by Helen Brooks
Forde had said Tabitha knew she could trust them to look after her, that she needed someone to love her unconditionally. She knew now why his words had struck such a chord in her. It was how Forde was with her; from the day they had met he had put her needs before his, in the bedroom and out of it, and his love had been unlimited and without reservation.
She drew in a shuddering breath, her mind clearer than it had been for months.
After Matthew had died her guilt and remorse had turned her mind and heart inwards. She’d been so wrapped up in her own culpability and self-condemnation, so convinced she was a jinx and that Forde would be better off without her, that she hadn’t considered she might be wrong. She’d been too self-centred. Wrapped up in her own grief, she hadn’t taken on board he was suffering too, not really, not as she should have. She had learnt a lot about herself over the last weeks with Miriam, and some of it had been hard to take.
But Forde didn’t see her as she saw herself. He loved her. Utterly. Absolutely. As he’d told her to love Tabitha—unconditionally. When she had left him he had told her he would never let her go, that she could divorce him, flee to the other side of the world, refuse to see or talk to him, but he would never give up trying to make her see sense and come back to him. It had panicked her then, terrified her even. But now …
She raised her head and stared at his sleeping face.
Now she was humbly and eternally grateful. Her hand went to the swell of her belly wherein their child lay. And she could never walk away from her baby and its father. How could she have considered such a possibility even for a moment? But deep inside she’d always known she wouldn’t have the strength to give her baby up. That had been what had really frightened her once she’d known she was pregnant, because then she had still believed she was a curse on those she loved.
And now? a little voice outside herself asked insistently. What did she believe now? Because if she went back to Forde it had to be with all her body, soul and spirit. She’d asked for a happy ending for Tabitha but she had to believe in one for herself. Believe she could trust Forde implicitly, give him that little part of herself she had always kept back. Could she do that?
She heard a scratching sound and raised her head again. Tabitha was awake and turning round and round in the basket and Melanie could have sworn there was a faintly worried expression on the cat’s delicate face. Tabitha gave a little cry that was more of a yowl than a miaow, and then jumped out of the basket and disappeared behind the other sofa.
Oh, no. Melanie sat bolt upright and in so doing woke Forde, who mumbled dazedly, ‘What the… Nell?’
‘I think Tabitha’s going to have her kittens.’ Even to herself her voice sounded thick with fear. ‘It’s too soon, Forde. I wanted her to have some days of good food and rest. What are we going to do?’
Forde sat up, swinging his feet onto the carpet and raking back his hair. ‘Where is she?’ he asked, eyeing the empty basket.
‘Behind the other sofa. The vet said she might hide.’
He stood up naked as the day he was born and walked across the room, peering over the back of the sofa. Damn it, Nell was right. The cat was behaving exactly as the vet had warned it might. They had all been hoping they could have a few days of feeding her up but it looked as if time had run out.
He turned, gathering up Melanie’s scattered clothes along with his own. ‘We can do very little now except keep an eye on her. The rest is up to Tabitha. I’ll move the basket behind the sofa if that’s where she wants to be. Get dressed and go and make us a hot drink. This could take a while.’
‘It’s too soon,’ Melanie said again, her old fears and doubts resurfacing in a flood.
Forde reached out a hand and stroked her cheek for a moment. ‘Stop panicking. Tabitha will pick up on it. Animals are incredibly sensitive that way. Bring some warm milk and food in for her when you get our drinks, OK? Now get dressed, there’s a good girl.’
Once in the kitchen Melanie realised the icy sleet had turned into snow while she and Forde had been sleeping and already it was a couple of inches thick. The swirling flakes were fat and feathery and the sky was laden. If the storm continued in its present form she doubted if the vet would be able to get through to them if they needed her.
She stood for a moment, eyes wide and her top lip clamped in her teeth before telling herself to get on with what she had to do. Tabitha would be all right. Anything else wasn’t an option. And the kittens would be fine too. They had to be.
