by Sara Alva
Trembling, I crushed Seb’s hand in mine. It had to hurt, but he didn’t flinch.
“I know how hard this must be for you, Alex. I promise you I’ll do everything I can to help. There are resources available for your sister…but now you need to tell me where you and Sebastian are. Please.”
“No.” I bit a dry patch on my lip until it bled, just so I could have something other than the aftertaste of vomit in my mouth. “We don’t need you.”
“Alex, think about what you’re doing. How are you going to take care of Sebastian? This…what you’ve done…it could even be considered kidnapping.”
I turned to Seb, resting the receiver against my chest. “Seb…do you want to go back with Suzie?”
He shook his head.
“Do you want to stay with me?”
He nodded.
Even in this moment, this moment of complete torture, he could make my heart sing.
I put the phone back up to my mouth. “Seb stays with me.”
“Alex, please, you can’t…you can’t take advantage of him. Even if you have feelings for him, please, remember, if you acted on them…it would be like ra—”
“Don’t worry,” I interrupted. “I’m not. I’m not going to do anything I’m not supposed to, I promise. I’m just gonna take care of him. I’m just gonna be…his friend.”
“Alex, you need to come—”
I hung up.
With my free arm, I rubbed my face clean, staring at the phone and taking shaky breaths.
It was done. I’d done it. I’d turned my sister in to the very people I was running from.
And now that it was done, I was left with a bottomless pit of doubts. I had to trust in Suzie. I had to trust that Star was young and flexible and could adjust…but if I were her age, would I have accepted strangers walking into my life, trying to change it with the promise of something better?
Probably not.
Would I if I knew what I did now?
I still wasn’t sure.
Oh, God. Please forgive me. Please God fucking forgive me.
Folding over, I started to retch again, like I was trying to expel what I’d just done from my body. But there was nothing left in my stomach and I just ended up spewing bloody saliva onto the grass below.
Seb touched the back of my neck, his soft fingers grazing the skin, and I gradually straightened up.
“I’m okay.” I wiped my mouth on my sleeve. “I’m okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay.”
If I said it enough times, maybe I’d believe it.
Seb nodded again.
“We…we should get outta here, though. I don’t know if they can really trace calls or anything like that, but I bet they’ll be looking around here.”
I started to move away from the payphone, and suddenly realized Seb and I were still connected by our hands.
“Um…” I searched the streets warily, noting a few guys loitering on the corner a block away. “Seb, I know you don’t mean anything by it…but people could get the wrong idea about this.” I squeezed his hand. “And around here, it isn’t really safe.”
Very slowly, his fingers slipped away from mine, but not before I caught a hint of something sad in his dark eyes.
“You’re right. Around here…sucks.” Spying a bus stop a few feet ahead, I slapped his shoulder to push him forward. “We need to blow this joint.”
For good.
PART THREE
Chapter 20: Heaven and Hell
“Do you smell that?”
I stepped off the bus and into the brilliant sunshine, right under a tall palm tree. Seb pulled up beside me and blinked once.
I wanted the nods back, but at least he seemed alert—which was more than I could say for myself. My jaw and ear were still sore from where they’d been smashed up against the bus window while I slept.
“Take a deep breath, like this.” I coached him, inhaling dramatically. Wafts of incense floated past my nostrils, making them twitch, but the breeze also carried hints of fried foods, grilling meats, and salt.
“That’s the ocean.”
Seb raised his brows.
“You’ve seen it right? Just right down here I think, and we’ll get to it.”
I headed down a narrow Venice side street, shoving my hands into my pockets to keep from touching Seb. Odd, tall houses with multi-colored exteriors and windowed walls lined the passage, but as we got closer to the beach, the buildings got even stranger. One place looked like it’d been plucked straight out of an old horror movie, complete with gargoyles, goblins and several dragons.
I curled my nose at a particularly demonic-looking creature, edging toward the opposite side of the street. “People are fucking weird. Why would you want to look at that shit everyday? Especially when you live close to something awesome like the ocean.”
When I turned to see Seb’s reaction—or to see if Seb had a reaction—I was greeted by the sight of his blond hair racing ahead to a crowded pedestrian walkway.
“Hey, wait up!”
He kept going, bypassing a group of girls with bug-eyed sunglasses and squeezing through two street vendor tables selling that strong incense.
“Seb, stop!”
Plowing straight ahead, he wandered into the middle of a bike path. An angry cyclist swerved around him in the nick of time. Two more whipped by to the right, jingling their bells and glaring.
I sprinted over and tugged his shirtsleeve until we’d made it safely across.
“Seb”—I shook my finger sternly—“you can’t just go running off like that. You gotta stick close.”
Not even slightly disturbed, he stepped forward, kicking a pile of sand. He crouched down to feel it, then scooped up a handful and let it sift through his fingers in a long, wispy trail.
“Like it, don’t ya.” I laughed at his bright-eyed grin. “Shoulda figured you would.”
He straightened up and walked on more calmly, heading for the water.
