by Sara Alva
Seb pulled me into his arms, and I was too far gone to resist. I crumpled against his chest, sobbing out some garbled form of “I’m sorry” over and over again. I cried harder than I’d cried in years. Maybe in five years. All sight disappeared behind the wall of water, all thoughts evaporated into a single word. Sorry.
His arms tightened around me and he rubbed my back in long, even strokes. At first that only made me cry more, but after a while my eyes were too swollen to release any more tears. I lay in a weak, quivering mess, letting Seb rock me as my breathing slowly returned to normal.
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that. It could’ve been minutes or hours, but eventually the silence calmed me and the storm in my mind settled to only a few persistent gusts of guilt. I gathered my strength and sat up.
Seb touched my cheek, wiping away some leftover moisture.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, my voice hoarse. “I…I can’t say that enough. But I swear to you, Seb, I swear…I won’t ever do anything like that again. From now on, I’m just gonna take care of you, okay? I’m just gonna be your friend and take care of you.”
He shook his head.
“What?” I pulled away abruptly, rubbing my eyes to clear my vision.
He shook his head again.
“It’s…it’s not okay?”
His lips moved, at first opening and then forming a small o.
I sniffled. A second wave of confused tears was coming. “I don’t understand.”
He gripped my shoulders and pulled me close. His mouth moved again, but this time a puff of air emerged that sounded like “nhhh.”
“I don’t…I don’t understand.”
His fingers dug into my shoulder blades. And there was a new expression on his face—one I’d never seen before. His brows were lifted and his eyes were raised toward the ceiling.
What was that? Frustration? Exasperation?
“Seb, I don’t under—”
Lips collided, teeth crashed, and he kissed me.
Chapter 21: Whole
It was a forceful, bruising kiss. A kiss that knocked the air from my lungs and scrambled my brains to within an inch of an omelet. A kiss to make a point. But as overwhelmed as I was, I still pulled back.
“Seb, you—”
Lips stopped me from speaking. Softer now, he let his tongue slide in and caress mine before slowly dragging it out. My body quivered like a released string and I had to fight for breath in the stunned silence that followed.
“You…you…”
He kissed me again. This time, I kept my mouth shut. Or open, actually, so he could suck on my bottom lip. His shirt brushed against mine as he pressed in closer, and the light rustle of fabric added itself to the very faint smacking sounds of his active lips on my still ones. Warmth from the kiss slowly spread through my mind, thawing out the shock and allowing me to make some sense of what was happening.
This was it. This was his answer. Whatever mental abilities he did or didn’t possess, he’d made his own decision about our relationship. He couldn’t tell me in words, couldn’t explain exactly what was going on in his head. This was the only way he could make me understand.
And right now, he must’ve wanted me to understand my unformed prayers were being answered.
Thank you, God.
All the shitty experiences in my life suddenly seemed so much less significant…like drops of water in the Pacific Ocean compared to this. I might’ve even chosen to live it again—even if it’d been worse—just to get to this moment.
I finally kissed him back, really gently, because I was trembling and I didn’t want to bang into his teeth. My eyes drifted closed as I sighed into his mouth, and with each soft exhale I released a little more of the dark thoughts I’d had about the fate of my soul.
Because I couldn’t be going to hell. Not if someone like Seb could find me worthy.
“Seb, I want you to know I—”
His hands slid under my shirt and I lost my train of thought. Long, cold fingers ran up and down my back, making me shiver deeper into his embrace. Every place he touched me burned—first from the icy contact, and then from some internal heat sparked by the pressure on my skin. I drew closer to his mouth and kissed him harder, imagining what it would feel like for his graceful fingers to roam over my entire body.
But I slammed on the mental brakes after a second, keeping my own hands safely above the fabric of his shirt. I couldn’t rush this. Not with him. Kisses were one thing, but there was a whole lot more we needed to figure out before we went any further. Besides, this was already amazing, and if these kisses were all there ever were, well…I could be okay with that.
Maybe.
On the other hand, I could just follow his lead. Let Seb show me where he wanted this to go. After all, I’d been making our decisions for a while now, without any of his input. This was the first time he’d chosen to assert himself, and it seemed like something I ought to encourage, not crush.
My fingers crept down, restlessly fumbling with the hem of his shirt…until he stripped it off himself to reveal pale skin glowing eerily in the light-polluted night.
He arched his back, stretching seductively, and my mouth went dry.
Jesus, did he know what he did to me? I was starting to suspect he did.
So many previously forbidden places were now within reach. His collarbone. The small of his back. The slope of his waist and the lean muscles on his stomach and chest.
My brakes failed.
I went for everything at once. The force of my advance knocked him to the ground, where I continued groping at any flesh within reach. His body eagerly pushed back against mine and our tongues clashed—and if that wasn’t a sign of support for my actions, I didn’t know what would be.
Air was barely meeting my lungs before I was panting it out again. I pinned him beneath me, pressing frantic kisses into his lips. I didn’t even notice him sneaking off my shirt until the fabric was whipped past my face. Palm spread wide on my heaving chest, he tilted his head as though he were studying the differences in our skin tones. Then he shifted to look me in the eyes, dragging his hand straight down my body and over my crotch. I bucked from the pressure, more sensitive there than I’d ever been before.
