Except he wasn’t prepared for that gray-blue gaze to land on him after weeks of silence. James looked exhausted but his focus shook Josh to his very core. Josh was just barely aware of how Stephanie looked back and forth between them and how she tried to stop him from taking the steps he was apparently making toward James without even realizing it.
He moved through the crowd, a thousand different scenarios and statements running through his mind. He wanted to rip the man apart and demand answers. He wanted to cry. He wanted to walk right past him and out of the door then run as fast as he could in his fancy dress shoes as far away as they would carry him.
Josh did none of those things. He kept his expression as neutral as possible as he walked right up to Jamie. He hardly even registered Jamie’s unsettled eyes.
“Josh, I—”
Josh raised his hand, not wanting to hear whatever poor excuse was about to leave his mouth. And he had to ask this before anything else happened and the barely stitched seams that were just holding him together ripped permanently. “I need a favor. And I’m hoping that regardless of what happened between us, you can do this one thing for me, because it’s really important.”
James blinked, stepping closer. Josh hardly registered the surprise that crossed his face. He was sure he was just doing his best to remain detached, knowing that if he allowed himself to feel…
“Anything, Josh. Name it.”
“My mother is here. I didn’t—” He cleared his throat, rubbing his hand over his mouth and bearded jaw. “I haven’t been able to tell her that we weren’t—aren’t—whatever. She still thinks we are, and I didn’t have it in me to take it away from her just yet. But she’s here and she knows who you are, and if I don’t introduce her to you—”
“Yes,” James answered immediately. It was Josh’s turn to be surprised.
“Yes?”
“Yes. I’ll be your boyfriend. It’s fine.” He offered the smallest of smiles and reached for Josh’s hand. Josh’s heart jumped, the touch sending his emotions into a tizzy. “I’ll make sure she knows everything is great,” he assured Josh as he caressed his thumb over Josh’s knuckles. Josh stared at the contact before his gaze flickered back up to those cloudy blues that had been haunting him. They were so soft that it was unfair. How could he look like this after ignoring him for weeks?
“You will?” Josh asked, shocked. James nodded, smiling wider now.
“Yeah, I will. Congratulations, by the way.” James leaned up and pressed his lips to Josh’s cheek, further confusing Josh and earning a murmured aww through the crowd.
Josh frowned as James leaned away, smiling the smile that lived in Josh’s dreams. He kept Josh’s hand and turned to face Sarah, seemingly unaware of the evening’s photographer, who was snapping photos for the company newsletter and press releases. Josh followed, almost numb. He held himself together, forcing a smile as they approached his mother and she approached them, a confused Nadia and Andrew in tow. Josh met Stephanie’s wide eyes over the crowd and he just shrugged one shoulder then focused solely on his mother as she practically squealed with joy.
“You must be Jamie,” she greeted him, even though they all knew that she knew exactly who he was. “It’s so wonderful to finally meet you.”
Sarah Roberts was nothing but warm sweetness. She gave James the biggest of smiles as he only released Josh’s hand to lean into Sarah, kissing her cheek fondly. “Mrs. Roberts, it’s my pleasure. I’m so glad to finally meet you. Josh raves about his mother. I’m so sorry I couldn’t make Thanksgiving,” he offered with a wide smile of his own, shaking her hand with both of his. Josh had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping at the scene because… Thanksgiving?
“Oh, it’s all right. You’re a busy man,” she accepted easily.
James flushed a little and Josh couldn’t help but wonder why. Was it because he felt bad? Josh wished that were the case but didn’t hold his breath.
“Why don’t I make it up to you by touring you around your son’s incredible work? And you can tell me all the embarrassing stories of his childhood?”
Sarah laughed, delighted. “Oh, Joshua, he’s as much the charmer as you said.” Josh wanted to give her a deadpan look but he kept it in check.
“Ma, I—”
“Shush, Joshua.” She patted his arm and looped hers around Jamie’s. “What’s your favorite piece? Show me,” she instructed, and without missing a beat, James took her right toward a painting of the night sky over the Italian resort. Josh watched them go, glued to his spot for a moment as Nadia approached, turning to face James and Sarah as well.
