-Words of wisdom
Jessie
“Kick some ass, boy,” I said to my son. “Call me with the score once you’re done.”
And he would. He never missed a chance to tell me since he started playing over ten years ago.
“Will do, Pop. Love you.”
It’d been two weeks since the night I’d read Linc’s paper, and today was the first game between his football team and their biggest rivals in the district.
“Love you too, kid,” I rumbled. “Watch the feet.”
Linc laughed as he hung up. I was grinning, too, at the inside joke.
When I started him in our city’s pee-wee league, I had to have a long discussion with a then six-year-old Linc about kicking people when they were down.
And it’d been something I’d said to him each and every time he started a game. A superstition of sorts. One that he thought was paramount to whether he threw a good game or not.
“Yo.” I looked over to the man that was leaning up against the railing beside me, and nodded.
“Yo,” I said right back. “Whatcha doin’ out here all by yourself?”
I knew why I was out here. It was too loud in there, and it literally took everything I had not to go into hyperventilation mode when it came to stuffed spaces.
“My head’s killing me.”
I eyed the cigar that Big Papa had lit before retuning my eyes to him.
“Maybe you should stop smoking,” I offered up my two cents.
Big Papa, the president of the Dixie Wardens MC, only grunted.
My eyes strayed to the door where a woman was laughing and cursing at the same time. A man had his hands on her hips, holding her up by the strength in his arms alone.
And I was lost.
I’d know that ass anywhere.
That long hair had a first-place spot in my thoughts, and I often wandered there when I least expected it, even fourteen years later.
That laugh, though. That laugh was the place of my dreams.
When I was feeling down or out of sorts, I’d close my eyes and let my mind drift to those long-ago days where it was only me and her.
And now, I was at a club party. A club that I wanted to be a member of about as bad as I wanted to draw my next breath.
I needed a place to heal. I needed the support. And this place was it.
It had to be it.
Because, if I didn’t have this place, if I didn’t gain their trust, when I was gone, my son would be left all alone.
I wasn't stupid. The job I did wasn’t a young man’s job. Soon—in a few years—I’d be too old to work. By that time I’d probably be dead from a heart attack as I tried to pay off all my bills.
I’d watched these men from afar. Noticed how they interacted with everyone and everything for six months before I’d decided that it was time to stop being a loner and find a home—a family—for my kid. I knew they were all a loyal bunch of bikers, though rough around the edges, who were family oriented and watched out for their own.
And now that I had a better paying job that allowed me the time and ability to actually put forth the effort to become one of them, I wouldn’t be fucking it up now.
Even if the woman that still held my heart had her arm around some other man.
A man who was a fully patched member of The Dixie Wardens MC—the very same MC I was trying to become a member of; that is, if I didn’t want to kill myself by the time the process was over.
“What are you looking at?”
That was Fender, another prospect.
When did he get here?
“Nothing,” I rumbled. “What’s that?”
The distraction worked, and a smile grew on Fender’s face as he got a load of what was coming at us.
“Hey, baby. You want to come for a ride on the Fender train?”
I rolled my eyes to the dark, night sky and wondered if that pick-up line actually worked. Surely not.
I was proved wrong moments later when Fender walked away, his hand on the small of the woman’s back. He didn’t bother flashing his smug grin in my direction before he took off. He didn’t have to. He knew I was watching with surprise in my eyes.
“Hey, baby.”
I looked up, grimaced, and then walked away without bothering to reply to the woman.
I didn’t have time for this shit.
My son was about thirty minutes from his first game, and I was stuck here, dealing with bullshit, while my son got ready for one of the biggest days of his short life.
“We don’t want to keep you from your family event, you know,” Big Papa said quietly. “If you had a prior engagement, you only needed to say something. This party was for y’all, anyway.”
I didn’t bother to reply.
“Who’s he playing?”
My shoulders loosened. “Wildcats.”
Big Papa grunted. “Kid of yours is pretty good, isn’t he?”
Best in the state, for sure. He was exactly like me in so many ways that it physically hurt sometimes.
“Yeah. Better than good,” I commented. “They really won’t mind if I leave?”
“No,” Big Papa confirmed. “We only needed an excuse to drink. It being six months since you arrived was the only thing we came up with to have a party.”
Something inside of my chest loosened.
The idea of getting out of here right now, going somewhere that would calm me down, was definitely on the highest position of my list of priorities.
Normally, this place made me feel comfortable, but when people I didn’t know, and couldn’t vouch for, started to enter, I started to lose my ability to think rationally.
But I couldn’t lie to myself completely. I likely would’ve been a lot more comfortable staying here had I not just had a blast from my past knock me upside my head with a goddamn two-by-four.
Though, the woman always did have the power to bring me to my knees.
