by Hamel, B. B.
I was a gun, a killer. As I walked home, and the city slowly started to speed up again, I knew that was all I’d ever be.
But at least Emma was safe. I couldn’t wait to see her, to tell her that she was completely free. I didn’t know what she’d do, but I wanted to find out.
Even if nothing else came out of this, even if Gian decided to try to kill me, at least Emma was going to be safe.
My job was finally fucking done.
28
Emma
I knocked on Louisa’s door, nervousness filling my stomach.
I spent all night half sleeping, half worrying about Brooks. I didn’t know why, but after he disappeared, I suddenly felt like I had lost something important. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, wondering what kind of decision I wanted to make, how I wanted to live my life.
But he was gone. Around six in the morning, I couldn’t keep pretending like I was going to actually get a decent amount of sleep, and so I got out of bed, ordered some breakfast from room service, and set myself to the task of deciding my future.
The truth was, I had no real prospects. I didn’t have money or an education. I was qualified to work as a waitress, but I couldn’t imagine doing that my entire life. I didn’t have anything else going for me, and the world was a hard place. In some ways, living with my father was comforting. He sheltered me from the worst of it sometimes, or at least he provided a house.
Now though, I was lost. As my food arrived and I drank some delicious black coffee, I could already feel the decision forming inside me. It terrified me, but it also made me feel right, comforted.
Louisa was right. She could give me purpose. Maybe she was wrong about Brooks, but she was right about me. I didn’t have anything else, but Louisa and the Spider’s could give my life some meaning.
Before any of this happened, my only worry was getting out. My only dream was escaping my father and living a life outside his control. I didn’t need dreams or purpose because I was so restricted and sheltered. I hadn’t even been able envision what life would be like outside that house anymore.
But now, everything had changed. I had to decide what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I couldn’t stop picturing Brooks’s face the first time I saw him, the anger and the fear melting away as he tried to get me to hide. He was so beautiful and strong, the strongest person I’d ever met. He even had something that Louisa couldn’t touch, some part of him that Louisa clearly didn’t see or didn’t understand. It glowed, and I was better for its warmth.
But I couldn’t live my life waiting for him. He was going to get promoted in the mob, and I was going to move on and do something else. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I was afraid to ask for anything more from him.
I didn’t know what it meant to feel this way about him, but I was afraid, scared of everything. I was afraid to face this world that I barely understood alone.
The door slowly open and Louisa smiled at me. “I thought you’d show up.”
“I’m here,” I said.
“Come in.”
I followed her inside, shutting the door behind me. Her room looked similar to mine, except she had only a single couch in the living room. The rest of the space was covered in electronic equipment, wiring, computers, monitors, and a bunch of things I couldn’t recognize.
Louisa flopped down onto the couch. “So?” she asked.
I stood nervously in front of her. “Well, I’m here about your offer.”
“I know you are.”
“I want to take it.”
“Good,” she said. “You can get started immediately.”
“Wait, I mean, I want to, but I’m not sure that I can.”
She frowned. “What’s holding you back, Emma?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t really know you, and I don’t really know your organization. I don’t know if I can just join you.”
“You saw what we do,” she said. “You were at our safe house. You got to look closer than most people. That says more than I ever could.”
I nodded. “I know. I believe that you’re trying to do good things, but that can’t be it. You have to be doing more.”
“Maybe we are. You’ll have to come find that out.”
“That’s exactly the problem, Louisa. I have nothing and nowhere to turn. This just seems like it’s too good to be true.”
Louisa nodded. “I understand, Emma. I can’t keep trying to convince you.” She stood up and walked over to her computers before stopping and looking back at me. “I’ll say one more thing. This city, and all the cities like it, they eat people up and spit them out. People can be horrible, miserable to each other, and women get the brunt of that horror sometimes. It’s not right, but it is the way of things.
“When I say I want to give power to the powerless, I mean it. I’m not trying to be some feminist warrior, but I am fighting for justice. There is profit in justice, of course, but it’s not the way you might be thinking. I can’t tell you all of our secrets unless you join, but if you join, I can promise that you’ll be told everything. And you won’t want to walk away.”
I stared at her, and I suddenly could see it all. I could see the women just like me in shitty houses all over the city, getting their asses beaten just because they were a little smaller, a little weaker. I could see the girls getting abducted in other countries and hooked on drugs. I could see the girls working on the corner because they didn’t have any other way out.
I could picture them all, endless people, and not just women. There were men forced to make hard choices, forced to do things they would never want to do. I was being offered something here, something not many people got. I could help break the cycle.
“Okay,” I said to her. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“I’m sure.”
“There’s no turning back from here. Once you leave and go to the safe house, you’re a part of this.”
“I understand,” I said, feeling a resolve in my chest.
“Okay then,” she said. “Go back to your room. Gather your things. I’ll come get you soon.”
