He pulls me to him and holds me there as I shake with the fear of the last two years. It’s exhausting, and all I want to do is let it go.
“I don’t think I’ve ever in my life met a man who so clearly loves and respects a woman equally as much as he does you. He’s worthy of you.”
“God, don’t I know.”
“He doesn’t.”
“I know. I just…”
“I understand you completely. It’s a horrible situation, I hate the scrutiny, myself. Not just about the way I play, but my wife, my family. It’s no picnic, but we’ve learned to ignore it. It will be the same for you.”
He pulls up his phone and begins tapping on it, which sends me on high alert.
“Troy, please don’t tell him.”
He eyes me as he continues with his phone. “I’m not going to lie to him anymore, Harper. If you’re not going to put him out of his misery, I will.”
“I will, I just need to figure out how. I don’t even know if he’ll talk to me.”
“I wasn’t texting him anyway.”
“So, who are you texting, then?”
He turns to me, holding his cell phone in plain view. I study it closely and crack up laughing. “Is that you?”
“Yes. Google Drive. My mom was kind enough to scan and organize the family photos and saved this gem.”
“Okay, so you had one bad picture day.”
“And this is seventh grade.”
“Geesh. Is, oh hell, Troy, are those your teeth?”
“Yep. Single mom. She couldn’t afford braces. I was stuck with those fucking teeth until my freshman year of high school.”
“Yikes.”
“So. I may know a thing or two about feeling ugly.”
“Yeah, well, you got them fixed. I’m not about to Jennifer Grey myself and get a nose job. Screw all that. But I did consider it briefly.”
“Then don’t. He would hate it if you changed a single thing about your face. You know that. But all of us at one point of our lives are on an insecurity streak, and there’s always going to be some asshole quick to point out your flaws, even with a backhanded compliment. Then there are the people who see nothing but how they feel about you.” He glances at the photo and grins. “Mom loved this fugly ass kid. When she sees this picture, she sees the son she loves. And you saw—”
“Your teeth,” I admit, feeling guilty, “your flaws.”
“We’re all guilty, Harper. Most are programmed somehow to be assholes and notice the flaws first. Even a saint would gasp at these fucking teeth. You just have to ignore the assholes who speak up and say, ‘What the fuck is wrong with that boy’s teeth?’”
We both burst into laughter. He tips his beer and shakes his head. “See, we’re laughing, but if that boy wasn’t me?”
“I know.”
“He never saw your flaws, Harper.”
“I know. I screwed up so bad.
“No, see, I think you’re brave.”
“How? I let my insecurities get the best of me, and I ran away like a coward.”
“Maybe you did, then, I think you’re brave now because you know you’re not going to Canada.”
Lance
I take a punch, appreciating the burn in my jaw while trying to lighten up. Jab, jab, hook. Chris’s head snaps back with each blow.
I let my frustration overpower me, and then I’m flying, my fists the propeller, my legs, the anchor.
“Watch it,” Tony growls as I dig into my sparring partner, my hooks landing too heavy for a friendly bout.
“Easy, bro,” Trevor chimes in from the side of the ring.
I’m too in the moment to ease up, ready to unleash.
Body, body, body, uppercut.
“Ease up,” Tony barks.
I charge forward cornering Chris, before unleashing another combination.
“Done. Time,” Tony calls. “Enough!”
I pull away, extending my arms out at Tony in frustration.
“Jesus, man.” Chris spits out a mouthful of blood after pulling out his mouthguard. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I blow out a breath, trying to steady my pulse. I’m still in the mood to brawl and have no outlet.
“Get him out of there,” Tony barks at Rip, one of my dad’s longtime retired ranch hands who now works in my corner. “He’s not fucking listening today.”
“I’m all ears,” I grunt, spitting out my mouthguard. “I need a match.”
“You need to work on your fucking feet. I’m done today, and so are you. What the hell were you thinking laying into him like that?”
“I’m thinking you need to get me someone in here that can fucking handle it!”
Chris tosses me a look. “Offense taken, asshole. Tony, I’m out.” Chris gathers his gear and stalks out of the barn as Tony turns back to me with accusing eyes.
“It’s called sparring for a reason.” He pulls himself up eye level with me on the side of the ring.
I tap my gloves together, still alternating on my feet. “He’s a welterweight! Get me a match!”
Tony crosses his arms perched on the side of the ring. “You know anyone else willing to come out to this cow pasture specifically for you?”
“It’s your job to figure that out!” I throw up my gloves.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Tony says, sizing me up. “A hard hit isn’t all you need. You still need speed. You think you’re outclassing that guy? You don’t have shit on the guy you’re about to try to pound into submission. They might not land as hard as you, but it won’t matter if you can’t match their speed. And they will hit hard and land more.”
I shrug. “It’s working so far.”
“That’s it,” Tony spits. “Rip, glove me up.”
“What?” I laugh, incredulous. “You aren’t serious.”
Rip hooks Tony up with some gloves as my little brother snickers on the side of the ring. “Now you’ve done it,” Trevor laughs. “You’re about to get your ass kicked by an old man.”