“I’m going to head out, then,” I said to Big Papa. “What time is the ride out on Saturday?”
Big Papa pulled out his phone, checked something on the calendar, and then showed me. “Says eight o’clock in the morning. You should probably get there about eight thirty.”
I laughed, “That sounds about right.”
I’d be there at eight, though, if not before.
I hated being late. If you were late, then you were pretty much signing the death warrant on the rest of your day. You’d never be on time for anything else again, because lateness had a cumulative effect.
“Have a good night, JJ.”
The tension from my shoulders lessened the further away from the back deck I got, but I did stop right at the edge of the property line to take one more longing glance back and wished I hadn’t.
Because she was there, laughing, not realizing that she was ripping my heart out while she did it.
I should’ve known, really.
***
I was standing at the railing, the railing that had a sign on it that said ‘no standing’, and waited for the kick off to the third quarter.
The Wildcats were winning by three points, but the Wolves had the ball, and a damn fine quarterback who didn’t believe in losing.
I had no doubt in my mind that this was about to get very interesting.
And I was proved right five minutes later when something caught my eye.
Turning, I froze at the sight behind me.
Chapter 3
Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
-Ellen’s secret thoughts
Ellen
“Why are we at a football game again?” I asked impassively. “And a private school’s game at that.”
Sean said a few words to me, but I couldn’t hear him over the excitement of the crowd.
I turned to survey the field, eyes widening slightly when I saw a kid who had to be twenty-one, at least, standing on the sidelines, talking to
a coach, while squirting water in his mouth as he nodded.
It took impressive skill, that was for sure.
The boy—his features reminded me of someone else. Someone that looked so similar to the boy that it took my breath away.
Longing for something I lost from long ago rolled through me, and I shut it down so viciously that my head spun.
No, I couldn’t be thinking of him. Not when I was seeing Sean.
Sean walked to the edge of the fence, and my eyes went to the sign that was next to a tall man with wavy jet-black hair. The sign read ‘No standing’ and I nearly laughed. The man had a ball cap in his hands as he was waving it around in excitement over something that was going on on the field.
Since he was turned to watch the play down field, I could only make out his back and a very partial view of his face, but it was enough to make my body hum.
His other hand was fisted so tight that it was almost as if the man was tensing and dodging right along with the plays. His shoulders moved. His feet shuffled. And I was reminded of a man from my former life.
A boy who I’d loved with all my heart who couldn’t sit still for long.
I shut those thoughts down, too.
Why was I thinking about him all of a sudden? I hadn’t thought about him in months. Though, every year around his birthday, I’d think about him. Think about where he was now, and how he was doing.
Shit!
“You okay?”
I looked over at Tally, my brother’s wife, and nodded.
“Yeah,” I cleared my throat. “Just a lot on my mind.”
She watched me closely for a few seconds before turning back to the game, her eyes on the field.
“Are you as lost as me?” I asked her.
She tossed me a laughing grin. “Yeah, but it looks fun. The air is filled with excitement. And the sound of the band brings back memories of those Friday pep rallies.”
I nodded my head in understanding. The band had already started playing a song that even my band had played when I was in school.
I’d gone to football games, of course, but never to watch the actual game. I was less of a social butterfly, and more of a follower, only there because that was the place to be in the South on a Friday night.
Then I’d met Jessie, and my entire social calendar had taken a turn for the better…until he left.
I squeezed my hands into tight fists, not stopping even when the bite of my fingernails dug into my bare palms.
This wasn’t good.
It had to be because his birthday was only a few short weeks away that I was thinking about him. His birthday was the same day as mine, and I could never think about my special day without thinking about his.
“Oh, shit.”
My eyes snapped up and zeroed in on what was happening on the field.
Someone was down.
I couldn’t see who it was, due to the crowd that was now surrounding the downed figure, but from the crowd’s reaction, it was someone important.
The man who was standing beside Sean suddenly tensed. Within a heartbeat he was standing directly on the railing of the bleachers. His large, scarred hand that had a single tattoo of an E on the backside was resting against the large silver pole that held up the massive stadium lights.
He was staring at the crowd, his body stiff but ready to move if there was a need, and it hit me like a twelve-ton truck.
I knew that man.
Knew that strong jaw.
Knew that wavy black hair.
The elbow with the scar.
The way he held himself, even fourteen years later, was the same as he had when he was a teenager.
My belly clenched, and I found it hard to breathe.
His beard was different, fuller maybe. He had lines at the sides of his eyes that told about a hard fourteen years.
The tell-tale sign that this was the man who had held my heart, for what felt like a lifetime, was the white shock of hair at the bottom of his chin. The curly locks were distinctive, and had made me want to laugh when the man had been eighteen.
Now, at thirty-two, it looked like he owned it.
Then he’d been self-conscious; now…well, now, it didn’t look like the man had a self-conscious bone in his body.