Tabitha drank the milk they slid in to her in her hiding place but wouldn’t touch the food, and as the yowls increased in volume Melanie had to force herself to sit still and not pace the room. Forde went out to fetch more logs and coal at one point and when he returned, Melanie said simply, ‘I know,’ in answer to the look on his face regarding the weather.
Forde had resorted to lying on the floor and peering under the sofa by the time the first kitten was born some three hours later. Tabitha had ignored the basket at the side of her but she dealt expertly with the tiny thing, biting off the birth sac and beginning to lick it all over with her abrasive tongue. When Forde saw it squirm he experienced a profound relief, more for Melanie than the cat.
Another kitten was born fairly quickly, and as they watched Tabitha begin the same procedure with this one as she had with the first Melanie whispered, ‘Look at that, Forde. She’s going to be a brilliant mother. And the kittens are alive and well.’
He looked at her where she lay at the side of him on the carpet. He’d been about to warn her that it was early days yet, that a hundred and one things could go wrong. There were more kittens to be born and they might not be as lucky as the first two, and Tabitha herself might be too exhausted to survive much more of this. But then he looked into her deep brown eyes and something in them checked his words. Instead he put his hand on hers.
There followed a wait that seemed endless to Melanie and Forde. They hardly dared move from their vigil but then a third kitten made its appearance and once again Tabitha went into action. This time, though, once the kitten was cleaned up to its mother’s satisfaction, Tabitha picked up the tiny creature and jumped into the laundry basket where she deposited the squirming little scrap before fetching the other two, one by one, to the place she deemed as safe. She then made short work of the food and fresh milk Forde had slid under the sofa next to the basket and joined her kittens after using the litter tray.
‘Do you think that’s it? There were just the three?’ Melanie found she had a crick in her neck and was utterly exhausted. She was also more elated than words could have described.
‘Looks like it.’ Forde was trying not to reveal how relieved he was that things had gone so well. Tabitha seemed to have taken the whole process in her stride despite her poor state of health and the kittens had wriggled to their mother’s teats like homing pigeons. He also blessed the fact that Mother Nature had seen fit to give the little cat just three kittens to cope with. They stood a far better chance than if it had been a large litter. They hadn’t been able to see clearly what the kittens looked like, their view had been restricted, but the fact that the little animals were sleek and damp from their mother’s ministrations meant they really didn’t look like cats at all.
‘What do we do now?’ Melanie sat up and stretched her aching neck. ‘I don’t like the thought of leaving her alone.’
‘Looks like Tabitha’s ready for a well-earned rest.’ Forde stood up and pulled her to her feet. ‘You get off to bed and I’ll sleep with one eye open down here.’
Melanie looked at her husband. This had to come from her. She knew that. ‘Or you could carry the basket upstairs and put it near the radiator in the bedroom so we could be on hand if she needs us? We could take some milk and food up with us and put it near the basket in case she’s hungry in the night.’
Forde looked at her, a look with a deep searching question colouring it.
‘I—I don’t want to sleep alone for one more night,’ she whis
pered. ‘I was wrong about so many things, Forde. I knew that deep down, I guess, but seeing Miriam allowed everything to be brought into the light of day, all the doubts and fears. I—I want us to be together, not just for Christmas but for the rest of our lives and—’
She didn’t get any further before she was lifted right off her feet and into his arms. He kissed her as if there were no tomorrow and she kissed him back in the same way, clinging to him so tightly he could hardly breathe.
Setting her down after a long minute, he drew her over to the sofa and then sat her on his lap. ‘Are you sure?’ he said softly. ‘That all the doubts and fears are gone, I mean?’
He deserved the truth. She touched his face with the side of her palm. ‘I want to be,’ she said honestly. ‘And I know myself so much better now, but I guess to some extent I’m still a work in progress. I was so scared tonight, with Tabitha.’
