Hayden was right, I could do this.
Joe
Where the hell was Hayden? And where was my phone? I was back behind the bar after spending forty-five minutes in the storeroom trying to sort out the mess that was made on the delivery. It shouldn’t have taken that long, but the only thing I could concentrate on was Maggie. She had promised to call me when she got home and I hadn’t heard from her since she called from the cab.
I’d called several times with no answer and I was worried sick. Had something happened to her? Was she okay?
When the door opened I jerked my head up and saw Hayden walking toward the bar. He raised his arm and waggled my phone, giving me the thumbs up sign with his other hand. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maggie was okay, thank God. Hayden tossed the phone on the bar and I slid a cold one into his waiting hand. I placed both hands on the bar and looked expectantly at Hayden.
“Well?”
“She’s okay, man. I talked to her…” he nodded once, “and she’s okay.” Hayden picked up his bottle and took a drink, then set it down on the bar and began to spin it around in small circles while he picked at the label.
“Why didn’t she answer the phone? Why didn’t she call? Did she say?”
“She’s got some stuff she needs to talk to you about, it’s personal stuff. She got a letter from her dad and it upset her. We talked for a while and she’s calmed down, she’s better. She’s going to call you after she gets a shower.”
“Okay. Did she say why the letter upset her? Is everything okay with her family?” I hated that she was so far away and upset. I felt useless behind this bar.
“It’s hard to explain, man. She’ll tell you everything when she calls. It will be better to hear it from her. I’m a good listener, just not so great at re-telling. She said give her about thirty minutes.”
“Thanks for talking with her, man, I appreciate it. I hate that I missed her call.”
“No problem, loser. Get me another beer.”
I gave Hayden a pointed look. “Loser?”
Hayden shrugged.
“Ass.”
“That seems to be the consensus.”
“Huh? Maggie thinks you’re an ass?”
“No. Beth.”
“What exactly is going on between you two?” I asked as I walked to the cooler to grab Hayden another beer. Popping the cap off, I slid the bottle across the bar to him.
He had already finished the first beer, and wasted no time starting on the second. Just when I thought he was going to respond my cell phone rang. I turned so quickly that I tripped over the floor mat trying to get to it. Hayden snickered and I gave him the middle finger as I rushed to grab the phone before it went to voice mail.
“Hello? Maggie? Are you okay? What happened? I’ve been worried about you!” I blurted out.
Cool as a cucumber.
“Joe, yes, it’s me. I’m fine.”
“Hold on, sweetheart, I’m gonna go back to the office so we can talk.” I held the phone against my chest, and asked Pete to cover the bar for me and headed to the back.
“Okay, Maggie, you still there?”
“I am.”
“Hayden said you got a letter from your dad and it upset you? Is everything okay?”
“Well,” she said sadly, “I haven’t actually read it yet.”
“So what upset you? I think I’m confused.”
“I know, Joe. I’m confused too, trust me. Before I try to explain can you do me a favor?”
“Of course, what can I do?”
“I need to open this letter and actually read it. Can you stay on the phone with me while I do that first? Then I’ll tell you everything, if you have time.”
“Go ahead, Maggie, open the letter. I’m not going anywhere.”
Maggie
I breathed in deeply through my nose and closed my eyes. On the exhale out, I could feel my pulse slow down. I could hear Joe on the other end of the line breathing too. He patterned his breathing with mine, breath for breath. For a moment I forgot that he wasn’t sitting right beside me because I felt as close to him as I ever had; maybe more. He was my anchor, keeping me steady in the storm of emotions that blew through me. Knowing this, and feeling his presence, I was able to do something I’d never been able to do before... open a letter from my father.
I removed the folded paper from the envelope and opened my eyes. Unfolding the piece of paper in my hand I began to read…
Dear Maggie,
I’ve written four letters to you in the past couple of years. All four were returned unopened, with the words RETURN TO SENDER - NOT AT THIS ADDRESS in your handwriting. I understand that you don’t want to hear from me and I don’t blame you. But I have to keep trying, so I’m sending letter number five and hoping it doesn’t come back to me too.
I need to see you, to apologize to you; it’s part of my 12-steps. I completed AA a couple of years ago. I don’t expect you to be proud of me or to want to be part of my life. I gave up that right a long time ago when I shut you out. But I hope you will give me the chance to apologize to you, in person. I don’t want to do it in a letter or over the phone. I still live in our old house, although you might not recognize it. I’ve done some work this past year and rebuilding the house has helped me as I rebuild my life.
I’m taking pictures again. I hope to hear from you soon, Maggie.
Dad
He had written his phone number at the bottom of the letter. I put the letter back inside the envelope, not sure how I felt. Numb maybe? I remember the first letter I ever got from him. The first letter I sent back to him. I remember wondering why after all that time he was trying to reach out to me, when it was too late. I had already sealed up the pieces he hadn’t broken and locked them away. I couldn’t let him back in my life for fear he would break what was left of me. I protected myself the only way I knew how. Returning the letters was my way of doing to him what he had done to me. I ignored him, and that helped me feel safe from him.
