by Mia Ford
I shook my head in understanding.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “The relationship was toxic. I will never deny that, but there were also good times…And those were some of the best times of my life.” She grinned in a sad way, “He was everything to me and certain places, I still go and think fondly of him.”
“I guess I never got to that point,” I insisted.
“It takes time,” Carrie admitted, looking at me for the first time in a long while, “But once it happens, the next time is easier and while you never forget, you don’t burst into tears, or get angry all over again. You simply enjoy the memory.”
“Is that why you came up here? To the mountain? Is this one of your places?” I urged, hoping that my questioning wouldn’t upset her.
However, seemingly pleased by my interest, she nodded, “It was a long time ago, but he and I took a trip out here and went camping for a few days. It was just him and I. He loved the woods and he knew a lot about them, so I felt safe with him. This trip was before he was abusive…We were probably sixteen or seventeen,” she giggled, “I got in so much trouble when my parents found out, but it was worth it.”
“Oh, so you were a little rebel,” I teased slightly.
Adamantly, Cassie shook her head, “No, not at all. That was probably the only thing I ever did like that…Our relationship was off again, on again, after that, since my parents weren’t too thrilled with his influence.” She rolled her eyes, almost looking like the teenage-self she was referring to. “The day I turned eighteen, he and I got a place of our own together. We worked our asses off and he got a job at his father’s company. Everything was going well, despite the parental disapproval, but then, he hurt himself on the job and had to be let go. He was only nineteen. Pain medicine, mixed with alcohol made him a different person. He never recovered from the addiction. It made him violent and depressed. Eventually, I had enough, and I moved back in with my parents. I started to go to school, more to take up time while I wasn’t working, so that I didn’t have to think about anything. I decided to be a paralegal, because I wanted to help people.”
“Wow…” I replied, unsure of what else I could say to her. I was shocked by what she told me and felt kind of dumb for how I had reacted to my own breakup. However, I didn’t mention any of this. I simply continued to give Carrie my undivided attention.
“So, when I got the call that he had died, and that one of his final thoughts was of me, it was devastating. I hadn’t seen him in years…I hadn’t wanted to see him in years, but in that moment, I wished I had been at his side. I wished I was able to help him…But I had abandoned him, just like he felt everyone else had abandoned him.”
“Carrie, you know that there’s nothing you could’ve done, right?” I insisted.
She nodded weakly, and I got the feeling that she had heard that attempt at comfort a million times before.
“That wasn’t really the worst part. Yeah, I mean, I was shocked, devastated and hurt, but I’m getting over that. What I had a harder time with, was when I told my roommate, my parents, and my friends, everyone gave a collective good riddance.”
“What?”
“It wasn’t in so many words, but through their half-hearted condolences, I knew that’s what they meant. No one would talk to me about it. No one thought I should even care. Everyone, almost seemed happy, that now, I would never go back with him, even though I never had any inclination to. I was a different person than I was then, when I was dating him, and I wouldn’t have put up with his shit anymore. Although, I wasn’t happy that he was gone. For the first time, probably since we were kept apart in high school, I missed him. I wanted to go to the funeral, but his mother, who never liked me much anyway, inadvertently blamed me for his death and was unwelcoming to the idea of me showing up. My parents told me that it would only dig up bad memories and my roommate told me that there was no reason for me to mourn a looser, who was never going to amount to anything anyway.”
“Damn…And you said, your parents were supportive?”
Carrie chuckled slightly, “Trust me, what they said was warranted. They tried to be gentle about it, but they had seen me hurt by him, so many times in so many ways, it took a lot for them to be as kind as they were about it.”
“And, your roommate?”
“That’s just the way she is…and, I mean, in their strange way, they were trying to help me, and give me the support that they thought I needed to move on from him, that wasn’t what I needed. I had already moved on. I was mourning for a life that I knew, better than anyone. I was morning for the man I fell in love with, not the abusive jerk who had shattered my self-esteem. So, I decided to take this trip, to get away from the people who were proving to be unhelpful in my grieving process and be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to create a new memory, where I could do what I wanted, be who I wanted, think how I wanted, without anyone telling me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way.”
“Then, you found me,” I added, feeling terrible and wishing that I could hold her.
“Don’t worry, I’m not rebounding or anything. I actually haven’t thought about him much at all…And you’re nothing like him, besides you know your way around the woods.”
“And, I can be an asshole?”
“Yes, but at least you admit it,” she answered in somewhat of a teasing tone and I wondered if maybe, somewhere deep inside, she had forgiven me, even a little bit.
“Yeah, well, there’s no point in trying to deny it,” I replied, stepping closer to her, and hoping that my next question was something she could even answer. “So, with everything that happened, after everything that happened, how can you even think about dating, or trusting anyone ever again?”
