by Lane, Sydney
“Brody, don’t.” Her voice borders on hysteria, her eyes wild with pain.
“Please! Please listen to me. You’ve never given me the chance to say anything, and now you are going to listen.” I take a deep breath, afraid to say the words I've rehearsed in my head night after night when I lay awake. “Quince, I want to be the person you run to. I want to be the one you trust when the darkness falls. I want to know your dreams, and I want to breathe the air you breathe. I want to be the one who makes you smile. I just want to be with you. Just trust me, Quince! Trust me enough to be with me. Let me love you every day for the rest of your life.”
Backing away from me, as if she's afraid of me, she shakes her head, “No.” She pushes past me, walking away as I stand alone with my bleeding heart in my hand.
I can only watch as she walks out of my life for good. Before she turns the corner, she looks over her shoulder one last time, her eyes meeting mine. I give it one last shot, everything I have left. “Fate brought us together, but God dammit, Quince! Make me your choice.”
Lowering her head, she continues to walk away. It makes me sick, literally, gut-wrenching, bone chilling sick, to think about. I know I have to let her go. I have to give her the chance to be happy because no matter how I feel, no matter how hard I want to hold onto her, all I want is for her to be happy. If that means letting her go, that is what I will do. There is a point in time when you realize that the world really doesn’t owe you anything and it really doesn’t revolve around you. You mature, you grow, whatever the fuck they call it, but the moment you realize that you care about someone else’s happiness above your own, that is the moment you reach it. It is the moment you are open to joy, passion, and happiness, and it is also the moment you become vulnerable to rejection, pain, and heartbreak. For, without those, you can never experience true love.
Goodbye, Quince.
Chapter 39
I still see her in class, but I know those days are numbered. I don't make an attempt to talk to her again. I guess, deep down, I always knew she'd choose someone better than me, someone who can give her everything he has. I thought I was becoming that person, but it was too little, too late.
Things have been strained, for lack of a better word, around the house. Eric and Jenna have changed since their trip. His sixty days were up, so I can only guess why he's been acting like he won the fuckin' lottery. He won five hundred bucks, got to keep his guitar, and he got the one thing that mattered the most... Jenna. They make me want to poke my own eyes out.
Seth and I have been hitting the bars a lot lately. Heartbreak. Guilt. Nothing a little alcohol won't cure. But I still wake up to the same reality every morning, wondering if today's gonna be the day.
Will this be the day Declan confronts me? Will it be the day I get kicked out of the fraternity? Will it be the day she comes back? Every. Single. Day.
Most times, the wondering, the not knowing, is much worse than reality. We spend so much of our lives hiding from ourselves and wondering 'what if' when the truth would set us free, and that's what drives me to do it.
I walk across the hall and stand in front of Declan's door. I hesitate when I raise my hand to knock, taking a few steadying breaths. I give myself a pep talk. I'm doing what I have to do. What I need to do to move on.
Knock, knock. Two quick raps.
When he opens the door and realizes it's me, I'm almost afraid he's going to slam the door in my face. The blatant look of disgust on his face warns me that it's still too soon. But it's also too late.
It feels like an hour but is probably only a few seconds before he pushes the door open and steps aside, allowing me to walk past him. When he closes the door, I feel the finality of what I'm about to do. My heart races in my chest, and the guilt eats at me. It flows through my veins, whispering that I am a failure, every minute of the day. Declan watches as I struggle to compose myself, building up the courage to do what I should have done long before now.
"Dec, I know it's too late, but I came to apologize."
"Fuck you, Brody." That's all. Three words, and I'm more shocked than if he had sucker-punched me in the face. I've never heard Declan cuss in anger. "You should have thought about that before you lied to me." He's going to make this as hard as possible, and he should.
Finally, I find my voice. This is not going the way I expected it to.