Seb used the moment of distraction to undo the button on my pants.
When my dick gave me back control of my brain, I took a shaky breath and tried to reevaluate where things were going.
“Really?” I blinked to the spastic rhythm of my pulse.
Maybe if I’d been a saint, I could’ve pulled back at this point…but lord knew I was no fucking saint.
“You really want to…to…”
While I floundered in search of words, Seb hooked a finger into both my pants and boxers and yanked them down.
Holy fuck. Who was this kid?
Smiling mischievously, he walked his fingers across my chest and stomach, stopping right above the dark mass of my pubes. I held my breath, desperately trying to keep from forcing him further down. But he was just so close—close enough that I really didn’t think it’d be such a crime if I accidentally twitched into his grip…
He pulled away. Latching onto a stripper pole, he shimmied upright. I suddenly had the crazy notion that he might break into a dance—not that that would be anything like him, but he wasn’t exactly being himself at the moment.
Turned out he’d stood so he could take off his own pants. They fell to the floor with a soft whoosh, leaving him in those too-big boxers. Then he lowered himself back down and nestled against my side, tilting my face so he could fill my mouth with lips and tongue.
Everything was perfect—every brush of his skin against mine, every moment I caught that expression of lust in his eyes before my own rolled back in my head. Everything-I’d-always-wanted-but-was-afraid-to-ask-for. And yet, the first real dose of fear crept in among the crazy desires that had overtaken my body. Things were moving really fast. And even though I was planning to go as far as Seb wanted,
I wasn’t entirely sure how to do that.
I knew how to have sex on auto-pilot—with a girl—but this was something completely different…and not just for the obvious anatomy reasons. It was different in the way my insides boiled, making me feverish, in the way I was violently gasping for breath between kisses, in the way I was clawing at his firm body, feeling like I’d never be able to touch him enough to satisfy the hunger.
None of that had ever happened before.
“Sebastian, I—”
His tongue tangled with mine, still sweet from the syrupy cola.
“Seb—”
More tongue. Apparently, talking was not meant to be part of this process.
He wiggled out of his boxers. Long, lean muscles tensed against my thighs as he shifted closer, causing my hand to land on his perfect ass.
Fuck talking about it. Going on impulse, I gripped a cheek firmly and pulled him toward me.
The closeness allowed me to feel his dick against my skin, and I had to peek down. I knew it was hard now—as hard as mine—but I hadn’t seen a lot of uncircumcised guys in real life. He seemed to notice my interest, and he stroked himself a few times, showing it off.
Now things were getting fucking insane. With my mouth hanging open, I almost drooled, and a little something else leaked out below.
Eager to get my own hands on him, I tried to take over, but he crawled out of reach. His mouth traveled from my lips to my chest, nipping and sucking at the skin as he continued to make his way down.
“Tea—” A shudder rocked my body. “Tease.”
His eyes flashed in defiance, and I had only a split-second to grasp his intention before he’d reached crotch level and pulled my entire length into his mouth.
“Ffffuhh…” I couldn’t even get out the k. And I’d had blowjobs before, but nothing, nothing like this. Never with such perfectly formed, strong lips moving up and down so smoothly, never with dark almond eyes staring at me so intensely I could actually feel the gaze searing my skin.
It was a miracle I didn’t come in the first five seconds, and an even bigger miracle I was able to gather the ability to speak. “Wh-what…what about…you? Sh-shouldn’t I…”
He eased off with one final lick. Then he abruptly flipped over, pulling me onto my side at the same time so he could rub his ass against my dick.
“Whoa…I dunno if we’re ready for all tha—”
He turned back around in a heartbeat, and our lips connected again. I didn’t have time to dwell on what he may or may not have been trying to do, because our bodies had had enough of the foreplay. Magnetic force drew us together and after the first taste of delicious all-over pressure, I climbed back on top of him, grinding into his hips, pushing for more heat and more friction with each thrust.
I tried to keep kissing him, but eventually the fire in my belly and groin was so intense my lips stopped performing and my mouth twisted into odd shapes. All I could do was pant for air and press harder and faster, fighting for a release that promised to be more spectacular than any I’d managed with some fantasy in my head. Because Seb was real and warm and alive, and he was moving at just the right speed, in just the right way, and I could smell his sweat and taste the salt on his skin…and I could just feel he wanted this as badly as I did.
With my senses so filled by him, it was only a minute before I shot out all over his stomach. He jerked under me a few thrusts later and did the same.
I tumbled back to the floor and lay beside him, staring up at the ceiling. Somehow, speaking didn’t seem right for the moment, so only the sounds of the cars traveling Lincoln Boulevard accompanied us as the tide of heat slowly faded away.
And I didn’t feel like talking, anyway, because talking would require thinking. For now I was happy just to believe in this miracle. Seb and I were together.