“It took a while, but his death didn’t affect me in that way. I only wanted to be there to support him, so that he might have lived. I didn’t want to date him, ever again. I took a long time to find myself. I had a good support system…and school helped. It gave me a goal besides marriage and kids. It distracted me, so that I could have fun. Now, I’m sure if that didn’t destroy me, and I survived him killing himself, which was a fear I lived with every day at the end of our relationship, I could figure out a way to make it through pretty much anything. I couldn’t stop my life at twenty-three and even now, I can’t stop my life for anyone. I need to do what I want to do, with the people I want to do it with. I tend to be blunt, but that’s only because I spent so much of my life not saying what I wanted to say, for fear of angering someone. Now, while I don’t mean any harm, I say what’s on my mind. If you don’t like it, too bad.”
I grinned at her, feeling an overwhelming sensation of attraction.
“Hey, Cassie, would you mind if I walked closer with you, down to the ranger’s station?”
She paused for a moment, glancing at the building, that now wasn’t too far away, before looking back at me and putting out her hand.
“Thank you, Johnathan, I would be honored.”
Chapter 21: Carrie
While it had felt good to tell Johnathan my story, as we walked toward the ranger’s station, I was reminded that he might leave.
Yet, the conversation I had with him had also reminded me that if he did, that was okay.
As angry as I was with him before, after sharing my own secret with him, I felt it was silly to continue in anger.
After all, the last thing that I had learned from my ex’s death is that no matter how far you try to put someone behind you, if they meant enough to you, one moment and one instant could bring them right back to the forefront of my mind.
I didn’t want my ex back, but there was a part of me that genuinely blamed myself for his death.
There were a million ways that I thought I could’ve been better to him, helped him more and stayed by his side, though I knew that wasn’t a possibility.
Deep down, I knew there was nothing that I could do. If I had still been with him, I might have been the one who found him, and I would just be starting my
journey of self-discovery; that is if he hadn’t dragged me down with me.
While I would’ve liked to think that he wouldn’t have hurt me, really hurt me, I got away from him because he scared me. I remembered at the time, having the thought that if I stayed with him, I could die and that was ultimately what made me leave.
So, if I had stayed, logically, I knew there was a much better chance of him killing me, before taking his own life, then there was of me saving him; though I would never admit it.
Although, being reminded of all this, being brought back there, while explaining what happened to Johnathan had given me the presence of mind to live for the moment. Be in the moment.
When my ex died, I was still angry with him and he knew it. The last thing I had told him was that he was dead to me, when he reached out a couple years before. I was in a bad place, but that wasn’t why I had said it. I had said it so that he would get the hint that the relationship, and any hope of us ever getting back together was gone.
Ultimately, I had said it out of spite and although that was something I was to guilty to ever say to anyone else, that had stuck with me.
I had thought about calling him to apologize, or writing him a letter, but ultimately, I had always thought better of it. I didn’t want him to think that there might be a way for him to wriggle his way back into my heart again and for that, I didn’t regret.
I had more self-respect than that. Yet, I did wish that there was a way I could tell him that I hadn’t meant what I said and that the part of him that I fell in love with, would always remain in my heart.
Therefore, the conversation I had about him with Johnathan reminded me not to make the same mistake; especially to a man who hadn’t hurt me near as bad as my ex had.
If I was going to part ways with him, I wanted to part ways on good terms, with no regrets, and an open invitation, if he ever felt like he could try to assimilate back into society, even if it was for only a day or so.
The conversation I had with Johnathan had also reminded me that these things take time. It had taken mem a long time to be okay with myself, after breaking up with my ex. It was nearly a year before I even wanted to go back to the same places that he frequented, in fear that I would see him, or someone we used to know.
Eventually, that fear subsided though, and I was able to go out and have a good time without looking over my shoulder every minute.
So, I knew that I needed to give Johnathan time. That was the only way he was ever going to make any progress.
I decided to adopt the idea of, it was meant to be, it would be, when it was meant to be; not a second sooner.
Destiny was another thing I knew, mostly because of Kasandra, that you couldn’t force, or run from.
However, when we finally reached the station, I thought it was strange that no one was there.
The building looked more like a lodge than a ranger station, with the attributes of the outside reminding me of the cabin.
I hoped that was a sign that it was another safe space.
Although, the way that it was looking, there wasn’t anyone else around out here. The chimney was unlit and there were no lights on inside the building.
Johnathan and I looked around for a vehicle and knocked on the door, to no avail.
“Hmmmm,” I offered, looking back at Johnathan as he peered inside a window, “Well, I’m here and I’ll be safe. I can handle myself…You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to.”
