by Sara Alva
I lifted my arms and wrapped him in a hug, breathing in deeply through the filter of his blond hair. All the frustration inside me was immediately reduced to a tiny, smoldering ember. My body shot signals to my brain that filled up the available room in there, telling me this was what it craved. To continue running my hands over his shoulders and admiring the firm, lean muscles of his back. To make him my whole world and leave the rest of this shit behind.
Being this close to him was like a drug…and I was quickly becoming addicted. It took a very strong effort for me to step away.
“You’ll eat Pop-Tarts, right Seb?” I asked, running my hand down his arm as I drew out our physical connection for as long as possible. “I’ll even warm them up for you.”
He stared at me, and while his mouth didn’t move, his eyes were smiling.
We split one pack so there’d be enough left for Mimi and Star—if she ever gave in—then sat down in the living room to watch some TV. Five minutes later the bathroom door opened and a dripping wet Star was pushed into the hallway, clutching a thin gray towel to her shivering body.
“Alex, get Star dressed, will you?” Mimi called, and the door shut again.
I stood up and walked toward her while she hopped in place, shaking off the excess water. “I’m all clean, Tío!”
Her arms flew up in the air with her declaration, causing the towel to slip to the floor.
“Oh, Jesus.” I ducked my head into my hand to cover my eyes. “Didn’t you say you could get dressed by yourself?”
She giggled. “Oh, yeah.” After picking up the towel and wrapping it around her butt, she flounced into her room.
“She can,” I assured Seb as I sat back beside him. “She did it yesterday. And I’m starting to get the feeling someone needs to teach her about being a little more private. Like how you shouldn’t just go wandering around in your underwear—or naked, for that matter—when there are people in the house.”
My own words touched on a memory, which grew more vivid as Seb turned to look into my eyes.
Wandering around in your underwear.
Yeah, little girls shouldn’t be doing it. But when he’d done it…when he’d let his boxers slide down below his waist, let me see the dip of his hipbone and the curve of his ass…
Let me? I snapped myself out of the daydream. There was no final word on that.
“Um, Seb…” I bit down on my lip slowly, rolling the chunk of flesh between my teeth. “You know those last couple nights at Ms. Loretta’s?”
Did he remember them the way I did? I waited to see if there’d be any spark of recognition in his eyes.
His brows rose slightly.
“Well…it’s just…I’ve been meaning to ask you about…about the stuff I said behind the shed. Y’know, about…about me…being different…”
“Let’s go outside and play!” Star rocketed into the room. She was back in the tutu, but she had black leggings on underneath this time and a yellow shirt with a sunflower on it.
“Star.” I barely controlled the sigh of irritation. “I’m talking to my friend right now. Can’t you go play by yourself?”
“I don’t wanna play by myself,” she explained matter-of-factly. In two quick tugs she had Seb up, and she began leading him to the back of the house.
I stayed on the couch, twisting my ankles in little circles and cracking my knuckles. Maybe Star’s interruption had been well-timed. I wasn’t sure I actually wanted the answers to my questions—or the lack of answers that would be just as devastating.
Maybe I needed to learn to live with the mystery.
When I joined them, Seb and Star were building mounds of dirt on the tiny plot of brick-enclosed yard. I kept the back door open and sat in the entranceway to watch, but didn’t feel the need to help them out. This was one game I was sure Seb could handle on his own.
Star’s little fingers, coated with dirt, patted a hill with a final clump of soil. She instructed Seb to break a twig off of a tree and stick it in the middle, then stood back to observe their masterpiece and select the next place to break ground.
After a few minutes, Mimi came to stand behind me in the doorway. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt now, and her face was free of makeup. I felt much happier around her when she looked like that.
“Seb’s good with Star.” I smiled as the two of them worked to create a giant pile of earth. “I think she really likes him.”
“Alex.” Mimi sighed, taking a hand towel to her hair and rubbing at the wet curls. “This isn’t going to work out.”
“What?” I gripped the doorframe and pulled myself to my feet. “What’re you talking about?”
“You. And him. Staying here. It’s not gonna work out.”
A chill traveled down my spine and along my skin, leaving little bumps and raised body hair in its wake. “Angel said no?”
“It’s just not gonna work,” she repeated. She wasn’t making eye contact, though, and my suspicions had anger taking over the anxiety.
“You didn’t even ask him, did you. What the fuck!”
“I don’t need to ask him.” Mimi flashed her glare straight at me now that I’d figured her out. “I’m telling you, it isn’t going to work.”
“Well, you’re being stupid,” I shot back. “You need my help around here. You’re gonna need my help with Star.”
“I don’t need your help with nothing.” She backtracked to the bathroom and tossed the towel onto the sink. “I know how to support my daughter just fine on my own. What I can’t do is support her and you and the white boy that may or may not be retarded.”
“I said I’d get a job.” I threw up my hands, chasing after her. “I don’t expect to live here for free.”
“What job, huh? What’re you gonna do? And what is that boy gonna do? Please. Tell me.”
My mouth flapped open and closed a few times as I hunted for a response. “Uh…Angel said he might have some work for me. Maybe he wants me to like…deal for him or something? I could do that, if you want.”
