by Sasha White
“Yes. I’d guess we’re looking at something that would mature in hours.” We went over to Ralph, who seemed about done with the digging. “What has Mommy’s precious puppy found?”
He gave me a dirty look, in more ways than one – his fur was covered with grime and loam. “About what you’d expect. All the usual insects with some specials thrown in. I figure we got here just in time – another thirty minutes and the first of them would have hatched.”
I trotted back to the S-Class and rummaged through the trunk until I found what I needed. Went back and tossed a can each to Freddy and Sexy Cindy. “Spray everything Ralph’s dug up and anything that looks like maybe he should have dug it up.”
Sexy Cindy looked at the can. “Insect Repellent – for bugs so tough you’d swear the Devil made them do it.” She snorted a laugh and shook her head. “Who names these products?”
I grinned. “Put it this way – he knew the power of words and hype when he was alive and beings don’t change that much over time, not even undead beings. Though he insists that, these days, one’s born a whole lot more than every minute.”
Freddy laughed. “P.T. Barnum?”
“One and the same, the greatest showman on the face of the Earth.” I liked P.T. He was a fun undead to hang around. I’d heard his hype for a long time now, but it never got old to me.
“Will we meet him?” Freddy asked.
“Not likely, not on this case, anyway. He doesn’t do field work, he’s R&D.”
“Research and development?” Sexy Cindy sounded confused. “Why would a circus man do that?”
“He’s not just a circus man, or one of the greatest marketing minds around. He’s an artist, but with words and images and things, and their effect on humans, demons, and many other beings. He teaches upper level classes at the University sometimes.” And I’d taken every one. Okay, I was a Barnum groupie. Was that so wrong?
Jude and I had fought about what he called my unhealthy fascination with P.T. and I called mild hero worship. It had never bothered Ken. I considered this while we sprayed a goodly portion of what might really be Nero’s side yard. Amanda thought it was because Ken was from a time when marketing had already permeated the human experience, and Jude wasn’t. I wasn’t so sure. I’d always gotten the feeling that Jude was jealous of my attraction to P.T. in a very boyfriend-jealous way. Which was funny. I wasn’t attracted to P.T. sexually – I just loved how his mind worked. And he was an astute student of the human animal and what drove it, and that was something you needed to have a good grasp of if you were going to be any kind of good cop.
While we sprayed Ralph sniffed the rest of the grounds. He came back as we finished up. All three cans were almost out of juice, there was that much to destroy.
“I think this was the only area,” Ralph said as he sat on his haunches. “Can’t figure out why, though.”
I looked around and studied the area. There wasn’t much of an obvious reason as I looked at street level. But I happened to look up. I pointed and the others looked the way I directed.
“Huh. Well, I think Nero might have concentrated here because it’s such a clear flight path up to the top of the hill.”
“And right to the Little Church,” Sexy Cindy added.
Ralph was growling and I was close. “Let’s go ask Nero some more questions, shall we?”
Chapter 50
We stormed inside the house, to hear Nero finishing up his homeowner’s tour. “So, you can see, I’ve really made this place my own.”
Jack looked bored out of his mind, and also frustrated. I raised my eyebrow and he shook his head. “He has the right papers to prove ownership. Could be forged or magically created, I can’t tell.”
“Well, real homeowner here or not, I’m sure the local Homeowner’s Association has a lot to say about the planting of dangerous pests with intent to send them right up to the big house of worship on the hill.”
Nero feigned innocence. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, I think you do. But, to be fair, we’ll take you in for questioning and let some of the beings more adept and dragging information out of suspects have some alone time with you.”
Nero looked nervous. “I think you need a warrant.”
“If I were arresting you as part of the Prosaic City P.D., yes, I would. Since I’m arresting you as part of Necropolis Enforcement, however, I need nothing more than the fact that I don’t like you.”
“Fascist,” he muttered.
“No, but speaking of which, is Hitler up at the church?”
