by Shilpa Suraj
‘No, I don’t.’ The quiet words cut through the room.
‘I don’t know anything about the person you’ve become.’ She continued quietly, ‘And after our last conversation, I wonder if I even knew the boy you were.’
‘Would it kill you to try and understand my reasons for leaving?’
‘It killed me to hear them.’ She kept her eyes level and waited a beat to steady her voice before continuing. ‘You didn’t have any faith in me or in our relationship. That’s as much my failure as yours. Anyway, it’s all in the past now. There isn’t any point in going over it again.’
‘It’s only in the past if we want it to be.’ Ryan’s low voice had her hackles rising. ‘You loved me once.’
‘Once.’
His expression guarded, ‘Is there nothing left?’ he asked.
Ignoring the thundering of her traitorous heart, she shook her head. ‘It took me a very long time to wipe out my feelings for you. I have nothing left.’
‘Because I kissed her?’
‘No,’ a sad smile touched her lips as she said, ‘Because it doesn’t matter to me whether you did or not.’
She watched as he nodded once and walked out of the room and out of her life for the second time. Listening to the door bang shut behind him, Sia closed her eyes and whispered. ‘I can’t afford to feel anything for you and I refuse to. I’m sorry.’
Dry eyed, she sat down and started typing out the rest of her email until her fingers trembled too much to continue.
Chapter 15
It was amazing how much work you could get done when you needed to keep your mind occupied. She’d accomplished more in her life both personally and professionally in the last six weeks, Sia mused, than she probably had in the last six months. She’d gotten through umpteen client meetings, identified a very promising manuscript by a new author, helped Adarsh fine tune his competition, attended two weddings of close friends, organized her extremely messy closet, cleaned and dusted every inch of her home and to top it all off, the icing on the cake, she’d gotten promoted! From Assistant Editor to Senior Editor of the Romantic Fiction Department. Life was perfect. It really couldn’t get better.
‘Congratulations to me!’ she muttered under her breath.
So why the hell did she feel so lousy? Groaning, she dropped her face into her hands and let herself think about him. It had been six weeks but she couldn’t get the look on his face during their last confrontation out of her mind. She wouldn’t let Ryan close again. Even if she could get past the fact that he hadn’t had any faith in her, too much had happened. She couldn’t even explain it to him. Or to anyone else. Struggling to suppress the unpleasant memories from her marriage that still rose to haunt her, Sia tried to focus her thoughts. Pushing him away was the only sane and logical option and she wasn’t going to accomplish that by being nice. Acknowledging the irony of her thoughts, Sia laughed hard enough to bring tears to her eyes. If the laughter didn’t have any humour in it, there was no one to notice. Snapping herself out of the hysteria she felt bubbling up, Sia scrubbed the wetness from her cheeks. Needing to get away from the chaos in her mind, she sent an email to her boss asking for a couple of days off. It was Friday, so combined with the weekend those two days would make for a nice break. When the ping of her email alert told her that her request for time off had been accepted, she breathed a sigh of relief.
Feeling better even at the thought of time away, she set on wrapping up the loose ends at work before leaving for the day. She was midway through a particularly torrid manuscript when a knock sounded on her door. Looking up, she found Adarsh grinning at her from the doorway.
‘Hi.’ Smiling her pleasure, she stood and rounded the desk to hug him. She laughed out loud when he wrapped his arms around her, lifted her off the ground and spun her in a quick whirl. Steadying herself with a hand on his chest when he put her down, she said, ‘That’s quite a welcome.’
‘I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing someone smile until you looked up from that desk.’ Lifting her hand to his lips and planting a kiss on it with a loud smack, he pulled back and took in her grinning face. He didn’t miss the unhappiness in her eyes that she couldn’t hide even through her pleasure at seeing him.
Stepping away, he walked over to her desk to pick up the manuscript she was reading and glanced through it.
‘Her breasts heaved in passion as he rubbed his massive spear against her.’ Hooting in laughter, he didn’t resist when she swiped it out of his hand.
