by Kirk Scroggs
“VATCH YOUR STEP!” Dracula warned. “My piranha love the taste of small children.”
“I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR SWIM SUITS!” Drac said as we passed a rather uninviting swimming pool.
“No thanks, Drac,” said Grampa, politely, “I always wait one hour after eating a tarantula burger before swimming or belly dancing!”
Drac's lair was most impressive. He had his own haunted library … a well-stocked, rat-infested wine cellar …
and even a plasma TV!
Past Drac's entertainment center and hanging above his hot tub was a strangely familiar portrait.
“LOOK, GRAMPA!” I shouted. “That picture looks just like Gramma!”
“Aaaah, yes,” Drac said. “She vas my beautiful bride. She is no longer vith us. Dead for over vone hundred years! I'd rather not speak of her right now.”
Drac got a little mushy and, I must admit, I got a little choked up myself. Tears were shed. Noses were blown. It was pretty disgusting.
All of a sudden, the lights went out!
“Grampa,” I whined, “I DON'T LIKE THIS!”
“Don't worry, Wiley,” replied Grampa. “There's gotta be a reasonable explanation for the power outage. Could be the storm, maybe Drac didn't pay his electric bill, or maybe a thousand angry rats have gnawed through the wiring and are heading toward us right now. It could be anything.”
It was then that the lights came on again and Dracula was right behind us with the Mudsucker!
“BOY!” said Grampa. “This night is putting my pacemaker to the test!”
“Please,” said Drac, “come closer and inspect my greatest invention! Don't be frightened. She von't bite!”
“She's a beauty, Drac! Let's pop the hood and see what this sucker's made of,” Grampa said as he climbed onto the truck and peered into the engine. “Hey, Drac! Where is the carburetor in this baby?”
“It's underneath the tongue,” Dracula said.
“OH YEAH!” Grampa replied. “There it is.”
CHAPTER 11
Looking for Trouble
While Grampa drooled all over Drac's truck, I decided to do what all smart kids do in scary stories - go exploring by myself in the dark.
Drac's lair was bigger than I had ever imagined. I saw enormous parlors, ballrooms, and spooky crypts.
He even had escalators, pay phones, and fast-food joints. This place was impressive! In fact, I wasn't scared at all …
until, of course, I found Drac's collection of petrified skulls.
Then, to make matters worse, I backed right into Drac's assortment of non-friendly reptiles!
I quickly decided it was time to get back to the truck and find Grampa!
That's when I noticed that the Mudsucker was being refueled, but not with gasoline. It was being filled with, with … well, let's just say it's red and gushy and rhymes with FLOOD!
CHAPTER 12
Time to Go!
“OH MY, LOOK AT THE TIME!” I said, pushing Grampa toward the door. “We gotta be going!”
“Wiley,” Grampa said angrily, “Drac was just about to show me his collection of ancient torture devices!”
“Trust me, Grampa,” I said as we moved into the hallway, “we need to get as far away from this place as possible.”
“Adios, Drac!” shouted Grampa. “We'll see you at the tractor pull next Thursday!”
As we made our way down the main halt, we heard a strange sound behind us. We stopped and turned to find the Mudsucker speeding toward us!
“Your Gramma never lets me drive the Buick in the house like that,” complained Grampa.
“RUN!” I screamed.
And we ran … through the corridors of the colosseum,past the tarantula burger stand, over Lit' Buckaroo …
We ran all the way to the exit, where we found …
AAAAAH!
To our horror, there at the door was Gramma, and boy was she mad! Her anger meter was in the red, and we are talking redder than a sunburned lobster on a barn door!
“Well, Wiley, we made our beds and now we have to lie in 'em,” said Grampa. “It's either the monster truck barreling toward us or the fiery anger of your Gramma. I'm seriously considering sticking with the truck.”
But Grampa came to his senses and we quickly got into Gramma's car.
“HURRY, GRAMMA!” I pieaded.
“DON'T YOU HURRY ME!” she snapped back. “I'll teach you to lie to your …”
CHAPTER 13
Never Lie to your Gramma!
Gramma's saucy tirade was cut short by the blinding headlights of the Mudsucker.
Dracula was right behind us!
“STEP ON IT, GRANNY!” yelled Grampa.
“CONSIDER IT STEPPED ON!” shrieked Gramma.
“MEOW!” meowed Merle.
Gramma took off and hit warp speed in 6.5 seconds!
“WILEY!” Grampa yelped. “It's been nice knowing you! I only wish we could have lived to see that mayonnaise movie!”
CHAPTER 14
It's a Twister! It's a Twister!
Gramma sped through the hills like a madwoman.
And wouldn't you know it? Right in front of us, blocking the road, was an F5 tornado! Blue Norther was right!