He tried to control it – he kept most of his expression neutral. But his eyes opened a bit wider and his body jerked, just a little. “I have no idea.”
“You’re big on saying you don’t have any idea about anything. But Nero, my not-so-favorite ghoul, you’re an idea being. So, I’m betting you have a really good idea of what’s going on. Like who set the fake Hellfire perimeter.”
He shook his head. “I’m not saying another word.”
I considered our options. Continuing to question Nero could bear fruit, or it could just leave us barking up a very silent tree. I refused to just let him wander off because Yahweh only knew when we’d find him again or what he’d do. But my alternatives weren’t all that exciting. Tying him up just meant he’d get free in some way – I’d seen enough movies and heard enough stories to know that never worked. Taking him up the hill with us would give him a prime opportunity to advise the Forces of Darkness that we were coming, let alone allow him to mess things up in any way he could.
This left taking him the Headquarters. I was all over that possibility, but how was the really big question. Other than the five of us, our entire extended team were in some form of medical rehab, so I couldn’t really ask one of them to come on over and cover this. I doubted Jack, Freddy or Sexy Cindy could really find their way back to take Nero in safely, and Nero was a pro at exploiting weaknesses. Which would leave Ralph.
However, Ralph was my only truly trained operative. Sure, Jack was a great cop, but he was a human and we were about to face some serious minions. And I didn’t want him to get hurt. Freddy and Sexy Cindy were game and seemed willing, but they had no real training in how to use their undead powers. So, if I sent Ralph away, I was making my meager team even weaker.
I felt out of options. “We need to do something with him before we move on,” I said lamely, mostly to fill the silence.
“We could call for a car,” Jack suggested.
Ralph snorted. “You don’t want humans dealing with this one. Trust me.”
I nodded. “Ralph’s right.”
“Don’t you all have some sort of paddy wagon?” Sexy Cindy asked.
Ralph and I looked at each other. “Actually,” I said slowly, “we do.” It hadn’t occurred to me because they didn’t really work law enforcement so much as transportation. But they were on day shift duty under normal circumstances and they were always up for anything, and no one was ever able to put one past them – they’d seen and done enough when they were alive that nothing ever fooled them.
I hit the buttons on my wrist-com for the Tour Bus. “Yo,” a man’s sexy voice replied. “Vic, baby, what’s up?”
“Merc, are you and L.K. available?”
“For you, darling, always.”
“I need a perp taken into Headquarters. He’s slippery and trouble, and I need it done with some semblance of speed and subtlety.”
Merc chuckled. I heard L.K. in the background. “Is it needful circumstances?”
I controlled the sigh. These two did have their little quirks. “Yes, King, it is.” I knew what was expected. Fortunately, it was easy in this case. “No lazing on a Sunday afternoon for you two.”
They both laughed. “Love working with you, darling,” Merc said. “We aiming for your mark?”
“Please. By the way, we’re in the Estates.
“I could tell.”
“Yes, but here’s the thing. It loo
ks surrounded by Hellfire, but it’s not real.”
“You want us to take your word and risk unlife and limb to cross what could be the most deadly thing out there?”
“Yeah. I figure it’ll be a nice flashback for both of you. Not like your human lives were exactly dull and full of boredom.”
“You do know how to entice, don’t you darling? Be there in two shakes of my tail.” Both of them were laughing as Merc signed off.
My wrist-com went dead. Jack cocked his head. “Let me guess – Elvis is on his way?”
“Not…quite.” I went to the front door and waited. True to their reputations, they were as fast as lightning. The Tour Bus flew up the street and came to a screeching halt in front of what might really be Nero’s house. I was fairly sure no one had noticed them – the Tour Bus had a good spell on it. Human’s only saw it when they needed to.
The Tour Bus really looked like a tour bus, for some obvious reasons. It was a little longer and wider than normal, but nothing that couldn’t drive on a human street without too much notice. Well, as long as no one noticed what was painted on the sides. Merc and L.K. liked their fun, after all.