“Are you kidding? There’s no one here…” he snickered, “You know Jake won’t let me leave.
“Are you sure? I’ll be okay.”
“Positive…” he answered, knocking on the door one last time before entering.
At the sight of benches, I realized how exhausted I was and imped over to one where I could sit down and prop my leg up. The lights were on and it looked like someone was here at some point, recently, judging by the half-drank coffee on the desk, which was scattered with papers.
Across from the desk, there was a radio, which Johnathan used to call the rangers.
There was static at first, after his initial call, but eventually, a man’s voice comes over the radio, informing Johnathan that they are perfectly safe in the station, but it would be a few hours before they can get a vehicle up to them. Apparently, there was a mud slide that affected an area a little further down the mountain and they were having trouble getting trucks across even to clear it.
Johnathan thanked them and told them that we would be here whenever they could get there.
Afterward, he started to look through the shelves, grabbing snacks and water bottles. He tossed two bottles and a couple of bags of chips in my direction. I downed the first bottle before he even had a chance to speak.
“I know this isn’t the best first meal, but it’ll keep you alive until help arrives.”
“This is fine!” I exclaimed, digging into the first bag of chips. “At this point, this bench is starting to look appetizing,” I joked, as Johnathan poured some water into a bowl for Jake and gave him some of the chips, before sitting next to me.
The closeness I felt as his arm brushed against me was strangely comforting. I grinned at him and scooted closer.
We enjoyed our chips and water, ravenously, as though it was the best food we had ever tasted.
After barely eating the past few days, though, anything would’ve been a godsend.
Once we had our fill of the junk food, Jonathan asked, “Do you want me to look at your ankle? I’m sure we can find a First Aid Kit around here somewhere. I can splint it properly.”
I shook my head in agreement and offered my leg to him.
Carefully, Johnathan peeled my pant leg back, to reveal a swollen ankle.
“Damn,” he admitted, “I’m glad you were able to make it here.”
“Is it that bad?” I demanded raising my head up to get a better look.
“I’m not sure exactly how bad it was, but the trek we took certainly didn’t help it,” he pressed against it with a small amount of pressure.
“Ouch!” I exclaimed, when it started to hurt.
He focused on my leg as he touched a few more spots, which burned from both the injury and over-using the muscles.
“I don’t think anything is broken, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to do an x-ray when you get back to the bottom of the mountain, just to be sure.”
I shook my head in agreement as Johnathan stood up and walked over to the metal cabinet that was standing in the corner.
He disappeared for a moment but returned quickly with a white metal suitcase-looking box, labeled First Aid.
He wrapped my ankle tightly with an Ace bandage, being cautious of the pain it was causing.
Besides feeling like heated pins and needles, once the bandage was secured, the sharp pains and pulsing lessened intensely.
“How’s that?”
“Good,” I answered, not sure if there was a possibility for it to be any better, considering the abuse it had taken the past few days. “It feels much better,” I assured him.
“Great!” Johnathan offered, before growing noticeably quiet.
I allowed the silence for a little while, but eventually, I had to ask what the issue was.
“Nothing,” he shook his head, as though solidifying his response. Everything is fine. I’m…happy we finally made it.”
“But?” I urged, knowing that there had to be more.
“I’m just…I’m sorry, okay? I wish I could give you everything, including the trust that I know you deserve, but I can’t and that bothers me…Especially after everything you’ve been through.”
“Johnathan, I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad or to pity me,” I explained, covering his hand with my own, “I told you that, with the hope that you will one day realize that there is a way out, even when you can never imagine your life any other way.”
“But I just keep thinking about all the shitty stuff I said to you, when in reality, you probably kno
w far better than I will ever know, how to get over tragedy and move on.”
“I told you all that to help you, that’s it. I learned to move on, because I had to…Because I refused to allow my situation to get the best of me. I want to survive, and I want to thrive. So, whenever I have the urge to give up, the urge I have experienced many times, I fight through it. I do something to change my situation. When I felt threatened by my ex, I moved out. When I heard that he died, I came here, and when the guide…” I willingly let my voice trail off there, still not wanting to think too much about the most current tragedy I experienced.
“You found me and have to deal with my problems?” Johnathan suggested, though his voice was slightly teasing.
“No, I found you. Do you forget all that you did for me?”
“Besides giving you a complex?”
I playfully nudged him, “Trust me, you’re not that crazy. It takes a lot more than falling in love with a relationship-shy, anti-social mountain man to give me a complex,” I chuckled. “But seriously, Johnathan, after everything that happens, I find a way to move on and eventually persevere. Even after shit hits the fan, there is life and happiness after. I promise, you just have to be willing to receive it.”
He thought about this for a moment, before he shook his head, “I just don’t know how you do it.”
