“First plate?” I look to Chase for guidance.
“Go with it,” he mouths before following Deidra inside. I drain the rest of my beer and hear a loud screech in the distance before all goes silent.
Laney and Devin join us a few minutes later, their hair dotted with leaves, their cheeks red from the bite of the cold, matching smiles on their faces and a fresh plate of mildly charred barbecue in their hands.
The table is full to the brim with every imaginable southern dish.
Laney hands me an empty plate before dumping a spoonful of collard greens on it. I try not to cringe. “Okay, Houseman, you ever heard of this New Year’s Day tradition?”
I glance at the spoon skeptically.
“Can’t say that I have.”
“Alright, so you’re supposed to stuff yourself full of these on New Year’s Day. It’s kind of a hope or wish for your fiscal year. The more you eat, the more you’ll earn. Peas stand for coins, greens for bills.”
Laney piles them on taking up the whole of my plate, and I try to hide my groan. “That’s good. Thanks.”
“Trust me, man, they look like baby shit, but they taste pretty amazing.”
“Chase Hart, grown and married or not, you curse one more time at this table, all that tongue of yours is tasting is soap.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Chase says as Devin belly laughs.
Once we’re all seated, Deidra grabs the girls’ hands, and Chase and I follow suit.
“Laney, you say grace.”
“Dear Lort, I just want to thank you for Dorito Tacos.”
“Laney!”
“Fine. Good bread, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”
I press my lips together to keep from laughing while Deidra sighs in annoyance.
Laney shrugs. “Hey, it was good enough for Gran.”
After an exhausting marathon at the table, I’m sitting on the porch with my tomboy astride me resting her head on my shoulder. We’re both in a food coma barely able to move. Patsy Cline croons through the screen door along with Max’s snore. We’re bundled up beneath one of Gran’s old quilts, as the sun slides past the horizon between the trees highlighting a sea of bare branches.
“I like this song. Fittin’ don’t you think?” I grin and run my fingers through her hair. “Crazy.”
“It’s Gran’s favorite. She listened to it all the time.”
“Well, I like it. And I love it here.”
“Mmm,” Laney replies, her voice laced with sleep.
“I’m serious. It’s like a different world.”
“Yep.”
“I envy you got to grow up here.”
She pulls away and brings tired eyes to mine. “Really?”
“Yeah. It was so chaotic at my house.”
“It is nice.” She says, scanning the trees. “Thinking you might be a little bit of a country boy after all?”
“Maybe,” I pull her tighter to me. The smell of freshly brewed coffee fills my nose.
“I’ll be the first in the family to graduate and leave this house.”
“You don’t sound very excited about it.”
“I don’t know. What’s good enough for them is for me too. I just feel like I’m expected to do great things, you know? I’m sure if I land a job somewhere else, I’ll be happy not to be so damned broke all the time. It’s just…”
I lift my knees to nudge her closer to me. “What?”
“Every time I think about packing up and leaving here, I don’t see a destination. I’ve had four years to think about it, and I’m still not sure where I want to end up.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t even have a favorite flower, Theo. I can’t decide on a favorite friggin’ flower. If I can’t make a simple decision like that, how in the hell am I supposed to make important life-changin’ decisions?”
“I’ll clue you in on something,” I whisper.
“What?”
“Half of the people with a degree probably hate what they majored in because they didn’t know what they wanted to do either.”
“I know.”
“Some of them won’t use a tenth of what they learned in college for their career.”
“Do you think I’ll be shit as a publicist?”
“Not at all, but people like you are the best example of the good kind of chaos. You thrive in the random. You shake things up and make whatever you have going work for you. Screw the planning and just go with your gut. Stumble your way through, wing it, and do whatever makes you happy.”
“Fake it until I make it?”
“Exactly. You’re a scrapper, Laney. You hustle like no one I’ve ever seen. You cannot fail, no matter what you decide.”
“I stumbled into you.”
“Glad you did.”
“Me too.” She’s quiet for so long I assume she’s asleep. I rock us back and forth, just admiring the view and the feel of the girl in my arms.
“So, you really think I’ll stumble into my future too?”
“In the best way, yeah,” I say before pressing a gentle kiss to her temple, “I absolutely do.”
She brings her lips to mine as Deidra calls us inside for pie.
After a chaste kiss, she looks up at me with a light in her eye that warms me from within.
“Happy New Year, Houseman.”
“Happy New Year, Laney.”
#laidbacknewyears #happierthantwopigsinshit #bestfriendsforeva #perfectday #noresolutionsbutonehelluvakiss #hesallmine #livingourrealestlife
Theo
Theo: Hey.
Laney: Hey Handsome.
Theo: What are you doing?
Laney: Not much.
Theo: Good because I’m pulling up.
Laney: No!
Theo: What? Why?
Laney: Because it’s not a good time.
Theo: You just said you weren’t busy.
I roll up the gravel drive to see Ole Faithful, Deidra’s suburban, Devin’s Chevy, and a familiar car that has me slamming on my brakes.
