His scent no longer lingers on my bed sheets. I can feel him slipping away, and it is too much, and still it’s not enough.
Sweat beads on my skin and I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating in my grief. It’s like burning lava coursing through my veins. A pain so excruciating, so unbearable, that for a moment I just want to die, too. I want to escape this agony and follow my heart to wherever he’s gone. Because a life without him, this life I’m pretending to live, is almost too much to bear.
And that thought leads to guilt. How can I, even for mere seconds, want to leave my daughter all alone in this world? It’s selfish, and it’s wrong. I’m a horrible mother.
With trembling hands, I pull open the drawer to my nightstand and manage to open the prescription bottle and tap a Xanax into my palm. I take deep breaths and try not to pass out as I slowly ease into a sitting position. I open the bottle of water that I keep next to my bed, swallow the pill, and I wait. I wait for the medicine to calm my racing heart. To clear my clouded vision. To ease the dizzying nausea.
The panic attacks are worse now than ever. They usually come at night. At night, when I am alone. When I can drift off and for a blessed moment in time forget that my entire life has been upended. That I will never again feel his touch, taste his lips, or feel his hair slide through my fingertips. I will never again feel him moving over me—inside of me. And when that realization hits, it’s like I’m standing inside of a burning building with no escape.
As the attack subsides, I glance back over to the clock: 3:03 A.M. What will I do for the next three and a half hours? I grab my phone from under my pillow and bring up the picture of Abbott and Tillie; the one he sent me right before the accident. I’ve spent countless hours staring at his radiant smile. That smile. That smile that will never again brighten my days.
I put the phone down and try to fall back asleep, but my mind won’t shut off. Memories of Abbott flood my thoughts. I touch my fingers to my lips and smile as I remember our first kiss.
It was Halloween of 2001, my first year at Tulane, and my first frat party. My roommate, Cassie, and I decided to wear complementing costumes because that’s what corny, college freshman BFFs do.
“How’s my tail, Viv? Is it centered?” Cassie asks as she climbs out of the cab, stumbling over the curb.
“It’s as centered as it’s going to be. I’m not playing with your ass in front of all of these hot guys,” I answer, shaking my head at how ridiculous she looks trying to see her own ass from over her shoulder. “Find a bathroom and check it out in the mirror or something. It’s hanging a little to the left.”
“That’s what she said! Ba dum bum tsssss!” Cass jokes. “Oh come on, Viv! I need you. You can’t let me go in there looking a mess.”
Great. Now she’s begging.
“No one will see. Just fix my ass. Fix it or I’ll embarrass you. You know I will,” she threatens.
And I know she will. Ugh. “Hurry up. Get over here.” I adjust the pin attaching the pointy black tail to her red spandex pants and then slap her on the ass for good measure.
“Vivienne? Is that you, angel? Where have you been all my life?” Oh God. Oh God. I know that voice. Of course he would be the one to walk up and catch me slapping another girl’s ass.
I’m so surprised that I choke on my own saliva. Way to be sexy. Why couldn’t it have been anyone else?
“Oh, shit, are you okay, Viv?” he asks as he rushes over to pat me on the back.
I don’t even attempt to disguise it as I openly check him out. Black fitted, v-neck tee, fuck me jeans, and damn he smells good. Like beer and cologne...“I want to lick him.”
Cassie lets out a loud guffaw, and I realize that I may have just said that out loud. Fuck Cassie for making me drink so much before the party.
“You want to lick who, babe? Cuz if there’s any chance that you meant me...lick away. And you don’t have to stop there. I’m down for making all of your fantasies come true,” Abbott says as his hand stills on my waist.
I look up and meet his gaze. I am frozen in place, hypnotized by those damn crystal blue eyes. I should be embarrassed. I would be if I could form a coherent thought.
“Okay...so you two love birds have at that shit. I’m going to find me a drink and a man...in that order,” my best friend says before giving me a wink and walking away. She walks away!