“Maggie?” Joe asked. “You okay?”
“Yeah. It’s okay. He wants to see me. He wants to apologize.”
“Apologize?”
“Yeah, it’s a long story, Joe. I’ll give you the quick version.”
“Okay, babe. Let’s hear it.”
I told Joe everything. The quick version rapidly turned into the long version.
“After my mom left us, my father stopped talking to me, and when I say he stopped talking to me, I mean it was like I was invisible. He was there, and he wasn’t there, you know? He checked out. I would come home from school and make up stories, complete fabrications just so I would have something to talk to him about. He would sit in his recliner and keep his eyes closed the whole time. The only time he would speak to me was to tell me to clean up his spilled beer or fix him something to eat, and even that was rare. He would rather drink than eat. I remember one day I came home from school and showed him an F I had gotten on a test. I had flunked that test on purpose because I hoped that he would get mad at me. I thought if he got mad then that meant he cared and didn’t want me getting bad grades. There was a brief moment where I thought I would get a reaction from him, but all he said was, ‘Bad grades don’t mean anything to me. I don’t care,’ and then he took a drink from his bottle and closed his eyes again, pretending to go back to sleep. He gave up on me, and then, I gave up on him. At some point, I quit trying.”
“What did your dad do for a living? He must have had a job at least, right?”
“He was a photographer. A really good one. He even stopped caring about that, and he only worked enough to keep the roof over our heads, and the refrigerator stocked with alcohol. Our house was nice, nothing fancy, but mom was the one who kept it clean. Once she was gone everything seemed to grow dingy. The furniture got worn out and the walls needed painting. It was like he didn’t notice, or didn’t care. Caleb and I handled the household duties as much as we could after school each day, and on the weekends Caleb would cut the grass and
I would sweep the porch and the walkway. We did what we could. We were kids, though, and there was only so much we could do. When I was old enough, I got a job after school to pay for my own clothes and things I needed. I never asked him for money. I learned to depend on myself at a very early age.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt.” Joe’s voice came out strained, foreign sounding. I didn’t mean to upset him. I only wanted to give him a little piece of me because it made me feel closer to him.
“I’m okay, Joe. I just wanted to explain why the letter upset me. It was a door I thought had been closed…you know? It caught me off guard, I guess. Getting that letter was like being kicked in the stomach, a reminder of a time when I was nobody to anyone.”
“Baby...” It was a whisper, “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. Thank you for listening.”
I’d never shared so much of my childhood with anyone and talking about it with him was gratifying. It did my heart so much good to talk about it. So much of the anger and hurt I’d trapped inside when I shut myself off, boarded up my heart, was finally able to escape in a constructive way and I felt buoyant with that weight lifted.
“So, are you going to go?”
I sighed deeply. Was I? “I don’t know, Joe. I don’t know if I can go back there.”
“Maggie, I think you should go. I know I don’t have a right to an opinion on this, but I really think it will be good for you. He wants to apologize to you and he should, you deserve that.”
“I hadn’t really thought of it that way. You’re right. I need to do it, and then I never have to go there again if I don’t want to.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re sweet.”
“Well, that goes without saying.”
“And humble.”
“Don’t forget good looking and witty.”
“And desperately needed back at the bar,” I reminded him.
“Good one, Maggie. You’re probably right about that. Are you good?”
“I am. Thank you so much for listening and for sitting with me while I read the letter. You better get back to work, I’m going to go lie down.”
“Get some rest, Maggie, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“I’m always going to be here for you.”
“Always?”
“Always. You will never have to wonder again if someone loves you. And loving you, Maggie, it’s so damn easy. I love you more than anything.”
For the first time in my life I truly felt loved. It had only taken me twenty-seven years, but here I am. You could knock me over with a feather and I wouldn’t care. I was going to enjoy this feeling.
“I love you too, Joe.”
“Sweet dreams, Maggie.”
“Sweet dreams.”
We hung up and I thought about everything that had happened in the past week. I’d flown to Nashville and spent a wonderful Christmas vacation with friends; I’d met Joe’s family and grown closer to him, flown back to Colorado and had an emotional breakdown, spilled my guts to Hayden then talked to Joe, giving him my life story, and with his help, decided to go see my father who I hadn’t spoken to in years. No wonder I was exhausted. I would sleep well tonight for sure.
I poured a glass of wine and had a few crackers with cheese while I checked my work email and calendar. I was scheduled to shoot engagement pictures for a really sweet couple tomorrow afternoon so that would give me some time to recuperate after a good night’s sleep. I cleaned up the kitchen, turned off the lights and had started down the hall to the bedroom when I turned back around and picked up the letter from my dad. I carried it with me to the bedroom and placed it on the nightstand. He went to AA, I couldn’t believe it; and I was proud of him, which I also couldn’t believe. It had been a strange Christmas vacation. The New Year was only a few more days away and I had a feeling this coming year would be the best year of my life. If I went to see my father, I could lock the door to that part of my life, or depending on the outcome, consider opening the door for the first time in a very long while. I would just have to make myself actually do it this time.