“What the hell is that?” she muttered.
“I asked him to pretend for her. And he just…agreed,” he replied just as quietly. Nadia’s eyes widened a fraction.
“You better get the story on what happened.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I fuckin’ plan on it.”
The exhibit’s opening went off without a hitch. The evening was incredible. Everything about it was a dream come true for Josh, including watching James woo his mother the entire evening.
Josh knew Jamie’s skills, how charming the guy could be. He understood firsthand how James could make someone feel like they were the only person in the room. Sarah clearly felt it and Josh did still, every time the man looked at him, every time they made eye contact. It made his insides light up and his heart flutter.
But it also made him more upset as the night wore on. Josh was confused and hurt, and seeing the man he knew he was in love with carrying on with his own mother made it hurt worse. He couldn’t deny it if he wanted to.
“Staring at him like that isn’t going to get you answers.”
The voice pulled him from his hard staring, drawing his attention to the spot beside him at the edge of the room. Margaret stood next to Josh looking absolutely gorgeous, dressed up for this special occasion. The red dress she wore hugged every ounce of her curves and Josh knew she was aware of just how good she looked. She also looked like she was ready to make James Barnwell pay for every sin he’d ever committed.
“You don’t look particularly impressed either,” Josh replied quietly, a small smile quirking his lips.
“Oh, sweetheart, I am most certainly not. I know that man—and his behavior is atrocious.” She sipped her champagne, her red lipstick leaving a mark on the glass. “And if you don’t say something, I absolutely will.” Judging by her tone, Josh had no questions that she would follow through on her word.
“I’m going to,” he replied, albeit weakly. He had no idea what to say or how to say it. She gave him a hard look.
“You better, Joshua. You deserve far better than you’ve been given as of late.” She patted his arm and gave him a softer smile. “Before I leave you to your brooding, who’s the redhead who’s been making eyes at me all night?” Josh’s forehead furrowed until he followed her gaze. Nadia stood close to his mother with Andrew, keeping tabs on James as Josh worked the room. She was also looking their way with unabashed interest. Josh’s smile widened.
“That’s Nadia,” he began. Margaret nodded.
“She worked with you?”
“Well, she’s independent, but yes. She’s very good at her job.”
“Well, excuse me, darling. I need to introduce myself. Be sure you make that man understand how he mishandled your feelings. If you need me, let me know.” She pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek before making a beeline for Nadia, who was ready and waiting for such an interaction. Andrew smirked but kept his eye on Sarah, trailing behind her and James as they moved from artwork to artwork.
Josh considered Margaret’s words and decided he’d confront James once his mother was on her way home. This needed to be between them. He didn’t want her witnessing it. And he’d never dream of making a scene or embarrassing James in such a public place.
It was an agonizing two more hours until Josh was kissing his mother’s cheek and saying goodbye. He’d spent the time walking around with her and Jamie, occasionally
holding Jamie’s hand or conversing over a particular piece of art. He couldn’t contain his emotions when he looked at the man. He imagined it was written all over his face just how much he cared. For the sake of the facade, it wasn’t a bad thing. For Josh’s aching heart, however, it was terribly painful.
The crowd dissipated as Josh said his thanks and good-byes to coworkers and friends. James stayed, talking quietly to Maria about business until the last of the visitors were gone. Gathering his jacket and bag, Josh wondered briefly when the best time would be to grab him. But the longer he stood and waited, finally able to focus on the fact he was about to confront Jamie, all the pent-up anger and hurt was bubbling to the surface. Frustrated, he hit the elevator button three times, deciding that waiting for James maybe wasn’t the best idea.
The doors opened and he stepped in, lost in his thoughts until a hand stuck into the closing door. He lifted his eyes from the floor to find James stepping in, his own winter coat over his suit jacket. He met Josh’s gaze and waited until the doors shut behind him to speak.
