Fake Snakes and Weird Wizards #4

by Henry Winkler

  “Okay, you win.” I took the pink sunglasses from Ashley and put them on.

  They worked. With the hat and the robe and the beard and the glasses, you’d never know it was me.

  As I strutted around the clubhouse in my new costume, I felt like my plan was off to a good start.

  “Now all you have to do is learn the magic trick,” Frankie said. “No problem.”

  That was easy for him to say. Frankie learns everything really fast. But for me, learning new things is hard. I mean really hard.

  Don’t let yourself think about that now, Hank, I told myself.

  But I noticed that myself was too nervous to answer.

  We got started right away. Frankie took the elevator up to his apartment to get the magic trick. While he was gone, Ashley suggested I practice walking around and talking with my costume on. I was pretty good about not tripping on the robe, but the beard was another story. Every time I moved my lips, the beard slipped off my face and landed on the ground. It looked like a fluffy white bunny rabbit fell asleep on my shoes.

  “This beard isn’t working,” I told Ashley. “Either it’s too big or my face is too small.”

  “I don’t think your face is going to grow before the party,” Ashley answered. “So we’ll have to come up with another way to keep the beard on.”

  She looked around the storage room and noticed a roll of clear packing tape sitting on one of the shelves.

  “Just the thing,” she said.

  She took the roll of tape and tore off two small pieces. Then I held very still while she taped the beard to both sides of the pink sunglasses.

  “Now your beard won’t fall down unless you take the sunglasses off,” Ashley said.

  By then, Frankie had returned with the magic trick. To me, it just looked like an empty black velvet bag.

  “Oh, but feast your eyes on this,” Frankie said, turning the bag inside out. “What do you see?”

  “An empty bag.”

  Frankie turned the bag right-side out, so it was back to normal. Then with a big smile, he reached in and pulled out a long chain of colored scarves.

  “Zengawii!” he said. “It’s magic.”

  “How’d you do that?” I asked.

  “Very well.” Frankie laughed. “That’s what us magicians always say when someone asks how we do a trick.”

  “Come on, Frankie. You have to tell me,” I said. “How else am I going to learn?”

  “Okay, but you have to promise not to tell. It’s the Magicians’ Code. We don’t share our secrets.”

  “I promise.”

  “Me too,” Ashley said.

  Frankie lowered his voice to a whisper. “The scarves are in a hidden compartment inside the lining of the bag. When you reach inside, you have to open the Velcro pocket to get to the scarves, without anyone seeing what you’re doing. It takes practice. You’re going to have to spend a lot of time on this trick, Hankster.”

  “Okay,” I agreed. “But first let’s get the snake, and tie it to the end of the scarves. There’s no point in practicing without it. I know right where they are at the ninety-nine-cent store . . . in between the canned artichokes and the Little Tugboat toothbrushes.”

  “Then what are we waiting for?” Ashley asked.

  We took the elevator up to the tenth floor and burst into my apartment. My dad was sitting in his leather chair, doing a crossword puzzle.

  “Dad!” I said. “We need to make an emergency trip to the ninety-nine-cent store. Can you please take us?” (

  My dad didn’t look up. He was concentrating.

  “What’s a seven-letter word for this clue: ‘You don’t want to bite this in public.’”

  “A crossing guard,” I answered.

  Now my dad looked up. “How did you come up with that, Hank?”

  I smiled proudly. “My brain is on fire, Dad.”

  My sister, Emily, walked into the living room, putting her nose where it didn’t belong, as usual.

  “First of all,” she said. “‘Crossing guard’ has thirteen letters. And second of all, the answer is ‘toenail.’”

  My dad gave her a big smile.

  “Thank you, honey,” he said. Then he put down his puzzle and said, “We’re going to the ninety-nine-cent store. Why don’t you join us?”

  “Noooooooooooo!” Frankie and Ashley and I cried all at once.

  My dad gave us that look, the one that says we’re doing this my way.