“Ride with the best Little Devils anywhere,” Jack read aloud. “You called in evil demons?”
I snorted. “Hardly. They just have an interesting sense of humor.”
Two beings slid out of the Bus. Literally. They were both wraiths now, and they only used doors if they had to. Wraiths are more powerful than ghosts – they have more of their human abilities with them, and can go solid if necessary. Plus, no icky ectoplasm smell. Of course, with these two, if they had smelled, they’d have found a way to counter it or, more likely, bottled it as the scent to attract the girls and boys.
“That’s not Elvis,” Jack hissed at me as the wraiths solidified, touched ground, and sauntered over.
“Nope.”
Merc laughed at the expressions on Jack, Freddy and Sexy Cindy’s faces. “You didn’t tell them, darling?” He gave me a big hug.
“It’s so much more fun to initiate this way.”
“How’s Fangs doing?” Merc asked, as he let me go and L.K. gave me a hug.
“Maurice is okay. Well, as okay as the rest of our team is.”
“There’s big trouble going on?” L.K. asked, voice as smooth as single malt scotch.
“Yeah, there is.” I gave them the fast highlights, reassured Merc that Maurice was really okay, and stressed that they were here for transportation assistance only.
“Sounds like you might need us to do more than just drive,” L.K. said, looking and sounding worried.
“L.K., you guys are the greatest but you’re not trained. I’m working with enough non-Enforcement personnel already.”
“Why do you call him L.K.?” Jack asked finally. “And not Jim?”
Merc and L.K. grinned. I shrugged. “He really is the Lizard King.”
“And I’m not into titles all that much,” L.K. added. “But there are some undeads…well, you know…it’s easier if they don’t know where you are at any given time.”
“Groupies hard to shake in unlife, too?” Sexy Cindy asked dryly.
“You know it.” L.K. gave her a long, appraising look. “But, your Lizard King is always willing to make an exception for lovely and lonely succubae.”
She snorted. “I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Do.” L.K. looked at me. “And, of course, any time you’re ready, babe. You have the open invitation.”
Jack glared and Ralph growled. I just laughed. “And I appreciate it, too.”
Freddy was staring at Merc like he was seeing a ghost. Which, I guess, he sort of was. “That’s…you’re…this is Freddy Mercury,” he choked out finally.
Merc nodded. “In the not-flesh, darling.” He cocked his head. “You were a fan?”
Freddy nodded. “The biggest.”
“A theology professor who was into Queen?” I wondered if I’d heard everything now, and figured I hadn’t.
Freddy shook his head. “The insinuation that rock and roll was the Devil’s music always seemed unfounded to me.”
Merc and L.K. grinned at each other. “Oh, Satan did have a lot to do with it,” Merc said.
“He’s a cool dude,” L.K. agreed.
Jack cleared his throat. “Anyone here want to help us get Nero into custody? Anyone at all?”
“What’s the rush?” Merc asked. “Armageddon has a build, darling. There’s still time to avert it.”
“Says a dead rock star,” Jack muttered.
“Undead,” Merc corrected. He stared at Jack for a few long moments. Then he pulled me aside. “Why is he along?”
“He’s my human partner. He’s handling all of this really well.”
“And you’re sleeping with him.”
“How can you tell?”
He shrugged. “I can tell. Anyway, I don’t like him. And I know Jimmy doesn’t either.” Merc only called L.K. “Jimmy” when he was making the point that he was talking in a very personal way and about personal things.
L.K. joined us. “I agree with Freddy. This one. Not his zombie namesake.” And, similarly, if L.K. was calling Merc “Freddy”, they were both making it clear that they weren’t kidding around. At all.
“What’s wrong with him?” I asked a little more defensively than I wanted.
Merc shook his head. “I don’t know. But…something’s off.”
“Like what and how do you mean?”
“He’s hiding something,” L.K. said. “You know, we spent our human lives around people who were hiding their real intentions.”
