He coughs suddenly, choking on a bit of saliva. I’ve never seen Jeremy like this.
“You need to change,” I tell him softly. “To shower. To sleep. You’re not making any sense right now. I’ll take care of you until you’re sober and rested. But then? Then, Jeremy, we will have a solemn talk.”
He laughs in my face. “You’ll take care of me? After everything that I’ve done to you? Are you insane, Lilly? Or am I the crazy one? I am giving you an out. Leave, now, and don’t look back. Forget about me and everything that’s happened. Forget—”
“Jeremy,” I say his name softly, but firmly. “I can’t do that. I can’t just forget.”
“Of course,” he says. “Scars of the past mix with scars of the present. You still haven’t had your revenge on me yet.”
“Revenge?” I say, startled. “What revenge? What are you talking about?”
“You want to ruin me,” he says. “You want to get me back for all the things I did to you in the dark. I know you do, Lilly. I can see the desire on your face. You think you hide it. But, I fear to say, you are quite transparent.
“I know what it looks like to search for revenge. I know the final triumph that comes when you get your vengeance. I’ve done it. I’ve lived it. I’ve been there.
“So you can’t hide it from me, my sweet Lilly-Flower. I know that is the reason you stay. But I’m warning you, you will not be successful.
“Do you know why? Because you’ve already done it. Look at me!” He sneers. “Look at me. Hiding in the dark, hiding in the basement from the woman I love. The very same woman who wants to drive a stake through my heart.”
“Jeremy, no.”
“Just listen! I gave you your chance. You could have pulled the trigger. You’d be rid of me. Doesn’t that speak of the desperation I feel? Doesn’t it show you how far I’ve fallen? How far you’ve struck me down?”
“I didn’t do anything…”
“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong! That’s where you’re very, very wrong. You exerted influence over me, Lilly, and that is the most critical type of power there is. You made me degrade myself into…into this.” He looks at himself. “This shallow, broken, ruined shell of a man. You think I don’t know what I did to you two nights ago? Despite all my promises, despite my efforts to the contrary?
“You’ve put me in a rare state of mind, Lilly. I dare say it will not come again. So leave now. Have your revenge. Losing you forever, letting you walk away is more than I can bear. I don’t know what will become of me. Stonehart Industries, I’ll still run.” He laughs once more. “ I fathom that will consume me to the end of my days. Something to drive away the pain. To hide from the loss. Without you, there’ll be nothing left to feel. Nothing I’ll be able to feel. And maybe things are better that way. It is what I excel at, after all. Distance. It is what I’ve built my life around.”
“Jeremy,” I take a deep breath. “You’re not well. You need to sleep. We can talk after—“
“Fuck after! We’re talking now, Lilly. I’ve made my decision. You can go. I’m not about to follow. Leave now. Leave me be. Get off the estate. Get away from my property. Maybe the gun was too much. Maybe—”
“Jeremy, “ I say. “I’m not about to leave you like this.”
“Listen to me!” he hisses, grabbing my arm. “Do you want to know my end goal, Lilly? Do you want to know what I intended to do to you?”
He’s speaking with the fervor of a madman. His fingers dig into my flesh with astounding strength.
“When I first brought you here, Lilly, do you know what I wanted to do? No. I never told you. You could only guess at it. But the truth will frighten you beyond anything you could have imagined.”
His eyes shine with maniacal zeal. “I did not want to kill you, Lilly, if that’s what you’re thinking. Oh no. It was never so crude as that. My intentions were far, far more malicious.
“I gave you five years of the contract. I did not intend you to last. Two years, three, maybe tops. Before I would cast you out.
“That was my great ambition.
“I wanted to make you dependent on me for everything. I wanted to isolate you from the outside world so that all you knew was me. I wanted you completely in my power, completely in my grasp. The day we met, do you remember what I told you on the elevator ride up to my office? That I wanted your mind?
“That was always at the heart of it. You knew my intentions straight away. I wanted to make you so dependent on me that you would not be able to survive otherwise. I wanted to own you, Lilly. I wanted every thought that went through your pretty little head to revolve around me. I wanted to bring you in so deep that you would be incapable of surviving without me.
“And then, once I got there? Once I controlled your body, spirit, and mind? Then I would throw you out. I would dump you on the street and leave you to the wolves. You would be broken. Wretched. Weak. You would have nothing to your name. You would know nothing except how to please me. And with that outlet gone, what would you do next?
“I don’t know. It was my hope and ultimate ambition to watch you descend into madness. First, I had to teach you that everything you know revolved around me. Then, I would strip that from you, without mercy, without remorse. And you would be as lost as your father is. You would be lost, Lilly, and your mind would be gone!
“Do you see now? Do you see the type of man that I am? That is what I wanted to do to you. I wanted to break you. To make you suffer, not physically, but mentally. Internally. That was my great plan of revenge.
“Everything I set up had to do with getting you to that point. The collar. The restrictions. The rules. Even the god-damned, mother fucking TGB’s. You remember those, don’t you?” He laughs. “The Dextran spot? That was the carrot I would dangle before you. I would build up to it, lead you to believe that was my ultimate intention. Whereas in truth? In truth, it was fucking nothing!