I nodded. “Thank you, Louisa.”
“You’re welcome.”
She sat down at a computer and began typing, almost as if I weren’t there anymore.
I stared at her for a second and then turned and left the room. I walked quickly back toward my own apartment, nervous energy bubbling over.
I didn’t have any things back in the room, just the clothes on my back and a future. That was more than I used to have, since a future meant possibility. Before, I was stuck getting abused every day by my pathetic, drunken father. I had no real possibility, no real future. But now anything could happen.
I felt hopeful. I felt like I was finally doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
I pushed open the apartment door and stopped in my tracks, all of that excitement and hope suddenly disappearing.
“You look surprised to see me,” Brooks said.
I stared at him as I slowly closed the door. He was leaning up against the far wall, his arms crossed, wearing all black. He looked as handsome as ever, and I felt my heart instantly begin to beat faster in my chest.
This was that feeling I couldn’t shake. As soon as I laid eyes on him, it appeared in my body again, shining and real. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to run away from him or toward him.
“I thought you left,” I said.
“Had something to do.”
I nodded. “For your promotion?”
“Something like that.”
I took a step into the room. “That’s good, I guess. I mean, I’m happy for you, Brooks.”
He smirked at me. “You’re talking like we’re fucking strangers or something. You already forget what it’s like to have my tongue between your legs?”
“I’m just happy for you, I guess,” I said, ignoring his comment.
“More like you’re happy for yoursel
f. Now that I’m back, you can get another taste of my cock, feel what it’s like to come hard as you slide yourself down along me.”
“I’m not sure I have time for that,” I said.
He took a few steps toward me. “You always have time,” he grunted. “Not like I need long to get you off.”
“Is that all you wanted?” I asked, suddenly annoyed. “You disappear and then come back just trying to get in my pants?”
“No,” he said. “That’s not why I’m here. It’s just an added benefit.”
“Skip to the point then, Brooks.”
“Come on, girl,” he said, walking over to me. I tried to step away, but he caught my arm, pulling me against him. “Don’t act like you’re not wet. I can feel your heart beating.”
I took a deep breath, getting a nose full of his scent. I loved how strong he was pulling me against him, his ripped body, his intense gaze. He sucked me in with every second he kept me pressed against him.
“I don’t have time for this,” I said.
“Sure you do,” he whispered. “You always have time.”
I ran my hands down his chest and stopped. There was something wet on his black shirt.
I pulled my hand away. It was red and sticky.
It was blood.
I stepped back away from him. “Are you hurt?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Not my blood.”
I frowned. “So you went out to do a job for them?”
“Something like that.”
“Stop being so vague, Brooks,” I said, feeling my anger rising again. “What do you want? Why are you here?”
“I’m here for you,” he said. “I’m not taking that fucking promotion.”
I gaped at him, not sure what to say. I didn’t understand what he meant when he said that he’d come back for me. The fact that he was still killing for the mob made me worried. If he said he wasn’t going to take the promotion, then I didn’t understand who he was out murdering for them.
“Whose blood is this?” I asked him.
“Dante’s,” he said. “He was the last person who knew about you, or at least the last one who cared.”
“Wasn’t he the guy you had to kill to get the promotion?”
He nodded. “Yes, but I’m not taking that promotion.”
“Why?” I asked him. “I don’t understand.”
“All of this,” he said. “One second the mob wants me dead, and the next they’re going to promote me? This whole damn thing is insane.”
“You’re a killer, Brooks,” I whispered. “Now you worry about all of this being crazy?”
His eyes got hard. “I did what I had to do, girl. Don’t start trying to judge me now. You didn’t seem to mind what I could do back when I was saving your life.”
“I’m not judging you. I’m just trying to understand you.”
“There’s nothing to understand.”
I turned and walked a few steps away from him. I wanted to turn back, but there was just so much between us now, so much left unspoken. I heard him come up behind me.
“Why are you so fucking scared?” he asked me.
“I joined the Spiders,” I said.
I could practically feel him tense. “When?”
“Just before I walked back into this room.”
“That’s what you want?”
I turned back around and felt like someone had slapped me in the face. The hurt and the anger was so clear in his expression that it nearly overwhelmed me.
“I have nothing else,” I said. “Do you really still think Louisa is bad?”
“Not bad,” he said. “Just playing a game we don’t understand.”
“She admitted that much, but she said she’d explain everything to me.”
“I just don’t trust her.”
“It’s too late for that,” I said. “I’m committed. I have nothing else in my life, no other meaning. I’ve lived for so long in fear, and now for the first time I get to make my own choices and go wherever I want. Louisa and the Spiders can give me purpose, maybe even fulfill me.”
“God damn,” he said. “You really are terrified. You’re jumping at the first damn offer you get. You think there’s nothing else for you in this world? It’s a much bigger fucking place than you think.”
