by Sara Alva
“Why…why’d you send Seb away so fast?” I asked, fighting to keep my voice from trembling. “Won’t we all be going to the same place? Why couldn’t we all just go together?”
In my peripheral vision, I saw that Brandon and Laloni were near me now. Laloni was trying to hold Brandon’s hand, but he shoved both of them in his pockets.
“It was Seb,” Brandon said before Suzie could answer me.
I turned toward him. “What?”
“It was Seb. He started the fire.”
It took me about two seconds to really process what he was saying…and then another two seconds for the meaning to burn through my system and build up a rage that demanded immediate release.
I sprang at him and took him down in the first move. With my grip on his shirt, I slammed his back into the soot-covered asphalt where we’d landed. “You fucking liar! You take that back!”
Shrieks surrounded me—onlookers and Laloni, probably, but I didn’t let up. I lifted his chest a few inches off the ground and slammed him down again.
“What the fuck is your problem?” he choked out. He recovered from the initial stun and twisted his hands into the fabric of my shirt to try to throw me off. “You’re fucking crazy!”
We rolled once but I came out on top, grinding my knee into his ribs to keep him down. I could feel he was trying to get a leg under me to kick me off, so I jerked to the side and shook his head against the asphalt once more in the hopes of disorienting him.
It worked, because he tried to shoot out to the left where I easily stopped him by connecting my other knee with his face.
“Alex, please stop!” Suzie shouted—the loudest I’d ever heard her voice. She grabbed one of my elbows, and Laloni grabbed the other. “Please, this isn’t going to help anyone!”
“But he’s lying.” I shook Brandon one more time and then let them pull me off. “Seb’s afraid of fire! He wouldn’t do this!”
“He’s retarded!” Brandon jumped up immediately, body tightened in a fighting stance. “How the fuck would you know what he would and wouldn’t do? I saw him!”
Laloni ran to Brandon and threw her arms around him. She rubbed his chest soothingly and shot me a look like I was pure scum. “What the hell, Alex!”
I tried to match her anger, but found all the fury had escaped during the course of our fight. I was left with only broken, pathetic dreams, crumbling further with each agonizing second. “I don’t think he…I mean, I’m not sure he’s really…”
Brandon wiped a bit of spittle and blood from his lip with the back of his arm. He looked at the red streak it left behind and then fixed me with a glare. “It was probably your fucking lighter he did it with.”
“You fucking asshole!” I lurched forward again, reignited, only to find my head trapped in Suzie’s hands. She squeezed my cheeks slightly and leaned in so we were nose-to-nose.
When was the last time anyone had had the balls to cup my face like that? I couldn’t remember. Mimi, maybe, when I was really little.
“Alex, you need to stop this right now. Even if Seb started the fire, we all know it was an accident.”
I stared into her worried eyes. She was trying to be firm, but the little twitches of her gray irises told me she was unsure. I could’ve easily hurt her if I’d wanted to.
I didn’t. I just needed to know what was going to happen to Seb. “But…but where did you send him off to? Is he gonna go to Juvee?”
She dropped her hands to my shoulders and each of her fingertips pressed against my shirt. No long nails like my mother, just stubby white fingers desperately trying to keep me from spiraling out of control again.
“Of course not. But Seb has special needs, and it’s not easy to find a placement for him. I thought with all the commotion here, it’d be best for him to go somewhere safe right away.”
“Where’s safe?”
“He’s going to a group facility. He’ll be fine there, I promise.”
Facility. Not a house or a home, but a facility. The word instantly brought to mind images of white walls and locked doors.
“What about the rest of us? Are…are we going there, too?”
“We’re working on finding placements right now. Hopefully I’ll hear within the hour.”
A sudden absence of sound was followed by a shift in the mass of people around us, and I realized the hoses had stopped. Now that both the fire and the fight were over, the onlookers were drifting away. No more spectacles, just the fucked-up lives left behind. Not nearly as entertaining.
