Instead of heading for home, I biked to the end of the main street – past the local high school, the local small hospital, and several substantial houses – then turned left and pushed on for over a mile until I came to a set of gates which announced my arrival at Todd's Point Beach: Residents Only.
As it was late April, the guard at the gate wasn't on duty, so I cycled right on, past a parking lot, and then turned left. Instantly I braked. Instantly I felt the first smile cross my lips in days. Because there, in front of me, was a long smooth strip of white sand, and the deep blue waters of Long Island Sound.
I parked the bike against a wooden fence, pulled off my shoes, and felt the sand creep between my toes. It was a mild day, the sun was at full altitude, the sky was clear. I took in several deep lungfuls of sea air, then began to hike down the beach. It was about a mile long. I meandered slowly, emptying my brain, enjoying the first moments of calm I'd felt ever since the discovery that I was pregnant. At the far end of the beach, I sat down in the sand and spent around a half-hour doing nothing but staring out at the tidal waters of the Sound – the metronomic ebb-and-flow of the surf lulling me into a temporary state of placidity. Thinking:
This beach will be my safety valve, my escape hatch. This beach will be the way I survive George, his family, Old Greenwich, meatloaf.
I returned to the house and followed Bea's recipe to the letter: take two pounds of ground beef, mix it by hand with one minced onion, salt, pepper, and finely crushed cornflakes (yes: cornflakes), and one third of a can of Campbell's Condensed Tomato Soup. Shape it into a loaf. Place it inside a baking pan. Use the remaining two thirds of a can of soup to coat it completely. Then bake in an oven for thirty-five minutes.
Knowing that George would be arriving home on the 6.12, I put the meatloaf in the oven at 6.05 . . . which would give me ample time to meet my husband's 'Dinner before Seven' deadline. He walked in through the door at 6.20. He was carrying flowers. He gave me a peck on the cheek.
'Something smells good,' he said. 'Bea must have called.'
'She did,' I said, handing him a martini.
'You got the olives!' he said, his voice fulsome – as if I'd done something extraordinary, like splitting the atom.
'Your wish is my command,' I said lightly.
He looked at me carefully. 'That's a joke, right?'
'Yes, George – that's a joke.'
'Just making sure. You're a gal full of surprises.'
'Oh really?' I said. 'What kind of surprises?'
He took a sip of his martini, then said, 'Like the new bicycle out front.'
'It's not new, George. It's second-hand.'
'It's new to me, because I haven't seen it before.'
He smiled. Now it was my turn to take a long sip of my martini.
'I only bought it today.'
'Obviously. Was it expensive?'
'Twenty dollars.'
'That's not cheap.'
'It's a good bicycle. You want me to be riding something safe, don't you?'
'That's not the issue.'
'So what is the issue?'
'The fact that you bought it without consulting me.'
I looked at him with something approaching shock. 'You're kidding me?' I said.
His smile remained fixed. 'All I'm saying is, if you're going to go out and make a major household purchase like a bicycle, I'd like to be told . . .'
'It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I saw the bicycle in Flannery's Garage, the price was right, so I bought it. Anyway, I need a bicycle to get around town . . .'
'I'm not disputing that.'
'Then what are you disputing?'
'Twenty dollars of household money was spent by you without . . .'
I cut him off. 'Do you hear what you are saying?'
'There's no need for that tone, Sara.'
'Yes, there is. Because you are being absurd. Listen to yourself. You sound so generous, so benevolent, such a loving husband . . .'
His face fell. 'I didn't know you had such a cruel streak,' he said.
'Cruel streak! All I'm doing is responding to you saying dumb things like I need to have your written approval before I dare bankrupt us by spending an extravagant twenty dollars on a bicycle . . .'
Silence. Finally, he said, 'I never asked for written approval.'
That's when I threw back the rest of my drink and stormed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, and falling face down on the bed. After a minute there was a tentative knock on the door.
'You're not crying, are you?' he asked, sounding anxious.
'Of course I'm not crying. I'm too angry.'
'Can I come in?'