“Hold on to your drawers!” Gramma yelled. Then she did something that's ill-advised (unless you're being chased by a vampire truck) – she signaled and passed the twister on the left. It worked, too! We lost the Mudsucker! I gave Gramma and Merle the high five and Grampa …
Grampa was napping.
CHAPTER 15
Home Sweet … Uh-Oh!
At long last, we made it home. I shook Grampa awake.
“Eeeeyaaaa,” he groggily yawned. “What'd I miss?”
“Just me saving your scrawny rear end from an F5 tornado,” Gramma replied.
“Guess I napped through another one,” he said as we pulled into the driveway to find …
AAAAAH!
Okay, now you should be scared. Dracula was waiting for us in the driveway with the Mudsucker at his side!
Grampa bravely jumped out and confronted Dracula.
“ALL RIGHT, DRAC!” Grampa challenged. “What do you want with my beloved family … and Gramma?”
Drac, sensing danger, assumed the famous Trembling One-Footed Bat stance!
Grampa, ready for the mother of all showdowns, struck his Crouching Cobra stance.
Gramma stuck to the more traditional Rumbling Shifty-Foot technique …
and Merle coughed up a mean hair ball!
I had to do something, so I valiantly jumped in.
“I know what you're up to, Drac! I saw how you looked at that photo of Gramma in Grampa's wallet, and I also got a good look at that portrait in your lair, which looks just like Gramma. Not to mention that you've been pumping that vampire truck with some pretty disgusting bodily fluids! It all points to one obvious conclusion!”
“It can't be too obvious,” Grampa complained. “I'm terribly confused.”
CHAPTER 16
Wiley's Theory
So I unveiled my theory: “Drac is after Gramma! She looks just like his long-dead wife. He wants to make Gramma his new vampire bride for all eternity!”
“OH MY!” said Gramma.
CHAPTER 17
Wiley's Theory Debunked
Dracula laughed, “No, no, no, my dear silly boy! Your Gramma is a lovely voman and she does resemble my dear dead vife, but it vas the CAR that I vas admiring in the photograph! I vant that 1956 Buick! I used to have vone just like it back in the day. Ahhhh, those vere the good old days. Riding around town, drinking black cherry soda vith my baby.”
I must admit I felt a little bit foolish, but I was also extremely relieved.
Drac got a little teary eyed, and Grampa gave him a hug.
Even Merle and the Mudsucker made friends. Everyone was happy. …
Except Gramma. She was a little disappointed.
CHAPTER 18
The Shady Transaction
Gramp
a happily sold Drac the Buick and even threw in a bag of Pork Cracklins.
“Drac, I gotta be honest,” said Grampa, “this car breaks down about every other week and the weeks in between.”
“It matters not,” said Dracula. “I shall give it a complete tune-up and lube job, and then I vill replace the engine vith the heart of a Siberian volf hound!”
“Hey, whatever works,” said Grampa.
Drac got so overjoyed with his new car that …
He turned into a bat!
“You people are so kind,” Drac said, “and to think I vas considering draining the blood from your necks and feeding it to my truck.”
“OH, YOU CHARMER!” Gramma said, blushing.
“COME, MUDSUCKER!” summoned Dracula. “You must return me to the colosseum before dawn!”
And they took off into the night.
“WHEW!” Grampa exclaimed. “Thank goodness! Storm's over! Sold the car! No harm done. …”
CHAPTER 19
The Wrath of Gramma
A strange silence fell over us. Gramma was angry. In fact, Gramma's anger meter had moved from red to a new color never before seen by human eyes!
“What kind of grampa,” she started, “drags his grandson through the woods in the middle of a tornado to see a truck show run by bloodsucking vampires?”
“But Gramma,” I argued, “what kind of grampa would be COOL enough to drag his grandson through the woods in the middle of a tornado to see a truck show run by bloodsucking vampires?”
“The boy's gotta good point,” said Grampa.
So that's my story, folks! As you can see, despite our night of unrelenting terror, everything turned out okay!
Grampa and I got home in time to see the explosive finale of Mayonnaise: The Motion Picture.
Gramma needed a new car, so Drac gave us a good price on the Invisible Van.
And Drac even joined Grampa and his buddies for Friday night poker. (Grampa's poker tip #235: Always let the vampire win!)
And as for the Mudsucker …
Let's just say, thanks to a deal I worked out with Drac, I had the coolest show-and-tell ever!
CRACKPOT SNAPSHOT
Gramma needs your super sleuthing skills to point out the differences between these two photos before she puts 'em in her wallet and shows them to her friends at the beauty parlor!
The answers are on the next page. No cheating!
KIRK SCROGGS is originally from Austin, Texas–not too far from Gingham County. He moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dream of drawing monsters. He loves vampires, werewolves, truck shows, and chili con queso.