“Josh…” he began, his tone laced with some kind of emotion that Josh didn’t allow himself to dissect.
“Jamie,” Josh greeted him curtly, clearing his throat. “Thank you for what you did. I’ll break the news to her—mutual decision and all that, so no one is at fault.” The elevator came to a stop on the ground floor, the doors opening swiftly with the bell. Josh didn’t wait for James to say anything, striding out past him. The museum was closing, and only employees were around. James was following, and with every step they took, Josh was closer to a breaking point. He had a thousand questions, but could his heart take the answers?
He waited to hear the door click shut behind him as he all but bolted out onto the slick sidewalk in front of the Whitney. Snow fell in heavy flakes as he began walking away, ignoring the taxis and Jamie’s waiting town car.
“Josh!” James called out. He kept going until he heard his name a third and a fourth time, the last time more frantic than the others. He stopped and turned on his heel, not realizing James had been chasing him until he discovered him just a few paces behind.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” he began, his hands shoved deep into the warmth of his pockets, him scowling hard. “I can’t even believe you showed up tonight.” Even though his emotions were bubbling, Josh worked to keep them at bay.
“I owe you an apology,” James explained, coming to a stop a few feet from him. “I owe you a lot of apologies.” The snow fell on his hair and shoulders, the dusty light making him look angelic against the darkness. Josh suddenly wanted to cry.
“You do,” he replied angrily. “I broke every rule for you. I dropped everything for you.”
“I didn’t—”
“Yes! You did!” Josh advanced on him, but had to credit James with the fact he didn’t back down. “You begged me to fuck you raw. I gave parts of myself to you I’ve never given anyone, let alone a client. You let me!” His throat tight, Josh forced the words out, finally letting everything pour out of him. He’d been holding it in for weeks. He could no longer do that. Jamie’s eyes were wide as Josh continued, “I can’t believe I let myself fall for you. I can’t believe I actually thought you were a good person. Your blatant disrespect for me—”
“Now just hang on a second,” James snapped as he held his hand up to stop Josh. “Disrespect? We were both there, and you could have denied me. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for going radio silent, but I had some of my own baggage to work through. I was your client, after all. I paid you a substantial amount of—”
“Do not make this about money!” Josh suddenly shouted. “I’ll pay you back every fucking cent you paid me if that’s what you think this is about. Condoms”—he dropped his voice low briefly, aware they were on a public street, though no one else was around—“were a non-negotiable with me and you knew it! You took advantage of—”
“If they were a non-negotiable, why in the hell would you break that kind of rule for me, Josh? I can’t be the first person to ask for that! Why would you give that to me if you weren’t supposed to?”
“Because I have feelings for you!” Josh blurted the words loudly, throwing his arms in the air with exasperation. “I fucking fell for you and I would have given you anything you asked for. I was incapable of saying no. I gave you the one thing I’d never given anyone else, and you never called me again.” He choked on the last word, the hurt he’d felt over the last weeks rearing its ugly head. James stood before him, his own eyes wide with surprise, his jaw slack. Of course he’s surprised, Josh thought sadly. “You know what? Forget it.” Josh turned again, desperate to get away from James before the tears began to fall. “Don’t call me ever again. I don’t do that anymore,” he called over his shoulder as he began to walk away.
“Josh! Josh, stop! We need to talk about this.” James ran up to him, catching Josh by the elbow. He pulled him back, but Josh was quick to shake his arm from his hold.
“There’s nothing to say, Jamie,” he replied, crestfallen. “I made an amateur mistake. I fell for you and it clouded my judgment. I’m sorry.”
“No! No, I’m sorry,” James tried, pulling at Josh to face him, “Listen to me. I got so caught up in my own feelings that I couldn’t see the arrangement anymore.” Josh’s focus shot to Jamie at the confession, and he was dumbfounded. James didn’t seem to notice. “I stopped calling you because I couldn’t keep pretending. It was a shitty thing to do, especially considering everything that happened in Italy—and I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed by my behavior in a lot of ways.” James squared his shoulders and softened his eyes as he gazed on Josh. “But I had to see you tonight. I had to tell you how I feel and how sorry I am for what I did. I’m an idiot—probably should have warned you that first night.” He attempted to lighten the mood with a huff of a laugh, but it fell humorless between them.