Her hand flew at me so fast I didn’t have a chance to react, and I received the full force of the slap across the right side of my face.
Staggering back, I turned toward the wall to inspect the stinging spot with my fingertips. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought her nails might’ve left a mark.
“No I don’t want that,” she spat. “Cabrón.”
My eyes filled with tears. Not from the pain, really, but from the whole fucked-up situation I’d put myself in. And put Seb in, for that matter.
I smothered the urge to cry and looked out back, watching Star hop from one pile of dirt to another. Her laughter made the pricks of pain along my cheek feel even sharper.
“Mimi, please…”
She clenched the hand she’d hit me with and crossed her arms. “No. I made up my mind.”
“But…”
“Besides”—she glanced up sharply, then immediately looked away again—“you know this neighborhood ain’t no place for fags.”
My blood turned to ice.
“Wh-what? I’m…I’m not. I’m not.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Mimi shook her head. “I just wanna know one thing…were you born like this? Or was it like something that happened in that group home? ’Cause back in school, they always used to say fag was catching…especially for the boys…”
All sanity shattered, I drew back my fist and slammed it into the wall with every ounce of force in my body. “Stop saying that word!”
Bits of plaster dust exploded into the air. Right before I shut my eyes, I saw the scrape on one of my knuckles turn from white to red as blood began to seep out. I pushed my face against the damaged wall, wishing I could melt straight into the foundation of the ugly little apartment and escape this moment without ever looking back.
Mimi touched my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t turn around.
“I’m sorry, Alex. It don’t change anything for me, you know. You’re st
ill my brother and I still love you.”
Tears escaped my closed eyes and I pressed my face even harder into the darkness, making strange squiggles and dots appear on the backs of my lids.
“But you know I’m right. It’s just not safe around here. Especially not for him. And if Angel ever found out…he’s weird about that shit. He could hurt you and I’d never—”
Mention of Angel caused another rush of insane fury and I whirled, screaming in Mimi’s face. “Angel! Jesus fucking Christ! Why are you with that asshole? Why? Why, after seeing Mom with Hector, would you fucking do that?”
She backed up, cowering on the opposite wall like she was afraid I might hit her this time. “Because, Alejandro,” she whispered. “Star and me…we don’t have nowhere else to go.”
Her whole body sagged in on itself, sad brown eyes practically begging me for forgiveness. She looked so small and defeated, stripped of the hardness and reduced to the little girl she’d once been.
“Mimi, I’m s—”
“You need to go back to that place. That house with the pool and the gardener. Please, Alex.”
“I can’t.” I switched positions so I could rest the back of my head and look out at the clouds dotting the sky. It was also a way to let the rest of the moisture soak back into my eyes before it had a chance to fall. “They probably wouldn’t have me back. And even if they did, they’d take Seb away and I…I can’t…”
Can’t what? Can’t live without him? Can’t break free from this mysterious spell he’d put me under without uttering a single word?
“I just…can’t.”
Mimi fell in beside me, resting her head along my shoulder. “So where will you go, then?”
I shrugged, trying to sniff in the snot I could feel trailing down to my upper lip. “I don’t know. To find Mom, maybe.”
“Right. Like she’s gonna help.”
“She’s Mom, Mimi. I can’t give up on her.”
Mimi pushed off the wall. “One day you’re gonna understand, Alejandro. She’s not a mom. She’s just a lady who happened to have babies.”
I really couldn’t blame her for thinking that.
Voice thick with anger and unshed tears, I yelled for Seb. He stopped his antics with Star and turned to me.
“Let’s get our stuff. We’re leaving.”
~*~
“Will you come back?” Star tugged on my pant leg, her lower lip sticking out only slightly. She seemed to be deciding whether or not she was supposed to be sad.
“Sure, I’ll come back sometime. And now you know you have a tío.” I reached over and picked her up for a hug. Her tiny arms encircled my neck, causing an unfamiliar stirring in my heart. For two odd, stressful days, I’d gotten to be an uncle—and I’d never dreamed that’d be something I’d actually find rewarding.
Mimi came to me next, squeezing me so hard our ribs ground against each other. I wanted to tell her to eat more, but the advice died before it left my lips. I wanted to tell her to do a lot of things…and to not do a lot of things, but I knew she was just going to keep on living what she knew.
“Are you sure I can’t take you back?” she asked one last time.
I took a deep breath, drinking in Seb’s form with my eyes and using it to remind me of why I needed to stay strong.
“No, Mi. We’re gonna make it on our own. We’ll be fine.”
Shaking her head with a sigh, she pulled something out of her pocket and thrust it at me. I looked down to find a wad of crumpled cash in my hand.
“What’s this?”
“Should be about a hundred sixty, I think.”
“No.” I pushed the money back at her, but she dropped her hands and stepped away. “I can’t take this, Mimi. You and Star need it.”
“Don’t worry about us, I got it all under control. I’m doing all right, really. I just know I gotta be careful and save.” She leaned in to whisper in my ear. “And I keep some stuff away from Angel, you know. I’m not stupid.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “That’s probably a good idea.”
