by J. M. Madden
Her fear didn’t ease the second time she thought it either. Mac was her rock, her touchstone. He had literally saved her life and he’d been protecting her ever since, even though the danger was well past. He’d walked into her home and made it better for them both and had not asked for anything in return.
If he thought he was going to be leaving soon, though, he was not as attached to her as she was to him, apparently. Time to scramble to begin rebuilding the wall around her emotions.
“I know,” she said, voice cool, though her heart was quivering. “I’ve gotten used to our… arrangement.”
He stared at her, and there was something brewing behind his eyes. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but it put her on edge. “What?”
Mac blinked, then gave her that crooked smile, but this time it seemed a little sad. “Nothing, Roz.”
For some reason her heart hurt and she wasn’t sure why. She had a feeling she had just missed something important, but she wasn’t sure what.
Chapter Three
Mac tried not to be resentful as he cleaned up their dinner and put the leftovers away. Roz had gone into the living room to do something, and he wondered if she even realized how much she had hurt him by her cool response. Or was she still so lost in herself that she didn’t even see why he was here.
Some part of him was hoping that she would understand that he wouldn’t have completely upended his life for just anyone. He had only done it for her.
In spite of the traumas she’d suffered, he could see the woman shining beneath, and he knew that she would overcome everything life put in her way. He just had to give her time.
She didn’t seem to realize that he had feelings for her. It wasn’t a surprise to him, though. Roz had met him the first time with a shotgun in hand, and he was intrigued. She struck him as a woman who could protect herself, completely. It was only later that he realized how brittle she was emotionally. There was an incredible protective shell around her that kept her from feeling too many emotions, and he was still outside that shell, even after all they’d been through.
Offering to come home with her after the Columbus fiasco had been a spur of the moment decision, but he didn’t regret it. Never would. It had given him even more insight into her amazing heart and her will to survive. Roz was beautiful to him, and he loved everything about her.
Would he like to be closer to her? Of course. But he was very aware that physical closeness was a balancing act with her. She didn’t mind hugs as long as she saw him coming and he thought she’d gotten used to his little, everyday touches, but he didn’t dare lean in for a kiss. He didn’t know the details of her rape, but he could see the effect it had left upon her, and in spite of his need for her he would never endanger her mental well-being. If he had to blue-ball it for the next ten years, he would do it. She deserved his patience. And he thought her love would be worth it in the end.
So, he tamped down his need and sense of futility. When he’d said something about going back to real life, he’d wanted her to say something more than she’d gotten used to their arrangement. Like he was a second irritating cat she’d learned to live with and barely tolerated.
Crossing to the wall hooks by the door he grabbed a jacket, shrugging it on. Roz peeked around the corner at him from the hallway. “Are you going out?”
“Yeah. I’ll be back in a while.”
He could tell she wanted to say more but didn’t, and he kind of hoped she realized he was aggravated with her. He’d been the nice, accepting guy as long as he could. Some kind of acknowledgement would be nice. He was in love with the damn woman, but he knew if he told her she would spook.
The walk and the chilly air did him good. For a while he sat at the gazebo in the woods, letting the sound of the night wrap him in comfort. He could sit here for hours just listening to the stories the woods told.
When he heard the crunch of leaves, he was surprised. Roz came down the path, wrapped in one of his outdoor flannel shirts. Mac liked seeing her in them, though it swamped her smaller frame. One night when she’d stayed in the gazebo late, she’d been almost frozen and he’s made her put his flannel on. Since then she’d worn them often, if her own jacket was misplaced or out of reach. He didn’t mind. It made him feel like he was taking care of her in some small way.
“Mind if I join you?” she asked, moving toward the chair beside his.
“Of course,” he murmured.
She settled to the chair and sighed as she looked out over the stream. There was a natural glen here where the stream kind of meandered. About a hundred yards further on it started down the mountain, picking up speed. Mac hadn’t followed it all the way down, but far enough that he knew where it ended up. When he’d first arrived, he’d scoped out the entire mountain, his Green Beret training serving him well. He’d memorized the tracks of the four-legged animals as well as the two-legged, dismantling the old still he’d found on the East side of the mountain taking advantage of this stream.
The moonlight danced on the water now and even though it was cold, it was hauntingly beautiful. “This was how the town was.” Roz murmured. “They’d decorated with those little white lights and it felt like a fairyland. It’s hard to imagine bad stuff when your surroundings are so beautiful.”
“Yes,” he agreed softly. “The lights are my favorite part of Christmas. I have an in at the Columbus Zoo and I used to go over and just hang out, watch them string up the lights around the exhibits.”
“That’s cool,” she breathed. “I loved that zoo. Trevor and I went there too many times to count when he was growing up, and we went to the Wildlights many times.”
“I went last year. It’s changed a lot over the years.”
In the moonlight he could see the slight smile on her face. “I’d like to see it again.”
He wondered if she really meant that. Did he dare ask her?
“Let’s go.”
He could see her mouth drop open as she turned her head toward him. She didn’t say anything for a long time and he could almost feel her fighting her demons.
