by Sara Alva
I just needed to get him alone.
Yeah, that was it. I just needed to get him alone.
Bzzzzt!
The ringer went off on the dryer.
Fighting back my arousal, I opened the machine door and started emptying out the clothes. “All right, you two. Time to fold. Put the Barbies away…unless they want to help.”
“Tío!” Star laughed, scrambling to my side. “You’re silly!”
“Yeah.” I grinned as Seb sat on the bench and started folding pairs of really tiny pants. “I am.”
We placed all the clean clothing in fresh plastic bags, because I was afraid the old ones might have bugs. I tried to remember what else my mother had done when we’d gotten bedbugs, but really the best solution she’d come up with had been to move out.
Except then we’d moved in with Hector, who was vermin on a whole other level.
Star skipped alongside Seb and me as we walked the couple blocks back to Mimi’s apartment. Seb wasn’t smiling anymore, but he seemed more at ease than he had earlier in the day. Hopefully spending time with Star would be good for him—it was hard to be scared when a five-year-old was dancing around you without a care in the world.
“I wanna do something nice for Mimi,” I said to him, and realized it’d been ages since we’d talked like we used to. He probably needed that back, too, so he’d be more comfortable.
I knew I did.
“She really helped me out, y’know. I kinda want to make her dinner or something, but all she has is bread and cheese and a tomato. I guess maybe I could make sandwiches? But that’s kinda lame, huh.”
Seb tilted his head slightly. I took that as a yes.
“I have ten dollars from this morning, from when Star wanted milk. But I dunno if I should spend it. I know she’s trying to save money.”
And I didn’t want her to work a single minute longer than she had to.
“Well, maybe I’ll find some pasta in a cabinet. Spaghetti is easy enough to make.”
We reached the apartment, and I was surprised to hear the TV blaring from inside—I’d figured Mimi would still be asleep. But after opening the door, I knew in one whiff it wasn’t Mimi in the living room.
The smell of cigarette smoke and wet dog assaulted me, almost knocking me back a step. Even Seb put a hand to his face in discomfort.
Muddy paw prints led from the front door to the couch, where a sleeping pit-bull lay next to a man probably in his thirties. He had a cigarette in one hand and a can of beer in the other. Baggy jeans left his boxers exposed, and his wife-beater was stained with underarm filth. A ton of cigarette butts lay on the floor in front of him—he must’ve been chain smoking to get through that many so quickly.
“Angel!” Star ran around my legs and jumped into his lap. “Hi, Angel!”
“Hi, baby girl,” he said, pulling her against his chest in a hug. “How’s my princess today?’
My vision flashed red for a moment. Don’t call her that.
“Good.” Star wiggled around, kicking her legs up and down as she patted the dog on the head. “I have a tío.”
“That’s right.” Angel looked up at me slowly, like he’d just realized Seb and I were standing inside the apartment. “You’re the brother.”
“Hey, man.” I gave him a very slight nod as I walked past and put Star’s clothes down on the table.
“Might have some work for you,” he went on.
“Cool.”
“And this is the white kid.” Now he turned his gaze on Seb, and I had to dig my nails into my palm to keep from grabbing him and tucking him behind me protectively. “The white kid that don’t talk.”
“Yeah,” I said for Seb.
“Huh.” Angel inhaled from his cigarette. “Yeah. Could be useful. I’ll think about it.”
While I think about stabbing that cigarette into your eye.
“Did you bring me a present, Angel?” Star’s legs were kicking even harder, causing her to bounce. “You said last time you were gonna bring me a present.”
“Of course I did, baby girl. Right there.” He pointed to a bag by the side of the couch. Star immediately hopped down to grab it, then climbed into his lap again. “What is it?”
Angel reached into the bag and pulled out a little tank top with purple sequins all over it.
“Ooh!” Star squealed, clapping her hands. “It’s so pretty and it’s shiny!”
“What else would I get a princess? Let’s try it on and see if it fits.” He put his hand under her shirt, sliding it against her skin as he removed the pink long-sleeve she’d been wearing.
