by Nancy Adams
“How are Marta and Jay?” Eli asked. “It's been awhile since I've seen them.”
“They’re good. Marta’s been sick, but she’s starting to feel better. Jay is very much ready for school to be over. I keep telling him it's only a few more months, but to him that is forever.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Eli’s gaze slowly drifted downward, towards his hands on the table.
They finished their hot dogs in silence, then got up, gathered their trash, and headed back to Kirsten. Ricky stopped Eli at the garbage can.
“You hang in there, okay?” he said. “You don't give up on me, and I won't give up on you. Me, Marta, and even Jay, we are here for you, you know that. Don't ever hesitate to call or come over. Alright? I'm serious.”
Eli nodded, and thanked him. Ricky pulled him in for a big hug. Though they rarely embraced each other like this, Eli admitted it felt good, and welcomed the encouragement.
Ricky didn’t bring it up again as they went back to finish off their shifts with Kirsten, but Eli knew the offer had been sincere. He also knew that although Ricky's intentions were good, he and his family could never offer Eli what he had lost. And he feared he would never feel whole again.
eight
THE NIGHT BEFORE ABBY HAD TOLD HERSELF she would apologize to Eli for her apparent rudeness, but now she was having doubts. Was that really the best choice? Or would it just restart the cycle for them both? Maybe, instead, the best plan of action was time. Time to heal. Time to forget. Time to move on. As she always had done.
Abby squeezed her eyes shut. Move on.
She brushed the covers away, and pulled on a pair of jeans and tank top. She didn't work today, so she could wear whatever she wanted. Comfort won out, as it usually did.
As she scrubbed her teeth with a firm new toothbrush, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. The toothbrush slowed, then stopped. Abby barely recognized herself. Barely recognized the women staring blankly back at her. Surely this couldn't be her… could it?
There were subtle changes in her face—not obvious, but enough that she noticed. There was another crease in her forehead. Her eyes drooped slightly at the corners, and dark circles had dug in underneath. Her skin had a vaguely tired look to it. She had changed. She looked like someone beyond her age, not just physically but mentally, too. The mental strain, the anxiety, stress, sorrow and grief weighed on her heavily. She’d thought she would be able to keep them hidden but they’d only shown up in her face instead. She looked like a woman engulfed in sadness, and overwhelmed with regret. Could the rest of the world see it too?
Abby couldn't stand to look at herself anymore. She splashed cold water on her face, hoping—praying—it would wash away the evidence of her sins.
When she finished, she made her way downstairs. Melody was already awake, and Abby could hear eggs sizzling and spitting in the pan.
“Oh, you're up!” Melody said, surprised. “Would you like some eggs? I could easily crack a few more in for you.”
Abby smiled, but shook her head. Her appetite was as lacking as the joy in her heart. “No thanks, I think I'll just have some toast. I'm planning on meeting Molly at the bottom of the hill at 9:00, so I don't have a lot of time.”
“Oh, toast won’t be enough for you. Here, let me throw in a few eggs, it’ll only take a minute.” Melody made her way towards the fridge to grab the extra ingredients.
“No, really,” Abby said, louder than she probably should have. Melody froze, looking over her shoulder. “I mean, really... it's fine, Grandma. Thank you though.” She made sure to tack on the last part. She didn't want to sound rude, but the idea of seeing Eli today had her all out of sorts. She figured she could apologize later. First she had to face Eli.
Melody frowned, and slowly made her way back to the stove.
Better to ask for forgiveness later, than to spill the beans now, Abby thought.
She quickly made her toast and choked it down. It was a little burnt, which didn't make getting it down any easier, but she managed. Then she was gone. She even forgot to say goodbye to Melody, she was in such a guilty rush. Another thing to apologize for.
She met up with Molly as planned, and they both made their way towards Splash. Abby didn't fill Molly in on the exact reason she wanted to go, but wanted her there for support nonetheless. They had started to become really close again, and it felt good. Molly definitely had a few quirks, but Abby wouldn't change any one of them.
