“Nuts,” said Caswell, and pulled off the headband.
* * * *
The silence was wonderful. Caswell stood up, yawned, stretched and massaged the back of his neck. He stood in front of the humming black machine and gave it a long leer.
“You couldn’t cure me of a common cold,” he told it.
Stiffly he walked the length of the living room and returned to the Regenerator.
“Lousy fake!” he shouted.
Caswell went into the kitchen and opened a bottle of beer. His revolver was still on the table, gleaming dully.
Magnessen! You unspeakable treacherous filth! You fiend incarnate! You inhuman, hideous monster! Someone must destroy you, Magnessen! Someone.…
Someone? He himself would have to do it. Only he knew the bottomless depths of Magnessen’s depravity, his viciousness, his disgusting lust for power.
Yes, it was his duty, Caswell thought. But strangely, the knowledge brought him no pleasure.
After all, Magnessen was his friend.
He stood up, ready for action. He tucked the revolver into his right-hand coat pocket and glanced at the kitchen clock. Nearly six-thirty. Magnessen would be home now, gulping his dinner, grinning over his plans.
This was the perfect time to take him.
Caswell strode to the door, opened it, started through, and stopped.
A thought had crossed his mind, a thought so tremendously involved, so meaningful, so far-reaching in its implications that he was stirred to his depths. Caswell tried desperately to shake off the knowledge it brought. But the thought, permanently etched upon his memory, would not depart.
Under the circumstances, he could do only one thing.
He returned to the living room, sat down on the couch and slipped on the headband.
The Regenerator said, “Yes?”
“It’s the damnedest thing,” Caswell said, “but do you know, I think I do remember my goricae!”
* * * *
John Rath contacted the New York Rapid Transit Corporation by televideo and was put into immediate contact with Mr. Bemis, a plump, tanned man with watchful eyes.
“Alcoholism?” Mr. Bemis repeated, after the problem was explained. Unobtrusively, he turned on his tape recorder. “Among our employees?” Pressing a button beneath his foot, Bemis alerted Transit Security, Publicity, Intercompany Relations, and the Psychoanalysis Division. This done, he looked earnestly at Rath. “Not a chance of it, my dear sir. Just between us, why does General Motors really want to know?”
Rath smiled bitterly. He should have anticipated this. NYRT and GM had had their differences in the past. Officially, there was cooperation between the two giant corporations. But for all practical purposes—
“The question is in terms of the Public Interest,” Rath said.
“Oh, certainly,” Mr. Bemis replied, with a subtle smile. Glancing at his tattle board, he noticed that several company executives had tapped in on his line. This might mean a promotion, if handled properly.
“The Public Interest of GM,” Mr. Bemis added with polite nastiness. “The insinuation is, I suppose, that drunken conductors are operating our jetbuses and helis?”
“Of course not. I was searching for a single alcoholic predilection, an individual latency—”
“There’s no possibility of it. We at Rapid Transit do not hire people with even the merest tendency in that direction. And may I suggest, sir, that you clean your own house before making implications about others?”
And with that, Mr. Bemis broke the connection.
No one was going to put anything over on him.
“Dead end,” Rath said heavily. He turned and shouted, “Smith! Did you find any prints?”
Lieutenant Smith, his coat off and sleeves rolled up, bounded over. “Nothing usable, sir.”
Rath’s thin lips tightened. It had been close to seven hours since the customer had taken the Martian machine. There was no telling what harm had been done by now. The customer would be justified in bringing suit against the Company. Not that the money mattered much; it was the bad publicity that was to be avoided at all costs.
“Beg pardon, sir,” Haskins said.
Rath ignored him. What next? Rapid Transit was not going to cooperate. Would the Armed Services make their records available for scansion by somatotype and pigmentation?
“Sir,” Haskins said again.
“What is it?”
“I just remembered the customer’s friend’s name. It was Magnessen.”
“Are you sure of that?”
