Wow. My heart aches for him. “I’m so sorry Abbott,” I say, smoothing his hair back. “I can’t believe one kiss was worth throwing away years of friendship, though...I just can’t understand why she would overreact like that.”
“Grace has Asperger’s. It’s a form of autism. I didn’t know about it until we’d been friends for a few years. She was just a normal girl with me, but with everyone else, she was so mousy. Grace was shy and tripped over her words. She had trouble making friends. She obsessed over the things that she cared about, and I was one of those things. I knew how much she cared for me, and I should’ve taken better care with her. She was my best friend, and I disrespected her. I, of all people, knew better.”
I can’t help but feel a little jealous at how much she meant to him.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Abbott. I don’t know her, but I’m sure she knows how much you regret what happened and how sorry you are. You made that very clear. You can’t blame yourself for her reaction. You tried, and that’s all you can do. It sucks that things ended the way they did...but she would be crazy to think anything but amazing things about you. You’re a great guy,” I say, sprinkling kisses over his face. “And you are really—” kiss “—really—” kiss “—sexy,” I say, running my hands up his smooth chest.
Abbott smirks. “Keep it coming. I’m great, and I’m sexy, and...”
“And, you have a really...big...ego!”
“So, is that what we’re calling him now? Ego?” he questions as he grinds his hardening cock into my leg.
Again?
“You better put your ego away before I can’t move, Casanova.”
“Married only a few hours and already it starts!”
Shaking my head, I answer, “I’ll take care of your ego later, don’t you worry. Just give Virginia time to recover.”
The bed shakes with the force of his laughter. “Virginia? That’s really unoriginal, babe. I’m disappointed by your lack of effort. Naming privates is a very big deal,” he says, looking down at his impressive ego. “Pun intended.”
I scoff, “Privates? What are we in, kindergarten?”
“Touché,” he says, flicking my nose. “Naming your pussy...” Abbott whispers, drawing out the word as he runs his finger along my slit, “is a big deal. It should be something sexy. Virginia...” he says, shaking his head, “is not sexy, baby.”
“My bad.” I arch my breasts into his chest as my heart beats rapidly at his touch and breathily respond, “My apologies, the fine china needs time to recuperate from the pounding your ego put her through over the past eight hours.”
He purses his lips, scrunching up his face. “Meh, that’s a little better. We’ll keep working on it.”
Banging on my bedroom door pulls me back to reality. I must have dozed off again after taking my medicine.
“Rise and shine, lover!” Ugh, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
“Go away!” I shout, pulling the covers back over my head.
She raps on the door once again. “Come on, Momma. They’re going to be here soon.”
I groan. “Cass...”
“Yeah, babe?”
“I can’t,” I cry. “I can’t do it.”
“I got it, babe. Just come when you’re ready.”
I shut my eyes and drift in and out of sleep.
“So,” Abbott says, massaging my scalp with his fingertips. “I was thinking...”
I widen my eye. “Uh-oh, that’s rarely a good thing.”
He gives my hair a gentle pull. “Shush. I really have an idea.”
“I’m sorry, baby. What’s up?”
“Well,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck, “I was thinking that when we get home from our honeymoon and start building the lake house...that we could add in plans for a summer camp for kids with Asperger’s? Kids like Gracie.”
The loss of his friendship with Grace obviously still bothers him a lot. Abbott is so hard on himself sometimes. Maybe this will finally give him some closure.
“I think that’s a great idea, Abbott,” I say with genuine excitement.
The look he gives me in return is one of sheer relief. “You do?”
“I do,” I agree, smiling at his cuteness.
“Good. I just got the feeling that you didn’t like her much when we were talking earlier.”
“I don’t like that she hurt you, and I don’t think you’re the only one to blame for the loss of your friendship, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see how much she meant to you and how much you need some closure. I understand that she had issues, and you know how much I love children. Helping kids could never be a bad thing, and if it helps you in the process, then all the better.”
