The uncertainty frightens me. The things happening to my mind terrify me. Just when I thought I was safe, when I thought that I could finally make peace with who Jeremy Stonehart is and the world he has brought me into, an episode like this leaves me reeling.
It’s quiet in the sunroom. So far detached from the rest of the house, it is impossible to judge whether the guests are still here or have already left. Impossible, really, with the calm tranquility of the sea, to say how much time has passed.
I feel another presence in the room.
In fact, I’ve felt if for quite some time.
I turn my head slightly, and I see him, outlined in the dark. Jeremy Stonehart.
I look back out toward the ocean. He does not stir. He watches me, alone in my own thoughts. I know he will not come to me until I give my permission.
Another eternity passes. I feel like I’m witnessing the stretch of a lifetime. Finally, I incline my head, just a little. His arm comes around my waist.
“What happened to you tonight, Lilly?” he asks softly.
I feel the sudden urge to cry and tell him everything: My vulnerability, my consistent doubts. The conflicting thoughts and emotions darting through my head. The way I can love him absolutely one moment and hate him the next. The way I want to hurt him—really hurt him—and make him suffer the same way that I suffered. The dishonesty that I harbor. The web of lies that my life has become.
I want to weep against his chest and confess everything. I want to feel him hold me, to feel his strong hand stroke my hair and hear him tell me that everything will be alright. I want to hear him tell me what I told him: that he is not alone in the world anymore, that he could put his trust in me, that I will be there for him always.
I want to hear him say it. I want those words and vows and promises to apply to me.
Without them, I am breaking. I am drowning in a cesspool of my own creation. I do not blame Jeremy anymore. I’ve been given every opportunity to get out. I’ve made my choice. The choice to remain by him forever.
But the loneliness that comes from that choice is nearly overwhelming. It is suffocating me, restricting me in my thoughts and in my movements. I am not trapped in Stonehart’s mansion anymore, no. I am trapped somewhere much worse.
I am trapped in my own mind.
“Lilly?” Jeremy asks. “Talk to me. Don’t shut me out. Tell me what happened. Why did you come here?”
“Are they gone?” I ask, avoiding his questions. “Are the guests still here?”
“The party wound down long ago,” he says. He takes my hand. “Yes, they’re gone. Is that why you didn’t come upstairs? I waited and waited for you in bed, Lilly. When you didn’t show up, I had to come find you.”
“You knew I was here,” I mutter. “You could have seen me through your cameras.”
Jeremy steps back a little. What pale light comes from the stairs lets me see enough of his face to make out the concern. “I gave those up,” he tells me. “I gave them to you. Remember? I cannot see what goes on in my house anymore.”
“Oh,” I sigh. “That’s right.”
“Something happened after you left. Didn’t it?” Jeremy insists. “Tell me.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to worry him with my troubles. For the moment, it feels better—safer, even—to simply turn a blind eye.
I squeeze his hand and turn away from the window. “Let’s go to bed,” I say.
Chapter Seven
The next morning truly and finally feels like the dawn of a new day.
I feel rested and fresh and clear. The discord of last night is like a distant memory. It’s something that happened a lifetime ago… to another person.
I’m aware that’s not the healthiest attitude to take. But I’ve become the master of self-delusion. Forgetting painful things from my past just comes with the territory of being with Jeremy Stonehart.
Jeremy’s left for work without a word, obviously. I hate how he can wake without rousing me. Not once have I felt him leave. It’s just one of those things where I wake up, and poof, he’s already gone.
I find a short note from him, however, saying that when he returns tonight we’ll talk about my employment at Stonehart Industries and my… capacity for the job.
The ominous implication there—that I’ve become too damaged to return to work—is unsettling. But instead of ruminating on it and letting it ruin the beauty that is outside, I file it away amongst all the other shit I refuse to think about… and go out into the sun.
Spring in California feels wonderful. The fresh crests of the waves at sea crash against the cliffs and bring a delightful aura to the day. Wandering in the woods around Jeremy’s property, I lose track of time.