Suzie kept an arm on my shoulder as she walked me toward Ms. Loretta. I was only slightly aware that her thumb was making small circles against my back, probably in an attempt to calm me down. And strangely enough, I did feel calm…but it was an eerie calm. Something closer to giving up.
Ms. Loretta still held her sister tightly. Giant tears continued to travel down her cheeks, creating rivers that fell into the deep crease of her cleavage and eventually soaked into the front of her orange blouse.
Life liked to fuck her over, too, it seemed. The appropriate thing would’ve been for me to say something to console her, but I couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t sound empty and false. Sorry just didn’t cut it. Sorry for your loss sounded too much like someone had died, and I doubted she’d want to be reminded of that feeling. And sorry your home of many years just went up in a cloud of smoke was probably a bit too graphic.
Better just to keep my mouth shut. Besides, even though I knew in my gut Seb hadn’t started the fire, if my lighter had been used, it meant I could be the most guilty party. Maybe I didn’t even have the right to say anything.
We watched the fire department load their hoses on their trucks, and I saw Suzie signal Laloni to keep Brandon back while she acted as a human barrier.
She really didn’t need to bother. I was through with Brandon, and through with this entire life, it seemed.
Her phone rang and she answered, but I didn’t listen to any of the conversation. Eventually she hung up and hunkered down near my ear to whisper, like she was trying to keep from waking a sleeping lion. “I’m going to go get the car. Would you like to come with me, or can I trust you to wait here?”
“I’ll wait,” I murmured, staring straight ahead, barely noticing when she left.
I didn’t feel like moving, and neither did anyone else, apparently. We were all just…frozen. It wasn’t safe to go inside the house, so each of us stood still, locked in our various poses of confusion and pain. I blinked and shifted my eyes each time, capturing the scene in mental snapshots with the sense this might be one of the last times I saw any of them again.
Ms. Loretta lifted her head, her face blank as the tears finally stopped flowing. Ms. Cecily had also turned to look up, though she hadn’t stopped crying or clutching her sister for comfort. Ryan was now holding Andrew, and both boys were studying the house with desperate eyes, probably hoping there was some chance they could return to the protective structure. Dwayne was standing by a fire truck, his arms across his chest, his head bobbing up and down slowly like he was just accepting what had occurred.
I couldn’t say any of them were like family…but they were…something to me.
Movement returned when Suzie pulled her beige Corolla in front of the ruined house and Ryan burst into tears.
“I don’t wanna go!”
Ms. Cecily went to comfort him, finally dislodging herself from her sister. “When we get a new house you can come right back and stay with us, we promise.”
I wondered where they were going to go…and whether they could have taken us with them, even if they’d wanted to.
Suzie got out and opened the passenger door. She put an arm around my shoulder and steered me toward it. “We’re going to get going now.”
“Now?” Laloni whirled around and clung to Brandon. I’d forgotten she was even there. “But…”
Brandon pulled free and opened the back door to the car. “I’ll call you later,” he mumbled before
slipping inside. Ryan and Andrew followed, but Dwayne remained by Ms. Loretta’s side. Maybe he’d been chosen to stay; he’d been with them the longest, after all.
And how insane was it that I thought he was lucky? Lucky because the shit you know is always less frightening than the shit you’ve yet to experience. Not that life had been all shit with Ms. Loretta. There were those good meals, after all. Her chicken wasn’t bad, and even the vegetables had a decent flavor. Of course, the meatloaf really was the best. My mom had never baked meatloaf. It wasn’t really a dish of our people. I wasn’t sure how it was even made, but somehow Ms. Loretta’s turned out perfect every time.
I had only a passing notion that my thoughts were going off on strange tracks, as if my overwhelmed mind could no longer focus on anything of importance. There was no more anger, no sadness, no worry about the future, even. Just meatloaf.
Forcefully pushing aside the desire for one last bite of the dish, I sat in the front seat of the Corolla and mechanically buckled my seatbelt, then glanced in the rearview mirror to see the others do the same.
