“You don’t have to be afraid, kids,” he said. “Ginger flicks her tongue to help her smell. It’s how she knows you’re here.”
“Good thing I took a shower this morning,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to gross Ginger out.”
Ralph threw his head back and laughed loudly. We all joined in.
“Our friend Hank is really funny,” Frankie said.
“So I see,” Ralph answered. “Come on in and meet the rest of the family.”
The inside of Ralph’s apartment was like a zoo, except you didn’t have to pay to get in. There were glass cages everywhere, and inside each cage was some kind of reptile. Speedy, the giant tortoise, was sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it was an infomercial about an exercise machine.
“Is Speedy interested in working out?” I asked. “I bet it would be hard to do sit-ups with that shell in the way.”
Ralph laughed again.
“You’re on a roll, kid. Now, what can I do for you? You said you needed a favor.”
I put on my biggest smile, and took a deep breath so all the words would come out right.
“Ralph,” I began. “Here is my problem: My sister, as annoying as she is, has only one wish in the whole wide world. And that wish is for you and Ginger to come to her birthday party. It’s this Saturday at noon.”
“I remember talking about this with your family at the street fair, but your parents never called,” Ralph said.
“That’s why I’m here. I think a personal invitation is always best. Don’t you think so, Papa Pete?”
“Personal is good,” Papa Pete agreed.
“Ralph,” I said, “I’m going to give you three reasons why you have to come to Emily’s party. One: The birthday cake will be so delicious it’ll make your socks go up and down. Two: You will make an almost-seven-year-old girl’s dream come true. And three: I have here in my pocket two dollars and sixty-three cents . . . and it’s all yours.”
I paused and gave him my best upper and lower teeth grin. (
He was quiet for a minute. I took that as a good sign. I flashed Frankie and Ashley a confident grin. Yup, this was Hank “the Hurricane” Zipzer in action, I thought. Hank, you have done a good job here. I think you’ve saved the day.
Ralph walked over to his dusty desk and pulled out a spiral notebook with a picture of two snakes on the cover. I think they were hugging, but without arms. He brought the notebook over to me and opened it to a page with a calendar on it.
“Hank, I am so sorry,” he said. “But as you can see on this calendar, I am busy every day for the next three weekends. This Saturday, Ginger and I have an appearance at the Central Park Zoo. And then we’re performing at Tiffany Nelson’s birthday party on Park Avenue.”
“But, Ralph,” I said, “you know how much you love your reptiles. There is only one other person on the planet who feels the way you do about them—my sister. If you come to her party, it will be the best birthday present I could ever give her. Forever.”
You’re not going to believe this, but when I said those words, I actually felt a lump in my throat, the kind you get before you cry. I meant every word I was saying.
Ralph reached out and put his hand on my shoulder, which brought Ginger dangerously close to my nose.
“Hank,” he said, “I think you’re a wonderful young man and a great big brother. But there is nothing I can do. Saturday is just completely booked. I’m so sorry.”
I felt another hand on my shoulder. It was Papa Pete.
“Hank, you tried your best,” he said. “But business is business, and Ralph can’t do it. So thank the kind man and let’s be on our way. We’ve taken up enough of his time.”
I shook hands with Ralph and tried to smile at Ginger. I didn’t smile at Boris, but he didn’t seem to mind. I guess skinks are like that.
As we left, I heard Ashley call out, “By the way, Ralph, Hank lives at Two Hundred Ten West Seventy-Eighth Street, in case anything, anything, anything changes.”
“That’s between Broadway and Amsterdam,” Frankie added.
I really appreciated that both of my friends were still trying their best, even when there seemed to be no hope. As for me, all I was thinking was that I had one more day to learn that trick.
Right. Somebody tell that to my brain.
That day and the next, I spent every spare minute in the clubhouse with Frankie and Ashley, going over the magic trick again and again. Finally, on Friday night at exactly 8:17 p.m., I got it right. And not only that, I got it right three times in a row. Costume on. Hand into velvet bag. Find secret pocket. Pull out handkerchief chain. Say zengawii and produce rubber snake. Wave hands in the air and take a bow. I did it all.
“See, Zip,” Frankie said. “I told you that if you kept your mind on it, you could do it. And you did it!”
“You are now officially the Westside Wizard,” Ashley added. “There’s only one thing left to do. Hand over your beard.”
“Excuse me,” I said in my wizardy voice. “It took me a long time to grow this.”
“Now isn’t the time to be cute, Hank,” Ashley said. “I have to fill that hole with another cotton ball. You’re going to have twenty-five kids looking at you tomorrow. That’s fifty eyeballs.”
While Ashley glued a cotton ball onto my beard, Frankie and I opened a package of chocolate-chip cookies I had brought down to the clubhouse with me. As I chewed my cookie, I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across my face.
“Dude, don’t smile so wide when you’re eating,” Frankie said. “I can see chocolate chunks stuck to your teeth.”
“I can’t help it, Frankie. I just feel so proud for learning something I thought I could never do.”
“You’re going to be great,” Ashley said. “Those little kids will be amazed. And Emily is going to be so happy, she won’t know what to say.”