“Absolutely,” Haskins said, with the first confidence he had shown in hours. “I’ve taken the liberty of looking him up in the telephone book, sir. There’s only one Manhattan listing under that name.”
Rath glowered at him from under shaggy eyebrows. “Haskins, I hope you are not wrong about this. I sincerely hope that.”
“I do too, sir,” Haskins admitted, feeling his knees begin to shake.
“Because if you are,” Rath said, “I will… Never mind. Let’s go!”
* * * *
By police escort, they arrived at the address in fifteen minutes. It was an ancient brownstone and Magnessen’s name was on a second-floor door. They knocked.
The door opened and a stocky, crop-headed, shirt-sleeved man in his thirties stood before them. He turned slightly pale at the sight of so many uniforms, but held his ground.
“What is this?” he demanded.
“You Magnessen?” Lieutenant Smith barked.
“Yeah. What’s the beef? If it’s about my hi-fi playing too loud, I can tell you that old hag downstairs—”
“May we come in?” Rath asked. “It’s important.”
Magnessen seemed about to refuse, so Rath pushed past him, followed by Smith, Follansby, Haskins, and a small army of policemen. Magnessen turned to face them, bewildered, defiant and more than a little awed.
“Mr. Magnessen,” Rath said, in the pleasantest voice he could muster, “I hope you’ll forgive the intrusion. Let me assure you, it is in the Public Interest, as well as your own. Do you know a short, angry-looking, red-haired, red-eyed man?”
“Yes,” Magnessen said slowly and warily.
Haskins let out a sigh of relief.
“Would you tell us his name and address?” asked Rath.
“I suppose you mean—hold it! What’s he done?”
“Nothing.”
“Then what you want him for?”
“There’s no time for explanations,” Rath said. “Believe me, it’s in his own best interest, too. What is his name?”
Magnessen studied Rath’s ugly, honest face, trying to make up his mind.
Lieutenant Smith said, “Come on, talk, Magnessen, if you know what’s good for you. We want the name and we want it quick.”
It was the wrong approach. Magnessen lighted a cigarette, blew smoke in Smith’s direction and inquired, “You got a warrant, buddy?”
“You bet I have,” Smith said, striding forward. “I’ll warrant you, wise guy.”
“Stop it!” Rath ordered. “Lieutenant Smith, thank you for your assistance. I won’t need you any longer.”
Smith left sulkily, taking his platoon with him.
Rath said, “I apologize for Smith’s over-eagerness. You had better hear the problem.” Briefly but fully, he told the story of the customer and the Martian therapeutic machine.
When he was finished, Magnessen looked more suspicious than ever. “You say he wants to kill me?”
“Definitely.”
“That’s a lie! I don’t know what your game is, mister, but you’ll never make me believe that. Elwood’s my best friend. We been best friends since we was kids. We been in service together. Elwood would cut off his arm for me. And I’d do the same for him.”
“Yes, yes,” Rath said impatiently, “in a sane frame of mind, he would. But your friend Elwood—is that his first name or last?”
“First,” Magnessen said tauntingly.
“Your
friend Elwood is psychotic.”
“You don’t know him. That guy loves me like a brother. Look, what’s Elwood really done? Defaulted on some payments or something? I can help out.”
“You thickheaded imbecile!” Rath shouted. “I’m trying to save your life, and the life and sanity of your friend!”
“But how do I know?” Magnessen pleaded. “You guys come busting in here—”
“You can trust me,” Rath said.
Magnessen studied Rath’s face and nodded sourly. “His name’s Elwood Caswell. He lives just down the block at number 341.”
* * * *
The man who came to the door was short, with red hair and red-rimmed eyes. His right hand was thrust into his coat pocket. He seemed very calm.
“Are you Elwood Caswell?” Rath asked. “The Elwood Caswell who bought a Regenerator early this afternoon at the Home Therapy Appliances Store?”
“Yes,” said Caswell. “Won’t you come in?”