“Let’s call Parker and Andromeda and see if they’ll be home this week. We’ll stop in for a day or two, go see the lights.” He laughed and knew he was going to make her angry. “If you’re tired of me you can just leave me there.”
Roz jerked her head toward him. “I’m not tired of you,” she said quickly, and looked down at her knotted hands. “In fact…”
Mac waited for her to continue, but her voice trailed away. “Yes?”
She sighed forcefully and swung her legs to the side of the chair so that she was facing him. “I want you to know how much I’ve appreciated you being here. I know I said it earlier, but I really mean it. I haven’t ever felt so safe. I thought it was the cabin, and you in the cabin, but now I’m beginning to think it’s because of you. You make me feel safe.”
Mac went still, afraid to move in case he spooked her. He’d never expected her to say the words. But then, he always knew she was strong. “I would never let anything happen to you, Roz.” He reached out and gripped her wringing hands, stilling them. “Literally, I would protect you with my life.”
She heaved a sigh and looked up at him. In the light of the cold moon he could see tears glistening in her eyes. “I know you would,” she whispered. “But it doesn’t make this any easier.”
She looked down at their hands and her fingers ran over his big thumbs. “You know, I’ve never— not for one single minute— worried that you would hurt me physically. I realized earlier that I can recover from anything physical. I have before and I probably will again. The emotion, though, that’s what really sends you into a tailspin…”
Roz glanced up at him and her eyes seemed to be trying to tell him something, but he wasn’t sure. “Roz, you are literally one of the strongest women I know. And I would never hurt you. If there’s something you need let me know and I’ll do everything in my power to help you. I would like to think we’ve at least become friends
through all this.”
She barked out a laugh and those trembling tears slipped down her cheeks, glistening in the moonlight. Mac had seen her cry before, but this felt different. It made his heart ache. “Honey, what’s wrong? Please let me help you…” he growled, going down on his knees in front of her.
Roz lifted her hands from his and cupped his cheeks. With a shuddering, hiccupping breath, she leaned forward and barely brushed her lips across his. Mac went completely still, not daring to breathe, not daring to move. Then the gravity of the moment struck him, and he realized he couldn’t not respond to her. This had to be her first kiss since the attack, and it would humiliate her if he didn’t respond. He just had to figure out how much to give her without scaring her.
Leaving his hands clenched against his thighs, he tilted his head to fit their lips better. God, she tasted good. As good as he’d expected. Better, actually. Did he dare try to touch her? He had to. Lifting one hand to cup her cheek he wiped the tears away with his thumb. Then he forced himself to lean back from the kiss.
“What is this, Roz?” he asked quietly. “I understand you feel safe with me. You don’t have to do some grand gesture to try to show me how safe you feel.”
She crossed her arms beneath her breasts, shaking her head, looking forlorn. “That’s not why I did it,” she whispered. “I want to be the woman I was seven years ago. I want to be the woman who made a life for her and her son on their own, and bought a house and had a successful career. I want to be that carefree, confident woman that walked into work and saved lives. I want to be the woman who had no problem telling a guy she liked him and leaning in for a kiss, even when the location wasn’t appropriate.” For a second she grinned, glancing around, then it faded away. “I don’t know if it was the coffee shop or what, but I’m tired of hiding out and waiting for the world to change. I know it’s not. But I know I can change. I have before.”
She drew in a huge breath and he could see she was building her courage for something. Mac tried not to hope it was about him. He didn’t have any right to hope that. Actually, in his heart, he knew he would be ecstatic if she’d decided to do something for herself.
“Mac,” she said eventually, “I may be way out of line, but I want you… I want…” she shook her head in frustration, her hands wringing again.
Mac reached out and covered her small hands, looking into her eyes. “Just take a breath. It’s only me. I’m not going to judge you for anything. I told you that a long time ago.”
She blinked at him and nodded. “I want us to be more than roommates. I want to try, anyway. You give me hope that my heart hasn’t completely crumbled into pieces. Whether you realize it or not, you’ve been my rock as I’ve tried to glue all those tiny little pieces together. But it’s a bitch, I have to tell you,” she laughed.
Mac had to look down at their hands, his throat tight with emotion. “I will stand at your side as long as you let me, warrior woman,” he admitted, voice barely more than a whisper. “And I will buy you all the glue I can.”
She laughed again, her face softening. “This really isn’t fair to you. I can’t even guarantee what I’ll be on the other end of this. It will have to be a process. Physically, I’ve been… noticing things that make me think I’m not a total lost cause. But I’m a long way from jumping into bed with anyone.”
He leaned back, lifting a brow. “Noticing things?”
She cleared her throat and tugged at her hands, but he held them gently. “Yes,” she admitted, “things.”
“Like,” he questioned softly.
He thought that even in the moonlight he could see her cheeks flush. It made him smile, in spite of himself.
“You look very good with your beard trimmed,” she said softly, finally pulling one of her hands away to stroke his jaw. “It allows me see your lips.”