"Look, Declan, I didn't come to ask your forgiveness. I wanted to apologize and do the right thing." I take a deep breath before I continue. "What I did was wrong. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve Quincy. I never did." I look up at him. The scowl on his face has not changed, anger rolling off of him in waves. "All I want to say is that I was wrong. I screwed up. I'm going to accept responsibility. I'm going to fix this." He stands to his full height, rolling his shoulder as if to release tension.
"Yeah? How do you think you're going to do that?" That sounds an awful lot like a challenge. My decision has been made.
"I know you haven't told anyone, and I don't know why, but I'm going to report myself. I'm going to let them kick me out of the fraternity, and I'll move on. I did this, and I need to own up to it. I just wanted you to know before I do it. I wanted to let you know I regret lying to you."
"But you don't regret the rest." His face screws up as if he's in pain, his voice breaking as he continues. "You don't regret Quincy." I close my eyes and take a deep breath before meeting his glare head on.
"Don't."
"Say it!" he yells before shoving his hands into his pockets. "Just say it."
I feel as if everything left inside of me is being dragged out. I have no more secrets. "You're right. I don't regret Quincy. I loved her." Still do. "But I regret what I did to get her. I'm sorry, Dec." I'm reminded that they could have been so happy together if I'd never ruined it.
He flexes his hand, balling it into a fist and releasing it. It's at that moment that I wish he'd hit me. I wouldn't hit him back. I'd let him hit me until he couldn't hit me anymore. Maybe then, and only then, I might find some relief.
He catches me looking at his hands and says, "No, I'm not going to hit you, Brody. It's not because you don't deserve it, though. It's because I'm better than that. I'm better than you." He steps back, breathing hard, before slamming his fist through the wall. His chest heaves, and he struggles to regain control of himself. I tell him what I came to say.
"I'm going to the council tomorrow. I'm going to tell them and accept whatever they decide. I'll be gone soon enough, and you'll never have to deal with me again." When he doesn't respond, I stand up and walk to the door.
I open the door and step into the hall. He speaks in a low tone behind me, "No, don't. I'm not telling anyone, and you don't have to worry about me holding it over your head." I turn to face him, disbelief on my face. "I knew there was something there the whole time." I open my mouth to disagree, but he stops me. "No, I did. I saw how she watched you. She told me there was someone else. I just didn't want to see it. She was never mine; she was always yours." His words hurt me me, digging deep into a wound not yet healed, and I can see they hurt him as much as they hurt me. He narrows his eyes, pinning me to the wall. "But I don't want you gone, Brody. I want you here where you will have to think about what you did every day. You aren't going to get off that easy."
I turn away and walk out the door. I don't even thank him. Because he's right. He is better than me.
Chapter 40
The brunette sitting in my lap is beginning to get on my nerves. I swear she's put on new lipstick every five minutes for the last half hour. Her hair is perfectly done, and she keeps squirming on my lap, like it should excite me. Instead, it just makes her look desperate. I take another long drink of my beer, thinking only of a particular brunette who I'd barely seen in makeup, who didn't have to try at all to be beautiful.
This semester has been a bitch. Let's just say that I barely remember half of it, but the times I can remember have been pathetic. Somehow, I've managed to make it to wor
k and class, but every other spare moment has been spent with Seth and a bottle of Jager. A few girls have been sprinkled in there when I was able and willing, but every morning, I wake up feeling worse than the day before. Nothing has made the ache inside of me fade, nothing can fill the hole in my chest. Quincy created it, and only she can fill it.
Disgusted, I push the girl off my lap and stand up. I'm just not feelin' it, and I don't feel like spending another night with someone I don't give a shit about. You'd think I would learn my lesson, but I'm a glutton for punishment.
Seth and I are paying our tabs when someone tugs on my arm. I turn and find myself looking into the face of the last person I want to see. Paige. I'm not drunk enough for this shit tonight. Or ever.
"Paige, how many times do I have to tell you?" I sigh, brushing past her. "Please leave me alone."
She grabs my arm, and I turn around angrily. "Brody, that's not what I'm here for. I'm here because I need to tell you something." Any other time, I would have just walked away, but there is something in her voice that stops me. And maybe I'm just drunk enough to listen to her.
