by Nancy Adams
Brain cancer... inoperable... three weeks....
He hadn’t slept much at all, those last weeks. Their last moments together. Even when Hannah slept, Eli was awake. He needed to fight for her when she was too weak to fight herself, but he felt so helpless, so out of control. So completely useless.
They’d thought they would live their entire lives together. He used to imagine them sitting on their porch as they grew old, holding hands, watching as the glossy waves rose and fell endlessly on the welcoming shore. He wished time could stand still, and that he could stay in that time forever. But he couldn't. It was gone. She was gone.
Eli thought he could never love so passionately ever again. It was why he’d refused so many dates, why he’d been cold, even rude, to so many girls. He was trying to protect himself. His heart could only take so much, and they could never offer him what Hannah had. It would be better for everyone if they left him alone.
But all that had just changed. Seeing that girl with Molly yesterday had ignited something inside him.
Abby.
He couldn't get the name out of his head, and last night, had reluctantly admitted to himself he would be excited to see her again.
But was that okay? Was he allowed to move on, to feel again? The scars were still fresh, and he was terrified of opening those wounds again. This time, the pain would kill him.
And yet, there was something about her. Something different than the other girls he'd seen here before. Something only one other woman he’d known had possessed. Hannah.
No—you've only seen this girl once. Don't disrespect Hannah like that. What she had was special. One-of-a-kind!
The harshness of his thoughts caught even him off guard. Where had that come from? He’d been thinking long enough. He needed to move around before he drove himself crazy.
Eli walked into the bathroom, and turned the shower on as hot as it could go. If he couldn't think his problems away, maybe he could melt them. He stripped, then stepped inside and put his head under the water. Hot steam engulfed him. He focused on his breathing, and attempted to clear his mind.
He closed his eyes, removing himself from his surroundings. Just existing, without worry or purpose. Systematically eliminating thought after thought, until only one remained. A name.
Abby.
Interlude one
Six Months Ago.
THE AIR CONDITIONING WAS BUSTED again. It was warm out, even for late October, and beads of sweat collected at Abby’s hairline, running slowly down her forehead before they were swiftly wiped away by a cloth she kept next to her. She didn't want any sweat in the dinner she was preparing, especially not in the last of the vegetables she was chopping up. Abby didn't complain, though. Given the choice, she would rather be hot than cold.
Tucker had been meaning to fix the unit for weeks, but hadn’t gotten around to it yet. Abby had brought it up once before, but he didn't like to be nagged—and she wasn't going to make that mistake again.
A slower pace was a part of life here, though. It was both good and bad. Abby had never dreamed she would live in Texas one day, engulfed by the heat and stranded in the middle of a sea of dirt. Barren land as far as the eye could see.
She liked the ocean. Liked the mountains. She liked to explore and hike and experience the beauty of nature firsthand. But that was impossible here. There were no adventures to be had in a desert.
It's all worth it, she told herself. But the idea was quickly losing its appeal.
Still, Texas was better than New York, with her parents. Abby had never gotten along with them well, and their relationship had grown particularly bumpy when she told them she was moving to be closer to Tucker. Her parents didn’t like her boyfriend.
In fact, looking back, it was probably just as important to prove her parents wrong as it was to prove herself right. She didn't like them making choices for her, and it drove her away.
Tucker wasn't perfect, but neither were they—at least he listened to what she said, and was there for her when she needed him. Her parents had missed important events in her life, because of business, like when she got that lead role in the church play. But Tucker had been there, in the front row, cheering loudly.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
The oven notified Abby, aggressively, that her casserole was ready. She’d forgotten to set the timer for her first test round the day before, and that one had burnt to a crisp in the oven’s fiery heart. She fumbled for a glove, a harsh blast of heat welcoming her as she peeked inside.
Perfect.
four
ABBY WOKE UP DISORIENTED and sore. She hadn't even pulled up the covers the night before, and now her back ached, and she felt an icy chill throughout her body. She wanted nothing more than to lie back down—under the covers, this time—and pretend yesterday, or her whole life, had never happened. It would be so much easier.
And she almost did—but then she thought of Melody.
Melody.
She’d been so wrapped up in her thoughts she’d completely forgotten their engagement. Guilt pooled in her stomach. Not only had she all but run out of the house ten minutes after getting there, she’d also stood her grandmother up for tea. Even worse was the fact that Melody had set up her room so nicely while she was out. Probably too excited to wait for Abby to come back.
Her stomach knotted.
Abby hauled herself out of bed and down the old wooden steps, but Melody was already up and working on breakfast.
The entire house warmed with the smell of eggs, perfectly crisped bacon, and toast. It was overwhelming in the best sense of the word.
Melody turned when Abby came into the kitchen. “Look who's up,” she said. “I thought I was going to have to call the coroner to come and haul away your body.”
Melody's humor lifted Abby's spirits, but only for a moment. “I'm so sorry Grandma. It's just, I ran into Molly, and we went to eat and ended up talking and talking, and... I’m sorry, I guess I just lost track of time.”