I wanted to puke. Or scream for Mimi. Or commit murder. He hadn’t actually done anything wrong, but seeing this man…this man who let my sister do what she did…seeing him touch her daughter in any way…
Fists clenched, I took a step forward. But then Seb jerked and dropped the bag he’d been carrying, knocking over a salt shaker, and I got distracted. By the time I turned around, Star had already slipped on the other shirt.
And she’d moved back enough for me to see the handle of a gun sticking out the top of Angel’s baggy pants.
Fuck.
He picked Star up and set her on the ground, where she began twirling and admiring the glint off her sequins. Laughing, he finished a beer and lit up another cigarette.
“All right, baby girl,” he said after a few puffs. “Go tell your mommy to get up and get dressed.” He gave Star a pat on the butt as he sent her on her way.
Anger rising again, I snatched the bags of clothing. My sudden movement caused the dog to perk up, and he bared his teeth in a snarl.
“Don’t mind Glock,” Angel said when I froze. “He don’t bite people.”
“Right.” I gave him a cold smile. “C’mon, Seb. Let’s go put Star’s stuff away.”
Safely inside the tiny room, I backed myself up against the wall and inhaled deeply. The air was a little less smoky in there, but really, it was being away from Angel that allowed me to breathe again.
“That guy is a fucking asshole,” I told Seb, who was staring at the spot where the infested mattress had been. Maybe he felt like he needed a place to hole up right now, too. But there wasn’t a bed for us to hide in anymore, and we didn’t really have the time.
“We’d better not leave Star out there alone for long.”
After setting up the blankets on the floor, I brought Seb back out to the living room with me. Mimi appeared a second later, wearing a cheap skin-tight dress that stopped somewhere just south of her hips and a huge oversized sweat-jacket that hung down to her knees. She zipped it up when she saw me.
“Hey, Sexy,” Angel greeted her. She walked past and he pulled her into his lap for a hug, the same way he’d done with Star. Only with her, he added a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss.
I didn’t know how much more of this I could stand.
“Yo, brother.” Angel waved his cigarette to get my attention. “Go grab me that spoon on the counter.” With his other hand, he pulled a tiny plastic bag and a straight pipe out of his pocket.
Before I could react, Mimi tucked her hand into the top of his shirt. “No, Angel. Not in front of the baby. Please.”
He stared at her for a moment, then glanced over at Star. She was sitting cross-legged on the other end of the couch and petting the dog. “Fine. We’ll take it with. C’mon.”
I couldn’t explain why my brain was about to short-circuit with fury. It wasn’t like I’d never been around people smoking crack. Hell, plenty of Hector’s friends had, and he’d joined in on occasion. But this was different. It was different because Mimi was my sister and I knew she didn’t want this.
And Star was only five years old. Five fucking years old.
Angel stood, an empty beer can sliding to the floor as he went. Mimi was forced to stand at the same time, since she’d been on his lap.
“Now? Where’re we going?” she asked.
“Need you to do me a favor. A quick one. You got the kid to watch Star, an
yways.”
I couldn’t stop myself this time. I grabbed Mimi by her wrist and began pulling her down the hallway with me.
“Alex! What’re you—”
“What the fuck, Mimi.” I yanked her close so I could speak directly in her ear. “What the fuck. This guy is shit!”
She pushed me off, drawing a finger up to my face. “You keep your mouth shut.” Her teeth were clenched as she spoke in a low growl. “You hear me? Keep your damn mouth shut.”
Angel approached and Mimi whirled around. “Alex fixed up Star’s bedroom. She had bedbugs.”
“Nasty fuckers,” Angel responded. “But let’s go.”
“Bye Mommy!” Star crowded in around our legs.
Mimi stooped down to hug her. “Bye, baby. Be good for Tío.”