  “Dad, Emily can’t come,” I tried to explain. “We have secret business to do that only the three of us can know about.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Hank,” my dad said. “We don’t have secrets in this family. Emily, get your jacket.”

  Boy, was my dad ever wrong about not having secrets. We had one the size of Jupiter.

  “Hank,” Frankie whispered as we put on our jackets. “We can’t buy the snake with Emily there.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Frankie,” I said with my most confident Zipzer attitude. “I have everything under control. Ashley will walk Emily to the other side of the store, and I’ll pay for the snake. I got my wallet right here.”

  I patted my pocket. It was empty.

  “Okay, so I don’t have my wallet right here,” I said.

  I guess the old Zipzer attitude still needed a little work. I sure hoped I could fix it by the time we got to the store.

  “Ashley,” I whispered as soon as we walked into the ninety-nine-cent store, “your job is to take Emily over there, to the art-supply section. That way, Frankie and I can pick out the snake without her seeing us.”

  “How am I supposed to do that?” Ashley asked. “You know Emily. She’s going to want to go to the snake section.”

  “Tell her that you heard there’s a new reptile sticker book,” I suggested. “Then go look for it. And take your time.”

  “Right-o, Captain Hank. I’m on it,” Ashley said, giving me a salute.

  I watched her go up to Emily and whisper something in her ear. Emily nodded happily, and the two of them set off for the other side of the store.

  My dad had already found the crossword puzzle book section, and stuck his nose into one of the display books.

  “Dad,” I said. “Frankie and I will be in aisle three if you need us.”

  He was so involved in a puzzle that all he did was grunt.

  We ran up and down the aisles, looking for the rubber-snake bin. It turned out it was actually in aisle three, between the canned artichokes and the tugboat toothbrushes, just like I remembered. We both dug into the bin, sorting through fat snakes, short ones, green ones . . . until we came across a black and orange and yellow striped one.

  “Ginger!” I said. “Hey, nice to see you again.”

  “Don’t tell me you and this snake have had pizza together,” Frankie said, shooting me a look.

  “Of course not. Everyone knows rubber snakes can’t digest cheese.”

  Frankie burst out laughing. So did I. Unfortunately, we were a little too loud and attracted the attention of a certain almost-seven-year-old sister of mine. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emily hurrying over to our aisle, with Ashley following close behind.

  “I’ll distract her,” I whispered to Frankie. “You go buy Ginger. I’ll pay you back later.”

  With that, I spun around and raced down the aisle toward Emily.

  “I want to see what’s so funny!” she demanded.

  I put myself right in front of her and tried to puff up my chest so she couldn’t see around me. My chest doesn’t puff up all that much, so instead, I started talking as fast as I could.

  “Oh my gosh,” I said, pointing to an entire shelf filled with baby shoes. “Look at those. Aren’t they the cutest little things you’ve ever seen?”

  Emily turned around and loo
ked at the display of baby shoes. Ashley understood what I was doing and jumped right in.

  “Oh, Emily, those baby shoes would look so perfect on your iguana,” she said. “Of course, you’d have to buy two pairs.”

  “No problem,” I said. “I’ve saved some allowance money. I’d like to get something for Katherine.”

  “Do you have a fever, Hank?” Emily asked. “I’ve never heard you say anything nice about Katherine in my entire life.”

  “Well, it’s time I did,” I said. “She is one lovely lizard.”

  I took Emily by the hand and dragged her over to the baby shoes. I glanced at Frankie and saw that he was heading to the cash register, but he wasn’t there yet. I had to stall for a little while longer. So I reached out and picked up two pairs of pink baby sneakers that had rainbow-colored ponies on them. I slipped each shoe onto one of my fingers and moved them up and down like they were dancing.

  “Hi, Emily,” I said in a high squeaky voice. “It’s me, Katherine. I’m a happy little iguana because I’m dancing in these baby sneakers. They’re so soft, my claws feel like they’re walking on pillows.”

