself inside her. It was like his world had suddenly and incontrovertibly shifted into a different world—one where Helena was his and he was hers.
He stopped, leaning on one of the trees for support. He couldn’t keep walking forever. His foot was going to start hurting pretty hardcore soon, which meant Helena would be in pain too.
Ash called her name one more time and then sighed and turned around to head back to the ranch. If he concentrated hard, he could ignore the swirl of emotions that were coming from her. And the physical sensations she was feeling—the ground beneath her paws, the brush of leaves on her coat. She was still running from him.
He picked his way back through the trees, through th
e brush, through the unfamiliar places. He wasn’t even sure he was really headed back toward the ranch, until he saw the wolf.
A streaky black and silver wolf. She was loping through the woods on a path parallel to his, only she was heading toward Helena. He stared at her, stopping in his tracks. She ignored him, although he knew enough about predatory instincts to guess she’d seen him. She just didn’t give him the time of day.
That was becoming a thing with wolves.
After the wolf passed him, he trudged over and followed the path she’d been on. After nearly ten minutes of walking, he saw the outline of the VonBrandt barn. Shit, he’d gotten pretty far. He came out just a little west of where he’d entered the woods, only to see a very naked, very pissed off Sheriff Allan VonBrandt headed toward him.
Allan started, then covered his privates with his big hand.
Ash almost laughed. “I know what you’re going to do,” he said. “You can shift. I won’t get in your way.”
“I’m…I mean…wait. What?” his eyes narrowed, like he was searching the air. “You’re not a wolf.”
“No.” Ash held up his wrists. “I’m not.”
Allan relaxed, visibly. “Sorry. I’m not used to seeing humans around here.”
The comment stung just enough that Ash had to take a breath. Could wolves tell that he was human just by looking at him? That was going to unnerve the shit out of him. He had no idea how to ID a wolf on sight. In fact, after everything he’d learned today, he didn’t feel sure about much of anything any more.
“Yeah, well, I don’t think I’ll be around much.” Ash kept walking.
“But you’re mated to a wolf, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Whatever that means.”
“Which wolf?”
Ash swallowed hard. “Helena Quade.”
“Oh, from El Paso. You’ll be going back to El Paso in the morning. After the run.”
Ash raised a brow. “Run?”
“We’re all going to shift in about forty-five minutes. Some of us…” He gritted his teeth, looking off toward the forest. “Some of us have already shifted. But as soon as the moon is really full, all of us will have to shift.”
He let out a long breath. Yet another thing Helena hadn’t told him. The forced shift. Geez. There was a lot about her life he didn’t know.
“Well, I’m not from El Paso. I’m from Somewhere,” Ash said, waving off the sheriff. “So, who knows what I’ll be doing tomorrow.”
Allan’s brows came together. “You’re not going with your mate?”
Ash swallowed, trying not to show any emotion. He didn’t want to seem pussy-whipped, but dammit, he was sure feeling that way. “She doesn’t want me.”
With a glance off into the woods, Allan shook his head, like he had some kind of solidarity with Ash. “Join the club, man.”
“Your mate doesn’t want you, either?”
“I guess it’s going around like the clap.”
“You don’t have the tattoos, though.” Ash looked at his own markings. The sheriff had naked wrists, along with the rest of his still-naked body.
“We haven’t said the spell yet.” Allan’s voice was dark, so his next words caught Ash by surprise. “But we will. I just need to win her back.”
“How do you know if you can win her back or not?” Ash asked, raising one brow.
Allan started to jog toward the forest. “You can always win her back.” And then, in a shimmer of air, he shifted into a big, brown wolf, and ran for the forest.
Ash shook his head, walking toward the house. You can always win her back. What a damn crock. Helena had been pretty clear—he didn’t have a snowball’s shot in Vegas at winning her back.
There was a pretty big group assembled at the house, and Ash pushed his way through the gathering. Plenty of people were whispering about Allan. Whatever had happened with the big sheriff, it had caused a stir.
Aaron was standing on the porch with an older man who had silver-streaked hair. He didn’t look old enough to be Helena’s grandfather, but Ash wasn’t familiar with anyone, really, so it was possible.
“I need a ride back to town,” he announced to the alpha, interrupting a conversation.
Aaron glanced at him. “Where’s Helena?”
“She took off and shifted.”
The two men exchanged a look, and Aaron whispered, in an extremely low voice, something that included the words Helena Quade. Gray-haired dude nodded and walked away, like he’d been dismissed.
“Did you two work out your stuff?” asked the alpha.
“Yup.” Ash nodded. “We’re good.”
