by Nancy Adams
He pulled back.
And before he could do anything else, she moved towards him.
Something she rarely did. Not because she didn’t love him but rather, he suspected, out of a deep feeling of insecurity. An idea that she wasn't good enough, or wanted, or loved. An idea Eli was trying desperately to get out of her head. Not just for her, but for their future together.
She pressed her lips back against his, more forcefully than he would ever do to her. It knocked him onto his back, and Abby followed him. Keeping their lips locked, her chest resting on his. He could feel her every breath. Feel her heart beat against his. He listened as their hearts united, syncing together to become one. Her hair hung down and tickled his face, but he could lie here for a million years. He could lie here until she asked him to take her somewhere else.
When Rudy finally began to bark, breaking their trance, Abby simply smiled, getting up and making her way toward the dog. She picked up a stick and threw it. Just as she was getting too far to make out properly, she stopped and turned back toward him. He hadn’t stopped watching her. He never wanted to stop watching her. She smiled, one hand shading her eyes from the sun, and bent to accept the stick Rudy was trying to press upon her.
Perfect, Eli thought.
* * * * *
It was late. The sun had set long before they finally made their way back towards town, and dark shadows lay over the landscape. Though they were still together, and had just had a marvelous time, Eli couldn’t banish an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. It had crept in as they climbed into the truck, and only intensified as they drove. It was almost as if he could feel the darkness of the night, and was somehow aware it had brought evil with it. He tried to shake the feeling off, but it still lingered.
He looked over and smiled at Abby, “You warm enough?” he asked her.
She nodded, and smiled. “Yep.”
“Good.”
Just then his cell phone rang. He reached into his pocket and checked the name. Molly. His brow furrowed. “What does she want?”
“Who?”
He turned the phone towards her, and she took it in her hands. Flipped it open.
“Molly? Hey, it's Abby. What's—”
Silence filled the cab. The awful feeling in Eli's stomach grew stronger. Something's wrong. He pulled the truck off to the shoulder, waiting for her to speak. To say something. To move, even. Her face had gone pale, and she hadn't said a word since she’d first answered the phone.
“What is it Abby? Is everything okay?”
She dropped the phone into her lap without even saying goodbye. Her eyes were wide, pupils tiny and trembling. Her breathing became shallow and irregular. Eli took both her hands in his. Cold. He pulled at them to get her to attention.
“Abby. What's wrong?”
She looked at him, eyes glossy and swelling with tears.
“Melody....” Her voice was barely audible. “She... she's had a heart attack.”
Eli dropped her hands, and started the engine again. The tires squealed as they sped over the pavement, heading straight for the hospital.
seventeen
MELODY’S HAND WAS COLD and weak between Abby’s palms. There were tubes and wires running everywhere. The heart monitor beeped slowly at the bedside.
Beep.........beep.......... beep..........
Abby couldn’t stand the sound, but she would fall to pieces if it stopped. The grief would be more than she could bear, even when Eli got here. He’d dropped her off at the door, then gone to find a parking spot. He’d been gone a while now, but she couldn’t spare a thought to wonder what was taking him so long.
Molly had been the one to call 911. She’d also been the one to explain to Abby what had happened. Apparently Melody had ordered clam chowder from Splash Café, but it was too busy for either Ricky or Kirsten to bring it by. Molly, who had just finished eating dinner with a friend, volunteered to deliver it on her way home. She’d found Melody unconscious on the kitchen floor. Blood trickling from a gash in her head from the fall, barely breathing. As they waited for the ambulance, Melody’s heart had stopped. Molly performed CPR on her and kept her alive long enough for the paramedics to arrive and stabilize her. She had literally saved Melody’s life, and for that Abby would be eternally grateful.
Even so, Melody’s condition wasn’t good. Her heart had suffered an enormous amount of stress, and was very weak. The doctors said there was only a 20 percent chance of recovery, and gently suggested Abby use the time to say goodbye, just in case.
But Abby still couldn't believe it. Her childhood hero lay pale and still on the bed. How could she not have seen this coming? This was all her fault. She’d come here to spend time with her grandma, and gotten swept up in some dumb romance instead. Consumed by herself, by her own feelings. She’d completely failed to realize what was going on around her. If Melody didn't pull through…. Abby shuddered. If Melody didn't pull through, Abby would never be able to forgive herself.
The door opened behind her, and she heard footsteps. A hand landed softly upon her shoulder. She knew who it was, but the connection, the spark, had vanished. How could she possibly enjoy herself with the very man who’d distracted her from the person who really needed her?
Eli bent down and kissed her on her forehead. She wanted so badly to return his affection. To accept his sympathy and comfort, but she couldn't. Not now. Maybe not ever.
He bent down and looked into her eyes.
Nothingness, she thought. Empty space.
And yet, even now….
She knew she must look terrible. Make-up destroyed by tears, hair a mess, bags sagging underneath her eyes. And still there was love in his eyes. She knew he would do anything for her, and she longed to leave with him, but she couldn't. Not while her grandma lay in the hospital. Not when Melody needed her most. Abby had already let her down once, and she couldn’t do it again, even if it meant giving up on a relationship with Eli. She owed Melody.