Only when the sky starts to darken a deep red do I venture back to the mansion.
I find Jeremy alone, reading, at the table. He looks dashing in a radiant silver-grey suit.
He looks up when he hears me enter. He smiles. “And there she is,” he says, with the barest hint of sarcasm. “Finally deemed yourself ready to greet me, have you?”
“Jeremy, stop,” I say, sitting across from him. He reaches out and touches my hand, squeezing once.
“How do you feel?” he asks.
“Fine,” I say quickly. Too quickly. Too automatically.
He frowns for a split second. “Is there something you want to tell me?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No. How’s Stonehart Industries? I’ve been thinking about the note you left. If I’m going back to work—“
“Tracy told me how she found you,” Jeremy interrupts.
My heart stops. The illusion shatters. And all traces of normalcy are gone.
“What did she say?” I ask weakly.
“Everything,” Jeremy replies. “She told me as she was leaving last night. I wanted you to bring it up on your own. But I could not wait any longer. This is a serious problem, Lilly.”
I hang my head in shame. “I know,” I mutter. Even that admission—simply acknowledging his words—makes me feel like I’ve let Jeremy down, somehow.
“It’s a problem not because of what happened,” he continues softly, his voice endearing him to me in strange and soothing ways, “but because you did not tell me,”
“I didn’t want you to—“
“To what?” His voice is low, but it cuts me off as clearly as if he’s yelling. “To know?”
“No,” I shake my head. “To worry.”
“To doubt, you mean,” he says. He’s speaking in a tone that is foreign to my ears. He sounds…untruthful, somehow. Like he’s in the middle of a bluff that he does not want entirely concealed.
“Excuse me?”
“I know that’s why you didn’t tell me, Lilly. You don’t want to tarnish my impression of you. What concerns me, though, is how you could be so short-sighted.”
My head snaps up to him. “What are you talking about?”
“The same thing I always do. The one thing I give you chance after chance to prove. The one thing that you consistently fail to do.”
My hackles rise at the turn our conversation has taken.
“Trust, Lilly!” he says after a lengthy pause. The outburst is full of exasperation. “Why do you think I invited all those people here last night? Why do you think I let you slink off when you did?”
“I didn’t—slink,” I challenge, detesting that word. “You told me to go!”
“You ran from the sight of too many people.”
“I was by your side for hours!” My temper with him is rising. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on, Jeremy? Why don’t you tell me what you mean, instead of having me guess it, for once?”
“What I mean,” Jeremy murmurs. A brief smile flutters across his lips. “Are you certain you want to know, Lilly?”
“Seeing as it concerns me, yes,” I start. “Yes, in fact, I do!”
“Very well.” Jeremy takes his hand off mine and leans back. “What I mean is this: I did not need Tracy
to tell me what she saw to know what happened to you.”
“The cameras!” I gasp. “You liar! You kept them on! You never relinquished control.”
Jeremy shakes his head. “No. I do not lie to you. You are the one in control of the house.”
“Then what…” I stop. A horrible realization starts to sink in. “No,” I say, the word hardly a whisper.
Jeremy leans forward, eyes alight, eager now. “No, what?” he asks.
“No, you wouldn’t have,” I say. I feel light-headed again, and it has nothing to do with the supposed brain damage.
It has everything to do with connecting the dots, with seeing how much wisdom lay hidden behind Tracy’s words, with realizing the things Jeremy wouldn’t even blink at doing, if his past behavior is any gauge.
“So you know,” he smiles. “Good for you.”
“I don’t know anything!” I scream. I’m panting, bordering frantic.
Suddenly, the fact that I ended up in the sunroom last night seems all too convenient.
“But you do, “Jeremy reveals a vicious grin. A look of absolute triumph is plastered on his face. “Tell me. Tell me what I did.”
“You…you drugged me,” I gasp.