“Or what they really were,” Merc added. “And, the Gods and Monsters know we spent our own time hiding things, too. Darling, I know you like him, I mean, I have working eyes, what’s not to drool over, right? But….”
“Something’s off,” L.K. finished for him. “In fact, it’s off enough that we’re coming back, once we get rid of your perp.”
“Guys, really, you’re not trained. And I think we’re going up against all the big minions.”
“And you’re going up against them with someone backing you we both feel is hiding something,” Merc said. “It’s decided. We’ll be back.”
“Now,” L.K. said briskly. “Who are we taking in?”
How they’d missed Nero I couldn’t figure. I sighed and looked around – and resisted the urge to curse impressively. “Are you kidding me? Jack! Where in the depths of Hell is Nero?”
We all looked. Sure enough, the little weasel was gone.
Chapter 51
Ralph and I both sniffed the air. “He’s heading up the hill,” Ralph called as he took off.
“Follow that werewolf!” I shouted.
Jack ran for the S-Class. “The keys are gone!”
Oh, right. I had them. I was about to say so, when Merc grabbed me. “Come on, we’ll take the Bus.”
L.K. floated into the bus and opened the door for those of us still corporeally challenged. “Our weapons are in the trunk,” I said as Merc shoved me in. He rolled his eyes and went to the back of the bus.
The others were behind me so I sort of had to get on board. The Bus was nice. L.K. hadn’t had it this plush in his day, but Merc had seen plenty before he left the human plane, and it was all here. They even had a hot tub. Not that I felt now was an appropriate time to try it out.
“Full bar?” Sexy Cindy asked as she looked around and headed for one of the more plush and comfy Captain’s chairs. “We get to drink as undeads?”
I coughed. “I do.”
“Why don’t I?” She was back to defensive.
I shrugged. “Succubae don’t…eat or drink.”
“Say what?”
“Now probably isn’t the time,” Jack said as the Bus lurched and he fell onto a couch. “Vic, sit down.”
I would have, and almost had no choice as Freddy flew past me and, thankfully, landed in another Captain’s chair. But Merc wasn’t in the Bus, and L.K. was peeling out like he’s been
a NASCAR driver, not a rock star.
One of the benefits of going from two feet to four feet on a regular basis was that your balance became exceptionally good. I was able to maneuver to the back of the bus without too much issue.
To see the S-Class flying along behind us. Backwards.
As I gaped, Merc floated in next to me.
“How –?”
“We have a towing cable. Not all undeads are without their own transportation, you know.” He grinned at my expression while I wondered if I looked as dumb as I felt. “I love the ability to shock anyone in Necropolis Enforcement. It’s a good day.”
“It’s probably not going to stay that way.”
He shrugged as we made our way up front. He leaned down when he reached Sexy Cindy. “They tell you that wraiths, ghosts, succubae, and our related undead brethren can’t eat or drink. They lie, pretty baby…they lie. We don’t need to eat, but we sure can still enjoy it – if properly prepared.”
Sexy Cindy shot me a dirty look. “Hey, I just go by what they tell me,” I said. They could eat? Really? This particular case was full of fun, new, interesting facts. I found myself wishing I could go to sleep and process even one of them. I moved my mind off how many hours I’d been awake and considered the benefits of tossing some chow down my gullet before I keeled over.
Merc seemed to read my mind. He opened the impressive fridge and tossed me an entire ham. “Enjoy.” He handed Sexy Cindy and Freddy something, too, but I was too busy wolfing to pay a lot of attention. “I have nothing a human can eat,” he said to Jack. “Sorry.” Merc didn’t sound sorry, but I chose not to mention it.
“Not a problem,” Jack said. “I snagged a snack while Nero was giving me the full-on home tour. That should be grounds for arrest, right there.”
“Huh.” Merc looked back at me. “Ralph need a meal?”
“I have no idea, but I’d figure it couldn’t hurt.” Werewolves needed to eat a lot and even if Ralph had pigged out at the hospital, which I doubted, it had been too long and we’d been too active, him in particular.