'It's your room too.'
The door opened. He tentatively came over to the bed. He had my martini glass in his right hand. It had been refilled.
'A peace offering,' he said, holding it out to me. I sat up and took it. He crouched down next to me, and touched his glass against mine. 'Everyone says the first decade of marriage is always the worst.'
I tried to smile.
'That was meant as a joke,' he said.
'I know.'
'We're not getting off to a very good start, are we?'
'No, we're not.'
'How can I make things better?'
'Stop treating me like your housekeeper, for a start. Yes, I am at home, which means I will take care of things like the shopping and the overall management of the house. But just because I am now financially dependent on you doesn't automatically mean that it is my duty to serve you.'
'I'd never treat you like a servant.'
'Believe me, you were. And I want it to stop now.'
'Fine,' he said, looking away like a child who'd just been reprimanded.
'And as regards the issue of money. . . you will discover that, when it comes to spending, I am true to my New England roots, in that I'm not interested in furs, diamonds, staterooms on the Queen Mary, or keeping up with the Joneses. And I don't think a bicycle exactly qualifies as a frivolous luxury, especially as I'll be using it to get groceries.'
He took my hand. 'You're right. I'm wrong. And I'm sorry.'
'You really mean that?'
'Of course I do. I'm just not used to living with a wife.'
'I'm not a wife. I am Sara Smythe. There is a difference. Work it out.'
'Sure, sure,' he said.
We both sipped our martinis.
'I want this to work, Sara.'
I touched my midsection. 'It has to work. For obvious reasons.'
'We'll make it work. I promise.'
He kissed me lightly on the lips, and stroked my hair.
'Good,' I said, caressing his cheek with my hand.
'I'm glad we had this talk.'
'Me too.'
He pulled me towards him, and held me tight. Then he said, 'So, is the meatloaf just about done?'
It was. We went downstairs and ate. He approved of my meatloaf. He was pleased with the seven-layer cake, and laughed when I informed him of Bea's comments about his sweet tooth. We went to bed. We made love. This time he managed to hold on for almost two minutes. He seemed genuinely pleased about this. Then he kissed me fully on the lips, got up and bumped against the bedside table that separated our two beds. As he slipped beneath his blankets, he said, 'I must move that damn thing sometime.'
I slept well that night. But early the next morning, George shook me awake. As I came to, I could see he looked deeply upset about something.
'What's happened, darling?' I asked.
'My suits . . .'
'What?'
'My suits. Where have you put my suits?'
'I took them to the cleaner's.'
'You what?'
I was now awake. 'You asked me to get them pressed, so I took them to the cleaner's . . .'
'I asked you to press them yourself.'
'I don't know how to press suits.'
'You don't? Really?'
'Sorry – they didn't teach me such fundamenta
l things at Bryn Mawr.'
'There you go again, with that nasty tongue of yours.'
'I'm only being nasty because you are being so incredibly thoughtless.'
' Thoughtless? What the hell am I going to wear today to the office?'
'What about the suit you were wearing yesterday?'
'It's wrinkled.'
'Then press it yourself.'
He went to the closet and angrily pulled it off the rail. 'All right then, I will,' he said. 'Because, at least, I know how to press a suit.'
'Well, it's great to discover that a Princeton education taught you something.'
I fell back on my pillow, pulling the blankets over my head. I stayed in that position for nearly half-an-hour – until I heard the front door slam, as George went off to work. As I lay there, my stomach did somersaults. I felt sick. But it wasn't morning sickness from which I was suffering. It was despair.
Naturally, George was guilty as hell about this early morning exchange – and a large bouquet of flowers arrived by messenger early that afternoon, accompanied by a card:
I am a well-pressed fool.
And I love you.
At least it was moderately witty.
When George came home that night, he acted as if he had gone through a Pauline conversion. Naturally he brought another peace offering of flowers, augmented by a big box of chocolates . . . indicating just how guilty he was feeling.
'Two bouquets in one day?' I said, nodding towards the twelve long-stemmed roses which had arrived that morning. 'It's starting looking like a mob funeral around here.'