“You’re the best wife ever,” Abbott declares, pulling me in for a hug. He buries his scruffy face into the nape of my neck, eliciting a chill as his warm breath on my sensitive skin awakens a fervor in me.
I roll my head back, giving him better access as my heartbeat becomes erratic. “Abbott...”
“Yeah, babe?” he whispers into my ear.
“She’s ready,” I moan breathily.
“Who?” he teases.
“Ummm...” God, this feels so good. “Uh, ohhh...I can’t think right now, Abbott,” I whimper.
“Come on,” he urges, sucking on my earlobe, “give me something, Vivie.”
“Pink taco,” I blurt out. Pink taco?
He snorts...Snorts!
“Pink taco?” he questions, his voice filled with laughter.
“You’re killing my buzz,” I warn, glaring at him.
Abbott chuckles, raising his palms out in surrender. “Pink taco...okay...we can work with that. Sounds delicious. Mind if I have a taste?”
I don’t mind. I don’t mind one bit.
I jolt up in bed. What the hell am I doing? This camp was so important to Abbott. Now is not the time to wallow.
After the world’s fastest shower, I throw on a sundress and apply a little makeup to cover the dark circles that have become a permanent fixture on my face then head downstairs to greet this year’s campers.
“Good morning, Princess Mommy,” Tillie calls from the breakfast table.
I walk over and plant a kiss on her chubby little cheek. “Good morning, Princess Tillie. How are those eggs Auntie made for you?”
“Delicious,” she answers, spraying little fragments of scrambled eggs onto the table.
The screen door squeaks open, and Reid walks in dressed in a pair of khaki cargo shorts and his camp polo. “Reid Parker, reporting for duty!” he announces with a salute. Someone’s in a good mood this morning.
“Good morning, Reid.” I smile. “Where’s Kylie?”
He scoffs, “Are you kidding? That princess won’t be out of bed for hours.” Reid rolls his eyes. “Beauty rest and all that...”
“Oh my God!” Tillie screams. “I knewed it! I knewed her was a real Princess!”
The room erupts with laughter.
“Oh, Dimples. She likes to think so, baby girl. She likes to think so,” he says, shaking his head with a huge grin plastered on his face.
“Don’t we all?” Cassie adds with a smile.
“All right, so...the vans will be here in about an hour, and the maid service should be just about finished with the pavilion and outdoor bathrooms. I think we’re all set once that’s done.” I’m giddy with excitement. Even when he can’t be here physically to keep me going, Abbott shows up in a memory and saves me.
The three of us are out on the front porch watching Tillie run around in the yard when the vans pull up. There’s a twelve passenger van with six boys and two male counselors and another with six girls and two female counselors.
The kids file out as we walk over to introduce ourselves.
The two male counselors are Jordan and Tyler, and the girls are Sarah and Lila. They all seem nice enough. Three of the campers were here last year, and I can’t believe how much they have grown in such a short time. Jace, Zavier, an
d Julie are fifteen and our repeat campers. Eric, Emma, Molly, and Charlotte are fourteen. The thirteen-year-olds are Michael, Cruz, Matthew, Rose, and Jessica.
“Where’s Mr. Abbott?” Zavier asks. The smile on my face disappears. I can’t say it. I can’t make the words leave my lips. I don’t know how to say that my husband is dead without completely losing it, and I will not break down in front of these children.
Reid overhears and like a white knight swoops in to save the day. “Viv, why don’t you go get the kids’ snacks together and Cassie and I can take them on a tour of the grounds?” he offers.
I nod and clear the lump from my throat. “Sounds good. I’ll see you all soon.” I can hear Reid speaking to the group as I walk away with Tillie’s tiny hand clasped in my own. I can’t make out what he’s saying, and I’m extremely glad for that. I should’ve been prepared for this...the question was inevitable.
“I want to go with Reid and Auntie, Mommy,” Tillie whines as I practically drag her back to the house.
“I know, sweet girl. Mommy needs your help, though, and they’ll be right back. You can go next time, okay?”
She pokes out her lip in a pout but finally starts following me on her own.