Josh stared at Jamie, wide-eyed and taken aback. This was unexpected and a shock. He shook, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to process what James had said. “Your own feelings…?” Josh pressed, needing to understand, needing clarification. James didn’t touch him, but his hand extended out as if he wanted to. It fell short, falling back to his side.
“I care about you, Josh. I didn’t see it for a long time, but…what we had was the best thing I’ve ever had. I…” He stopped, drifting off, and Josh waited, holding his breath, praying that whatever came out next wasn’t worse. “You gave me things I’d never had, made me feel things I didn’t know I could. You…you’re incredible, Josh.” The softest of smiles pulled at Jamie’s lips and Josh’s heart ached. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to figure this out, and I’ve been an absolute dumbass since Italy. Come home with me? Maybe we can talk this out more where we won’t freeze to death?”
The invitation was all Josh had dreamed about since Italy. The man before him, graying temples and handsome lines, admitting his feelings and asking Josh to work it out. It was as though the entire exchange was a dream. If his toes hadn’t been beginning to burn with cold in his dress shoes, he would have written it off as a dream.
But as Josh opened his mouth to say yes, the hurt he’d felt rose back to the surface with a new vengeance. Because if he said yes and gave himself to James one more time, only to be left behind again… He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. His heart throbbed but he hardened himself, setting his jaw.
“No.” It was forced. It hurt, but he wasn’t about to do this all over again. “I can’t.”
Jamie’s face fell as though Josh had punched him. The hope, the soft smile, the gentle wrinkles around his eyes faded into shock as he stared at Josh. “Why?”
“I-I can’t,” Josh managed, shaking his head. “I know you probably didn’t know you hurt me and I’m going to give you that because I need to sleep tonight, but it hurts. You hurt me, Jamie, and I haven’t recovered. I’m not going to do it again if I can help it.”
“Josh, just give me the opportunity to
fix this,” James pleaded.
Josh simply shook his head, his Adam’s apple bobbing with words he couldn’t say. His heart screamed okay but his head knew better. He hadn’t protected himself before now—and he had to. Running back into Jamie’s arms now was foolish. He didn’t trust his voice so he turned, walking away from the one thing he wanted most.
“I’m not going to push,” James called out, “but if you change your mind…”
Josh knew that was an open invitation. And he’d hold on to it—for now.
* * * *
Josh wasn’t even sure how he ended up there. He wasn’t sure how far he’d walked or how many hours it had been. But his slick dress shoes were ruined as he stood on the stoop in the heavy snowfall, hoping the person inside would answer the door. Not because he was frozen—which he was, since he had no idea how long his toes had been numb for or when he’d lost the feeling in his fingers—but because he had so much to say, and he didn’t want to lose his chance.
The door pulled open after what felt like an eternity though was probably only a few minutes. James stood squinting on the other side, clearly half asleep. His white T-shirt was wrinkled, his sweatpants slightly off center. He looked adorable and every inch the man Josh had fallen in love with.
“Josh?” Josh sniffled, his nose running now that he had spent several hours in the cold. “You must be frozen! Get in here!”
This time Josh didn’t protest and allowed himself to be pulled into the house. It was warm as soon as he entered, heat enveloping him as James shut the door and locked it. Josh turned to face him and caught Jamie’s look of trepidation.
“Let’s get your jacket off. I’ll make some hot chocolate and start a fire. Have you been outside all night?” He held his hands out to Josh, letting Josh stay in control of his jacket and bag and how quickly he removed them. He was slow but managed, handing the heavy, snow-covered jacket over with his messenger bag. James hung it up as Josh bent to remove his shoes, untying them. His socks wet, he removed those too.
The Billionaire and the Escort Page 21