His face fell. 'You don't like the flowers?'
'I was just trying to be funny.'
'Of course, of course,' he said. 'I was just checking.'
'Thank you.'
'No – thank you.'
'For what?'
'For putting up with me. I know it can't be easy.'
'All I want is a degree of equitableness between us.'
'You've got it. I promise.'
'Honestly?'
He took me in his arms.
'I've gotten this all wrong. And I'm going to change that.'
'Good,' I said, and kissed his forehead.
'I love you.'
'You too,' I said quickly, hoping I didn't sound unconvincing. But George had his mind on other things, as he asked, 'Is that meatloaf I smell?'
I nodded.
'You are wonderful.'
For the next few weeks, George really did make an effort to establish an entente cordiale between us. He excised all domestic demands from his conversation. He didn't ask Bea to call me with more of his favorite recipes. He accepted the fact that I couldn't iron a suit. He agreed when I suggested we start spending five dollars twice a week for a cleaning woman. He tried to be attentive – especially as my pregnancy had now become visible, and I was starting to tire easily. He tried to be loving and considerate.
In short, he tried. And I tried too. I tried to adjust to a life at home; a life away from the edgy rhythms and manic diversity of a great city. I tried to adjust to the business of running a house; to being that creature I always secretly vowed never to become: a homemaker in the suburbs.
Most of all, I tried to adjust to marriage – to that sense of shared space, shared preoccupations, shared purpose and destiny. Only I knew deep down that there was no real sense of shared anything. Had it not been for our little biological accident, our engagement would have collapsed within months (especially after I'd gotten a whiff of just how controlling his mother could be). But now, here we were, playing house, trying to pretend that we were happy newlyweds, yet also secretly knowing that all this was fraudulent. Because there was no real basis between us – no solid foundation of camaraderie or true rapport. Let alone love.
I sensed that George knew this too. Within a month of our wedding, we started to run out of things to say to each other. Yes, we made conversation, but it was forced, labored, prone to longueurs. We didn't share each other's interests. His Connecticut friends were country club types. The men all seemed to talk about golf, the Dow Jones average, and the ongoing horror that was Harry S. Truman. The women traded recipes and maternity tips, and planned coffee mornings, and looked upon me with great suspicion. Not that I was flashing my former Greenwich Village credentials in their face. I went to three coffee mornings, and tried to join in the conversations about the perils of stretch marks and the impossibility of making a really moist Angel Food cake. But I know that they smelled my disinterest. I wasn't 'one of them'. I struck them as bookish, and reserved, and not at all enthralled by my newfound status as a kept woman. I really did work hard at 'fitting in', but ambivalence is always sniffed out. Especially when it's a clique that's doing the sniffing.
Eric insisted on paying me a visit once a week. He'd catch a late morning train up from Grand Central, and spend the entire day with me, grabbing the 6.08 that night back to the city . . . just in time to avoid having to deal with George. I'd make us lunch. Then, if the weather was good, I'd arrange for him to have use of a bicycle from Flannery's Garage (the owner, Joe Flannery, and I had become friends), and we'd head off to Todd's Point, squandering the entire afternoon at the beach.
'I'll tell you something, S,' he said one balmy Thursday afternoon in mid-May, while we were sprawled on the blanket, staring up at an early summer sun. 'Old Greenwich may be the most white-bread place on earth . . . but I sure as hell could get used to the beach.'
'This beach is my sanity,' I said.
'It's that bad, is it?'
'Well, he's not beating me with a lead pipe or chaining me to a radiator . . .'
'At least that would be colorful . . .'
I laughed loudly. 'You have a serious sick streak, Eric.'
'You've only figured that out now?'
'No – but maybe when I was in the Sodom and Gomorrah of Manhattan, your wit didn't seem so extreme.'
'Whereas here, in WASP Central . . .'
'Oh, if you lived here, you'd be considered the Antichrist. They'd probably have you in the stocks on the village green.'
The Pursuit Of Happiness Page 29