She told Eli that she just needed some space, and though she could see the pain it caused him in his eyes, he nodded, and closed the door quietly behind him as he left.
* * * * *
Abby spent the next 24 hours at the hospital, leaving her grandmother’s side only for bathroom breaks. Molly brought food and coffee, and she drank the coffee, but couldn’t so much as look at the food. She didn’t sleep. She kept one eye on her heart monitor, the other on Melody’s gently rising and falling chest. She rubbed her hands. She talked, sharing words of encouragement and hope, and then just begging.
“How are you doing?”
Abby whipped her head around, startled. It was Eli. She turned back toward her grandmother.
“Fine,” she said, but it sounded flat and insincere, even to her.
He walked over to the other side of Melody's bed. Checking over her before pulling a chair up too. He didn’t say anything, but even his presence was irritating. It wasn’t his fault, but he had distracted her. He was distracting her now. She didn't like him intruding like this. This was her special time, maybe her last special time, with her grandma, and she didn't want to share it with anybody. Even—especially—him.
“Molly says you haven't left since yesterday.”
“She needs me.” Abby said firmly. Her eyes never wavered from Melody’s face.
“Why don't you get some rest? Just for a few hours at least. I can watch her, make sure she's—”
“No, Eli,” she snapped, voice angry and harsh enough that he flinched. Why couldn’t he understand? “No. I was the one who should have been there with her. I should have noticed the signs. And if she dies—” She couldn't hold back the tears. “If she dies, I’ll be the one to blame. I can't leave her. Not again.”
All her anger left her, swept away in a rush of tears. She was openly sobbing, now, but when Eli stood up to comfort her, she pushed him away.
“Eli, please! Please just leave me alone.” She lowered her voice. “I need space right now.” Hurt flashe
d across Eli's face, but she ignored it. She ignored the way his mouth came open, as though about to plead with her. He didn’t say anything, just closed his mouth again and went slowly towards the door.
And then he paused.
“Go!” she said. And this time he did.
And then she succumbed to the tears and pain that had threatened since the day she arrived, and was engulfed in a cocoon of misery.
* * * * *
Eli understood Abby's grief. He did. He had been through this too, the bedside vigil, the clutching of hands as someone he loved slipped inevitably away from him. But he had hoped that it would bring them closer together rather than tear them apart. He’d thought he could help. He wouldn't try to talk her through it, because he knew that was impossible, but he was willing to be what she needed, which was what he had needed when Hannah had passed. Someone to lean on. Someone to hold onto for support and encouragement. To walk through the chaos by his side. And when it was time to talk or cry, Eli wanted to be there for her then, too. Ricky had done it for him. Without Ricky by his side Eli would have put that gun to his head again, and again, as many times as it took, and he longed to provide this kind of support for Abby. To bring her comfort and carry some of her pain with her. To become a beacon of hope and a tower of refuge when she needed it. Showing her nothing but love and patience as they worked through this together. But maybe it was too much.
He understood her pain but didn't appreciate her directing her anger out towards him. It caused him anguish. He needed her, and wanted her to need him, too.
In the end, Eli decided to give her time to think, and process. Hopefully allowing her to heal and work through her inner demons alone. It wasn't what he wanted, but who was he to stand in her way? He didn't want to cause any unnecessary pain by acting on what he wanted. That would be selfish. It wouldn’t be love.
He would wait and leave her be, for however long she needed, hoping that when it was over they would be able to go back to the way things had been before.
eighteen
A HAND SHOOK HER SHOULDER. It shook her gently out of sleep, back to reality. Abby opened her eyes. Where am I?
Then it all came back to her. Melody. The heart attack. The hospital. Eli.
Eli…. She missed him. They’d been apart for less than a day, but she missed him. Longed for him. She needed his comfort now more than ever, but he was gone. And she’d sent him away. Guilt coiled in her stomach, but she wasn’t ready to see him again. Her emotions might just be playing tricks with her, trying to distract her from what really mattered.
A brown cup plunked down in front of her face, and she instinctively reached for it.
Ouch!
“Sorry,” Molly said. “I forgot to ask for sleeves.”
Abby slurped the coffee as quickly as she could without burning herself. It trickled down her throat, warming her, really waking her up.
“It's alright,” she said. “Thanks.”
Molly walked around to the empty chair on the other side of the bed. The same chair Eli had sat in. “How’s she doing?”
Abby… didn't know. Who knew how long she’d been asleep? Frantically, she checked the familiar screens and monitors, but quickly settled when she saw everything was fine. “Fine,” she managed. It was all she could say.
“Well that's great then! Isn't it?”
“What?”
“It's been more than 48 hours.” Molly checked her watch. “Looks like it's been 56 or so, actually. Didn't the doctors say that the next 48 were the most critical? She’s going to be okay.”
Abby blinked—and then it registered. She’s right. Yes, 48 hours. The doctors said 48 hours. “What time is it exactly?”
Molly glanced down at her watch again. “8:07 AM.”
A huge smile came over Abby’s face, and then, without warning, tears. Exhausted, she slumped back into her chair and closed her eyes in relief. Thank you. Thank you.