When she straightened up, she surprised me by giving me a quick hug, too. “I usually have the neighbor Betty look in on Star at night…I’ll tell her you’re gonna be around though, okay? You can make some sandwiches for dinner. Or look in the freezer—there might be a pizza.”
“Right.” I nodded numbly. “Okay.”
Angel, Mimi, and the dog filed out, leaving me standing in the hallway and staring after them stupidly. My guts were twisted and I was sweating and the stench of animal and smoke and body odor was really close to making me have to vomit.
And in that moment I understood—this was why Mimi had never wanted me around her after she’d left.
“Tío?” Star looked up at me expectantly. “Can we have marshmallows for our camping now?”
I didn’t move, but Seb put his arm on Star’s back and started to guide her toward the kitchen. I’d almost forgotten he was even there. A few moments later, plastic food wrappers began crinkling, and I followed wearily to find Seb making cheese sandwiches.
Some of the darkness lifted from my mind. Sandwiches might’ve been a simple task, but right then they meant all the world to me.
I walked up behind him and rested my head on his shoulder. “Thanks.”
We were standing too close, I knew, but Star was only five years old and not really someone to worry about. And I needed to feel his warm body next to mine—to remind myself that someone was there for me, even if it was only with the occasional smile or hug.
Seb leaned back against me, and I rocked us gently, for just an instant.
Then I pulled away.
“Guess what,” I said to Star. “We’re gonna have a picnic. People have picnics when they go camping.”
“Oh yeah!” She ran up and hugged my legs. “I saw that on a movie, too! I love you, Tío!”
One picnic and two hours of television later, Star’s head dropped down against my arm. I felt like doing the same on Seb’s, but decided to just be happy he was sitting close enough that our shoulders touched.
“We should get Star to bed,” I murmured, turning so that my lips almost brushed his ear. “And I bet you’re tired, too. We had a long day…and you usually sleep a whole lot more in a day, don’t you.”
His lips twitched.
Maybe we weren’t quite alone, but with Star asleep, it was about as close as we were going to get. Eager not to waste the opportunity, I gently lifted the still-dozing Star and carried her to her room.
“Are we going camping now?” she mumbled sleepily.
“Yeah.” I set her down on the comforter, then pulled the sheets over her. “So go to sleep.”
Seb stood in the doorway as I tucked her in, but his eyes were unfocused, like he was looking really far away.
“I’m not sure where we can sleep,” I whispered to him. “Yesterday I slept here with Star…I think there’s like one more sheet that we washed, but no more pillows. I guess we can just use a wad of clothes or something.”
Seb went to the closet and pulled out the fitted sheet from Star’s bed.
“You do wanna go to sleep, huh.” I tried not to let the disappointment show in my voice. “Well, all right. Let’s set it up.”
Our makeshift bed consisted of nothing more than the sheet and a throw blanket. I decided I’d let Seb have it and crawl in with Star, since there really wasn’t enough space for two.
Unless those two were pretty damn close.
When I lay down, I faced him, and he faced me, like we’d done that last night at Ms. Loretta’s. Only this time, I could tell he was really tired, because his eyelids dropped steadily until they were closed, his lashes twitching slightly before his lips parted and soft, sleeping breaths emerged.
I fell asleep focused on those lips, wondering what it would be like to feel them on my skin. But a little while later, the wailing call of police sirens woke me up. I looked over to see Seb’s eyes wide with alarm, and immediately rushed to his side.
“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It happens here all the time—shit goes down in the ghetto, you know. But don’t worry. They’re not coming here. It’s probably not even anything bad.”
The first whisper of regret wormed its way into my thoughts. Why had I brought Seb to this hellhole? I’d told myself it was for his sake—so he could be happy—but was I really just being a selfish asshole again?
He rolled over, staying close to me so that we were nearly spooning. I slid my arm around his chest and held him tight. “You’re okay. And look, Star’s still fast asleep. She knows it’s no big deal.”
His muscles relaxed gradually under my touch, and he let out a sigh.
He was so warm, and his heartbeat so strong against the palm of my hand. I couldn’t pull myself away. I didn’t want to, either.