Chuckling, Sia dropped the manuscript into a drawer and sat on the edge of her desk. ‘How long are you here for?’
‘Just till the end of next week. We’re wrapping up the brief completely and then we’ll be heading back for good. I thought I’d work through the weekend so we can finish up quicker.’
Noting the instinctive wince she couldn’t quite conceal, he continued, ‘Ryan may not even come down. Or if he does, it will be only for a day or so at the end of next week.’
‘I didn’t ask.’ She reminded him tartly.
‘Doesn’t mean you don’t want to know.’ Flashing her an unrepentant grin, he waited for her to ask more. When she didn’t, he tried to think of his next move while he fiddled with the pens and pencils in her pen stand until she slapped his hand to make him stop.
‘Cut it out. Does Minty know you’re back in town?’
‘Yes. I stopped by her desk first. She’s got a weird looking thing by her phone. Is it supposed to be a monkey?’
Grinning, Sia moved her pen stand away from his inquisitive fingers and said, ‘She has a new admirer. He gave her that yesterday when he asked her out.’
‘He gave her a weird monkey mutant thing when asking her out on a date?’
‘It’s a gag gift, dumbass.’
‘I bet he’s a virgin. No one with moves like that can ever score.’
‘She said yes.’ That stopped his chuckling soon enough. Smiling, Sia continued, ‘It’s some kind of an in-joke between them. You’ll have to ask her to explain it.’
‘This should be good. Why don’t the three of us grab dinner tonight? We can catch up on everything that’s been happening.’
‘I can’t.’ She said, regretfully. ‘I’m leaving town early tomorrow morning for a few days. I should be back by Wednesday. Why don’t we catch up then?’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To see my parents.’
‘Everything okay?’
‘Yes. I’m just planning to go to my parent’s house for a bit. They stay in a beach house on the East Coast road. I feel like a bit of peace and quiet.’ Shifting restlessly, she tried to change the topic. ‘So how’s Mumbai been?’
‘Terrible. It’s raining continuously which is unpleasant enough as it is but to add to it, Ryan keeps snarling and growling at everyone like a caged bear.’
Ignoring the last bit, Sia said ‘I heard there might be floods if the rains keep up in Mumbai.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I’m drowning anyway.’ Heaving a theatrical sigh, he moved away. ‘We’ll catch up when you get back then?’
‘Sounds like a plan. See you then.’ Pulling the manuscript out again, Sia picked up a pencil.
‘Sia?’
‘Hmmm?’ Her mind already on work, she looked up with a frown pleating her forehead.
‘He’s a mess. He spends all his time either working himself into an early grave at the office or drinking himself into it at home.’
Putting her pencil down, Sia sighed. ‘Adarsh-’
‘Don’t tell me you don’t care. You’re a horrible liar.’
‘Of course I care. I just don’t know what you expect me to do.’ Helpless, Sia tried to stem her rising tide of emotions.
‘I would have thought his best friend would have been able to answer that.’
Sia managed a slightly watery smile, ‘I thought that was you.’
‘No. I might have filled in for you for the last six years but it’s always been you. He needs you. No
w more than ever.’ Raising a hand in farewell, he left her to the jumble of her thoughts.
* * *
Slinging her duffel bag over her shoulder, Sia rang the doorbell. When she got no response, she walked to the side so she could peek in through the window. It looked like her parents weren’t home. Scanning the driveway and taking in the car that was missing, she pulled her phone out to call them. When neither would pick up their mobile phones, she gave up and shoved the phone back into her jeans pocket. You would have thought they would have been waiting to welcome their only daughter. Disgruntled, she sat down on the porch. She was starving. She hadn’t eaten anything all day because she’d been saving up her appetite for her mother’s cooking. Gazing longingly at the house, she rubbed her stomach to stifle the growl of hunger.