“Forty-two isn’t old, you little shit,” Tony says to Trevor pointedly. “I’m just smart enough to know when to stop running my damned mouth, unlike you and your brother. There’s a lot to be gained from humility.”
Trevor, being Trevor, spouts off. “He’s practically undefeated.”
“Yeah, except he’s not.”
Chris’s tires crunch in the distance before he tears out, and I know I fucked up. Chris was doing us a favor. An apology is in order, I’m just too pissed off to fess up. I hate myself, but I need to get this out. Fill this gaping hole somehow. Tony’s not the only one who’s disgusted. I came back from New York City with a bitterness I can’t shake. I still can’t bring myself to admit it was a mistake to go, but I hate the fact that I have this knowledge now. I wasn’t good enough, and though my actions are proving it now, I’m getting better at blaming her.
Tony stands on the opposing side of the ring. “Two rounds, asshole. If you can land more than fifteen solid punches, I’ll shut the hell up for the rest of today.”
“Done,” I say as Trevor snatches the mouthguard at my feet and hoses it off with my water bottle.
“Don’t take it easy on me now,” Tony scoffs with a sinister grin before putting in his mouthpiece. He looks over to Rip, “Your count.”
“On it,” Rip says, just as entertained as Trevor, who has sprouted up to a man’s height in the last year. He’s almost got me beat at only sixteen, still wet behind the ears, but cocky as ever.
I bounce on the floor of the ring, the ring Trevor, Tony, and I constructed in my father’s tractor barn where I train daily. The barn still houses our farm equipment, but within the large space is now my own arena, which makes it far more convenient to train at the ranch.
“Hey, bro,” I instruct Trevor, “do me a favor and make the speakers bleed.” He nods, walking over to the workbench where the stereo sits. The speakers start thrumming as I put my mouthguard in and wink at Tony before giving him a ‘come h
ither’ with my glove.
Harper
White Zombie blares from the barn adjacent to the house as I pull up in my rental car. In a mere few hundred steps, I’m going to commit to the man I love. Either that or beg forgiveness. I’m terrified. Plain and simple. Not about the commitment itself, but for what it means for the future. Doubt creeps in as I eye the barn.
What if I’m too late? What if he’s already moved on, at least in the physical sense and is seeing someone else? If so, it would be my fault, and I’m just going to have to deal with it. My hesitation might have cost me more than I can handle this round. Panicked, I leave my suitcase in the car and shut the door to the rental peering at the ranch house. It’s still as spacious as I remember, heavy wood and stone, smoke pluming from the chimney. It’s cozy, a picture-perfect home nestled amongst acres and acres of pasture. I shiver, the mid-February chill seeping through my hoodie.
One step in front of the other, Harper.
I can’t swing if I have nothing to swing for.
I can’t go through losing him again, that much I know. These last six weeks have been utter hell on earth. What we have, I won’t ever be able to replace with anyone else in this lifetime or any other. He’s worth it. And this time I’ll have to fight for him, to be with him, longer and harder than I ever have. But first, I need to step in the ring, and of all the steps I’ve taken in my life, this is the hardest.
One breath, one step at a time.
Years ago, I swore no man would ever take precedence over my dancing career. This step makes me a liar.
But I’m no longer just a dancer in love with a football player.
I’m a woman in love with a man I can’t and refuse to live without.
Everything has changed. I’ve spent the last two years dancing, I can spend the next few months of my life securing my place with Lance. Committing.
It’s the phantom itch in the back of my skull that keeps me standing in the middle of his yard.
“Happy, you little bitch?”
Lance is fearless. Though not outspoken, he takes every task on in his life without reservation, regardless of how he feels. I can’t let this fear win if I want to be the one to venture through life with him.
Searching for courage, I recall the surprising wisdom of René’s words as I took the drive down from the airport. I finally told him the details of what happened back at Grand, and he was angrier than he’d ever been with me. After a thorough bitching out, he cried, and then helped me construct a game plan.
“We all need an end game, Mami. No one want to be alones forever.”
“You want to get married?”
“Of course. Someday. Everyone needs a partner to finish dis life with. When I getting old and grey, I want the right person with me. The one who knows I too chort to get the cup from the cabinet and gets it for me without me asking. Tings like that. Someone who looks out for ju without ju being aware. Ju might be a dancer now, but the chelf life is short, ju won’t die one. Ju need someone who make it stings less when dancing is over, make ju smile, make tings easier, inspires ju.”
“Lance is that for me. He’s everything for me.”
“The difference between me and ju is that my end game has no face yet. Maybes it Ricky, maybes not, but jours does.”
“I love him. I want this. I don’t want to be without him anymore. I can’t.”
“Then ju chow him the truth. Chow him he now a part of jour dream. If he don want to see it, ju come home.”
I run my finger between my braids, along the back of my head just as the front door opens, and Jeannie appears. “Harper? Baby, it is you!” She shuts the front door and wraps her sweater around her to ward off the chill. “Honey, it’s freezing out here, what are you doing standing in the yard?”
“Jeannie, hi, I, uh, well,” I fumble for words as she walks down the few steps toward me.
“Get over here, girl, let me take a look at you.” She pulls me into her arms and hugs me tightly. I hug her right back. Her embrace is warm, comforting.