Melody's face straightened, and she walked over and took Abby into her arms. “You never have to apologize to me, sweetheart. I'm just glad you had a good time.”
When she pulled away, the smile Abby saw on her face was genuine; Melody wasn’t holding a grudge. The hug, too, made Abby feel better. Normally she didn't like physical affection—something that only got worse after the fire. After Tucker. But her grandma was different. She’d always had this way of making Abby feel safe, in a way that no one else did. Especially her parents. It was this quality that initially drew Abby towards Melody, that made this house her favorite place on earth. Before long, the draw had become a habit, and something she hoped to do for the rest of her life.
“Thanks Grandma,” she smiled. “Can I make that date up to you now?”
Melody paused, then scrunched up her face as though making one of the most toughest decisions of her life. Then she let out a slow chuckle.
“I'd love too.”
She directed Abby toward the table, toward a plate of eggs and bacon and toast and—Abby smiled—a pot of freshly-brewed tea.
As they ate, they talked, but even with the tea it wasn’t entirely like the old days. There was a time Abby had told her grandmother everything, but sometimes you had to protect the ones you loved. Even if it meant truth became a casualty.
* * * * *
Abby really didn't want to leave again after breakfast, especially after being so rude the day before, but Melody insisted it was fine. Said it was almost time for her nap anyway.
Melody had never used to take naps, even as she started getting older, which made the fact that she needed them now slightly concerning. Abby swore she would convince Melody to go to the doctor’s soon, but until then, she had some things she needed to do.
First up: Chuck’s Bait & Tackle shop. The man himself was a Treasure Bay legend, born and raised here and the one to go to if you wanted to have a good time—not in a bad way. Molly had said he was looking for extra help—and the meeting we
nt wonderfully. Abby had sort of expected it—as a teenager she’d spent countless weekend nights babysitting his two boys, and knew that she’d already earned Chuck's trust. It was enough for a job. He was thrilled to see her after so many years, and the timing, he said, couldn't have been more perfect. Summer was fast approaching, and with it a horde of tourists just “itchin to bait some fish!” He gave her the job on the spot, and told her to come in first thing next morning. She would be preparing bait and cleaning off the kayaks he rented. Not glamorous work, but any job was a blessing when she was running so low on cash.
After that, she met up with Molly. She was so tired of feeling alone and isolated, and a familiar face was just what she needed. And even though Molly could be a chatterbox, she didn't have a negative bone in her body, and truly cared for Abby. And Abby trusted her. She hadn’t trusted anyone but her grandmother in a long, long time. And it was nice, too, just to wander along the coast, digging her feet in the sand, heading slowly toward the pier.
It was a beautiful day, and it felt as though summer had truly come. The sky was clear, and the sun today was comforting instead of punishing, the sand much easier on her leg than the pavement had been the day before. She’d been anxious, at first, when Molly brought up the idea of heading toward the beach, all that exposed skin and vulnerability was something she didn't feel ready to face. Maybe something she'd never be ready for again. But it was a perfect day for the beach, and even if she had to stay covered up, she could still try and enjoy herself.
Even if plenty of others had made the same decision. As they approached, Abby saw the coast was sprinkled with people as far as the eye could see. Tourists, locals, families, couples, even a few street performers. Everyone was out. Everything was open.
Abby hesitated, but before she could back off and say she’d changed her mind, Molly grabbed her hand and urged her forward.
“Come on!”
Abby didn't pull away, but she also didn't share in Molly's enthusiasm. She grasped her hip, feeling as though everyone could see through her shorts to what lay literally burned into her skin.
Molly didn't stop, and soon Abby realized they were heading straight for the water, where her white blouse would be soaked through and reveal the past for everyone to see.
In a moment, all the anxiety she’d soothed away during their walk flooded back in. Panic. Her body devoured by fear. Just feet from the shoreline, Abby tore her arm free and stopped dead in her tracks.
Molly stopped a few steps later, by then already ankle deep in the Pacific. “What's wrong?”
Abby opened her mouth, but what could she say? The truth? That she had a massive, disgusting scar spanning her entire left hip? That the only person she’d ever been in love with, one of the only people she’d ever fully trusted, had betrayed her? That even the thought of people finding out caused her to break into hives? The truth? No, the truth was far too ugly... just as ugly as the awful evidence of her past burned into her skin, evidence she was now desperate to keep hidden.
Anything but that.
“Uhh... I'm sorry. It's just, I can’t do cold water.”
Molly looked at her, eyebrows raised in suspicion. Abby tried to relax. She shrugged, as if to say, it is what it is.
“Alright... if you say so,” Molly said eventually, after a long, awkward silence.
“It's fine, I just want to sit in the sun anyway.”
Molly obviously wasn’t convinced, but she also didn’t hold onto things for very long. She simply shrugged her shoulders and ran out into the crashing waves. Enjoying herself in spite of Abby's weirdness.