Inspiration striking, she walked around the side of the house till she was halfway to the back. Looking up, she saw that the window to her bedroom was open. Letting out a happy yelp, she dropped her duffel bag to the ground and quickly scaled the tree that grew parallel to her window. Reaching the branch that hovered right next to the window, she gauged the distance carefully before jumping. Realising too late that she’d mistimed it a little, she landed with her stomach against the ledge outside the window and her legs dangling below. Huffing a little now, she got a good grip on the window sill and started to pull herself up.
Seconds later, she let out a loud squeal of fright when something hard hit her bottom. Yelping with pain, she lost her grasp on the sill and landed with a crash in the hedge right underneath.
‘Sia?’
Rubbing the stinging patch on her backside, she looked up to see her mother standing over her brandishing a broomstick.
‘Why in the world were you climbing in through the bedroom window? Why didn’t you just ring the doorbell?’
Glaring at her, Sia got up painfully. ‘I did. You didn’t open the door so I thought no one was home.’
Looking slightly abashed, her mother said, ‘Oh! I suppose I did have the music on too loud while I was cleaning the kitchen. I probably didn’t hear it. Why didn’t you call on my mobile?’
‘Ma!’ Sia groaned. ‘I did all of that. You didn’t answer that either! Are you laughing at me?’ Outraged, she watched her mother try valiantly to stifle her laughter.
Giving up, Leena dropped the broomstick and clutched her sides, laughing helplessly. Feeling her own lips twitch in response, Sia limped over and grabbed her duffel bag. ‘Even my bruises are going to have bruises.’
Gasping as she wiped tears of laughter from her cheeks, her mother bent over to pick up her weapon. ‘I thought you were a burglar.’
‘So you decided to come out and attack this burglar with a broomstick. Ma, that’s ridiculous and dangerous. If I really was a burglar, you could have gotten hurt.’
Leading the way inside, her mother gave an embarrassed shrug. ‘Maybe it wasn’t a very well thought out plan. I saw a pair of jeans disappearing over the drawing room window and reacted instinctively.’
Dropping the broomstick in the storeroom, her mother turned to hug her. Wrapping her arms around her tightly, Sia returned the hug. After giving her one last squeeze, Sia moved back to inspect what was simmering on the stove.
Smacking the finger Sia was trying to dip into the curry to taste, she ordered ‘Sit. I’ll serve you and bring it over to the table.’
Sending up a fervent prayer of gratitude, she dug into the heaped plate her mother put in front of her. Chewing quickly, she asked. ‘Where’s dad? He didn’t pick up his mobile either.’
‘He’s gone to visit a friend. He must have left his phone in the car or something.’
Watching Sia eat like she hadn’t seen food in decades, she shook her head, smiling before asking. ‘To what do we owe the honour of this unexpected visit?’
Washing down a mouthful of food with a sip of water, Sia replied. ‘Can’t I visit my parents because I miss them?’
‘Of course you can but that’s not what you’re doing here. You’re a horrible liar so don’t even bother trying.’
‘You’re the second person to tell me that in two days.’ Sia grumbled.
‘Oh?’ Arching an eyebrow, Leena waited for her to continue.
Putting her spoon down, Sia wondered how best to approach this. When nothing came to mind, she said baldly. ‘Ryan was in town for a few weeks. His company has been working on a project for ours. He came back.’ Ending with a lame swish of her hand, she waited for her mother to respond.
‘So he came back and you came running here?’
‘It’s not that simple, ma.’
‘Sometimes it is that simple.’ Getting up to refill Sia’s plate, Leena waited. She knew her daughter well enough to know she would talk only when she was ready.
‘He left me. How can I forget that?’
Understanding the hurt behind the question, Leena walked over to place the plate in front of her. ‘I think the more important question is can you forgive that?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. I loved him so much, ma.’
‘Do you still love him?’
‘I don’t want to.’ The whisper conveyed so much more than the words spoken.
Wishing she could say something to dull the anguish she saw in her daughter’s eyes, Leena reached across the table to hold her hand. ‘You must have loved him very much if it still hurts this badly.’
Shaking her head, Sia put her spoon down. She needed to get this out. ‘He found out that his father wasn’t actually his father.’ Searching her mother’s eyes, she drew a shaky breath. ‘You knew?’