“How’ve you been?” She pulls back to study me.
“I’ve been good. Really good. How about you?”
“Holding up well. And you look beautiful.”
“Thank you. So do you.”
She glances toward the barn. “Nervous, huh?”
“Yes,” I swallow.
Her son has her hair color, her nose, and lips. She’s beautiful and wise. It’s scary just how easily she reads me. “It’s pretty terrifying deciding on someone, isn’t it?”
If she only knew, but I don’t explain my fears because I’m in the midst of facing them, so I just nod.
She pulls me to her side as she walks toward the barn.
“He’s been waiting on you for some time.” I hear the warning in her voice, along with the plea not to torture her son unnecessarily. She eyes me cautiously as I take a step in the ring. “I’m not here to hurt him.”
“I thought as much. Are you staying?”
“If he’ll have me.”
She lifts a brow. “Not going to lie, he came home a lot harder to get along with.”
Guilt mars me, and she shakes her head. “You’re here now, that’s all that matters. I’m just about to start supper. Why don’t you go say hi?”
“Okay.” I swallow again, hesitation clear in my posture.
“I knew it the first time I saw him look at you. It doesn’t solve everything, but it helps. Go on, go get him, baby.” Jeannie heads toward the house and glances back at me with a comforting smile. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too.”
“Give him hell,” she says just before she closes the door.
Shaking all fear away, I take a deep breath. It’s time to fight, for me, for him, for us, for what we both want.
Mind made up, I make my way toward the barn, guard down, and gloves up.
Lance
“Shit, twelve. You’ve only landed twelve,” Trevor snaps off at the mouth just as Tony lands a right that has me dizzy. I see the pleasure in his eyes when he stuns me. Pissed, I come at him with a right hook that jars him.
“Now it’s a fight,” he mumbles around his mouthpiece, his eyes alight with satisfaction. Channeling the beast, I swing again, and he dodges it far too easily.
“Sixteen landed, thirty seconds left,” Rip shouts from my corner.
Pissed, I do my best to corner Tony and run a combo on him just before time is called.
“Holy shit, you just got schooled,” Trevor says with awe in his voice.
Tony pulls off his gloves and glares at me. “If you think I’m happy about this, think again. Your speed is shit. You’ve regressed.”
I spit out my guard. “I don’t give a shit what you’re happy about.”
Tony shakes his head. “You need to get right, kid. Head and heart. You need to shake it off and concentrate.”
“And what is it you think I’m doing?”
“Brawling, not boxing. It’s a sport, not a street fight. Lately, you’ve forgotten your form, and now you’re just bloodthirsty.”
“You know what, man,” I shake my head my temper flaring, “you think—”
“I’ll take a crack at him. One glove.”
The sound of her voice has me reeling where I stand. I turn to see Harper at the foot of the ring in an oversized Giants hoodie and matching beanie. She looks beautiful and completely foreign standing here in my space. With as many times as I pictured her there, it does no justice to the real thing, which only angers me.
I stare down at her, incredulous as to how she got so close without me noticing her. All eyes on her, she stands with clear confrontation on her features, her hands on her hips. “Since when are you such an egomaniac that you get in your own way?”
Trying to mask the kick to my heart, I give her a listless stare. “What the hell do you know about it?”
“I know what I just witnessed, isn’t you.”
“That right?” I walk over to the side of the
ring, crossing my gloves on the rope as I peer down at her. “Sweetheart, you haven’t been around for two years, and what’s it been now, six weeks? So again, what in the hell do you know?”
“I know enough.” She’s acting full-on pissed with no right to be. At the moment, I just want to pull her to me and smash the smartass off her lips before savoring it off her tongue. She’s a much-needed fresh breath of air for my collapsed lungs, but I refuse to inhale because I know the cost.
I’m a man standing in the wake of lost love, bitterness in my heart, and singed beyond anything I can control. I was supposed to have left her there, in that apartment, in that city, but she’s been with me the whole time, and her sudden appearance is only worsening the fact—I can’t get over this damned woman.
But I’m determined to. And I refuse to let her fuck with what’s left in my chest.
“Harper, what are you doing here?”
“I was invited by someone, right now, I don’t think you would recognize him.”
“Consider yourself un-invited. Surprised you found your way here. When you leave, go back the same way you came.”
“Shut up, asshole,” Trevor spouts before making his way to Harper. “Hey, you. Good to see you.”
She gives him a grin with his greeting of “Hey, you,” and he pulls her into a hug, lifting her off her feet. This lights me up as I feed on the animosity in the barn and the irritation at her sudden appearance. He doesn’t know her. Not like I do. He’s only met her once. But she’s done nothing but wreak havoc on my life since the minute I fell for her. She can’t be here, invading my space, burning more of herself into my memory. She has no right to weasel her way in with any sort of opinion or air of authority. I can feel my pulse thundering at my neck as Trevor hugs her a lot longer than appropriate. “Looking good, girl.”
“Thanks. And look at you, all grown up.”
“Yeah?” His grin is full of pride. “You’d be surprised how much I’ve gro—”
The Underdogs: The Complete Series Page 80