He nuzzled against my neck, his exhales keeping me from a chill despite the fact I was lying naked on a hardwood floor. After a while his breathing grew deeper and more regular, and I knew he’d fallen asleep. I crawled over to the couch to grab the blankets and returned to arrange our bedding around him. Then I wrapped him in my arms and gently kissed his parted lips.
I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to keep watching him all night, to catch every wiggle of his nose and every flutter of his lashes. To study the lines and curves of his body and memorize each birthmark and freckle. To lay my hand on his chest and feel his heartbeat march on, forever and ever.
And I wanted him to know he had changed my world.
As the last wisps of clear thought swirled through my mind, I wondered…is this what love feels like?
~*~
Thank God for rude LA drivers. Day had fully overtaken night when the honking woke me up.
Seb yawned and blinked sleepily. I was tempted to throw back the blankets so I could admire him naked in the light, but I settled for watching his lips curl into a soft smile.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” I blurted out, and then cringed. All right, so I wasn’t the most poetic person, but the meaning was still there.
I ran my hand through his silken hair, and he looked back at me with so much affection that all my sappy emotions from the night before came surging back. It was such a rush, I got light-headed, and thoughts trampled their way to my lips without much resistance.
“I think…I think I might be in love with you. Is that weird? Like too soon or something?”
His smile spread. Then he gently placed his palm against my chest and tapped once before he moved it to his own heart.
I love you too, Alex.
Grinning like a lunatic, I caught his hand and held it. “I know this is totally crazy…but…sometimes I feel like I can almost hear you.”
He nodded thoughtfully. Sometimes I feel like that, too.
“Whoa.” I’d never thought of his rare nods as thoughtful before. Without knowing why, I backed up a little.
His forehead creased. What’s wrong?
I didn’t say anything for a moment, as I studied the downward curve of his mouth and the questioning look in his eyes.
Something was different about him.
“You know…this guy I knew, he used to say he’d get flashbacks after he smoked some bad weed or something.” I chuckled nervously. “Wonder if that’s what’s making me imagine things.”
He rolled his eyes and shrugged, lips twisting to the side as his brows rose skeptically. If you say so.
That was it. His face.
All of it was alive, in a way I’d never witnessed before. New combinations of movements. New expressions. New reactions. New ways of showing understanding. Understanding.
Alex, what’s wrong?
Little wrinkles formed on the side of his eyes. His pupils darted back and forth as he looked me over for any clue to explain my sudden silence.
I scrambled away, grabbing my pants and pulling them on to cover myself up.
Alex?
“Stop.” I put a hand out to keep him from approaching with that puzzled expression. That expression that said I’m a completely sane human being, and you’re the one acting nuts right now. My heartbeat went into overdrive and my body broke into a sweat.
Stop what? He threw up his arms.
“Just…just stop.”
He kept coming anyway, so I snatched my t-shirt off the ground and went straight for the door. “I need to…get some air.”
Then I ran.
I flew down the steps and out of the building, and didn’t stop until I was safely tucked away in an alley, hidden behind a dumpster.
“What the fuck,” I mumbled, resting my head in my hands. And really, what…the…fuck. As in what the fuck was wrong with me?
I was scared shitless, apparently. And of course I knew I wasn’t actually hearing Seb, but I also knew that somehow, sometime during our night together, he’d changed.
Or maybe he hadn’t changed at all. Maybe he’d just chosen to reveal what had been there all along…which meant he’d seen me at my abs
olute lowest, and had understood every second of it.
But as terrifying as that thought was, it didn’t really explain my behavior…because he’d seen all that and still made it pretty clear he wanted to be with me. So why had a few twitches of his lips and creases in his face turned me into a cowardly freak? If some method of communication had been opened through the magical mixing of our come, you’d think I’d be fucking overjoyed, not crouching behind a dumpster in fear.
I tried to take a deep breath but stopped short, curling my nose at the scent of decaying roast beef tossed out by the nearby Arby’s.
Time to run through the facts. I could finally believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that Seb wasn’t retarded. I also knew he was gay or at least bi, and that he liked me. All really, really good facts.
So what exactly was my problem?
Fact number one, of course. Seb wasn’t retarded.
That should’ve been the best news of all, especially when put with the other two bits of information, but it wasn’t. That was what had me hiding in an alley that stunk of rotten food and urine.
Things were different now. Seb was no longer just a safe place for me to unload my problems. I couldn’t use him as my own personal mood-stabilizer…he had free will and would have his own desires, his own wants—and they probably wouldn’t always match with mine. He was capable of accepting me—or rejecting me—whenever he saw fit. He didn’t belong to me.
He was a whole person now.
I sank back into scum-hood when I realized that made me a little depressed. I couldn’t assume he’d always care for me the way he did today. He wasn’t a witless kid who gave out his loyalty like a friendly dog. There were no guarantees on his love.
Hell, he might’ve already changed his mind about me. After all, I’d just run off and left him alone in the middle of an unfamiliar place.
Jesus Christ.
I sprang up and raced back to the dance studio, nearly slamming into the door when I caught sight of him crouching outside the abandoned strip mall next door.