"I can't imagine I'd want to hear anything you have to say." I search her face for a hint of what she's here to tell me. "You're not pregnant again are you? Because this time, there's no way it's mine." She recoils as if I hit her, pain burning in her eyes. For an instant, I feel like shit, but then, I remember what she did to me.
"No, Brody, I'm not pregnant." She wipes tears from her eyes. "I've met somebody. He's good to me, and I want to move forward with him, but I can't until I fix things with you. There's something you need to know." She takes a deep breath as she eyes Seth. When she turns back to me, I only see regret. "It wasn't yours."
For the first time in months, I'm completely lucid. I suddenly feel as if I'm seeing things with a clarity that's been missing. I am also speechless.
"I lied because I didn't want to lose you, but you deserve to know the truth." She rushes, as if she's afraid I'll walk away. And I might just do that if she hadn't shocked the shit out of me.
"And why is it so important for me to know that now? After all this time?" This girl has serious problems. Serious. Psycho.
"Brody, you haven't been the same since everything happened. I always hoped we'd end up together, but I see that's not going to happen. I'm happy now, really happy, and I guess I kind of needed to get this off my conscience before I could fully move on." She struggles for words she should have said a long time ago. "Maybe someday, you'll find someone who makes you happy, too." She pats my arm before turning and walking out of my life for good.
Seth and I stare after her. That girl always knew how to create a scene, and once again, she has succeeded. I don't know if she came here looking for me or if she just happened to run into me, but if she wanted to shock me, she accomplished her goal.
All of this time, I've been beating myself up because I was glad, happy that she had an abortion. The truth is, it was never my problem to deal with. She did what she was going to do, and I never could have changed it. That thought brings my mind back to Quincy. She, too, has suffered at the hands of another, due to a choice someone else made. She could have never changed Katie's mind, and I could have never controlled Paige. We are just two people caught in the aftermath. Maybe we aren't so different after all.
"What the fuck was that about, man?" Seth hums the theme song to The Twilight Zone. Have I mentioned how much I love this crazy fucker?
"That, Seth, was another piece of the puzzle falling into place." I clap him on the shoulder, and we walk to the car.
"Bro, you know you got more drama than Maury Povich." Those words cause me to laugh like I haven't laughed in months.
"At least you didn't say Jerry Springer."
On the way home, I feel more alert, more.... free than I have since I can remember. And I know exactly what I've got to do.
Chapter 41
"Bro, you going out tonight? They're having a welcome back party at Players'." I'd almost decided I wasn't going to go, but Jenna sent a text telling me that Quincy would be coming back, and she was taking her out. Why should I care? My mind battles my heart, and when it comes down to it, maybe I just need closure.
"Yeah, when I finish my shift at the center, I'll head that way." After the night Paige showed up, I've changed. I'd like to say I'm doing better than I have in a long time. Seth has been disappointed because he lost his drinking buddy, but he won't have any trouble replacing me. There are new pledges every year.
I moved out of the house. Getting my own apartment was one of the best things I could've done. There were too many memories there, and Declan was just across the hall. We're finally on speaking terms, although the trust has been broken, destroyed. I accept all responsibility for that, but it was getting to be too much. Eric and Jenna spend every spare minute they have together. Just looking at Jenna is hard to do. When I see her, I see Quincy. Everywhere... I see her.
I'm applying to medical school, and surprisingly enough, my grades have managed to escape unscathed. I hope to go to UT Medical School, but it's all the way across the state in Memphis. I'll miss everyone, but it's time to move on, time to grow up.
The thing that changed me the most, though, is my new job at the Suicide Prevention and Crisis Center. I'm a hotline counselor, answering calls and offering help to those who contemplate suicide. I never knew Katie, but I did know Quince. I admit that a part of me feels like if I can just help one person, maybe, just maybe, I can heal Quincy, too. Crazy, I know, since she has no idea where I work.