“Oh, that will never happen. She hasn’t stopped talking about it all week.”
The last thing Ashley, Frankie, and I did that night was carefully pack the costume into a shopping bag so I could sneak it back into the apartment without Emily seeing it. We arranged to meet in our clubhouse at a few minutes before noon the next morning.
When I got back to the apartment, Emily and my mom were busy decorating the living room for the party. My mom was blowing up balloons, and Emily was using her colored markers to draw pictures of snakes and lizards on them. She wasn’t a bad artist. One of her drawings actually looked like Boris the blue-tailed skink.
Without even looking up, Emily said, “What’s in the bag, Hank?”
I swear that girl has eyes glued to the side of her head.
“Nothing,” I answered, hurrying into my room and closing the door.
My mom followed me into my room.
“Hank,” she said. “I know what you’re up to. Frankie’s mom and I have been talking, and I know that you’re planning a surprise for Emily.”
“You didn’t say anything to Emily, did you?”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t spoil your plan. But I just want to warn you: It’s not easy to entertain twenty-five first-graders. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Don’t you worry, Mom. The wizard is with us.”
“Well then, good luck to you, honey. Oh, I mean, to him.”
As my mom walked out the door, Emily stuck her head in.
“Have you checked with the wizard lately?” she asked. “I can’t wait to meet him. I’ve never met a real wizard before.”
“Me neither,” I said.
Emily looked surprised.
“Wait a minute, Hank. I thought you said you knew him.”
There it was . . . my foot in my mouth. Actually, both my feet were in there. When would I learn to keep my big mouth shut?
“Oh . . . yeah . . . ,” I stammered. “Of cours
e I know him. I was just joking with you, Emily. A little birthday-party humor.”
“Well, I don’t think it’s funny. I’ve been looking forward to this all week. It’s not nice to tease me the night before the best day of my life.”
The last thing I saw was her braids whip through the air as she turned around and slammed the door shut.
Emily’s words rang in my ears. The best day of her life. Wow, she wasn’t kidding around about this wizard thing. My stomach did a flip-flop. As I looked at the paper bag with my wizard costume shoved inside, I realized that I had better come through, or I was going to have one sad sister on my hands.
The next day was party day. The sun decided to come out bright and clear. Emily took it as a sign.
“You see,” she said at breakfast. “Even the sun is happy that it’s my birthday.”
“I bet the Westside Wizard made the sun come out,” I said, popping the rest of my buttered toast in my mouth.
“Do you really think so, Hank?” she asked, her eyes wide with excitement. “He must have incredible powers.”
“Of course he does.” I gulped. “Let’s just hope he brings them all with him today.”
I got up and hurried into my room. I practiced the trick for one hour straight. I got it right about half of the time. That was better than getting it right none of the time. But not as good as getting it right all of the time. At a few minutes before noon, I took my costume and headed for the clubhouse. Our living room was already filling up with kids.
Frankie and Ashley were waiting for me at the elevator in the basement.
“It’s crazy up there in my living room,” I told them. “It’s swarming with first-graders. They’re like bees . . . but without stingers.”
Frankie and Ashley helped me into my costume. Ashley adjusted my beard and added more tape to make sure it held on to the sunglasses.
“Okay, you’re ready,” Frankie said, checking me up and down.
We headed to the elevator. I was pretty nervous.
“I’m going to go out there first and get all those wild kids to sit down,” Frankie said calmly. “Ashley will wait by the front door of your apartment.”
I nodded, trying to listen carefully.
Frankie continued. “When she hears me say Make some noise for the Westside Wizard, she’ll open the door. That’s when you come in and work your way through the crowd. Be sure not to step on any kids while you’re at it.”
“Yeah,” Ashley agreed, “because if you do, they’ll kick you. Trust me, I know.”
When the elevator doors opened on the tenth floor, I could feel my heart beating fast under my heavy wizard coat.
“I hope this goes okay,” I whispered to Ashley.
“You did the trick perfectly last night,” she reminded me. “Just do everything you practiced and it will be fine.”
Frankie went into the living room. From the hall, I could hear his introduction. The kids applauded and cheered. Ashley opened the door for me. This was it. Showtime.
I walked into the living room, holding my arms high up in the air.
“Behold, all you tiny tots,” I called out in my best wizard voice. “The Westside Wizard has arrived.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see Papa Pete, leaning against the wall. He winked. I wondered how he knew it was me.
As I walked by the kids, I could hear lots of oohs and ahhs coming from their direction. Hey, this was working! At least it was until one little boy with a mouthful of jelly beans reached up and tugged on my coat. I whirled around and gave him the stare of a lifetime.
“What is your name, child?” I boomed.
“Eugie Pasos,” he said.
“Well, Eugie, the wizard does not like to be touched,” I growled. “Nor does his coat!”
Eugie actually looked kind of scared, and leaned back away from me. I was feeling the wizard power, and it felt good.
When I reached the front of the crowd, I turned slowly to face them.
“Is there an Emily Zipzer here?” I half-shouted.