“Good. Well, I have to run with the packs in about half an hour. My wife is in the kitchen, feeding anyone who wants to eat before we all go to run together. You should really stay here during the run, and not go back yet.”
“I guess.” Ash didn’t want to make a scene, and he didn’t really want to get into anything with Aaron VonBrandt. The man seemed to think everything and everyone was his business. Best to stay out of his way.
“Good. There are a couple of spare beds tonight, since all the packs will be out in the woods. In fact, I’d be willing to bet you could sleep in the house if you wanted to. That way, you don’t have to go out to the shifter cabin. Tonya will get you all settled in.”
Someone called the alpha’s name and he said goodbye to Ash, shaking his hand before he went. He seemed like a nice enough guy. But Ash didn’t quite know what to do with himself anymore. His whole world had re-righted itself around a woman who didn’t want him.
In short, he was fucked.
Helena stopped at the river’s edge and breathed in deeply. The scent of the water and grass and trees filled her, so different from the dry, arid desert of El Paso. So alive, even in November.
Texas landscape varied every few hundred miles. The town of Somewhere was deep in the heart of pine and oak forests, whereas El Paso was all cliffs and canyons and deserts. In between their respective territories lay hundreds of miles of prairie and grass and rolling hills. A girl could get use to running with grass underfoot instead of only sharp rocks and scorching sand. That is if she ever returned to Somewhere…
Ash was from here. He would want to visit his sister.
Who was she kidding? No way was he moving to El Paso with her. Hell, she didn’t even want him to come with her…she didn’t want to go back either. Except she did want to be with Ash.
The problem was that she couldn’t leave the Quades. She was pack. She belonged to her grandfather in a way Ash would never understand. The bond between a wolf and their alpha was indelibly strong. Strong enough that if her alpha called her right now, she’d have to come. There wouldn’t be a choice.
The familiar howls of her family split through the early evening air. She didn’t want to see them tonight. Not if she could help it. She walked forward, sinking one paw after another into the cool rushing water. Her pack wouldn’t cross the river. They were desert wolves. She could stay away from them the whole night if she crossed it.
The water rose higher, touching her chest. Then it reached her neck. She kept going, pushing against the survival instinct that screamed, You’re not a fish. What the hell are you doing? She could swim. Helena pushed off the ground and paddled hard. The current flowed and pushed her along, farther and faster than she’d expected. But she made it across the murky expanse and climbed out on the opposite bank.
Over here it would be quiet and peaceful. No one would come looking for her. There were so many wolves here from different packs that no one was likely to notice that she was missing. She gave one last glance in the direction of the VonBrandt ranch—she couldn’t see the house or anything, but she knew where it was. Ash was there. Hurt and confused. It was her fault. She should’ve stayed and explained things better. But it had all happened so fast.
The biggest problem was that her heart and head were at war. No matter how much she wanted Ash, she couldn’t stop thinking about how broken-hearted her moth
er had looked every time her father left the house for the ranch in El Paso. He and Helena had been allowed to visit, but never her. It had always stood between them.
She raised her nose to the pink sky and let loose a long, mournful howl. She needed to cry. Her wolf needed to cry. They were both broken-hearted. Aching and angry at the same time. Fate had given them a gift that life would ruin the second her grandfather and the rest of the pack found out about it.
Ash’s pain swirled through their connection. He was confused and angry and he still wanted her too. She couldn’t help but take small comfort in that knowledge. She already missed him so much, and the hurt she felt now would be nothing compared to the pain of leaving him behind in Somewhere.
She howled again, letting the sting of her grief fill her cry, and then turned from the river and ran for the cover of trees. She wanted to be alone tonight.
Chapter Nineteen
Ash stood on the porch of the big VonBrandt home, watching everyone head off toward the forest. A group of cowboys, clad in all black, moved as a unit through the doors and down the stairs without so much as a sidelong look at him. Unlike the others, many of whom had started pulling their clothes off as soon as they hit the open air, these men walked all the way across the drive, then across the green, and then disappeared into the forest. It was like watching a cult ritual. They had to be wolves, headed out to shift, but they seemed so different than the others.
It interested Ash that all the packs seemed to behave differently, like there was no overriding wolf culture. Rather, there was pack culture.
Aaron VonBrandt came out next, arm in arm with his pretty wife. They stood on the stairs and he gave her a passionate kiss that Ash eventually had to look away from.
“Oh, Ash. I didn’t see you there.” Aaron’s voice brought his attention back to them.
The VonBrandts were both staring at him with pity in their eyes and Ash couldn’t help being frustrated by that. He hated pity. It had never done a damn thing for him.