‘Nell, so was I. That’s natural.’ He kissed her hard on her lips. ‘It goes hand in hand with love, the worry and the fear that you’ll lose the beloved. It’s the other side of the coin, I suppose. But the best side makes it worth coping with the flip side—know what I mean?’ He kissed her again. ‘And most of the time the best side is uppermost. You had a rough start to life and you developed a defence mechanism to keep people at arm’s length so you couldn’t be hurt and you couldn’t hurt them. I understand that. And then I came along and everything changed. If things had been different with Matthew you would still have had to face the fact, sooner or later, that you needed to unearth some of the issues you’d buried way deep inside. But it would have happened slowly, more naturally.’
‘But the miscarriage did happen. Matthew died.’ It still hurt as much as ever to stay it and she wondered if that would ever change. But the nature of the grief had changed subtly over the last weeks. It was still as intense but more bearable because the crucifying guilt had gone. She could mourn her perfect, exquisite little boy without feeling she had to punish herself every second of every day.
‘Yes, he died.’ There was a wealth of emotion in Forde’s voice. ‘And there will always be regrets, especially because with an accident of that nature there are so many ifs and buts in hindsight. You aren’t the only one who blamed yourself. I knew you weren’t too good that day. I could have stayed home with you. What does work matter compared to you and our son? And Janet had her own self-reproaches too. She wished she’d stayed with you while you ate and then brought the tray down, but none of us knew.’
Melanie nodded. How many times had she longed to turn back the clock until the morning of the accident so she could have done things differently? Too many to count. She had relived every minute of that fateful morning until she’d thought she was losing her mind. It had to stop. Once and for all, it had to stop. She had to be strong for this baby and for Forde, and for Matthew too. He had a right to be remembered with passionate love and devotion, and, yes, with a certain amount of pain too, but the memory of her precious baby son had been in danger of being marred and destroyed by her corrosive guilt.
‘He was so beautiful,’ she whispered through her tears.
‘And so tiny.’ Forde’s voice was husky. ‘He weighed nothing at all in my arms.’
She rested her forehead against his as their tears mingled, but for the first time since Matthew had died they were healing tears. After a long time when they just held each other close, she said softly, ‘I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. I want you to know that. You are the other part of me, the better part.’
‘Never that.’ He kissed her fiercely. ‘You are perfect in every way to me, never forget that. And I will never hurt you, Nell. I might get it wrong at times, I might even drive you crazy now and again but I will never hurt you. We will have our children—’ he rested his hand on her stomach for a moment ‘—and grandchildren too, God willing, and grow old together. How does that sound?’
‘Pretty good.’ She smiled dreamily at him but then her stomach spoilt the moment by rumbling so loudly that Forde chuckled. ‘I can’t help it,’ she protested. ‘I haven’t eaten for hours and I’m hungry again.’
‘How about if you go and get ready for bed and I’ll bring us up some supper?’ Forde suggested. ‘And tomorrow we have a lazy morning. Breakfast in bed, maybe even lunch in bed.’
‘You missed out elevenses.’
‘That too.’ He grinned at her, feeling slightly lightheaded that the last nightmarish months were over. He had come here this afternoon with no expectations beyond that they might share a meal together before he drove home. He’d hoped, of course. Hoped that Melanie seeing Miriam might have made a difference, that with the baby coming she would see it had two parents who loved each other and shouldn’t be apart, but he hadn’t known how long it would take before she conquered her gremlins. But it was Christmas after all, a time of miracles …
They ate a hodgepodge of a supper, which Forde brought up on a tray for them to share after he’d installed Tabitha and her kittens by the bedroom radiator in the basket. Wedges of bread from a crusty loaf, slices of fragrant ham, some of the canapés and cheeses he’d bought and slivers of the pork pie, and a couple of enormous pieces of Christmas cake. Curled up close to him in her bed with the snow falling thickly outside and Tabitha fast asleep in the basket, her kittens snuggled into their mother’s warm fur, Melanie thought it was the best meal she had ever had.