When I get home, I get dressed and head to Players' to meet Seth. I look around, wondering if Quincy will actually come, both hoping that she does and that she doesn't. I act like I'm here for Seth, but I came here for one reason and one reason only. To see her. I told myself that I would leave after just one glimpse. Since I met her, I'm a fuckin' pansy.
Just like that, the minute she walks into the club, I want her. Like some kind of stalker, I watch as she moves through the crowd, being pushed and shoved as she tries to follow Jenna. But then he stops her. When she smiles up at him, I want to ram my fist through the wall.
I can't turn away as they exchange stilted, almost painful, pleasantries, and it is all kinds of fucked up that I wish I could hear what they're saying. Just when I can’t stand another minute, she walks away. He stands there, shoving his hands in his pockets, as he watches her go. For a fraction of a second, I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
I love him. He's my friend, my brother for life. Dammit, she should have been mine. We were made for each other, and my life is worthless without her. Funny how I had myself convinced that I was over her, that my life is somehow a better place without her in it. One look at her proves just how much I’ve lied to myself. Nothing prepared me for this.
I don’t realize that she’s scanning the crowd until it’s too late. When our eyes meet, it’s as if an electric current runs down my spine, and just as soon as it began, the moment is over. She's slowly swallowed up by the crowd while I'm left wondering if I imagined the whole thing.
I should leave. I saw what I came to see, but being the sorry bastard I am, I push through the maze of bodies in the direction I saw her. When I find her, she's standing at the bar, with her back to me. Ah, hell, I’ve already been to the water. I may as well take a drink.
As I walk toward her, I can’t help but notice how beautiful she is. Her hair is twisted to the side, revealing her neck and shoulders. The smooth skin is almost irresistible, and I’d give anything to be able to touch her again. Standing behind her, I lean into her, close enough to breathe her in.
“Quince.” It’s a prayer, a plea, and I hate my own weakness. Her shoulders tense, and for a moment, I don’t think she’s going to acknowledge me. When she turns, I grab her by the shoulders and unleash the anger I’ve held in for the last eight months. “I hate you,” I spew. “I hate you, Quince. I hate you because when I saw you just now, I still thought you were the most beautiful gir
l in the room.” Dammit! That's not what I meant to say.
My heart is pounding, and it feels as if the air has been forced out of my lungs. I have to get the fuck out of here. Turning, I push my way through the crowd around us.
“Don’t! Don’t go.” Not sure if I heard her correctly, I stop and cast one more glance over my shoulder. I watch as her mouth moves, and the words I’ve dreamed of hearing grace her lips. “I choose you.”
I should run as fast and far away as I can, but my legs are rooted where I stand. She has no right to say those words after she walked away from me. She shut me out. She left me alone. Her lips part again, as she repeats those unbelievable words. "I choose you."
Fuck it. I’m going to get my girl. I push past people, shoving them out of my way. When she runs to me, my arms are open. I lift her feet off the ground, claiming the only girl I couldn’t walk away from.
Chapter 42
I can't tell you how great things have been these last few months. I've been taking things slow, doing all of the things I should have done in the past. Before, we jumped straight to the sex, and although it was good, it wasn't good for us. We felt inexplicably drawn to each other, but we didn't even know each other.
Imagine how we felt when we realized that we both wanted to go to medical school. I don't know who was more shocked. Her or me. I always knew she was smart enough, but she just had that school teacher look about her. I don't have to point out why she was shocked about me.
The first few weeks were tense, though. We had to learn about each other, truly get to know each other outside of the bedroom. I took Quincy on our first date. I know... sort of backwards after everything we've been through, but it was just what we needed. I'll never forget picking her up that night. For once, I wasn't so sure of myself. But watching her walk toward the Jeep, quietly blushing and smiling like a giddy schoolgirl, gave me reassurance and hope. Reassurance that I was doing the right thing, and hope that the past was truly behind us. It was a long, sunny day, and it was everything it should've been the first time.