“You okay Abby? Maybe you should get some sleep?”
“Sleep? No, didn't you see? I just did sleep. No, I can't sleep now.”
“Well, you have to get out of here. Go outside. Get some fresh air at least.”
“No really I'm—”
“I won't take no for an answer. Melody’s going to be okay. You can take a break now. Come on.” Molly pulled Abby to her feet. Though she really didn't want to leave, it felt good knowing she had a friend who cared so much for her. Cared enough to bring her coffee, and show up when she needed her without even being asked.
Abby went reluctantly, giving in to Molly's persistence. “Just let me check with the doctors on the way out.”
Molly raised an eyebrow.
“I'm not backing out, I promise. I just want to see what they have to say. See if anything's changed now that she's made it past critical.” They made their way to the main doctor’s counter in the hospital wing, and asked for an update for Melody.
They sat in plastic chairs as they waited, and only then did Abby realize how sore her back was from sleeping in such an awkward position.
When Melody’s doctor arrived, they both stood to hear the news.
“Well, as we said before, the previous 48 hours were going to tell us a lot. Mainly whether or not the heart was going to give up or fight to recover. I’ll be frank. We didn’t expect Melody to make it as long as she has. Usually when a heart is stressed like this at such an advanced age, it simply gives up. But Melody’s a fighter. We aren't out of the woods yet, but her chances of recovery are significantly higher now than they were when she first arrived, and excluding complications, I’d be willing to bet that she’ll be able to go home in the next week or so.”
Molly screamed, delighted, something unintelligible that nonetheless got the whole room’s attention. Abby, on the other hand, was just trying to take it in, and thanked the doctor profusely for his dedication and effort. He smiled, and said it wasn't just him, but all of the nurses and staff working together. Then he congratulated them, said goodbye, and headed off down the corridor.
“You hear that?” Molly said, grinning. “She's gonna be okay.”
The room was spinning; her friend’s words echoed in Abby’s ears. But once they got through, she finally understood them.
She's gonna be okay.
* * * * *
The next few days didn’t change much for Abby. She still spent most of her time at the hospital next to Melody, although her grandmother had woken up, and was talking a bit. Mostly Melody slept. She hadn’t talked to Eli since she’d yelled at him to leave. Hadn’t even made an effort to see him. When she thought of him a hopeless emptiness consumed her, and soon she couldn’t think of him at all. It was too painful, and she still wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Anyway, she had Molly. Loyal Molly. She was there night and day, caring for Abby as much as she was caring for Melody. And asking about Eli.
“You ever going to try and make up with him?”
“I don't know,” Abby said.
“Well you should. You two were made for each other. I... I never told you this, but I was actually jealous of you two.”
Abby looked at her, surprised.
“Not like I wanted Eli for myself or anything, just like... I don't know. Your love for each other, I guess.” Molly said as she twiddled her thumbs. “I guess I always hoped someone would one day look at me like that. The way Eli looks at you.”
She couldn’t listen to this. It hurt too much. But Molly continued. “To look at someone the way that you look at him....” Abby’s head swung around again, and Molly met her eyes. “You can't hide it from me, Abby. I see it. You love him, and he loves you. That's something special. I’d hate for you guys to waste it.”
Abby let out a deep breath. Trying to clear her thoughts and make sense of what her friend was saying. She wanted so badly to ignore her friend's advice, but deep down she knew the words were true. She and Eli did have something special.
“It's not too late to change things,” Molly said. Molly, h
er friend, willfully ignored for so many years, and now her only cheerleader. Doing what she could to fix a mess she’d had no hand in creating. When Abby started crying, she reached out to embrace her.
“I have no idea what I did to deserve someone like you as a friend,” Abby said. The words came from her heart, and she knew Molly must have known that. Now they were both crying.
Now Abby knew what she needed to do. She needed to make things right. But how? “What should I do? I was so cold to him, so mean, when all he wanted was to help. How could I possibly expect him to forgive me?”
Molly pulled back, a hand on either side of Abby’s face. Her voice was kind but her words cut through Abby like a knife.
“By asking him, you doofus.”
nineteen
IT WAS COLD OUT, and she’d forgotten her gloves. Knocking on Eli’s door turned her fingers white and bloodless. Night had fallen. All the heat and moisture in the air had gone, leaving a bitter cold that threatened to freeze her fingers and toes.
Nothing.
She knocked again, harder, and heard Rudy begin to bark and whine on the other side. Eli had to be close by.
“Please open the door, Eli! I really need to talk to you!”
Still nothing.
“Eli please.... Are you really going to let me freeze out here?”
A great cracking noise splintered through the door just before it swung open. A blast of warmth whooshed out from the furnace.
Eli stood just inside, Rudy whining behind him.
“What do you want?” His tone was flat and cold. She knew she had hurt him, which meant she also had to be the one to fix this.
“I want to talk,” she said firmly. “Can I come in?” He stepped aside—reluctantly, it seemed to her—and held the door for her. Rudy leaped on her the moment she came through the door, but Eli closed it behind her with a thud that shook the whole house.