“Maybe,” I whispered. “Maybe I am scared. But I’m less scared when I think about being a part of something bigger than myself.”
“That’s what I thought too when I joined the fucking mob.” He shook his head. “You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re right in the middle of it.”
“I have to go,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
He made a face and then sighed. “You do what you have to do.”
Just then, there was a knock at the door. I stared at him, almost terrified, as he walked over and answered it.
Louisa stood there, smiling like usual. “Hello, Brooks,” she said.
“Louisa.”
“Did Emma tell you?”
“That she’s joining your gang? She sure did.”
“Isn’t that great?”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Brooks said. “Sounds like a frying pan and the fire type situation to me.”
Louisa walked into the room, ignoring him. “Ready?” she asked me.
I didn’t know what to say. This conversation wasn’t over yet. It felt like there was a lot left unsaid between us, and I wanted to get it all out in the open.
But I’d made a decision, and I couldn’t turn back. I couldn’t give in to my fear. This was the right call. I was sure of it. I just wished Brooks could see that.
“I’m ready,” I said.
“Good. Let’s head out.” She turned back to Brooks. “Take care of yourself. I hear you’re getting a big promotion.”
“Yeah,” he grunted. “We’ll see.”
Louisa smiled and then left the room. I walked up to Brooks and stood in front of him. I didn’t want to leave the room, but I knew I had to if I wanted to become a Spider and do this for real.
“Bye,” I said. “I’ll see you again soon.”
“Maybe,” he said. “Maybe not. Who knows what your new rules are going to be.” He turned away. “Good luck.”
That hurt. I couldn’t believe he had just turned his back on me like that.
I opened my mouth to say something else but then thought better of it. If I spoke again, I’d just keep on speaking. I had to go. I had to walk away.
I turned. It felt like tearing out my hair. I left the room, step by agonizing step, and left Brooks alone in there.
Louisa was waiting up ahead at the end of the hall. She smiled at me.
“Ready for your new life?”
I nodded. “Ready.”
I followed her, not sure where she was taking me. I followed her away from Brooks, away from the last person I wanted to leave, and it felt like I was breaking something inside myself. But I couldn’t turn back.
This was my new life. I had to keep moving forward, no matter what. Brooks would understand. He had to understand. I’d see him again someday.
I followed Louisa toward my new world, my new purpose.
29
Brooks
The night was deep and ink dark. I felt sweat curling down my arms as I strained to hold my position pressed up against the brick wall. Ahead, I saw Clint sliding along his route, his gun out and ready.
The target was in a warehouse just ahead of us. There was a drug deal going down, and we were assigned to take out some asshole who had been ripping off the mob for years. He’d been skimming some money off the top, overcharging his customers and pocketing the difference. That sort of scam didn’t last long, though, and when you got caught ripping off the Barone family, you got killed.
It’d been only a day since Emma walked out on me, and I still felt that burn like a torch in my chest. As soon as she was gone, I went and told Gian that I wasn’t going to take the promotion, and then I practically begged for another assignm
ent. I thought working might take my mind off things, but so far it had only heightened my anger.
I never expected her to leave like that, not after everything. There was so much more I’d wanted to tell her, but Louisa Barone had appeared at the last second and swooped Emma up, taking her away.
I had no idea where they went, and I didn’t even try to find them. Emma had made her choice. She wanted to be a Spider, and that was fucking final. If I wanted to stay in the mafia, I couldn’t go near Emma, not anymore. She was my enemy, as much as I fucking hated that idea.
Clint caught my eye and nodded. He was in position on the roof, looking down a skylight after having climbed silently up the fire escape. I moved then, flitting from wall to wall like a shadow before stopping at a storm drain. I began to shimmy my way up, silently working up along the drain until I got to the third-floor window.
I locked myself in position with my legs and slowly slid it open. I climbed inside silently, coming up with my gun ready.
It was just an empty office. I crossed the floor and opened the door, heading toward the catwalk that overlooked the factory floor.
The target was down there finishing up his deal. The plan was for me to kill him while Clint kept the other men busy from up above. Once he was dead, I’d pull out, and then Clint would get out as soon as I was clear. I was in more danger, but I was the one who had proposed the plan. Clint was just going along with what I wanted.
I found the door and pulled it open, sliding on my stomach out onto the catwalk. I spotted the small group up ahead, maybe fifty yards away. I unslung the rifle from my shoulder and adjusted the scope, taking aim.
This was an easy shot. My target was a tall guy, maybe in his thirties. He wore a long, white basketball jersey and jeans, and he had this horrible gold chain around his neck. I wanted to shoot him based entirely on that fucking chain.
My heartrate increased as the thought of the kill jumped into my mind. This was it, the moment I always used to live for. I’d take this man’s life for the mob, prove to Gian that while I’d refused his promotion, I was still a worthwhile member of the mafia. I’d continue to do my job and do it well, and one day he’d understand.