Besides, he needed my comfort. And I needed his. There was nothing wrong with comfort.
“Goodnight, Seb,” I whispered. Resting my head against my other arm, I gently nuzzled his neck and settled in to sleep.
Chapter 17: Busted
“But I don’t want Pop-Tarts!” Star pushed the silver packet away from her with a sudden burst of outrage. It slid all the way across the table and stopped in front of Seb, who stared down at it with his typical blank face.
“C’mon, Star.” I yawned, stretching to the side and trying to work some of the kinks out of my back. Sleeping on the bare floor hadn’t been very comfortable, even with Seb by my side. “They’re really good. And they’re the s’mores kind. That means they have marshmallows. Marshmallows for camping, remember?”
“Camping is for nighttime,” Star responded, scorn written on every detail of her tiny face, from her wrinkled little nose to her pursed lips to her scowling eyes. “I said I wanted cereal, and you said we could buy milk the other day.”
Seb dropped his head. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was trying to hide his laughter.
“But we don’t want to waste your mommy’s money. Besides, we should wait to see what other stuff we need to get at the store, instead of just going to buy milk.”
Unconvinced, Star crossed her arms against her chest. She was still wearing the purple sequin tank top and the Barbie underwear. Some of the sequin color had already started to wear away, leaving them a dull silver. “I want cereal.”
It appeared we were deadlocked. By some small miracle, a key scratched at the door, and Mimi entered the apartment a second later.
And she entered it alone, thank God.
“Mommy!” All the sourness vanished from Star’s face as she ran to her mother.
Mimi picked her up and cradled her in her arms, but Star’s presence didn’t have the same effect on her worn features. Her eyes were sunken into dark voids of smeared mascara, and she wore no lipstick.
“Hi, baby,” she said quietly.
I left the kitchen to walk to her side. I didn’t know if she’d still be angry with me about yesterday, but I could tell she was drained—even more drained than she’d been the last time—and I wanted to be of some help.
And I also wanted to do anything I could to keep from thinking about why she might be so sapped of life this morning.
“You want me to make you breakfast? I could go
to the store, if you need me to.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m not hungry. I’m just gonna take a shower.”
Star wiggled in her arms. “Me too, Mommy. I wanna take a shower, too.”
Mimi cringed, the wrinkles on her forehead and around her eyes making her look so much older. Then she sighed. “Okay, baby. We’ll wash you up first.”
They disappeared into the bathroom. I looked back over at the table to find Seb, but he wasn’t sitting there anymore. Somehow he’d snuck around and was now standing behind me, studying me with his head tipped to the side.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this,” I muttered, turning to him. “Watching her leave at night…seeing her come home like this in the morning…” I paused to push down the lump in my throat. “And what about Star? What about when she gets old enough to realize…”
Seb’s gaze fell to the floor. If he understood what I was saying, then I was probably depressing him…but misery loves company, and I kept on going.
“And that asshole Angel…I bet you anything he smokes crack around Star when Mimi’s not there. I mean, what if Star used that spoon one day? Or if he dropped some or something? She’s so fucking tiny…I think it could kill her.”
Seb stepped a little closer to me.
“And the gun…yeah, great fucking idea to have a gun in your pants and a kid on your lap.”
I squeezed my hands into fists, my anger from the night before suddenly revived.
“You know what the worst part might be? Now I have to deal with another fucking asshole in my life that I can’t do anything to stop. I thought I was done with that shit.”
A blast of warmth hit my neck, and I realized Seb had come close enough that I was feeling the heat of his breath on my skin. I slowly released the tension in my clenched muscles.
“Shit. I almost took a swing at him. That wouldn’tve ended well. If you hadn’t distracted me I’d…I might’ve…”
Our chests were touching now, his inhales and exhales mirroring mine. Something about the train of thought I’d been on bugged me, but I let it go, deciding to forget my troubles for the time being and enjoy the comfort available right in front of my face.