Inside Caswell’s small living room, they saw the Regenerator, glistening black and chrome, standing near the couch. It was unplugged.
“Have you used it?” Rath asked anxiously.
“Yes.”
Follansby stepped forward. “Mr. Caswell, I don’t know how to explain this, but we made a terrible mistake. The Regenerator you took was a Martian model—for giving therapy to Martians.”
“I know,” said Caswell.
“You do?”
“Of course. It became pretty obvious after a while.”
“It was a dangerous situation,” Rath said. “Especially for a man with your—ah—troubles.” He studied Caswell covertly. The man seemed fine, but appearances were frequently deceiving, especially with psychotics. Caswell had been homicidal; there was no reason why he should not still be.
And Rath began to wish he had not dismissed Smith and his policemen so summarily. Sometimes an armed squad was a comforting thing to have around.
Caswell walked across the room to the therapeutic machine. One hand was still in his jacket pocket; the other he laid affectionately upon the Regenerator.
“The poor thing tried its best,” he said. “Of course, it couldn’t cure what wasn’t there.” He laughed. “But it came very near succeeding!”
* * * *
Rath studied Caswell’s face and said, in a trained, casual tone, “Glad there was no harm, sir. The Company will, of course, reimburse you for your lost time and for your mental anguish—”
“Naturally,” Caswell said.
“—and we will substitute a proper Terran Regenerator at once.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“It won’t?”
“No.” Caswell’s voice was decisive. “The machine’s attempt at therapy forced me into a compete self-appraisal. There was a moment of absolute insight, during which I was able to evaluate and discard my homicidal intentions toward poor Magnessen.”
Rath nodded dubiously. “You feel no such urge now?”
“Not in the slightest.”
Rath frowned deeply, started to say something, and stopped. He turned to Follansby and Haskins. “Get that machine out of here. I’ll have a few things to say to you at the store.”
The manager and the clerk lifted the Regenerator and left.
Rath took a deep breath. “Mr. Caswell, I would strongly advise that you accept a new Regenerator from the Company, gratis. Unless a cure is effected in a proper mechanotherapeutic manner, there is always the danger of a setback.”
“No danger with me,” Caswell said, airily but with deep conviction. “Thank you for your consideration, sir. And good night.”
Rath shrugged and walked to the door.
“Wait!” Caswell called.
Rath turned. Caswell had taken his hand out of his pocket. In it was a revolver. Rath felt sweat trickle down his arms. He calculated the distance between himself and Caswell. Too far.
“Here,” Caswell said, extending the revolver butt-first. “I won’t need this any longer.”
Rath managed to keep his face expressionless as he accepted the revolver and stuck it into a shapeless pocket.
“Good night,” Caswell said. He closed the door behind Rath and bolted it.
At last he was alone.
Caswell walked into the kitchen. He opened a bottle of beer, took a deep swallow and sat down at the kitchen table. He stared fixedly at a point just above and to the left of the clock.
He had to form his plans now. There was no time to lose.
Magnessen! That inhuman monster who cut down the Caswell goricae! Magnessen! The man who, even now, was secretly planning to infect New York with the abhorrent feem desire! Oh, Magnessen, I wish you a long, long life, filled with the torture I can inflict on you. And to start with.…
Caswell smiled to himself as he planned exactly how he would dwark Magnessen in a vlendish manner.
DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“Come right in, gentlemen,” the Ambassador waved them into the very special suite the State Department had given him. “Please be seated.”
Colonel Cercy accepted a chair, trying to size up the individual who had all Washington chewing its fingernails. The Ambassador hardly looked like a menace. He was of medium height and slight build, dressed in a conservative brown tweed suit that the State Department had given him. His face was intelligent, finely molded and aloof.
As human as a human, Cercy thought, studying the alien with bleak, impersonal eyes.
“How may I serve you?” the Ambassador asked, smiling.