“So go! Leave! That is why you need to get away. That is why you should run. I’ve laid out everything for you. Don’t you see, Lilly? The conquest of your mind…That is what I was building to. I knew it would be the hardest end to achieve. Your body? I could take that from you. God knows I raped you enough times in the dark. That was easy. Any man with the proper resources and enough strength could do that.
“Gaining control of your mind, however? That was the challenge. The challenge that only I could accomplish.”
He lets go of my arm. I stagger back, off-balance. He continues:
“But I could not. I failed, Lilly, the moment I fell in love with you. I tried to fight it. I told you what I did. But you were the one who got to me, in here.” He touches the side of his head. “I wanted your mind, but in reality, you took over mine.
“So that is who I am. You know it all. I was going to leave you penniless on the street. Ask yourself: Is that the sort of man you can stand to be around?”
“Jeremy…”
“No! Don’t answer. Just get away, Lilly. Please. Please, get away. I do not deserve you. There’s a side of me I can’t control. It came out at dinner. Friday night. I hurt you once, fuck, more than once, and I can do it again. For your own sake, go. Be free of me. Leave me to my crumbling empire.”
“Jeremy.” I say firmly. I take his hand and look into his eyes. I see moisture there—the barest hint of tears.
He tries to look away. Using my good hand, I touch his cheek and force him toward me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him. “Look at me, dammit! Don’t hide. I’m not leaving you like this. You’ve laid it all on the line for me. That’s worth something. So, I will, too.
“You’re right, Jeremy. You do scare me. Frankly, you terrify me. I never know what side of you I’m going to get. Kind, sweet, and caring? Or cold, cruel, and manipulative?
“Most people operate on a single level. They are only one person. You…you’re so complex. You’ve got so many layers to you. Be it from your upbringing or from what you’ve built yourself to be. I don
’t know. You are capable of awful, horrible things. But—this is important—you’re not defined by them.
“There is kindness within you. Yet you rebel against it. I see it. I see how hard you try to be the person Stonehart Industries needs at the helm. You can’t afford to be emotional. And yet, when I’m around, you can’t help it. It makes you…more human.
“The kindness does not make up for your other side, Jeremy. Don’t get me wrong. But just as the potential for violence scares me, the potential for sweetness and caring keeps me close.
“That’s what I think I have with you: This indefinable, constantly changing, ever-in-flux…thing. Our relationship. We’re both guilty of deceit, even if we try to deny it. Even if we vow to one another that we will not lie.
“But that’s kind of what defines us, isn’t it?” I give an uneasy laugh. “The uncertainty. The complication. I’m not going to leave now, Jeremy, nor will I ever. Because nothing like this…” I take his hand again and link our fingers together, “…nothing like us will ever be possible again for me. There is nothing and no one after you.
“So in that you’re wrong. You have won me over. You do have my mind. And my heart. Dammit. When I woke up after passing out, I swore I would never love you again. I said that I cannot love a man who does this—“ I glance at my broken arm. “—to me. And yet, look at me. Here I am, pouring my heart out.”
I suppress a small sob. “You’ve done it, Jeremy. You’ve claimed my mind. But I don’t think you’re capable of executing the next part of your plan. You‘re not going to cast me out. You can send me away, sure. But you won’t do that either. And I’ll never leave you without a fight.”
“Why?” Jeremy asks. He sounds desperate.
“Why?” I repeat. “Originally, it was for revenge. You are completely right. I had to get back at you for the things you did to me. That was my plan, all along, from the moment I signed your blasted contract.”
He gives me a weak smile. “I know it was.”
“And it was still there when we left for the Caribbean. It was there when you took the collar off. Even on the day you burned the contract and gave me access to your home. Always, always it was there.”
“And now?” Jeremy asks softly.
“It…hasn’t gone away,” I admit. “Just like you wanted to break me, I wanted to harm you. I wanted to make you cower before me. I didn’t know how I would do it. But I know that I had nothing but time to find a way.
“Do you know why I sent Fey and Robin away, after bringing them to Boston to see you? I had to get rid of them. I was afraid they would ruin my plot to get back at you. They wanted to take me away from you. But if I were away, how could I make good on the promise I made to myself on my last day by the pillar?”
“And that promise was?”
“To bring you to your knees,” I smile again, weakly. I feel all shaky. These are not things I thought I’d ever be admitting to Stonehart. These are—were?—my innermost desires. The things that were driving me to everything I did.
“You know,” he says, peering deep into my eyes. “Some promises were made to be broken.”
“I know,” I say, holding his hand tight.
“What changed?”
“Something…in you. Last night. You gave me the gun. You tried to make me pull the trigger. And I couldn’t do it.
“Only when I accidentally fired the shot…and realized that you could have been killed…did I understand that the real reason I’ve remained had nothing to do with revenge. Rather, it was because I did not want to be anywhere else. More important to me than revenge, Jeremy, is understanding.”
“Understanding?”
“Of who you are. Of why you do the things you do. Of how it’s possible for you to make me feel this way. Of why love is even on the radar after everything you’ve subjected me to.”
He smiles weakly. “Your conclusion?”