Emily was sitting cross-legged in the front row, holding Cheerio in her lap. He is such a long wiener dog that even when curled up, his hind legs were hanging over on the rug.
When he saw me, Cheerio sniffed the air and let out a little whimper. I looked away, hoping he wouldn’t recognize me.
Emily put Cheerio down and jumped up to face me.
“Here I am, Oh Great Wizard,” she said. “Did you bring a snake for me?”
“Why, yes I did,” I called out. “But let me warn you, folks. You all must stay seated and remain quiet. Snakes have very sensitive ears.”
“No, they don’t,” Emily shot back. “They hear through their bones.”
Wouldn’t you know it, my know-it-all sister chose this moment to give everybody a reptile lesson.
“You are correct, Birthday Girl,” I said. “Now, please sit down. And hold your dog tightly. Frankie, will you please hand me the magic snake bag? Very carefully!”
Frankie handed me the bag. I turned it inside out and showed the kids that it was completely empty. No one could see the Velcro pocket.
“Observe that there is nothing in this bag but air,” I said. I pushed the wizard coat sleeves up as high as they could go. “And notice also that there is nothing up my sleeves,” I added.
“Except for very skinny arms,” Eugie Pasos shouted out. He should talk. His arms were so skinny, they looked like pencils without erasers.
“Silence, please. Keep your eyes focused on the bag and prepare to be amazed. I will now say the magic word. Are you ready?”
“Yes!” Emily yelled. And the other kids joined in. “Snake, snake, snake,” they chanted. Even Cheerio barked in time to their chant.
“Silence!” I shouted. A hush fell over the crowd. I waved one hand wildly over the opening of the bag. In my best wizard voice, I called out “Zengawii! Zengawii!” I said it a second time just in case the first time didn’t work.
Then I reached into the bag and found the Velcro pocket. Yes! So far, so good. My fingers fumbled around and found the handkerchief chain. All I needed now was one good tug, and it would come flying out with the rubber snake attached.
“Zengawii!” I hollered one more time, just for fun. Grabbing the end of the handkerchief between my thumb and my pointer finger, I yanked. And unbelievable as it may seem, the colorful handkerchiefs came flying out of the bag, dragging the rubber snake behind.
I grabbed the snake and spun it around over my head so no one could tell it was rubber. And then I waited for the sound of the applause.
It never came.
As I twirled the snake above my head, Cheerio leaped off Emily’s lap and flew through the air toward my beard. Grabbing the end with his mouth, he pulled on it like a play toy. I think he thought it was Mousie, his white furry toy that I throw across the room for him to catch. Anyway, he yanked on it with all his might.
“Cheerio, get down,” I said in my wizard voice.
“How do you know my dog’s name?” Emily called out.
Oops.
“The wizard knows all,” I said, covering my mistake.
I should have known that Cheerio would recognized my scent. He sniffed the air, his little brown nose working as hard as it could. He was so glad to see me, he jumped up even higher, getting a big hunk of my beard in his mouth. He tugged and growled at it, just like we do when we wrestle with Mousie.
I tried desperately to hold on to my beard. But Cheerio thought we were playing, and pulled even harder. With one mighty tug, he yanked the entire beard off my face, pulling the sunglasses off along with it.
I watched in horror as the beard and sunglasses went flying through the air.
I just stood there with my own face hanging out. All the little kids burst into wild laughter.
Ashley took off after my beard, which was still stuck in Cheerio’s mouth. Frankie, good friend that he is, tried to save the day.
“As you can see, kids, the wizard has magical powers and can change his face to look like anybody.”
“That’s not anybody!” Emily screamed. “It’s just my goofball brother, Hank.”
“Okay,” I said. “It is me. But I still made a snake appear, didn’t I? And how cool is that! Happy birthday, sis.”
“You call that a snake?” Emily cried. “I call that a thing that you got on sale at the ninety-nine-cent store.”
All the kids were howling with laughter now, but not Emily. She looked like she was going to cry.
“Hey, Emily,” Eugie called out. “You promised us a real snake, not some stupid rubber thing.”
Emily stood up and started to run to her bedroom. My mom caught her halfway.
“Well, we still have delicious cake, everyone,” she said, trying extra hard to be cheerful. “Emily, come on. Let’s light the candles.”
She put her arm around Emily and gently led her back to the dining-room table, where the cake was waiting. It was shaped like a snake, and when Emily saw it, she almost burst into tears again.
“I wish that was real,” she said. “I’d have it eat Hank.”
Just then, the doorbell rang. My dad made his way across the living room to answer it while Papa Pete helped my mom light the candles.
“Before you blow out the candles, make a wish, sweetie,” she said.
“I wish Ginger the snake was here,” Emily said.
“She is,” a voice rang out. Everyone’s head spun around at the same time and we saw Ralph being led into the dining room by my dad. Ginger was wrapped around his arm, and Boris the skink was happily riding on his shoulder.
Everyone in the room let out a gasp, the loudest one coming from my sister, Emily.
Fake Snakes and Weird Wizards #4 Page 3