Abby retreated about a dozen yards, back to where the sand was still dry. She sat down, not caring if her shorts got dirty. Better dirty than wet. All around her couples teased and played with each other, in the water and on the sand. It amazed Abby how happy they all looked. How free. How wanted.
She used to be like them. Once she too was happy and in love. Thinking she had the world figured out, and that life would be smooth sailing from there on out. But she’d been wrong. So wrong. Her whole life had changed in an instant. The one she loved became the one she was afraid of, his face showing up in nightmares instead of dreams.
Tucker.
How could she have been so stupid? How could she not have seen the signs? As Tucker got into harder and more intense drugs, he became more violent, and less of the man she’d fallen in love with. But she couldn't let go, and it had ruined her. She touched her calf, then her hip.
Never again.
No matter how deep the passion, or how great the desire, she must never give in to another man. Never open up her heart so completely, or with such abandon. As much as she longed for intimacy, it simply wasn’t an option anymore; she’d had her chance and she’d ruined it—he’d ruined it. And she would never take a chance like that again.
She let out a deep sigh, the breeze off the incoming tide blowing the hair out of her face. She thought about her past, and then her future. What could it have in store for her? But it was better just to focus on the moment. The moment right here that she found herself in. Enjoying this gorgeous day, with someone who didn't try to pry and fix her life.
five
THE OLD FORD PICKUP GROANED and coughed as it drifted to a halt. Pushing Rudy’s nose away, Eli killed the ignition, but the engine roared on with a mind of its own. He'd been meaning to buy a replacement, but couldn't let it go. He was afraid the memories would go along with it, memories that were attached as tightly as the steering wheel. The money he’d poured in to keep her running was more than the cost of an upgrade, but Eli was well aware there were some things in life money couldn't buy, and were worth holding on to.
He popped the emergency brake, just in case, and took a second to admire the view. He'd been lucky to find someone leaving just as he’d pulled into the lot. Perfect timing. He now sat just feet away from the start of the beach, with nothing to obscure his view of the ocean.
This was the first really nice day of the season, and the beach was packed. The water was finally warm enough for the less devoted novice surfers to be out too. Some of the more passionate, mostly locals, didn't care how cold the water was, and rode as long as the waves were good.
Eli swung his door open, careful not to hit the luxury sedan to his left. Rudy immediately leapt across his lap and out the open door, nearly slamming his head into the sedan. Rudy had a way of getting too excited about things, and nothing excited him more than a day at the beach. He ran full out toward the beach, stopping halfway down to the water and then turning back with a huge slobber-caked grin on his face, tail going furiously.
Eli liked to come here with Rudy when he wasn't working, regardless of the weather. He liked to walk the shore and listen to the thundering waves. Watching the tide rise and fall for hours, with nothing more than a cup of hot chocolate and his thoughts. Sometimes he almost preferred the solitude of an empty beach on a cloudy day, watching the clouds crawl slowly across a dim skyline. Sometimes he wished he was a cloud. Able to see everything from a distance, and not get too attached. Able to see the big picture. He enjoyed thinking, and did that best when alone. Away from chatter. Away from others. Only the seagulls to hear him, and Rudy to comfort him. Perfection.
But some days he enjoyed watching people, too. Discovering what made them happy, then using that with others. Making people happy was something he had devoted his life to ever since Hannah's death and the accident. If he couldn't have joy in his own life, he might as well try to bring it to others. It helped fill the void in his heart—and released some of the guilt.
As he approached Rudy, Eli gave him a non-verbal command to sit. The dog was extremely well-trained, but it helped that Eli had time, patience, and love to spare. He loved to play with Rudy, and made up dumb games with him all the time. He would make Rudy sit while he made his way towards the shore. Stopping short only to take his shoes off slowly... agonizingly slowly. Then he would stare at Rudy. Who would be begging, pleading, for E
li to let him loose and join him. Then, when Eli was ready, and Rudy all but whimpering, he would say “Now!” and they would race for the water.
This time, like always, Rudy won, and began dancing around in the waves in celebration. Boasting at Eli's expense.
“Alright bud, you won this time. But next time you won't be so lucky,” Eli said, ruffling the dog’s fur.
Walking in until the waves reached just below his ankles, Eli started down the coastline toward the pier. Rudy followed a little further out. Eli liked walking underneath the pier, and listening to how the waves crashed against the pillars. He liked hearing the people up above, and thinking about how unaware they were of the power moving beneath them.
As he walked, Eli thought about yesterday—about Abby. He longed to see her. Her beautiful face. He needed it, but didn’t know why. He didn’t even know her; he’d only met her once. Only spoken a few words to her. But he couldn't escape that feeling, the one that comes only once in a lifetime. He’d already felt it, used it, cherished, and lost it. He had no business feeling something like love again, and should have felt guilty even entertaining the notion, but he didn't. He couldn't. This was beyond his control and understanding; the only thing he did understand was the way she made him feel. An electric shock to his nervous system. A bolt of passion, of energy. A force, screaming at him to pay attention, this is important!