Mac’s heart raced and he knew he had to be careful. “It’s only fair. I’ve been dreaming about your lips for a long time.”
She blinked at him, and her mouth fell open a little. “You have?”
He nodded once. “Of course. I would love to stand beside you as you rebuild your heart, Roz. Just in the few months I’ve been here I’ve seen a change in you. Time after time you’ve amazed me with your strength. You fight with everything you are. I know it won’t happen soon, but I want you to know I’m willing to wait for you. You are completely worth it.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks again and she leaned into him for a hug. Mac cradled her gently in his arms, nuzzling his nose into her hair. “I love you,” he breathed, “and I know we can be perfect together, if you’re willing to give us a chance.”
She nodded against him, her arms tightening around his shoulders at his words. “I want to be there too. If you can be my buffer, I want to try to get out into the world again. I want to go for coffee and see the animals and the lights. And I want to be with people again, but this isn’t a fair proposition for you.”
“Hey,” he said, pulling back, searching her face. “Don’t look at it that way. Don’t worry about me. Like I said, I’m willing to wait for you. And if for some reason it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Sex is a very small part of a relationship.”
“But important,” she argued.
“Yes, it is, but we have time. Let’s start with smaller steps and work up to it.”
Leaning in he pressed a kiss to her lips. Roz softened against him
“Let’s go to Columbus,” she breathed, “and see the lights.”
Laughing, he nodded, lifting her to her feet. “Let’s go pack a bag, my warrior.”
A Family Affair
John and Shannon are reader favorites, and some of my favorites as well. I love returning to them and catching up.
In Lost and Found Pieces, the boys were 6 months old and super cute. Now they’re 18 months old and mobile. And Uncle Aiden can come for a visit like a normal person, rather than sneaking around in the night! Lol!
If you haven’t read Aiden and Angela’s story, Chaos, you should.
And you might enjoy reading Lost and Found Pieces 1 first.
Copyright © 2020 by J.M. Madden A Family Affair
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
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Chapter One
“Why are you nervous?”
Aiden glanced at Angela, then back at the road, thinking about his answer.
“I can tell you are. The air around us changes when you brood.”
“Really?” he looked at her again. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a downer.”
She sighed, reaching out to rest her hand on his thigh. “You’re not being a downer. This feels heavier than how you normally are, though. We’ve been to their house before and you’ve played with the kids before, many times.”
“I know, but this is Christmas Eve.” He gave her an even longer look, trying to make her understand, but he didn’t think she did. Angela had had a decent upbringing. She wouldn’t understand the gravity of the occasion in his heart.
Aiden flicked the blinker on and pulled through a Starbucks, getting her the crème brulee thing she liked. He ordered himself a venti Pike’s Peak with cream. Then he pulled around the building and into one of the empty parking spots, shifting the car into park but keeping it running for the heat. There was almost a foot of snow outside, though that didn’t stop Denver. They just pushed it to the side, kicked it into four-wheel drive and kept on with their lives. Aiden admired the mobility of the city.
“I don’t remember a lot of Christmases as a kid,” he said thoughtfully. “When I was still with our mother, I think I remember a few things. A tiny little tree with that silver tinsel stuff all over it, a few matchbox toys. I remember getting a box of clothes the year after John left and reali
zing they were his. I recognized them, kind of. I remember wearing one shirt till it was like, threadbare. Then she pitched it.” He thought he could still remember the feel of the rough fabric, softened by time and many washings. “I don’t know how long she kept me after she gave my brother away, but I remember there being this heavy feeling weighing us down. No matter what we did, she never smiled the same way any more. She never laughed.”
He wasn’t sure when but Angela had taken his hand in her own, interweaving their fingers. Her nails were blunt and no-nonsense and she had a scrape on her knuckles from a scuffle at work she’d refused to tell him about. Probably because he couldn’t help but be protective.
“You know, it had to have been hard deciding to give up her children,” Angela said, her voice soft. “No matter what other things she did in her life, she was a mother and it had to have been hard to let you go. I can’t imagine.”
Aiden looked into her blue-gray eyes and knew that she was a completely different kind of woman from his mother. There was a morality to Angela that he’d never seen in another human being, and it wasn’t just because she was a cop. She would take care of her children, if and when they decided to have them. And no matter what happened to him, she would take care of them, he knew that in his heart.
His mind, on the other hand, was a little slow in accepting that she was as good as she seemed, which made him feel like crap. A couple of times, now, Angela had dropped subtle hints about commitment and as enthusiastic as he’d been about being in a relationship with her, the thought of being tied down was a little terrifying. Angela had moved into the warehouse and they had modified it into a more livable space. Now that Fontana was with Jordyn and Wulfe was with Elizabeth, the warehouse was more than big enough for the two of them. And fucking Chester, Angela’s foul tempered cat. Aiden had taken out most of the proximity alarms and booby traps, but he’d never seen a more bad tempered animal. Twice now he’d stepped into nasty entrails, left at the bedroom door. Angela swore Chester was proving his worth, but he sincerely doubted that. The damnable cat seemed to hate him.