Panic consumes me as I grapple for the handle staring at the front door of the house, expecting an explosion at any moment. I’m already running up the porch steps as Laney walks out closing the door behind her in full old lady garb, including her Madea wig.
“Houseman,” she tries to scorn with a guilty shake in her voice. “I told you now is not a good time.”
“What is Courtney’s car doing here?”
Her eyes dart left and right. “Don’t get mad. They just wanted to come for a visit.”
“Uh huh.”
“It’s long overdue,” she defends, her voice still unsteady. “You know. You can’t keep me from them forever.”
“Okay, fine. Do you want to tell me what you’re doing dressed like that?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She bites her lip pensively, and from inside the house, I hear a shriek.
“Oh Noooo! Nobody move! My contact!”
Laney winces.
“Was that Brenna?”
“Uh huh?”
“What wouldn’t I understand?”
“Just, come back in a few hours, okay?” She drops her voice low. “I’ll make it worth your while.”
“Yeah, not going to work. Get out of my way.”
“Houseman, turn around and go back the way you came and no one gets hurt.” She thrusts a finger above my shoulder just as Courtney spouts off.
“This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don’t give a damn ‘bout that grape shit!”
“Theo, trust me,” she says as I gently push her to the side and step…into an alternate universe.
All three of my sisters sit on Laney’s couch, wearing different wigs dressed like they’re ready for an ice cream social. Deidra is no less guilty in the rocker, fully decked out twenty years north of her age and her dress looks like it’s made mostly of yarn. All of them look up at me collectively with overdone blue-haired makeup on, margarit
as in one hand and scorecards laying in their laps.
“Boy sperm,” Courtney greets me with a slight slur as I trail my eyes down to Max who has the decency to look mortified in a bonnet.
I turn to Laney, utterly confused. “Live Old Maid?”
“It’s Gran’s birthday and the thirtieth anniversary of Steel Magnolias,” Devin supplies, grabbing my hand to usher me into the house. “We decided to celebrate in a way that would make her proud. I’m Shelby, Brenna is Annelle, Courtney is wicked Ouiser, Deidra is M’Lynn, and Jamie is Clairee.”
“That explains everything,” I’m unable to hide the terror in my voice. “And who are you?” I notice the enhancement to Laney’s chest.
“Truvy,” she says, blowing out a breath, “played by Dolly Parton. I was going to tell you. But—”
“That’s our fault,” Jamie explains. “Because you would have never let it happen.”
“Yes, well, I was worried it would be awkward. Imagine that?”
“Shut up, Theo. You’re ruining our game,” Courtney says, tipping back more margarita.
“Game?” I look to my girl for help.
“We, ugh,” Laney’s cheeks flame. “Well, we spout off our lines as they come and the one who nails the most wins.”
“It’s the southern bible,” Devin explains as if this behavior is normal. “Any true southern woman worth their salt is going to know a line or two of this movie by heart.”
“And what’s the prize?”
Laney shows all her teeth looking up at me fearfully.
“The golden penis,” they all say in unison.
“Courtney was in charge of that,” Laney squeaks.
“Eighteen speeds, brother,” my sister says, pulling a vibrator from a gift bag at her feet. “Would you like to stick around for the demonstration?”
“I think the boy may pass out,” Deidra says, sipping her drink. “Someone get Drum some pork and beans.”
They all burst into laughter, and I’m so lost, I may never come back.
“Walk me out?” I swallow as sweat gathers on my forehead. There is entirely too much estrogen in the room. I turn and run smack into the damned door as my sisters cackle at my back.
If there is a hell made specifically for me, I couldn’t imagine a better depiction than this. “I’ll see you later,” I say, waving a hand behind me.
“Aww, at least give him the ass end of the armadillo cake!” That gem is yelled at my back as I take in the brisk air of the porch.
“Hey, you aren’t mad, are you?” Laney says as I reach my car.
I turn to her and drag her toward me, her Dolly tits pressing against my chest and try to wrap my head around what I just walked into.
All I can do is laugh.
And she laughs with me. “I told you not to go in there.”
Chuckling I look up at her as she eyes me with caution. “You.”
“Me?” She asks with doe eyes.
“Are just…” I shake my head, “incredible.”
“Really?”
“Crazy as hell and fucking amazing.” I crush my mouth to her peach-colored lips and kiss the hell out of her. She grips my jacket and sighs into my kiss. When we pull away, I can feel the eyes through the blinds without bothering to turn my head.
“You know they’re watching.”
“I couldn’t care less.”
“So, you’re not mad then?”
“No, of course not. I was fool enough to think you needed to take them in doses. As it turns out they’re going to be your greatest allies.”
“I really like them a lot.”
“Well, they’re all yours,” I say, pressing my lips to hers, “and so am I.”
Her eyes flood with warmth. “I think it’s going to turn into a slumber party, so I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I say, giving her one last kiss.
“Get back in here, Truvy!”
In my driver’s seat, I turn the ignition and look up to see her on the other side of the hood just as she does a little Marilyn shimmy for me accentuating her puffed up chest before blowing me a kiss and running back inside.
And that’s when the thud happens. There’s no way I can fall any further.