Ryan’s tear-streaked little face should have made me feel some kind of emotion, but it didn’t. Neither did Brandon’s hardened one. But when my eyes drifted to Andrew, I caught a glimpse of something I instantly recognized.
His hands were clenched together, his eyes glued to the floor, brows wrinkled like he was in agony. And he probably was. Guilt could do that to a person. I looked back at Brandon and saw him shift his gaze to Andrew knowingly.
Of course. He was covering for the kid, like any good big brother would. Why not blame it on Seb? Seb was special, so no one could really be angry with him. He was the perfect fall guy.
That was the last clear thought I had before fixing my eyes on the little pine tree air freshener dangling from the mirror. I didn’t trumpet the news when Suzie got back in and we started to drive off. What would’ve been the point? Seb was gone. The house was gone. My new life was gone.
Game over.
~*~
After dropping Andrew, Ryan, and Brandon off at an office building I assumed was filled with more stuffy white people in drab suits, we left for my new placement.
I didn’t speak at all while we drove. Suzie talked a lot, her voice a drone that coated my already-sluggish mind with another blanket of numbness. I heard her say she was sorry, as usual, then speak a little about some lady named Eleanor, some man named Greg and their son who’d just graduated college. Then the words grief counselor passed through her lips a few times before it was back to I’m so sorry again.
I looked out the window, but I wasn’t really looking. It was just a way to keep from seeing the pity in Suzie’s eyes. I’d hated it when we’d first met, and now it was ten times worse because a part of me actually felt like I should be pitied—and that was a dangerous emotion to give in to. So I stared at the scenery, comfortably feeling next to nothing as we left the industrial buildings of Mid City and passed into the neatly tree-lined streets of West LA.
And I didn’t feel anything as the flat roads with trendy businesses became rolling hills with fancy houses, or as we drove by the large ornate sign that read Bel Air. I didn’t even bat an eyelash when Suzie pulled up in front of a white gate and rolled down her window to press a button on an intercom box.
“It’s Suzie Gardell from DCFS here with Alex.”
Suzie Gardell. I hadn’t even known she had a last name.
The gate opened, revealing a long cul-de-sac driveway. She drove down and parked a few feet away from a house big enough to be a fucking mansion, then turned off the engine and moved to face me.
“Alex, I know this is…I know this is hard. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this…”
One of my last shreds of attention drifted off at yet another sorry.
“It’s understandable that you’re upset, but please don’t take it out on Mr. and Mrs. Richards. They’re very nice people and they’re here to help you. I just ask that you try to be respectful.”
I didn’t respond.
The front door of the house opened and a thin redhead came out, followed by a taller gray-haired man. The guy put his hand on his wife’s shoulder, and the two of them stood in front of their mansion like the poster couple for the American Dream.
“Let’s go meet them, okay?” Suzie said.
I got out of the car robotically, reaching back to grab my school bag. Just like the last time. A bitter smile crossed my lips. That backpack was all I had left in the entire world.
“Alex, I’m Eleanor.” The redhead stepped forward. I was surprised to see she was several inches shorter than me, dressed like a teenager in tight jean capris and a black tank top, though she was probably in her fifties. “I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your home.”
I remained silent. It might not have been polite, but I had a feeling Suzie’s real fear was that I’d suddenly wrestle someone to the ground and start throwing punches.
Eleanor looked troubled by my lack of response, but Suzie nodded for her to continue.
“Well, this is my husband, Greg…”
The man stepped forward and offered me his hand. I’d never been into older guys, but I could tell he’d been hot when he was younger, with his strong jaw line and defined cheekbones. She probably had been, too. They were Mr. and Mrs. Perfect.
I didn’t shake his hand.
After a few seconds of awkwardness, he tucked his arm back by his side.
“Alex has had a long day,” Suzie said apologetically.