I fell asleep with a silent prayer that I could.
Joe
I held up a set of keys to Hayden. I had called him this morning and asked him to come over.
“What’s this for?”
“They’re the bar keys. I need a favor.”
Hayden took the keys from me. “What do you need?”
“I need you to open the bar.” I then handed him the piece of paper in my hand. “This is the work schedule. Make sure you give it to Brice when you see him.”
“Where are you going?”
“To see Maggie.”
“And you decided to do this…when?”
I stopped packing my bag and looked at him. He was standing with his arms folded with a huge grin on his face. “I’ve been toying with the idea for a couple of days, and after talking to her last night I decided to get serious about it.”
Maggie had been gone for four weeks, and for four weeks I’d been going out of my mind. I missed her. I missed her smart mouth and the way she got riled up whenever I intentionally provoked her. That thought alone prompted a mischievous smirk to tug on the corners of my mouth. I’d played the secret recording I had made of her talking and laughing at my parents’ house at least a million times over the past month; it made me smile and it hurt my heart. Also, she was going to see her dad and I felt like I should be there for her after that. I turned around to grab a couple of shirts from my closet. “I want to surprise her though, so she doesn’t know I’m coming.”
“So you’re just gonna show up on her doorstep and say…what? Honey, I’m home?”
I stopped packing again and turned to face him. “Colorado isn’t home for me and I don’t even think that it’s home for her either. It’s just where she’s been living. Home is here, with me.” I turned back around to shove some more clothes into my bag.
“Have y’all discussed that yet?”
“What?”
“Where home is?”
I took a minute to think about that. I sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed my face, and breathed out a sigh. “No. We haven’t. That’s one of the things we still need to discuss.”
“Look, I don’t want you making any rash decisions. I know I’m the one that said distance shouldn’t be a reason not to get to know each other, and that all of that can be worked out later, but Maggie does have a career and a home in Colorado, so this isn’t something you can decide today and then act on tomorrow.”
“She has an apartment in Colorado. That doesn’t make it a home. And she used to share that with Lily. Lily is here now. I am here now. Everyone who cares about her is here. I know she has a career there, but she can be a photographer anywhere. I want her with me.”
“Dude, why don’t you just smack her over the head with a club and bring her back to your cave? Do you hear yourself?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, and then felt my shoulders slump when I brought my hands back down and rested my elbow on my knees.
Fuck.
“You’re right. I sound like an ass.”
“Well, you always sound like an ass.” Hayden chuckled. “I’m only trying to get you to slow down a bit and let her tell you how she feels about where she might want to live.”
“What if she doesn’t choose me?” I mumbled.
“What?”
I lifted my head so I could see Hayden’s face when I repeated it. “What if she doesn’t choose me?”
Hayden frowned and then shook his head. “I don’t know, man. But why the sudden urgency to figure this all out today?”
I stood up quickly and slapped my palm over my chest. “Because I feel like I’m living on the edge of a fucking dream. Like I’ll wake up any minute and none of this will be real. If I can see her and touch her then I know I’m not dreaming it! Right now, I’m going out of my damn mind missing
her.” I blew out a frustrated breath and clutched my hands around the back of my head while I paced back and forth. I felt like I was falling apart without her.
Hayden was quiet. I expected something from him though. Sarcasm …something. Finally he spoke.
“Then tell her that. Tell her what you told me.”
I sat down on the chair in the corner of my room. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
“I know. That’s how you know it’s not a dream. This is as real as it gets. Now, are you gonna sit there or are you gonna to go get your girl?”
I stared at the toe of my boot and said, “I’m gonna go get my girl.”
Sitting in the airport waiting to catch my flight seemed a bit surreal. A few weeks ago I was here dropping Maggie off, wondering when I was going to see her again, and in only a few short hours I’d be staring at her beautiful face.
The last few weeks had been agonizing. I won’t lie. I had talked to her every day since she left, and being able to hear her voice was like a soothing balm to my soul. That’s not enough for me anymore. I need her here, her physical presence. It’s not even a choice anymore. It feels more and more like a deep need that goes straight to my bones. I’m only half of me without her. I’m not whole when she’s not around. I can’t even put my finger on the exact moment that everything changed for me, all I know is that it did change, so that’s why I’m sitting here grinding my teeth and checking my watch repeatedly for the minutes to tick by.
Fucking time. It never seems to be on my side.
I took out my phone and pulled up the text messages from Maggie and re-read the ones where she told me she loves me. I’ve read these messages probably a hundred times, and still every time I read them it’s like the first time. I played the voice recording from Christmas week a couple of times too, keeping the volume low and holding the phone to my ear. Knowing I would see her later made my heart do backflips.
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