And Jeremy’s smile only deepens. “It was but a test,” he says.
Chapter Eight
“A test!” I surge from the table, blood boiling. I look for something to throw at him, and to hell with all propriety. Finding nothing, I settle for merely knocking my chair onto the floor. “A test! How could you, Jeremy? Oh, but I know all too well. You’re the man who does. Aren’t you? You and that fucking malicious mind of yours. You made me believe you love me? How? Why?”
“Calm now, Lilly.” Jeremy’s got what he wanted, and now he is the very image of cool, collected placidity. “You’re making a scene.”
“And how did you think I was going to react?” I screech at him. I’m so angry I could claw his eyes out. He doesn’t even suspect the physical danger he’s in at this point. Nobody does. If I had a steak knife, I wouldn’t hesitate to rush at him.
“I was hoping you’d be more understanding,” he says. His voice is full of mocking warmth. “But I didn’t bet on it.”
“No shit you didn’t! You drugged me. Again. Again and again and again you do it! This is a game to you. Isn’t it? Despite your feelings, despite all you confess, your promises will never amount to anything more!”
“Life is a game,” he tells me. “There are winners and there are losers. Then there are the poor souls caught in between.”
“And where am I, huh, Jeremy? Where am I in your twisted assessment of things? Where do I stand?”
“Precipitously close to the edge,” Jeremy murmurs. “Unfortunately, you only have yourself to blame.”
“You’re wrong!” I stab a finger at him. “I have you to blame, Jeremy, for everything and anything that’s happened to me since you stole me from my life!”
“I gave you one better!” He swells to his feet. Even with the table between us, he looms over me like an iron titan. “I gave you one better, Lilly, against all my will, against all my judgment and all my plans. I gave you one better because of the effect you’ve had on me. I gave you one better. And what do I get in return? Lies! Deceit! Unfaithfulness!”
“Unfaithfulness?” I sputter. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“About all the things you hide still, Lilly. All the secret passions you endure. Everything you keep inside yourself, no matter how much I’ve shared with you. No matter what I’ve revealed.”
“‘All that you’ve revealed,’ ” I nearly spit, “is how much you covet control. Of how unchanging you really are.”
I turn away.
“No,” Jeremy walks around the table and grabs my arm in a vice, tearing me back.
“Let go!”
“I will not,” he snarls. “You will not turn your back on me again, Lilly, or so help me God…”
“Or what?” I fire back at him. “You’ll put me in the dark?”
His hand moves so fast I have no time to react. All I know is that one minute I’m standing, the next I’m crumpled on the floor. The whole left half of my face is numb. I taste blood.
“Get up,” Jeremy snaps. He picks me up and all but throws me toward the upturned chair. “Sit down. I warned you before, Lilly. You will not make such vile accusations of me again.”
I’m shaking, trembling as I right the chair and sit on it.
I hate you, is all I can think. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I glower at him from behind swollen eyes. The pain is radiating from my face down to the rest of my body. It mixes with adrenaline, with the flawed fight-or-flight response that has me frozen in place. Frozen in indecision.
“And now we’re going to talk,” he tells me. He drags another chair close to mine and settles down onto it, hands on its back. “And it’s all going to come out, Lilly. All of it. The whole truth. Because if you try to deceive me again…” he flexes his fist and looks at it, “even I don’t want to imagine what might happen.”
And he’s back, I think bitterly. Stonehart is here in the flesh.
It took barely a single provocation on my part.
“Now,” he says, leaning close to me. I can feel his breath on my cheek and I hate him all the more for it. “I’m going to do you the courtesy of explaining things from my perspective. So you might see things as I see them, and judge not me, but yourself, in my eyes.
“Because you, dear Lilly, are entirely at fault for everything that has befallen you.
“It starts with your attitude toward me. I know that you foster poisonous thoughts. It is only natural. I am the monster who ripped you from your life. Am I not? I am the one who imprisoned your father, who unleashed Conner on your mother, who kept track of you for so many years until things finally fell to their natural conclusion.