As they arrived, Abby's stomach began to flip and turn, like she was back at the local fair riding the big roller coaster, and she immediately had second thoughts. She hesitated, but took a deep breath and continued on.
You can do this. You need to do this. No more running.
Having Molly along really helped. Courage was contagious, and Molly had it in spades. Abby wasn't sure whether it was from ignorance or confidence, but it made her feel better, either way.
They made their way towards the front and saw that Kirsten was working.
Uh oh...
It had never dawned on Abby that Eli might not even be there, and she didn't think she could muster up the confidence to do this again another day.
“Hey Kirsten!” Molly said, before Abby could even get her thoughts straight.
“Hey Molly. Hey Abby.” The gum smacked and turned in her mouth. She was flipping through a magazine that read Woman's World, and started on a big pink bubble.
“Slow day?” Molly asked.
“Not really, just got through the morning crowd. It should pick up again in the next hour or two.” Kirsten said as she flipped through to another page. “Is there something I can get for you guys?”
“No,” Abby chimed in. “We were… um, is Eli working today?”
Kirsten looked up at Abby from her magazine, raising an eyebrow. A smirk drew across her face. “Why?”
Abby opened her mouth, then closed it. Could she just tell her the truth? That she just need to talk with him for—
“Abby just needs to talk with him,” Molly said. “Where is he?”
Abby smiled. Thank God for Molly.
Kirsten looked at them both, her eyes darting back and forth between them. Brow still raised. Finally, she lowered it in surrender. “If you say so. He's just on his break. In the back. I guess I could go get him if you want—”
“No it's okay,” Molly said. She was good at interrupting people, and right now Abby loved her for it. “Thanks Kirsten.” She grabbed Abby's wrist, leading her towards the back of the café.
“Whatever.” Kirsten muttered, shaking her head as she went back to her magazine.
“What are we doing?” Abby hissed.
“Going to talk to him,” Molly said innocently. “Isn't that what you wanted?”
“Well yes, but...”
“Alright then, here he is.” Molly stopped right in front a large door directly behind the front cashier. A large sign attached read, “DO NOT ENTER – EMPLOYEES ONLY”.
“Are you sure about this Molly? I mean, I can wait for him to come out.”
“No, it's fine. I used to go back here all the time and talk to a girlfriend of mine that used to work here.”
Wonder why she got fired, Abby thought.
“Really it's fine, just go in.”
“Isn't it locked?”
“Don't think so. Let’s see.” Without warning Molly grabbed the handle, and swung the door wide open. Eli, who sat reading in a chair, nearly fell out of his seat.
Molly’s face opened in surprise. “Oopsies! Sorry Eli, I didn't think it was gonna open so fast.” She laughed, completely oblivious to the heart attack it looked like she'd almost given him.
Abby felt her face warm.
“What do you guys want?” Eli asked. He looked incredible, better than usual. His hair fell naturally to the side. His clothing was sharp and dapper. A little stubble visible from missing a morning shave, something Abby always liked. And those eyes. Deep, full, and flooded with color. It was as though they could see right throug
h her.
“Abby just wanted to talk to you.” Molly said cheerfully.
Her courage was a double-edged sword.
Eli's expression immediately changed. A mixture of excitement and surprise flashed across his face before it settled again.
“So... here you go.” Molly motioned for Abby to step inside the room, but Abby froze, then took a few baby steps, barely making it through the doorway.
Eli stood up, sitting down again in a different, more rickety one nearby. Offering her his chair with his free hand.
“No, it's OK. I'd rather stand.”
Eli's face relaxed. The excitement gone, the curiosity leaving. She was doing it again. Shutting herself off. Not even allowing someone the gratification of accepting their chivalry.
That had to stop.
“Actually, you know what, I would like to sit. Thank you.” She smiled at him, and sat down in the chair. It was pretty comfortable. And still warm with the heat from his body.