  Emily squinted at me like I had lost my mind. I could see that I was losing her attention, so I had to step up my performance. I started to twirl around, singing a made-up song.

  “I’m a dizzy little lizard, watch me twirl,” I sang, flapping my arms. I must have flapped a little too hard, because I lost my balance, and my entire body crashed into the stack of baby shoes. The next thing I knew, the whole display came tumbling down around me. It was raining tiny sneakers.

  “Hank!” Emily screamed. “Look what you did!”

  All the shoppers around me stopped and stared. One of them had a stroller with twins in it. Both babies started to cry. Then a little boy came running over to the pile of shoes and dove into them. When he came up for air, a pair of baby blue running shoes was hanging off his ear. Another kid pointed and laughed, and then picked up a shoe and threw it in the air, just for fun. It landed right on my head.

  Suddenly, there was a crackling noise on the loudspeaker.

  “Clean up on aisle three,” a man’s voice said.

  And before I knew it, two workers with brooms were at my side, sweeping the shoes into a pile. My dad had arrived, too, standing over me with his hands on his hips.

  “Hank, why is it that trouble follows you wherever you go?” he said. “I can’t leave you alone for two minutes.”

  “Actually, Mr. Z,” Ashley said, “I think we were alone for at least three minutes, which is a new record for Hank.”

  “Ashley, I appreciate your attempt at humor, but this is not the time,” my dad answered. “Look at this mess Hank has created.”

  Emily shook her head.

  “I’m so sorry about my brother,” she said to one of the workers.

  I looked up to the front of the store and saw Frankie. He was holding a brown paper bag above his head.

  “Frankie’s got it,” Ashley whispered in my ear.

  I turned to the workers who were cleaning up the mess.

  “Can I help you?” I asked.

  “That’s okay, kid. We got it. Accidents happen.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. “Thanks for understanding.” Then turning to Emily and my dad, I added, “Okay, let’s go.”

  “But what about Katherine’s sneakers?” Emily said.

  I gave her a look like her brains had dropped onto the floor in the pile of shoes.

  “Katherine?” I said. “Why would she need sneakers?”

  As I ran down the aisle to meet Frankie, I high-fived myself. The plan didn’t come off exactly as I had imagined it, but the snake was in the bag. Now all I had to do was learn how to pull it out.

  “Hank,” Frankie said to me. “This is the fifty-fifth time I’ve shown you this trick. You have to focus if you’re ever going to learn it.”

  We were in the clubhouse, and I had been working with Frankie after school for four days. I was proud of myself just for having found the velvet bag and the scarves. I had stuffed them into my backpack. But now, every time I tried to pull the snake out of the bag, something went wrong.

  “I’m really trying, Frankie, as hard as I can. I’m not messing up on purpose. I know I have to learn this trick, but I don’t think I can.”

  “Time is running out,” Ashley said. “It’s already Thursday, and Emily’s party is on Saturday.”

  “I’ll never be able to do it by then,” I said with a big sigh. “You’re the magician, Frankie. Why don’t you do it?”

  “Hank, you can do this. I believe in you. If you give up now, you’ll really feel bad.”

  “But if you get it,” Ashley added, “you’re going to feel good forever. You’ll never forget what you did for Emily.”

  “But this is starting to really freak me out,” I said. “All Emily talks about is how many people have said yes to her party. Last night at dinner, she said there were seventeen for-sures and another ten maybes. Not one person said no.”

  “Okay,” Frankie said, taking a deep breath. “Then let’s stop wasting time. You’re going to learn this.”

  I rolled up my wizard-robe sleeves and put on the sunglasses with the beard attached. I took a moment to scratch my nose, because the cotton balls tickled my nostrils.

  “Hankster,” Frankie said. “You have to become the Westside Wizard. And wizards don’t scratch.”

  “Well, this one does.”

  “Fine,” Frankie said. “Just go on with the trick.”