About a half hour later, Reid and Cassie are back with all of our new guests. They crowd into the kitchen and begin filling their plates with finger food. We spend a few hours getting to know one another, and no one mentions Abbott again.
I see a few of the kids pairing off already, and I know that Abbott would be proud.
After a while, I notice that Cassie is nowhere to be found and sneak off to look for her. I find her alone in the downstairs guest bedroom in what looks to be a pretty heavy conversation. I can hear her begging the Clawsons for just a little more time. She’s on the verge of tears and doesn’t seem to be winning her argument. “Please, Mr. Clawson. She really is a great kid, and Korie will be lost without her big sister.” She listens for a moment. “Just give me enough time to find someone to take them both...I can’t send her to a group home...What if I keep her with me all day, and she promises to behave...Just one more chance.” She listens, and I see her features begin to relax. “Thank you so much, Mr. Clawson...I’ll make sure that she’s on her best behavior.”
As she hangs up the call, Cassie rests her head against the wall and cries. I’ve never seen her look so defeated.
“Cassie?” I whisper, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
Suddenly, her body goes limp in my arms. Her legs give out, and her head falls to the side.
“Cassie!” I shout while dragging her over to the bed. Before I can even lay her down, she comes out of it.
She quickly wipes her tears away and turns to me with a weak smile. “Hey.”
“What the hell just happened? Cassie, you fainted in my arms.”
“Did I?” she asks, looking a little dazed. “Hmm. My thyroid must be off again. I’m okay. Don’t worry about me, Viv.”
She is clearly not okay. I take a good look at my best friend and notice how worn out she looks. How scrawny she is. I feel like shit because I have totally dropped the ball with her. I’ve allowed Cassie to take care of my daughter and me, and I’ve forgotten to take care of her. I’m her person. I look out for her. We look out for each other, and she has had no one these past few weeks. “I’m so sorry, Cassie. I haven’t been here for you.”
She gives me a look that says that she thinks I am completely insane. “Really? I don’t need you to be there for me right now, Viv. It’s my turn to help you. My problems are nothing compared to yours.”
“Cass, don’t do that. Don’t shut me out because you think I can’t handle it. You don’t get to decide that your problems aren’t worth sharing.”
She shakes her head. “Seriously, Vivienne, do you hear yourself? You’re asking me to dump my shit on the shoulders of my best friend who just lost her husband. I’m not that selfish.”
I want to choke her.
“It’s not selfish to confide in me. Yes, I’m sad and I’m depressed, and I probably will be for a very long time. Maybe even forever,” I say with tears building in my eyes. “But I’m not dead, Cassie. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean I want to lose my best friend, too...I’ve already lost so much, Cass. Please don’t leave me, too,” I cry.
“Never, Viv. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m sorry for not confiding in you,” she says, taking my hand into hers. “I’m just running out of options with Sierra, but I’ll figure something out. Don’t worry about it,” she says, using her sleeve to dry her face.
“Why don’t you bring her here instead of making her hang out with you at work? If she wants to, of course...I could use a babysitter for Tillie during the day. They seemed to hit it off well when we went tubing,” I offer.
“Okay. Maybe I will,” she says, starting to rise from the bed.
“Oh, no,” I say, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back down. “No way. What was up with you fainting? And don’t lie to me and tell me that bullshit about your thyroid. You don’t have problems with your thyroid.”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s all the stress with Sierra and losing Abbott. It’s just a lot. That’s never happened to me before, I promise,” she says. After studying her face, I decide that I believe her.
“Cassie, I think that you need to see someone. You aren’t eating right. I probably should have made you go to a therapist a long time ago for this. You have a problem. I’m not saying you aren’t stressed, but you’re skin and bones.”
The panic in her face takes me by surprise. “No. Viv, I can’t. If my job found out...CPS is really strict about those things. I can’t risk losing my job. I will eat. I swear,” she begs with tears in her eyes.
I don’t know what to do. I know that she needs help. I also know that losing her job would kill her, and no one would care for her kids the way she does. “I don’t know, Cass...”