Eli was smiling a little, now. “So what was it you wanted to talk with about?”
Abby abruptly realized that in the madness of deciding to do this and actually coming here, she hadn't given any thought as to what she would actually say. And now here she was. The man who had caused her so much inner turmoil, five feet in front of her, waiting patiently for whatever left her mouth next. Abby hoped it wouldn't be her breakfast. Her heart quickened. Her body quivered. She was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.
Just tell him the truth.... She took a deep breath. Closed her eyes, and….
“I just wanted to apologize,” she said. No idea how he would react to such a blunt statement.
Eli looked caught off guard. “Apologize for what?” Clearly emphasizing the last word implying she’d done him no wrong—except she had.
The genuine surprise in Eli's voice did make her feel better, though. She’d thought he must loathe her, but he seemed honestly shocked by the idea that she’d done anything warranting an apology. Which also made Abby feel guilty. He was a man of impeccable character, and she'd treated him like a player looking for his next one-night stand.
“For being so rude to you this last week. You've been nothing but nice to me, and I wasn’t nearly as kind in return. It's not you, and it's not who I want to be, it's just… some things have… have happened, to me. In my past, I mean. I’m more wary and skeptical of people than I used to be. I don't like it, but it happens without me even realizing it. I think I did it to you and... I guess... I'm just sorry, that's all.”
Abby hadn't noticed, but somewhere during her speech, Eli's mouth had opened. Another indication of complete astonishment.
He shook his head, blinking a few times, then stopped. He looked directly at her, expression steady, and said.
“It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did, and I’m honored, but you really have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. If anything, I’m sorry. I think I... overstepped some bounds, and if that made you feel uncomfortable at all then that’s my fault. Not yours.”
Abby stared at him. This was far from how she had expected him to respond. She felt like a complete fool for ever thinking all those horrible thoughts about him, and what his character was.
“Alright?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Good. Maybe we can start over?” He offered his hand. “My name is Eli, what's yours?” When he smiled, Abby nearly melted into her chair.
She extended her hand. “I’m Abby. Nice to meet you, Eli.” She smiled back, and felt something begin to swell inside her chest, warm and small.
“It's very nice to meet you too.”
Abby stood up, and headed back through the doorway, where she'd been so terrified to stand barely three minutes ago. Now she felt completely at ease. A small part of her didn't want to leave, even. But she did, Eli walking her out. They spotted Molly, who had bought some fries and had been feeding the seagulls, and now walked up beside her.
“Did you two love birds work things out?” she asked, licking her salty fingers.
Abby's eyes widened. The words “love birds” rang in her ears, but as usual, Eli was unfazed. Instead he smiled, looked at Abby and said, “I think we did.”
“Good!” Molly exclaimed. “If you want, me and Eric are planning on going to that new Greek place that just opened on Garden Street tomorrow night. You guys should join us... if, you know, that isn't too 'weird' for you guys.”
The finger quotations Molly used during the word “weird” was a little offensive. She wasn't so uptight she couldn't handle going to dinner with a guy and her friend... was she? It wasn't a date or anything, just a simple hangout. A good opportunity for them to get to know each other.
Abby looked at Eli, who only shrugged.
If Molly had asked her this exact question ten minutes ago she would have laughed, and not bothered answering. But things had changed. Now she felt compelled to do it, a new sense of life urging her on.
“Sure,” she said.
And so what had started out as an apology mission somehow turned into a group date, although Abby wasn't quite ready to admit to that. It was just a get together with friends.
Really.
nine
THERE WERE A GOOD TWO FEET BETWEEN THEM, but Abby could still feel Eli’s heat. She shifted in her seat, willing herself to relax. No luck.
She and Molly had gotten together a couple hours before they met up at the restaurant. Eli had offered to drive Abby, but she refused. She used Molly as her excuse, though technically it wasn't a lie.