“The President has put me in charge of your case,” Cercy said. “I’ve studied Professor Darrig’s reports—” he nodded at the scientist beside him—“but I’d like to hear the whole thing for myself.”
“Of course,” the alien said, lighting a cigarette. He seemed genuinely pleased to be asked; which was interesting, Cercy thought. In the week since he had landed, every important scientist in the country had been at him.
But in a pinch they call the Army, Cercy reminded himself. He settled back in his chair, both hands jammed carelessly in his pockets. His right hand was resting on the butt of a .45, the safety off.
“I have come,” the alien said, “as an ambassador-at-large, representing an empire that stretches half-way across the Galaxy. I wish to extend the welcome of my people and to invite you to join our organization.”
“I see,” Cercy replied. “Some of the scientists got the impression that participation was compulsory.”
“You will join,” the Ambassador said, blowing smoke through his nostrils.
Cercy could see Darrig stiffen in his chair and bite his lip. Cercy moved the automatic to a position where he could draw it easily. “How did you find us?” he asked.
“We ambassadors-at-large are each assigned an unexplored section of space,” the alien said. “We examine each star-system in that region for planets, and each planet for intelligent life. Intelligent life is rare in the Galaxy, you know.”
Cercy nodded, although he hadn’t been aware of the fact.
“When we find such a planet, we land, as I did, and prepare the inhabitants for their part in our organization.”
“How will your people know that you have found intelligent life?” Cercy asked.
“There is a sending mechanism that is part of our structure,” the Ambassador answered. “It is triggered when we reach an inhabited planet. This signal is beamed continually into space, to an effective range of several thousand light-years. Follow-up crews are continually sweeping through the limits of the reception area of each Ambassador, listening for such messages. Detecting one, a colonizing team follows it to the planet.”
He tapped his cigarette delicately on the edge of an ash tray. “This method has definite advantages over sending combined colonization and exploration teams obviously. It avoids the necessity of equipping large forces for what may be decades of searching.”
“Sure.” Cercy’s face was expressionless. “Would you tell me more about this mes
sage?”
“There isn’t much more you need know. The beam is not detectable by your methods and, therefore, cannot be jammed. The message continues as long as I am alive.”
Darrig drew in his breath sharply, glancing at Cercy.
“If you stopped broadcasting,” Cercy said casually, “our planet would never be found.”
“Not until this section of space was resurveyed,” the diplomat agreed.
“Very well. As a duly appointed representative of the President of the United States, I ask you to stop transmitting. We don’t choose to become part of your empire.”
“I’m sorry,” the Ambassador said. He shrugged his shoulders easily. Cercy wondered how many times he had played this scene on how many other planets.
“There’s really nothing I can do.” He stood up.
“Then you won’t stop?”
“I can’t. I have no control over the sending, once it’s activated.” The diplomat turned and walked to the window. “However, I have prepared a philosophy for you. It is my duty, as your Ambassador, to ease the shock of transition as much as possible. This philosophy will make it instantly apparent that—”
As the Ambassador reached the window, Cercy’s gun was out of his pocket and roaring. He squeezed six rounds in almost a single explosion, aiming at the Ambassador’s head and back. Then an uncontrollable shudder ran through him.
The Ambassador was no longer there!
Cercy and Darrig stared at each other. Darrig muttered something about ghosts. Then, just as suddenly, the Ambassador was back.
“You didn’t think,” he said, “that it would be as easy as all that, did you? We Ambassadors have, necessarily, a certain diplomatic immunity.” He fingered one of the bullet holes in the wall. “In case you don’t understand, let me put it this way. It is not in your power to kill me. You couldn’t even understand the nature of my defense.”
He looked at them, and in that moment Cercy felt the Ambassador’s complete alienness.
“Good day, gentlemen,” he said.
* * * *
Darrig and Cercy walked silently back to the control room. Neither had really expected that the Ambassador would be killed so easily, but it had still been a shock when the slugs had failed.
The Robert Sheckley Megapack Page 22