Afterwards, sated and replete, they made love again, slowly and sensually, the earlier urgency gone. She went to sleep lying in his arms as he held her close to his heart, feeling she wanted this night to last for ever. In a few hours her life had changed beyond recognition, and she had felt closer to Forde as they had made love than she had ever done in the past. Maybe it was because they had come through the fiery trial and were the stronger for it, she thought drowsily, or perhaps for the first time she had met him as an equal partner in her mind and emotions and had kept nothing back. Her guard was lowered and her defences were down, and because of that she could set aside every inhibition.
She opened her eyes one last time to check on Tabitha and the kittens, smiling as she saw three tiny shapes busy feeding. Now the kittens’ fur was dry it had fluffed up and they actually looked like baby cats. One appeared to have lighter colouring than the other two but as the room was dimly lit it was hard to see them in the half-light. But all three seemed to be doing well, although, of course, it was early days.
They had to live, she told herself, shutting her eyes and nestling into Forde’s body warmth. Tabitha had been remarkable and so brave. After all she’d gone through the little cat had to have the satisfaction of rearing her babies.
She already knew she was going to keep Tabitha and all three kittens. Their house in Kingston upon Thames had a large garden just perfect for four cats; she could already picture the kittens playing and chasing each other across the lawns and shrubbery and climbing the trees. And in the summer all four could lie in the sun together or find a cool place in the shade. Tabitha would never know what it was to be hungry again, she vowed as she drifted off to sleep. Or unloved and unwanted. Not while she had breath in her body.
Melanie awoke on Christmas Eve morning to being kissed deeply and passionately. She opened heavy-lidded eyes to a room full of white light and Forde, clad in nothing but her kitchen apron, smiling at her.
‘Your breakfast tray, ma’am.’ He indicated a tray holding a full English breakfast, toast and preserves and a glass of orange juice on the bedside table. ‘Is there anything else madam would like?’
She would never have dreamt in a million years that a fairly ordinary plastic apron could turn into something so erotic. Remembering the events of the evening before, she raised herself onto her elbow. ‘Tabitha?’
‘Fed and happy and downstairs by the kitchen radiator again with her three offspring, who are all doing extremely well. I had a nasty moment when I first woke up because the basket was empty, but once I’d found her and the kittens in the bottom of your wa
rdrobe snuggled in a jumper and put them back in the basket, she seemed quite happy to accept that’s where they all had to stay.’
‘In that case there is something else I want.’ The apron was swathed around Forde’s hips and the way his chest hair arrowed to his navel entranced her. He had never looked more sexy. She opened her arms, winding them round his neck when he bent down to her again and pulling him down beside her on the bed. ‘I love you,’ she murmured before kissing him hungrily. ‘So much.’
‘Words don’t even begin to say what I feel for you.’ He moved back slightly, taking her face between his hands as he stared into the velvet-brown of her eyes. ‘You do know I’m never going to let you go again? Whatever happens in the future, whatever it holds, we walk it side by side. Mountaintop or valley, good times and bad, I’m not budging, OK?’
‘OK.’ She kissed him again.
‘And after Christmas I’m taking you home. No argument,’ he said softly.
‘Me and Tabitha and her brood.’ Melanie punctuated each word with a kiss. ‘They’re ours now. I always wanted pets one day. I just didn’t expect to have four in one go.’
‘We’re keeping them all?’
‘Of course. Tabitha deserves that.’
‘And me?’ Forde murmured huskily, enfolding her against him so she could feel every inch of his hard arousal. ‘What do I deserve?’
‘Everything,’ she whispered throatily.
‘Well, in that case …’
He kissed her until she was pulsing with desire, bringing her to fever-pitch time and time again as he stroked and pleasured her, caressing her until she was trembling in his arms.
How had she managed to exist these last long, lonely months without him? she thought wildly. But that was all she had done: exist. This was life; being close to Forde, feeling him, loving him. And it wasn’t all about sex, mind-blowing though that was. It was his tenderness, his care towards her, the patience and love he’d shown ever since they’d met. Even when Matthew was taken from them he hadn’t blamed her for one moment; putting his own feelings of grief and sorrow aside to comfort her and be strong. She loved him so much …