Once Molly arrived it was like they were thirteen again. Doing each others hair, each others nails, trying on different outfits and asking the others opinion of it only to tear it off again and try something else. Eventually they both found something they liked, and Abby had to admit she didn't recognize the women she saw in the mirror. She was so completely different from the women she had stared at just the previous morning. Molly had done her make-up, and her droopy eyes were gone, her wrinkled forehead covered up, and masterfully placed colors brought out the beauty Abby had forgotten she’d possessed.
“You look amazing!” Molly had said to her once they were done. Abby repeated something similar back to her, not out of courtesy, but because she honestly thought it.
When Eli had first seen her, he'd told her she looked “gorgeous”, which made her blush. She almost didn't believe him, but his facial expression when she walked up was unmistakable. It was the same look she'd seen countless times at weddings, on other people’s faces.
He had quickly shot up out of his chair and pulled out Abby's for her. Eric took notice and matched him, much to Molly's delight. It wasn't just the chairs, though. Eli had been a perfect gentleman the entire night. Always standing whenever one of the ladies had to leave for the restroom. Always pulling out Abby's chair when she returned. He never burped, or spoke too loudly. Never interrupted Abby, and always displayed the utmost attention to what she had to say. No matter how trivial or stupid. It made her feel good. Made her feel like she was worth something.
When the food started to arrive, he made sure everyone had gotten their plate before digging in. And even now, when Abby was at a loss for words, he simply sat there. Never pressuring her to speak or to be quiet. Not judging, not pressuring. Simply allowing her to be herself. Abby was beginning to think the man was perfect.
He had no visible flaws. No secrets or hidden agendas. The complete opposite of her.
He deserves better than me... she thought.
The night had been going great, mainly because of Eli, with the only real downer being Molly and Eric. The two had been so loud and obnoxious with each other Abby could barely hear herself think, much less speak. It felt as though the entire restaurant was glaring at them, which only increased Abby's anxiety.
Eric had just finished up yet another story of one of the ‘massive waves’ he’d ‘barreled’ in. Abby had enjoyed the first one. Even the second one. But as time wore on, her brain shifted
further and further towards the off position. She'd noticed Eli looking over at her a couple times, as though apologizing for something he'd had no part in orchestrating. It was annoying. This entire evening was her fault, not his. Could the man take one moment to stop thinking of her, and just for once be as selfish as the rest of humanity? It was exhausting trying to live up to him.
As if on cue, Eric opened his mouth.
“That reminds me of this other time—” he started, but that was as far as he got.
“Eric...” Eli said, cutting him off, but making it seem like an accident. Abby tried to hide a smile. Eli gave her a grin, then continued. “You never told me how you and Molly met.”
Finally, something that wasn’t a surfing story!
“Oh, yeah!” Eric said, not even breaking stride. “Weeell...” He dragged the word out. “I think Abby already knows about that first time we met on the beach. You know,” he grinned, “when Molly totally got in my way from catching that perfect wave.”
Molly punched him in the shoulder, and the two laughed uncontrollably. Obviously it was an inside joke.
That was more than fine with Abby.
“Anyways,” Eric said, “after I tried teaching this girl how to surf for awhile, we decided to get some food. Actually stopped by your place Eli, though you weren't working. Aaand... I guess we sorta just clicked.” Eric turned to Molly, who was now beaming from cheek to cheek. They shared a sloppy kiss, which made both Abby and just about everyone else in the restaurant uncomfortable.
“That's great Eric,” Eli said. Abby had no idea how he could sound so genuine. Even his smile looked real. “I'm happy for you two.”
Maybe he is genuine.
“Yeah, it is pretty great,” he said. “Not as cool as your story though, dude! I mean, you’re a real hero.” Eric pounded Eli's fist even though it lay open on the table.
Eli's body language shifted. Suddenly it was no longer welcoming or confident, but nervous, closed-off. Scared, even.
“Yeah Eli!” Molly added. “Tell us the story! Please? I've only heard it from random people. Never from the actual horse’s mouth.” Her voice was teasing, eager.