‘Almost everyone who knew them knew. He doesn’t have anything of that man in him, thank God.’
‘He left because he thought that one fact would make a difference. He left me because he didn’t have enough faith in me. I don’t think there is anything I could have found out about him or myself at that time that would have made me doubt his love for me.’ She picked up her spoon again with a bitter laugh.
‘I know that he hurt you Sia, and as your mother I hurt for you just as much but sometimes in life we need to try and see if the person was wrong or if just their actions were. He was young and hurting too. People don’t always make the right decisions at times like that. Have you always made the right decisions in life? Every single time?’
‘No.’ Sia whispered.
‘He’s human, Sia. He’s made some mistakes but so have you. I’m not asking you to fall in love with him again but I am asking you to be more understanding of the circumstances that led to his mistakes. You have always had the love and reassurance of your family, Sia, he hasn’t. When the only thing you’ve known growing up is love, it’s easy to be confident of your partner’s love. When you have children, you will realize how much of a difference knowing they’re loved will make in shaping their choices. I hate the fact that he hurt you but I can’t find it in me to hate him. And I can’t forget that the happiest I have ever seen my daughter was when she was with him.’
When Sia only stared down at her plate without responding, she went on. ‘Sweetheart, let the past go. You can’t move forward if you don’t. Where you go from here is up to you but you’ll never figure out where you want to go, if you don’t let go of the baggage.’
‘Ma?’ Choking on the words, Sia tried to explain the rest of what was bothering her. ‘I need to-’The blare of her father’s car horn cut off the rest of her words.
‘Eat. Finish your food. We have plenty of time to talk.’ She gave Sia a bolstering squeeze before walking out to greet her husband.
Chapter 16
It had been a really long day. Ryan had worked till twelve the previous night and woken up at three to catch the early morning flight out of Mumbai. Ignoring the fact that his pulse quickened at the thought of being in the same city as Sia again, he’d reached the office early and had been in back to back meetings till noon. He’d spent the rest of the day with his head buried in files only to have two idiots barge into his
office and start blabbering. Trying to reorient himself, he tuned into the conversation and figured out that they were telling him something about Sia not being around.
‘She’s not here?’ Ryan stared at Adarsh and Minty. ‘What do you mean she’s not here?’
‘It means she’s somewhere else. Somewhere that’s not here.’ The ferocity of the glare levelled at him had Adarsh moving to stand behind Minty for safety.
‘Where is she?’ Ryan growled, not missing the look Adarsh and Minty exchanged.
‘On holiday.’
Wondering which one of them to strangle first, Ryan ground out, ‘On holiday? I thought she was missing or something.’
Not willing to answer him and have her head taken off, Minty took in his shadowed cheeks and dark circles. ‘Have you been sleeping?’
Ignoring her question, Ryan raked a frustrated hand through his hair and tried to make sense of this inane conversation.
‘What are you doing here anyway Ryan? I thought you were only coming in at the end of the week.’ Ardash bravely ventured to ask.
‘I had some last minute loose ends to tie up. In case it’s missed your attention we have other clients to handle as well and trying to do so remotely is always a challenge. The sooner we’re done here, the sooner I can move on with my life.’ Appalled at what had slipped out, he asked ‘Was there anything else?’
When they only looked at each other and shook their heads in unison, he raised an eyebrow and asked derisively ‘Have the two of you completely lost your minds? You decided to randomly interrupt my work and inform me that Sia has gone on holiday? When you said she wasn’t here, I assumed you were worried about her and wanted my help to find her.’
Uncomfortably realizing that Ryan was his friend but also his boss, Adarsh started to back away when Minty spoke up, ‘It’s after six in the evening, so we thought you might be done with work. We thought maybe you were holing yourself up in the cabin to avoid coming face to face with Sia.’ Realising how lame she sounded, Minty stopped talking.
‘I was holing myself up in the office to work.’ Ryan looked like he was grinding his teeth to powder.