“Of course he has!” Eleanor exclaimed, though she didn’t really raise her voice all that much. She was soft-spoken, like Suzie. “You must be tired, and hungry. Tell me, what would you like for dinner? We can get anything you like. Magda can make it, or we could order out…”
Meatloaf popped into my head, but I squashed the thought and let silence follow while Eleanor’s eyes filled with more and more despair.
Eventually I turned to Suzie. She’d asked me to be respectful, and the truth was, I had no energy to fight. But I had no energy for anything else, either.
“I can’t do this right now,” I murmured to her.
She nodded immediately. “How about we let Alex settle into his room?”
“Right, yes, that’s a good idea.” Eleanor plastered on a nervous smile. “We have the room all set up…I do apologize, though, we were expecting someone…younger, so I decorated with a few of my son Dylan’s old things. But if you don’t like them you can always take them down.”
She kept yammering about Dylan and law school as she led us inside. I noticed her husband peeling off immediately and making his way toward a spacious living room. It was open to the rest of the house, all clean and white, with some huge artsy photograph of train tracks hanging on the wall. A chandelier dangled from an enormously high ceiling.
This place was the total opposite of Ms. Loretta’s…and in all that light, airy space, I felt completely lost.
I decided to focus on the floor, counting the steps it took to climb the spiral staircase. It wasn’t until we reached the end of the hallway that I finally raised my eyes from the cream-colored carpet.
“This will be your room right here.” Eleanor gestured, her freckles dark against her pale, anxious face.
I scanned the scene quickly. Baseball posters hung above large pieces of hardwood furniture, and in the center of the room was a queen-size bed covered by a blue Dodgers comforter. A teddy bear wearing a cap and holding a bat sat on the nightstand.
This was supposed to be my room? Craning my head, I caught a glimpse of a toy box in the corner. I had a feeling it was fully stocked.
“Is it all right?” Eleanor asked, hands twisting restlessly.
I just blinked. I had no more words. Was this how Seb felt when people spoke to him?
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Suzie answered for me, then put an arm on Eleanor’s shoulder and started guiding her out of the room.
I listened to the soft clip-c
lop of Suzie’s low heels and the clacking of Eleanor’s flats as they descended the stairs. For about thirty seconds, I was immensely relieved to have them gone…until I discovered some of the numbness fading.
One huge room in a mansion, all to myself. It was like winning the fucking jackpot. And yet for some reason, I had the strangest childish urge to crawl into a corner—or maybe behind that large armoire—and pull my legs up to my chest to keep the bad feelings from getting in.
What the fuck was I doing here? Ten hours ago I’d woken up in a room full of boys, dreaming of one in particular. I’d been on the verge of a kind of happiness I’d never felt before.
Now, I was alone. I wouldn’t hear Brandon and Dwayne thumping the basketball out in the backyard. I wouldn’t catch Andrew and Ryan scrambling through the house.
And I wouldn’t see Seb’s amazing almond eyes peering at me from the bunk next to mine.
Before I actually did crawl into a corner, I hurriedly made my way to the bed, lifted the blankets and slipped underneath. Then I tucked the edges securely around myself and pulled the covers all the way up over my head.
Suzie returned a few minutes later. Through the comforter I could make out the dark outline of her body leaning heavily against the doorframe.
“Alex, I’ll be back tomorrow. I know you’re going to need some time, so we won’t talk about school for the rest of this week. Please remember Eleanor and Greg are here to help. This won’t be a permanent placement, but I just wanted you to stay somewhere safe and comfortable while we work things out.”
I almost asked why I couldn’t have stayed somewhere with Brandon and Dwayne, before I realized it was my own behavior that had probably caused her to separate us. I’d flown off the deep end and attacked someone, and my punishment was a private bedroom in a mansion in Bel Air that I really didn’t want. Life was insane sometimes.
“Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?”
Her quiet sigh filled the silence.
“If you need to talk to me, or if you want to speak to a counselor before tomorrow, please ask Eleanor to call me…I’m so sorry about all this, Alex.”