The crowd on the field parted, and the kid I’d seen talking to the coach earlier, emerged.
He looked into the stands, worry in his eyes, and found the man standing on the rails.
He pointed, the man from my past pointed back, and everyone let out the breath they’d been holding.
I, on the other hand, was in danger of passing out.
I was lightheaded, sick to my stomach, and angry all at the same time.
How dare he?
How dare he show up now when I was just finally starting to get my act together! Finally moving out from under my mother and father’s thumbs.
Shit!
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Tally. “I need to use the restroom.”
With that, I stood up, inched through the crowd of parents who were still strung too tight from the call that was just made, and made my way down the bleachers.
I had to walk directly past Jessie to do it, too.
I’d almost gotten to him when he finally decided to climb back down off of the railing, inadvertently knocking into me when his ass hit my shoulder in his haste to move.
“Sorry,” he muttered, not bothering to look up at me.
I gasped, and his eyes finally came to me.
The instant they connected, I knew he knew it was me. I also knew that he wasn’t happy to see me, seeing as his eyes went from apologetic to blank in a matter of moments.
He didn’t say a word as he turned around and walked down the bleachers in front of me.
I, on the other hand, had no other choice but to follow him or look stupid because I was the one who got up to walk this way anyway.
I watched his back as he threaded his way through the crowd, all the while my heart was hammering and tears clogged my throat.
The memories started to assault me before I could halt them.
The way he kissed me on the corner of my mouth, his tongue sweeping along my lower lip before he’d back away quickly.
His arms wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me close and holding me tight as I cried about something only a teenage girl would cry about.
My first time meeting Jessie’s son, Linc. The way Linc had wrapped his arms around my neck, just like his daddy did, and held me tight.
Linc’s second birthday party, with Jessie’s arm tight around my lower back, holding me to him as we watched his son play his little heart out with his friends.
The first time I had sex with him.
The after party of my prom, where we snuck out together to spend some time with each other without my parents insinuating themselves between us.
Yes, I had a lot of great memories.
Then…nothing. One day, he just up and left, and I hadn’t been able to find him again.
I’d spent the next week searching for him. Going to all of his old haunts. I’d even gone as far as to run by his parents’ house, but I’d chickened out about halfway up the driveway and turned around.
By the time I made it to the bathroom, I was lost. So completely and utterly lost that I wanted nothing more than to go home, wrap myself up in a blanket cocoon, not unrolling myself until all of this hurt disappeared or I became stronger.
Both of which were not going to happen.
Firstly, I had to work to support myself. Not to mention that my brother would come searching for me in a few days, and I’d have to explain to him exactly why it was that I was depressed in the first place.
And if my brother knew that Jessie James, my high school love, was in the same motorcycle club as him, I wouldn’t like what would happen afterward.
I’d heard, as we made our way to the football game, that they were going to watch
the son of a prospect play. A prospect being a guy who was not yet a member of the club but wanted to be and was working to do just that. Kind of like a biker apprenticeship of sorts.
If Tommy knew that Jessie was trying to ‘patch in,’ as he called it, then shit would go down, and I’d feel terrible all over again.
I was so lost in my thoughts as I went to the bathroom and then washed my hands, that I didn’t even notice that I was done and heading out the door again—the wrong way—until I was locked out and had nowhere to go but through the darkness toward the lights that I could see along the back of the bathrooms.
“What are you doing here?”
The harshness of the voice in the shadows had me halting, and I turned to look at the darkness, knowing that Jessie was the owner of that dark, husky voice.
“I’m here because my boyfriend and my brother are here,” I managed to squeak out. “I didn’t know you were here, too, or I wouldn’t have come.”
Silence.
“Good to know.”
Jessie emerged from the shadows, and I had to fight the urge to throw myself into his arms.
“Keep it that way.”
Then he was gone, and I was left wondering what in the hell had happened to the sweet man who had been there for me when I needed him the most.
***
“It’s nice,” I lied.
It was nice, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I liked city living. I liked being only a few short minutes away from the shopping mall or the grocery store.
What I didn’t like were the thirty minutes it took to get out here and the way Sean was watching me with intense eyes.
“You think you could live out here?”
I paused. “Ummm,” I hesitated. “Yeah, I guess. I mean I suppose, if I had no other choice. Why?”
He looked at me like I’d just broken his heart.
“No reason.” He cleared his throat and turned away. “You ready?”
I nodded thankfully as I climbed on the back of the bike after him.
The entire way to my house, I questioned what I was about to do.
But I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I couldn’t let this go on anymore without saying what was on my mind.
The moment we parked outside of the house where I was staying, I dismounted, my heart in my throat.
The Beard Made Me Do It (The Dixie Warden Rejects Book 5) Page 2