“I don’t have one yet,” I tell him in earnest. “It would help if I knew about Rose, Charles, and Hugh. Those three and I seem to be the central figures in your life. Do you know that you yelled out something when I startled you from your nightmare?”
Jeremy exhales and closes his eyes. “I did?”
“Yes. You screamed, ‘Don’t touch me, Rose’.”
I tilt his chin up. “I want to know what that means, Jeremy. I want to know who Rose is or was to you. What is your history? What is your past? I want to know, and I think I deserve to know, because now, officially, I have no secrets from you. You know why I remained at first. And you know what I heard you scream at night. Ultimate truth is what you were always after, wasn’t it? Truth and honesty and trust?
“It doesn’t go any deeper than this. You’ve seen me—all of me. I’ve told you how my attitude toward you has shifted. We have dozens—hundreds—of things left unresolved. But the core has been exposed. You know mine and I know yours. We’re even now, so to speak.
“So tell me, Jeremy. Will you let me see who you are? Will you finally lower your walls? Because I…I don’t have any left.”
Jeremy Stonehart looks at me in contemplative silence for a long time. Finally, he speaks.
“You’ve given me a lot to think about,” he says, standing, gently pushing me aside. “That is your choice? You’re not going to leave? You’re going to stay with me—despite everything I’ve done and all that I am capable of?”
“Yes,” I say. “Yes, Jeremy, I’m staying. A thousand night hounds couldn’t chase me away. You are in possession of all my secrets now. What you do with them? That’s up to you.”
“I will treasure them,” he says firmly. “And I will tell you every single thing you want to know. About me. About Rose. About our past. But first,” he gives a sly little wink, “I think I’m long overdue for a shower.”
Chapter Sixteen
When Jeremy comes out an hour later, he is a man transformed.
His eyes are still a little red, to be sure, but otherwise he’s perfect. Flawless. Stunning. Handsome.
He’s shaved and changed. His hair is styled back as usual. His crisp grey suit is a far departure from the threadbare clothing from before.
And there I am, wearing a throwaway hoodie and sweats. Designer clothes of course—I don’t have anything else—but very much lacking compared to Jeremy Stonehart. Again, I feel slightly inadequate. Jeremy is an intimidating man. He has that effect.
I shake my head a little to cast aside those doubts. They serve no purpose and have no place. Not here. Not now. Not when there are so many more important things on the horizon.
“So,” Jeremy sits across from me. We’re in one of the massive living rooms on the ground floor of his mansion. The sun shining through the window makes the day feel crisp and full possibilities. It’s a drastic change from the darkened room I found Jeremy in earlier. “What do you want to know?”
“First things first,” I say. “Am I going back to work?”
Jeremy does not hesitate in answering, “No.”
“I thought so,” I mutter. “I want a computer, then.”
“Very well.”
“I don’t want it to be monitored.”
He frowns. “Fine,” he says finally.
“No tricks this time, Jeremy. You can’t reveal to me later that you’ve been watching data traffic on the network because it does not constitute monitoring on the computer. No technicalities. I don’t want anything I do on the computer to be visible to you.”
“Then protect it with a password,” he says with a slight smile. “This isn’t a big issue for me, Lilly.”
“Really? I think it still is.”
“Maybe,” he muses. “Maybe you’re right. But I won’t make an issue out of it—if that makes a difference.”
“It does,” I say. “Thank you.”
He gestures for me to go on.
“Who put my arm in a splint?”
“A nurse. The same one who helped me assess the state of your health when you were in the dark.”
“Not Rose?” I ask.
Jeremy smiles. “No,” he says. “Not her.”
“Then who?”
“A friend who owes old favors.”
“Not…your brother, either, right?”
Jeremy’s eyes darken for a frightening moment. Then he answers, “No. Not him.”
“Okay,” I say. “Fine. My take on this is that, every time you do something…unfortunate to me, you have somebody on call to ensure that I survive? Is that right?”
“Why, Lilly,” Jeremy muses. “You seem to have picked up some of that clinical detachment you constantly accuse me of.”
I’m almost relaxed enough to stick my tongue out at him. But that would undermine what I’m trying to achieve.
I make do with a smug, quaint smile.
“Next,” I say. “We have to discuss Rose.”
“Yes,” Jeremy agrees. “We do.”
“So?” I ask. “Who is she? What’s her connection with your father? With you? She didn’t know he was coming to dinner that night. And Charles. Why did Charles attack Hugh? What the hell was going on? What kind of catastrophe did you dream up?”
“The meeting between Rose and my father…” Jeremy exhales. “…was long overdue.”
“I could deduce that much.”
“Do you remember that day in Boston, when I asked you if Hugh mentioned Rose?”
“Yes,” I say. “I didn’t know why he would.”
“Odds are, he wouldn’t have,” Jeremy says. “He did not know that she worked for me.”
“Worked?” I say. “As in, past tense? You said you dismissed her and Charles. Are they not here anymore? I can’t imagine you would just let them go. But I saw their house. It was abandoned.”
“That’s…currently in flux,” Jeremy says. “I had to know where I stood with you before making my final choice.”
Uncovering You 9: Liberation Page 12