Sun glinted off the gray-blue waves as they rolled in. The Pacific wasn’t like the postcards of those beachy paradises—the ones with the coconut tree and the crystal-clear waters—but it was just as beautiful. Maybe even a bit more interesting for all the secrets it kept hidden in its dark depths…sort of like Seb’s eyes.
A wave crashed near the shoreline and a bit of froth sprayed our faces.
Seb picked up a handful of wet sand to mold in his palm. I got the feeling that if I left him alone, he’d spend the rest of the day exploring all the textures the oceanfront had to offer. But just when I was about to settle down to watch him, he stepped forward, and the waves licked at the tips of his sneakers.
“Hold it!” I hooked my finger into his shirt collar so I could pull him back. “We can go swimming sometime, but not in our clothes.”
He glanced down at his feet, then kicked off his shoes.
“What about your pants? You know you only have that one pair right now.”
He leaned over to remove his socks and roll up his pant legs.
“Oh my God.” I shook my head into my hand, chuckling. “Fine, but hold up. I’m not letting you go in there alone.”
I transferred all our cash over to my pockets and tightened the straps on the backpack so it was as high as it would go. Once I had my shoes and socks off and my pants up to my knees, I walked after him clumsily.
“Jesus, I look like a fucking fool,” I moaned, but I wasn’t really upset. How could I be, with Seb’s brilliant smile still in place, his long white toes already touching the water’s edge?
“Is it cold?”
No answer, just a grin. I took a step forward.
“Holy fuck!” I yelped, skipping back to the warm sand. “It’s fucking freezing!”
A family with a toddler a few feet away gave me a dirty look, and I shrugged at them.
In the meantime, Seb waded in up to his calves. He had his head thrown back, his eyes closed and his mouth open, like he was waiting to catch salty drops of water on his tongue.
Braving the cold again, I clenched my fists and went to stand by his side. He must’ve heard the splashing because he turned to me, his lids fluttering open.
Still smiling. If only I’d had a watch so I could’ve timed this—I was pretty sure it was the longest stretch of smiling he’d done since…ever.
“There’s a lot more to see. I mean, it’s a bit of a freak show, but it’s entertaining.” I gestured behind me with a head nod. “I was here once, with…with Mimi and this guy she was dating.”
I tripped a little on her name, guilt and regret fighting to recapture my thoughts. I knew I’d lost her. But I’d lost her before that, really, and I’d survived.
A powerful wave lapped at my leg, shocking me again with its frigid temperature.
“Seb, really, this is too cold. My people are a tropical people. Let’s go back.”
He followed me out, squishing his feet into the sand with each step.
When we reached dry ground, he suddenly plummeted down, lying back against one arm as a pillow and burying his free hand in the sand.
“Comfy?” I sat cross-legged beside him. “Well, don’t get too comfortable. I don’t think you should lie out for too long without sun block. I knew this girl once—she wasn’t even white, she was just like, fair-skinned, and she got this burn so bad she couldn’t even put on clothes. Got a special note to wear a tank top to school and everything.”
He closed his eyes.
“Seriously, Seb. I’ll just get browner, but you…you’ll probably turn into a lobster.”
“Well, we have some sun block you can borrow, if you like.”
Glancing to my right, I found a brunette in a sundress and a floppy hat eyeing me from just above the rims of her designer sunglasses. A similarly dressed blonde was at her side, giggling.
“Oh, uh…sure. Thanks.”
“It’s no problem. Glad to do my part to prevent skin cancer.” She smiled, digging into a straw beach bag, and pulled out a bottle. “I’m Carrie, and this is my friend Jess. We cut class today.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” I grabbed the sun block and ignored the introduction, turning back to Seb. “Here. Put out your hand.”
He didn’t move.
“C’mon, man. I’m not gonna rub it on you myself.”
But God how I wish I could.
“Seb…” I dangled the bottle over him. “If you don’t put out your hand so I can give you some, I’m gonna squirt it all over your face.”
The corner of his lip twitched.
“I know you can hear me. Seriously. I’m opening the bottle now. I’m about to squeeze it…”
With his eyes still closed, he finally dragged his fingers out of the sand and held his hand up for me.
“Thought so.” I grinned smugly.
I put a little lotion in his palm and waited, but he didn’t do anything with it.
“Seb, put it on. C’mon, don’t act like a retard.”
As soon as the stupid comment was out, my insides went cold. Why did I have to choose those words?
But to my relief, he obediently reached up and rubbed it on his nose and cheeks. That was good enough for me—at least those seemed like the most important parts to protect. Besides, the time it would take to cover every inch of his exposed skin might further involve me with the girls, and I was pretty sure they had other things on their minds than just sun block.
“Here ya go.” I handed back their bottle.
The brunette blinked, darting her gaze to the side to avoid eye contact. “Sure. Um, well, hope you and your…uh, friend have fun.”
She and the blonde gathered up their stuff and moved away.
The exchange left me confused at first, and then a little disturbed once understanding sunk in. Since I’d met Seb, it seemed like everyone around me was figuring me out. Was it the way I looked at him? The way I talked to him? It was as if he’d activated some sort of gay vibe gene that continually gave me away. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that yet.