Abbott reaches up and adjusts my halo. If you haven’t figured it out by now, Cassie is a sexy little devil, and I am her opposite: an innocent angel. Well, innocent is a stretch. There’s not much innocent about this costume. I suddenly feel extremely underdressed.
“Thanks, Abbott. I...ummm...” I cover my face with my hands and take a deep breath before I continue. “God, I’m so embarrassed. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. Truly.”
“I really hope you don’t mean that.”
“What? That I’m embarrassed?”
“No, not that. That you didn’t mean it. Because I did.”
“Well, I mean, I didn’t mean to say it, you know...out loud...” I stammer. Why am I so nervous? Abbott’s my friend. We’ve been friends for months. Why do I suddenly feel like a stranger? Like I’m bumping into him for the first time? He must think I am an idiot.
“So, you do want to lick me, then...That’s good. Really good, Viv,” Abbott slurs.
“Is it?” I ask in a whisper.
“Mmmhmm.” He pulls me closer. My face is now even with his chest, his erection pressing against my stomach.
His erection. Holy crap, I gave Abbott Parker a hard on. At least I’m assuming it was me. Oh God, I am so drunk.
I look up to find him staring down at me. And as if my body has a mind of its own, I rise up on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck.
“Viv,” Abbott whispers, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my lips.
“Yeah?”
Abbott places his free hand on my face and begins to slowly rub his thumb across my trembling lips. “Viv,” he whispers once more, and there is so much yearning in the way that he says my name. I feel liquid heat pool in my belly as I slide my tongue out to taste his salty skin.
And that is all the permission Abbott needs to pull my face into his and press his lips to mine. He runs his tongue along the seam of my mouth, and I open for him. Our tongues meet in tentative strokes before finding their rhythm, and I am lost in his kiss. Nothing else exists but this moment. I slide my hands up the sides of his smooth face and into his short, blond hair, tugging gently. Abbott groans in response and moves his hands down to my ass and squeezes as he pulls me impossibly closer. Our kiss becomes more urgent. Lips melding. Tongues thrashing. Licking. Teasing. Tasting. And then he continues licking and sucking down my face to my neck. I rock into his erection and whimper, which seems to urge him on. He works his way back to my mouth and our tongues war with each other in primal need. My God, I never want this moment to end.
Through a haze, I register what sounds like hooting and hollering, and it takes a moment for me to realize that we are the cause. I break the kiss and whisper, “Abbott...Abbott, stop.”
But he doesn’t stop. He moves back to my neck, and I’ll be damned if a part of me doesn’t want him to just fuck me right here for all to see.
The cat calls get louder, and finally Abbott takes notice of the situation. He shakes his head in frustration and pulls at his lips with his fingers. “Fuck,” he growls out.
My face is flushed...from the kissing or the embarrassment of being watched, who knows? I’m suddenly dizzy and nauseated, and I just want the ground to swallow me whole. “Abbott?”
“Yeah, babe?” he answers, still breathing heavily.
“I think I’m going to be sick.” And then I gag. Because isn’t that what all girls do after the best fucking kiss of their life?
“Oh, shit...” Abbott yells over to his friends. “Show’s over, guys. Get the fuck out!”
The guys make their way back into the house, for which I am extremely
grateful, when only seconds later I puke right there on the front lawn of the frat house.
I laugh aloud at the memory, and it’s so good to feel something other than pure devastation when I think of my husband.
It’s now just after 4:30 A.M., but I’m too afraid to even attempt sleep. I haven’t felt this good since the accident, and I don’t want to risk losing it. I stretch out my arms and legs then peel myself from my comfortable bed. I throw on workout clothes and running shoes and put in an hour on the treadmill.
After a nice hot shower, I sneak past Cassie sleeping on the couch, careful not to wake her, and into the kitchen to make my girls some breakfast.
Just as I finish scrambling a batch of eggs and frying a few strips of bacon, Matilda barges into the kitchen. “I smell bacon! Are you making me some bacon, Mom?” she asks and then lets out a big yawn.
“Yes, ma’am! Hungry?”