I folded up the bills and stuck some in my pockets. The rest went into my shoe. “Well, we’re gonna get going now.”
Star hugged Seb and then Mimi embraced me again, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “Be safe, hermanito. And I hope he really is…okay.”
I couldn’t bring myself to respond, so I just nodded, hitching up my backpack and gesturing for Seb to follow as we headed down the street.
“Bye, Tío! Bye, Seb!” Star waved. “Bye-bye!” Her little hand kept flying back and forth until we rounded the corner and she was out of sight.
And then, at long last, Seb and I were alone.
This wasn’t exactly ideal circumstances, though. Despite all my brave words, I knew our prospects for a comfortable life anywhere in the near future were growing slim.
“Shit, Seb,” I muttered, trying and failing to keep the uncertainty from swallowing me whole. “I really thought we were gonna be able to stay there. I wouldn’t have sprung you otherwise. I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me, because he was busy staring at a man pushing a corn cart across the street. The man stopped honking his little horn and yelling out “elotes!” to stare right back at him.
“Seb, quit it. Don’t look people in the eye.”
I could’ve smacked myself for my stupidity. There was a good chance the cops would be looking for us, especially since we were heading to my old neighborhood. They’d have to be pretty fucking observant to pick my brown face out of a crowd, but a white kid with blond hair in South Central was an odd enough sight to attract attention. He’d be like a neon sign to anyone looking for us.
“I think it’s time for the wig again.” I pulled him into an alley and dug it out of the backpack. Then I secured it on his head with the baseball cap, letting my fingers trace the side of his face and his jaw as I examined my work.
“I like your blond hair, but you can pull off the brown, too,” I told him. “Especially since your eye color is so dark.”
He batted his lashes.
Chuckling, I just barely resisted the urge to caress his face again. There was a whole lot more shit to worry about, but Seb’s almond eyes seemed to have some magical power that allowed me to postpone dealing with it for the time being.
“C’mon. We should get moving. Gotta find ourselves a place to stay before dark.”
Chapter 18: Home Sweet Home
Two hours later, we trudged past the 105 freeway. There wasn’t exactly a wrought iron sign announcing our location like there had been for Bel Air, but maybe the old bum crouching under the overpass served the same purpose. He was still right there in his flannel blanket, drinking out of a brown paper bag. It was almost as if he hadn’t moved since the last time I’d seen him.
“This is it,” I told Seb. “This is where I’m from. Not so glamorous, huh.”
Like he was just waking up, Seb lifted his eyes from the sidewalk and blinked slowly into the sunlight. He’d been staring at the ground for most of our trip, ever since I’d snapped at him about making eye contact with strangers. But now he looked curious about his surroundings again, and he swiveled his head in all directions.
I’d always thought there wasn’t much to see, but I could tell Seb was interested, especially by all the vendors on the street selling shaved ice and fruta con limón y chile. His eyes danced from one colorful cart to the next, taking in the reds and blues and greens that stood out against the black and white backdrop of the projects.
I thought about stopping to get him some, but I was too nervous to let anyone get a good look at my face.
Turning onto 111th street, we headed for a gray apartment building. I stood on an overturned trashcan to jump the fence that surrounded it, almost ripping the crotch of my pants in the process. Of course, Seb made the leap in a much more graceful fashion, landing on both feet with perfect balance.
I shook my head at him, then climbed the outside stairs of the buil
ding and pounded on the door to apartment number five. “Yo! José! You home, man?”
The door swung open a few seconds later, revealing a hallway and living room stuffed with furniture, covered in more cheap porcelain figurines than it seemed possible to collect in a lifetime.
“Alex? Holy shit!” He clasped my hand and pulled me forward so that our chests bumped. “Where the fuck you been, man?”
“Fuck.” I shook my head. “It’s so much shit, I wouldn’t even know where to start. Can we come in?”
Thick brows drawn up in confusion, José passed his gaze back and forth between Seb and me. He’d lost weight, I realized, because his cheeks weren’t as round anymore and his collarbone was starting to jut out from beneath his white t-shirt.
“Who’s this fucker?” He pointed to Seb. “And why the fuck is he wearing a wig?”
“That’s Seb.” I pushed my way into the cluttered apartment without invitation. “He don’t talk.”
“Uh, okay.” José trotted after me as I sank down at his kitchen table.
I shoved a family of porcelain elephants aside so I could rest my elbows on the tabletop. “Look, man, have you seen my mom at all? You have any idea where she might be at?”
“Nah.” José pulled up a chair, knocking off a mangy white cat that was furiously scratching at fleas. “I ain’t seen her or Hector in like forever. Heard they left town. We all figured they was running from something, ’cause they left in a hurry.”
“Shit.” But you already knew that, I reminded myself, trying to dull the sharp sting of his words.
It didn’t really work.
“So what the fuck happened, man? Are you gonna tell me? Why’d the cops take you?”
I nudged the cat away from my leg before the little bloodsuckers it housed could decide to snack on me. “It wasn’t really the cops. It was a social worker. They put me in fucking foster care.”
José blew out a breath, making his cheeks puff up. He looked more like his old self that way. “Fuck, man. That fucking sucks.”