“But that conclusion was only a beginning. Wasn’t it? Your entrance into my life changed things. Things I never imagined it would. And this…” He touches my swollen cheek, almost tenderly now, as I stare straight ahead, avoiding his eyes. “…this is the unfortunate consequence of what you make me do.
“You fire me up, Lilly,” he hisses, his voice low and hoarse. “You build such passion in me, such an addiction, that I can never look away. That’s where we are now, my dear. And,” he clutches the roots of my hair in a tight fist to force my ear to his lips. “I’m afraid the only escape you have is the glorious prospect of death.”
“You’re going to kill me,” I say flatly, refusing to let even a shred of emotion enter my voice.
“Gah!” he spits, and twists away. I gasp as the pain at the back of my head evaporates.
“No, I’m not going to kill you, Lilly. Who do you think I am?” He’s pacing one side of the room now. I see his flashing shape from the peripherals of my vision.
“Then what?” I lift my chin. “Drug me over and over until I’m nothing more than a living corpse? Something warm for you to stick your dick into?”
“Don’t,” he warns.
“Don’t what?” I stand and turn to face him. “Don’t tell you what I think? I thought this whole debacle began because of honesty. Well, how’s this as honesty for you?” I point at my cheek. “I am going into work tomorrow, and I’m wearing this as a badge of honor. If anybody asks, I’ll tell them the truth. I’ll say that you did it. What happens next, I don’t know, but it will be your shit to deal with.”
“And what makes you think you still have a position,” Jeremy asks. “Within my company?”
“The ink of my signature on the employment contract, Jeremy. Or did you burn that one up just like the other?”
“Ah, but you failed to read between the lines, my dear. Your contract lasted only until the day my company went public. Renewal was left at my discretion.”
“What he giveth, he taketh away,” I quote sarcastically. “I would say I’m surprised, but I’m not. Fine. I won’t go to Stonehart Industries.
I’ll go to the cops.”
“Oh, no, the cops,” Jeremy shakes his hands in a childish, off-hand gesture of fear. “Look at me, I’m trembling.” He stops and bears down on me, eyes hard as sapphires. “Please. You and I both know that for an empty threat. You wouldn’t risk what you’ve built here.”
“Watch me,” I say. “I’m not your prisoner anymore. I am a free woman, as you say. Or has that right also been revoked?”
“Nothing’s been revoked, Lilly,” Jeremy says. “Nothing’s even changed. I am still the man you were in love with yesterday. And you…” he says. His hands are on the table, and he suddenly looks extremely sad. “Are still my precious Lilly-Flower.”
The shift in demeanor flies away as quickly as it has come. When he looks at me next, his face is a perfect mask, devoid of emotion.
I laugh. I laugh not from humor, but from spite. I laugh because a frenetic hysteria fills me. The contradictions. The shifting moods. The instability.
The utter chaos and unpredictability that is Jeremy Stonehart.
He looks at me, patiently waiting for my fit to finish.
I keep laughing. I don’t know where it comes from. But it continues to fill me, continues to rise from the depth of my lungs.
Is it the laughter of a desperate woman, or of one half-mad? Those distractions mean little to me at this point. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, my life will always be controlled by Jeremy Stonehart.
This evening, he has proven that.
“Are you done?” he asks finally. He sounds annoyed. Maybe my laughter penetrated through the façade and actually reached him.
“You drive me to these places, Jeremy. I am but the unwitting passenger.”
“Poetic,” he says. He smiles at me in a way that, for a second, makes his face look like that of an animated corpse. “But far from the point.”
“Then what is the point, Jeremy? That you are very much insane? That I am very likely, too? It has to be madness, that keeps me tied to you for so long, after you’ve sheared the bonds.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not madness, Lilly. You’re just too young to understand. You cannot grasp the concept of it all. It’s love. Undeniably, unsparingly, love.”
Uncovering You 9: Liberation Page 5