“Duh! I’m starvin’ Marvin,” she says with a giggle.
“Are you, Silly Tillie?” As I speak Abbott’s usual line, a lump forms in my throat. I can’t help but feel guilty when I say or do things that were “his.” I know it’s ridiculous. I know that it is not my fault that he isn’t here to do it himself. But the guilt ensues nonetheless.
“Yep!” she says. “I am.”
“I had a feeling you would be,” I say with a wink. “Eat up, Bossyrella! We have a busy day today. Your cousin, Reid, is coming tomorrow. Wanna help Mommy clean up the pool house for him?”
Just then, Cassie comes trudging into the kitchen. “Damn, Momma, it’s not even six yet. Why the hell are you up so early?” she asks, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Not that I’m complaining. Breakfast smells delicious!”
“I woke up a few hours ago and couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind was on overdrive, so I got up and worked out for a bit and then decided to make breakfast,” I answer as I pour each of us a glass of apple juice.
“That’s great, Viv. You look really good. Are you doing okay?” she asks while chewing on a mouthful of bacon. “What am I saying? Of course you’re not okay...but you know what I mean. Better today than yesterday?” she adds, looking hopeful.
“I feel really great, actually. I was remembering that Halloween party...at the frat house.” I laugh. “Do you remember?”
“Oh my God, Viv. How could I forget? You puked on the freaking front lawn for Christ’s sake.” She laughs, shaking her head. “It was the first time you ever embarrassed me.”
“And the last,” I add with a smirk and a raise of my brow.
She laughs. “Definitely not the last.”
“Mommy, why did you pupe in someone’s grass? That’s not nice, right, Auntie?” Tillie says with a disgusted look on her face. That girl is always listening. I really need to be more aware of what we talk about around her.
“Mommy was sick, baby girl. Mind your business and eat your breakfast,” I tell her, pointing to her half-eaten plate.
“So, Reid gets here tomorrow. I thought maybe you should get back to work, Cassie. I love having you here. I mean...I don’t know how I would have survived the last week without you, honestly, but I’m feeling a little better and will have someone to keep me company during the day. Your kids must be missing you like crazy. I hear you on the phone with them all day, and I’m just feeling really bad for keeping you from them.”
Cassie is a social worker for the Department of Social Services. After being just another number on someone’s roster for so many years, she wanted to make a difference. Cass loves her kids. I know that they must miss her. She says that they’ll understand, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Guilt. It seems to be my new best friend. For kids who have nothing, having someone who genuinely cares is everything. I hate knowing that I am the reason she hasn’t been around.
“Are you kicking me out?” she asks with an exaggerated look of shock on her face. “After all I’ve done for you. You hear that, Tillie? Your mom is kicking me out.”
“I sink you can stay. You can sleep wif me in my bed if you want to, Auntie,” Matilda answers sweetly. “Mommy, why are you making Auntie Cass leave? Her’s your best friend!”
“Aw, at least someone loves me,” Cassie says to Tillie, giving her a kiss on the forehead. “I’m just kidding, though, baby girl. I can’t stay forever. How about this weekend Auntie will come sleep over with you in your new big girl bed?”
“That’s a great idea! And we can paint our nails, and do make-ups...and we can watch a movie...and eat popcorn!” Tillie’s face lights up with excitement.
“It’s a date!” Cass says to Tillie before turning her attention back to me. “So, you’re sure you’re okay with me leaving? I can take a few more days off if you need. But if you think you will be okay, then I probably should get back.”
“I’m fine. I swear. It’s already been a week. If I need you, I promise I’ll call,” I say between bites. I need her gone so that I can force myself to be a fully functioning human being. She can’t continue to put her life on hold for me. And, I need to make things as normal as possible for my daughter. I can feel myself beginning to depend on her too much, and I can’t afford to become that person.
“Okay, then. What’s on the agenda for today? What needs to be done before Reid gets here?” Cassie asks.
“I was planning to clean out the pool house for him. Freshen it up. I want him to have his own space.” I look at both Tillie and Cass and ask, “You two down for a day of scrubbin’?”