“I swear I’ll come over and let you watch me eat every day, Viv. I know that I haven’t been eating right, but I swear it’s not because I’m trying to lose weight. I just get so stressed out that I don’t feel hungry,” she explains.
“Fine,” I answer with a resigned sigh. “But I’m watching you, and you can’t keep shutting me out.”
Cassie leans in and gives me a hug. “Thank you, bestie,” she whispers into my ear. “I love you.”
I return her hug, feeling the bones in her back, and it makes me cringe with guilt. “I love you, too, babe. Let’s go get some food in you before you pass out again.”
After filling our bellies, Cassie takes off to pick up Sierra before she can get into any more trouble, and I walk down to the lake to join everyone else. Reid left a note on the fridge saying that he had taken Tillie and where to find them so that I wouldn’t worry.
Everyone seems to be having a great time. After fishing, we pull out the life jackets and let the kids take turns in the paddle boats. When Cassie returns with Sierra, she too straps on a jacket and joins right in with the other kids.
Cassie and I lay out in the grass, watching the children play, and I notice the way her whole face lights up as she watches Sierra and how much more relaxed she seems now that she’s here. She will make a great mom someday.
“She’s not a bad kid,” Cassie says, breaking the silence.
“No,” I agree, “she’s not. Did you talk to her about helping me out with Tillie for the summer? I’d love to have her, and it will give you time with your other cases.”
Cassie nods. “I spoke to her on the way over here. She’s really excited.” Cassie turns to me and smiles. “Thank you for giving her a chance, Viv.”
“No thanks needed. We’re family, and that’s what family is supposed to do. We take care of each other, Cass. Your people are my people.”
Finally, five o’clock rolls around and I’ve never been so happy to see those white vans depart. I’m both physically and emotionally drained. We su
rvived our first day of Camp Aspie without Abbott, and while it wasn’t quite the same without him, I do think the kids really enjoyed it.
Reid comes over and asks to borrow the car so that he can take Kylie out to eat, and I’m relieved that I won’t have to entertain them tonight.
Cassie and Sierra stay for dinner and a movie. Once they leave, Tillie and I grab a quick shower, brush our teeth, and climb into her frilly pink bed. I fall asleep amid mountains of stuffed animals and toys with my own little doll cradled tightly in my arms. Even with my arm completely numb under the weight of Tillie’s head and various little girl things poking me in the back, it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.
Vivienne
We’ve just finished with another successful day of camp, and I feel so much relief as I wave goodbye to the children and watch those white vans roll down the driveway. I don’t ever remember being this exhausted by the camp. It was something that Abbott and I enjoyed so much that the days all flew by in a blur. Now, they seem to drag on endlessly.
We stand there waving until they’re out of sight, and then Cassie, Sierra, Tillie, and I meet Reid and Kylie at the pool to cool off.
Reid and Kylie...
I can’t stop watching the two of them together. I’m obsessed with the way his hand is caressing her inner thigh when he thinks no one is watching...her body’s reaction. The slight flush in her cheeks and the promise in her eyes.
I’m overcome with jealousy because I want to feel that way, too...to feel my body come alive beneath my husband’s touch. I want his hands on my thighs, in my hair, on my breasts...whisper soft kisses and his warm breath on my skin.
I know that I should turn away, but I hesitate for a moment too long, and I’m caught. Reid’s eyes find mine over her shoulder and my heart begins to race. Blood pulses behind my ears. Blue eyes that are as familiar as the back of my hand. The same blue eyes that I fell in love with so long ago. My heart clenches tightly in my chest as I struggle to look away.
With all of the restraint that I can muster, I rip my gaze from his and turn over in my lounger, diverting my attention to the other end of the pool. Reaching into my bag, I retrieve a pair of sunglasses to hide the frustration now seeping from my eyes. Knots form in my gut as I watch my baby girl and my best friend splashing around seemingly without a care in the world, and I’m even jealous of them. I can’t remember what it feels like to not carry the weight of the world in my chest.
Vivienne's Guilt Page 12