  “Okay,” I began. “First, I lift my hand in the air. Then I drop it into the velvet bag until I find the secret pocket with the Velcro strip. Then, I say the magic word. What is it again, Frankie? Grapefruit?”

  “No, zengawii. It doesn’t even sound like grapefruit.”

  “Zengawii!” I repeated in my best wizardy voice.

  I thought I felt the scarves tucked into the secret pocket. So far, so good. But when I pulled on the scarves, the whole bag flew across the room and landed smack in the middle of Mrs. Fink’s laundry basket.

  “That’s it!” I yelled, pulling off my beard and pointy wizard hat. “I can’t do this! I give up!”

  “But, Hank—” Ashley began.

  “No but Hanks,” I told her. “I’m so frustrated I could scream. In fact, I think I will. Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggg!” I shouted so loud I thought my tonsils were going to fly out of my mouth.

  “Hank, this isn’t helping,” Frankie said, covering his ears. “If you keep this up, they’re going to throw us out of here. Then you’ll have no place to practice.”

  “I’m done practicing,” I declared. “Done, done, and done. Oh, by the way, have I said the word done?”

  “What about Emily and her party?” Ashley asked. “You promised her a snake. Are you just going to go back on your promise?”

  “I’m going to solve this another way,” I said. “The right way.”

  Before they could ask me another question, I hurried out of the clubhouse and headed for the elevator. Frankie and Ashley followed me up to my apartment. When I got inside, I picked up the phone and called Papa Pete.

  “Hankie,” he answered. “What are you up to, my boy?”

  “Oh, about four foot three,” I told him. He roared with laughter. That was our special joke.

  “Papa Pete, can you help me?” I asked him. “I need you to come and pick me up. I have to visit a friend. I have a favor to ask him, and I don’t want my mom and dad to know.”

  “You’re not in any trouble, are you?” Papa Pete asked

  .

  “No more than usual,” I said.

  Papa Pete is great because he doesn’t bother you with too many questions, like most grown-ups do. He just tries to help.

  “I’ll be there soon,” he said.

 
As I hung up the phone, Frankie and Ashley were staring at me.

  “I’m not following this,” Frankie said. “What friend? What favor?”

  “His name is Ralph,” I explained. “He’s Ginger’s owner. I’m going to ask him if he and Ginger can come to Emily’s party.”

  “But didn’t your dad say it was too expensive?” Ashley asked.

  “That’s where the favor part comes in. I’m going to ask if he can do it for two dollars and sixty-three cents. That’s how much I have saved in my secret safe.”

  “Do you think Ralph will come for that?” Frankie asked. “It’s not very much money, snake-wise.”

  “I don’t know, Frankie,” I said. “But like you just said, I can’t let Emily down, so it’s worth a try. Are you guys coming?”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t miss this,” Ashley said.

  “You’re going to see Hank ‘the Hurricane’ Zipzer in action,” I said. At that very moment, I was positive I could convince Ralph to come to Emily’s party.

  But a few minutes later, when the Hurricane died down, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

  We took the bus to Ralph’s apartment. It was downtown on 19th Street, above a discount suitcase store. We had to walk up three flights of stairs, slower than usual because Papa Pete had to rest on each landing. When we got to Ralph’s door, the bell didn’t work, so we knocked. And waited. And waited.

  “Maybe he’s not home,” Ashley said.

  “Oh, he’s there,” I answered. “I called ahead and told him we were coming.”

  “How’d you get his number?”

  “From his brochure in Emily’s room. She sleeps with it under her pillow.”

  “Good planning, Hankie,” Papa Pete said. “I like the way you’re thinking ahead.”

  Suddenly, the door flew open and there was Ralph. Ginger was wrapped around his arm, and Boris, the blue-tailed skink, was relaxing on his shoulder. Ginger shot her tongue out at us, which made Frankie and Ashley take a giant step backward. Ralph laughed.