“Not me!” Tillie shouts. “I’m not cleaning. I’m just little. I’m just going to play toys...and watch tartoons, and not clean. I’m not doing that...” she says, shaking her little head vehemently.
Once we finish with the cleaning, the three of us spend the day splashing in the pool, and it feels like any other Sunday. I forget that I am now a widow. That my husband just died and that I should be mourning his death. I smile, and I mean it, but damned if I don’t feel guilty about it afterward.
It’s a crazy thing, guilt. I never realized what an all-consuming, crippling emotion it can be. Is this what my life will be like from now on? Guilt stealing what little happiness I manage to find along the way?
Reid
“But, Reid...” Kylie whines through the phone, “this was supposed to be our last summer together before school starts. I was looking forward to spending some time together. Do you realize how hard it will be to see each other when you’re in Louisiana and I’m in Georgia?”
We’ve had this same conversation every night since my father told me that he’d promised my summer to Aunt Viv. I want to be pissed at him for volunteering me for shit without my consent, but even I am not that big of an asshole. I haven’t seen the woman in years but she was still married to my uncle, and I’m just going to have to suck it up and get my ass out there.
Plus, he threatened to not pay for my schooling if I don’t. So, yeah, there’s also that.
“Babe, we’ve been over this. It’s not like I can just fucking say no, okay? You think I want to spend my summer with my aunt and her kid? I’d much rather spend it in you...” I joke.
She doesn’t laugh.
“With you, baby, with you. It was a joke. Chill out.”
She sniffs. “God, I don’t know how you can be so...so...whatever about this.”
Kylie has been my girl, off and on, for almost three years. Our families are in business together, and we’ve always been friends. When high school and hormones came around, it just sort of made sense. We’ve taken a few breaks, and I’ve fucked a few other girls, but I’m pretty sure Kylie has only ever been with me.
I hate it when she cries...when any girl cries. I don’t know how to handle that shit. I care about her, but right now she’s really starting to get on my fucking nerves. I have a plane to catch...early. The last thing I feel like hearing is this shit again. It won’t change anything.
“Listen, Kylie, maybe we should just start our break now.”
Kylie and I discussed calling it quits during col
lege. We’ll still see each other when I come home, but I don’t want to be tied down, and she doesn’t want to lose me. It works for us both. I’m pretty sure we will one day end up married and do the whole kids thing. Nothing would please our families more, and I do love her. I think. But I’m not married yet. I want to enjoy my college years, and I want the same for her.
Her cries get louder, more forceful. Make it stop.
“Is that what you want, Reid? To break up?” she asks between sobs. “You going out there to hook up with some girl or something?”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Kylie! Yeah, I met a girl the last time I was out there eight fucking years ago!” I yell. “We talked about this,” I say with a little more control.
“But...we were supposed to have the summer,” she cries.
“Yeah, we were, but things changed. Look, I really need to get some sleep. I can’t do this right now. Let’s just end it now and I’ll see you when I come home for Thanksgiving, okay?”
“Yeah, I mean...I guess I don’t really have much of a choice, do I?” she asks with a twinge of hope in her voice.
“No, babe, not really. No regrets, remember?” I remind her. “I want you to enjoy these next few years. I don’t want you sitting around crying over me. We’ll still talk,” I assure her. “I love you, baby. That’s not going to change. We just need to experiment and experience life before settling down.”
Kylie doesn’t respond, just continues crying into the phone.
“Right, okay. Well, I’m going to get to bed. Call me tomorrow or something, okay?” I offer weakly. “Love you.” And then I end the call.
After getting off of the plane, I make my way over to the baggage area and see a poster with my name on it in colorful bubble letters held up by a woman, who I’m assuming is Aunt Viv. She’s dressed in a simple pink tank top and jean shorts with flip flops. Her hair is in long waves down her back and those legs...long, lean, and toned that top off a perfectly round ass. Fuck. When did Aunt Viv get so hot?
Vivienne's Guilt Page 4