I lay back with Seb, squeezing handfuls of sand the way I wished I could squeeze his fingers. “It’s nice here, huh. I’m thinking we should stay…at least for a while.”
A breeze blew past, tossing back strands of his blond hair. They were almost the same color as the sun-drenched sand.
“I mean, while I figure everything out, we might as well be some place nice. It’ll be like a vacation. I think we deserve that.”
We lay together for some time, listening to the constant waves and the murmur of the crowd, until Seb’s stomach growled. At first it was just a quiet rumbling, but a few seconds later, it became a roar.
“Damn.” I punched his shoulder, and he rolled onto his side to grin at me. “You’ve been pretty hungry lately. Maybe you’re still growing? I thought you’d been looking a little taller. You’re gonna be way taller than me, you jerk.”
He sat up, sand falling from his arms and the side of his shirt.
“You wanna grab a bite to eat? Y’know, they’ve got fruit here, too, I think. Like the kind they were selling in Watts.”
He got to his feet.
“All right.” I dusted the remainder of the sand from his shirt with quick, forceful pats—instead of the slow, soft strokes I wanted to use. “Let’s go back up to all those street vendors.”
On the crowded Venice boardwalk, we did find a stand selling fruit, though I was disappointed to learn that for the beautiful beach atmosphere we now had to pay three times as much money. But I’d already promised Seb, so I ordered a large full of pineapple, watermelon, and mango, splitting it between two cups. I got mine con todo—salt, lime, and chile, but for Seb I only got salt and lime.
We settled at a small round plastic table, sticky with leftover fruit juice. I grabbed a couple of napkins to clear off the mess, and while my back was turned, Seb stuck his fork into my cup.
He speared a piece of pineapple and examined it curiously.
“That red stuff is chili,” I told him. “It’s spicy. And I kinda got a lot, so I don’t know if you’ll like it.”
Bringing the fork to his nose, he sniffed at the fruit.
“Try a bit first to see if you—”
He popped the whole thing in his mouth. Within seconds, his eyes went wide and it came right back out again, bouncing on the table top once before spinning off into the crowd and smacking a lady on her heel. She glanced around to try to find the offender, but the poor piece of pineapple was kicked away by the stampede before she could spot it.
Seb reached past my elbow to grab the other cup of fruit and began eating.
“You are being a total nut today, you know that?”
He smiled.
“Thanks.”
I didn’t elaborate. He couldn’t possibly have understood that his silly behavior was taking me miles away from everything that had happened back in South Central. But I knew it wasn’t just because we were miles away that I felt almost…at peace. Seb gave me something to concentrate on—a reason to keep going. And I couldn’t explain that to him. Even if he did understand, it was too much pressure to put on his slender shoulders.
“Let’s walk for a bit,” I suggested as a bearded man in a white turban rushed past on roller skates, playing an electric guitar. Seb was up and after him in a second.
At this rate, I’d be chasing him all day.
The roller-skating hippie wove around a mass of people gathered to watch some sort of street show, and I finally caught up to Seb—but only because he’d stopped to see what all the commotion was about. His legs were longer than mine, and I had a feeling he could outrun me easily if he tried.
“I think they’re break dancers,” I whispered in his ear, though I couldn’t really see through the wall of people. “Who knew anyone still did that.”
Seb pushed forward, sliding through the crowd to get a better view.
“Seb,” I groaned, hitching up the backpack and going after him. Within seconds, though, my progress was blocked by a skinny white dude wearing impossib
ly tight pants, an impossibly tight t-shirt, and a shell necklace. I went to move around him but found my path still cut off, by a bigger white guy in a similar outfit. A woman with a stroller prevented me from backtracking, so I decided to go straight through the duo, even if I had to resort to a little shoving.
Except, there, once again, I was cut off—by two joined hands. The two white guys’ hands. Two grown men, holding hands, in a crowd of people in the middle of the Venice boardwalk on a warm southern California day.
I froze, darting my eyes around to see if anyone else had noticed. Nobody had. Or else they didn’t care, or were more interested in the people doing back flips and spinning on their heads to make a fuss.
A basket was passed around for money, causing the crowd to thin as people tried to skip out on the obligation. The movement finally allowed me to get close to Seb.
“Let’s go. We’re not gonna waste our money watching some guy do a flip, and I don’t feel like getting heckled.”
Seb bounced off eagerly, waiting for the next spectacle to catch his interest.
The handholding men also started to walk, a few feet in front of us, their fingers still entwined. I kept one eye on Seb to make sure he was near me, but the rest of my focus was on them. How long would they stay like that? Would anyone say anything? I knew not all places were like my home—not all places were dangerous—but I just hadn’t been around anyone so open before. And in a crowd, no less.
No one bothered them. A few pairs of eyes seemed to linger on them longer than they should, but Venice had so many other sights to offer—bodybuilders in speedos at the outdoor gym, pianists on the sidewalk, tons of shops and street vendors, and a homeless man building a dragon made of sand, complete with burning incense in its smoking nostrils. I guess gays in public didn’t really measure up to all that.