I love her.
#payinghomagetoourqueens #steelmagnoliasanniversary #southernwomansbible #southernpride #truvytits #livingmyrealestlife
Theo
I drum my fingers along my thigh, itching to get out of class. Spring break starts in thirty minutes, and I can’t wait to have a solid week of endless Laney days. Neither of us can really afford to take off anywhere special, but both Troy and Lance left last night, which means I have a week to play house with her.
The longer the lecture goes on, the more I want to claw my hair out and curse my stupidity for not just taking the day, like half the class. If I weren’t so amped about the week ahead, I would be half asleep like the rest of the dark room, due to the amount of rain cloud cover while the teacher drones on. It’s when the room goes significantly darker that an ominous feeling creeps over me, drawing my attention to the window. And I’m not the only one who notices.
“Oh my God,” a girl whispers next to me, “is that what I think it is?”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Oh SHIT!”
Camera phones come out like guns in a gangster movie as fear temporarily paralyzes me.
“Everyone get back in your seats, please,” the instructor says just as more students line up against the room-long span of windows to our left. We all jump when every phone lights up with a weather alert, including mine as I pull it from my backpack.
Theo: Drop what you’re doing, get Max, get inside. Get in the tub!
Cursing my stupidity for texting, I frantically dial her number instead and get no answer watching in horror as the cloud circulates at rapid speed toward the ground. I can’t be sure how far away, but I know it’s in the direction of her house.
My fingers fly over the keys as a girl screams out. “It’s down. It’s down!”
Theo: Tornado! Get inside. Get in the bathroom! NOW!
“All of you out in the hall! Now!”
Fear like I’ve never known races through me as I curse my stupidity for not ever getting Devin’s number. Laney said she would be home. Why isn’t she answering?
Think, Theo.
Hardin Sports.
I Google the number and dial it and am connected to Devin in seconds while still frantically texting Laney.
“Devin, a tornado just touched down.”
“I know. I just heard. Chase is with me.”
“Good, have you talked to Laney?”
“Not since last night.”
“Is there a siren near her house?”
“I think so.”
“She’s not answering. Please, Devin, tell me there’s a siren! Have you ever heard one there?”
I can hear the panic in her voice. “I don’t know.”
“Jesus,” I say my heart hammering, sweat collecting at my forehead. “Okay, try Deidra make sure they’re safe.”
“I don’t know, Theo, I don’t know if there’s a siren!” She says in a panic.
“Devin, just call Deidra!”
“I’m on it!”
“Come on, baby, look at your phone. Look at your phone.” The prayer tumbles from my lips as my stomach knots. I dial her again keeping my eye on the menacing cloud.
“Everybody out in the hall! NOW!”
What if she doesn’t know? What if she’s taking a nap and has no clue? Ripping at my hair, I scramble to the hall with the rest of the students. The phone rings again as I close my eyes, praying she’s not stranded on the side of the road because of that fucking truck. “Pick up, please, pick up.”
I damn near hit my knees when I hear her voice.
“I’m in the tub with Max and a flashlight. And emergency Doritos.”
“Why didn’t you answer me!” I shriek like a tween at the top of my lungs.
“I got the alert
right before you texted, and I was trying to get the mattress off my bed. I couldn’t do it and get Max and talk to you.”
Too choked up to speak, I wipe my face, unable to form words.
“So, spring break is starting off with a bang, huh?” I can hear the fear in her voice, and it ruins me.
“Seems that way,” I say hoarsely.
“I’m sorry I scared you.”
“No, I’m just,” I let out a harsh breath. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I called Devin, she’s at the store with Chase, where is your mom?”
“Mom went to pick up her paycheck, and now she’s scrambling to help get all the patients out of their rooms.”
“So, you’re alone?”
“Yes.” My heart bottoms out.
“Don’t you dare hang up.”
“I won’t. But I’m kind of digging this bossy side of you.”
“Wheels are back up,” someone says from behind me. I look to see the menacing cloud has dispersed for the moment.
“Stay put until I can get to you. Don’t hang up.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m on my way.”
“No! Another could touch down any second! It’s stupid! Houseman, don’t you dare leave!”
I don’t bother to argue with her, I know how damn stupid it is.
“Don’t, Theo, please don’t get in the car.”
“It’ll be fine.”
“IT WILL NOT BE FINE!”
There isn’t a hint of humor in her voice when she speaks next. “Remember when I told you stupid men run on impulse? This is a prime example. Do not leave school. Please, please, don’t be a stupid man.”
I break from the building and sprint toward my car, the only idiot outside, eyes like saucers as I glance in all directions.
“I can hear you breathing hard, you’re running, aren’t you? Houseman, don’t you dare get in your car!”
Ignoring her, I turn the ignition and speed through the parking lot.
“You just started it. You just started your car! If you don’t get killed by a tornado, I’m going to kill you myself!”
“Is your electricity still on?”
“Yes.” I can hear the shake in her voice.
I gun my Honda onto the road from the parking lot looking in all directions.
The Underdogs: The Complete Series Page 22
