by Mark Horn
Yes, Yesod is about sexual Connection. But what is it about “no” and the setting of Boundaries that so many men do not seem to understand?
I have a memory from an old comedy skit that I can’t place: in it, a man is forcing his attentions on a woman, and she protests, saying “Don’t.” Then she says “Stop!” He continues to press forward as she says “Don’t,” followed again soon after by “Stop!” But then the words run together so that what first was a protest has turned into an expression of desire as she says “Don’t stop! Don’t stop!” It was meant to be funny. Of course, today it seems anything but.
This was a message to men: women may say “no,” but they mean “yes.” Uh, no. However, it seems as though many men have internalized this message, whether they’ve seen this skit or not. And it’s not just an issue between men and women.
I was raped when I was nineteen years old. Yes, me too. Though I feel that it’s not entirely appropriate for a man to use this anthemic phrase that speaks to what feels like structural misogynistic violence in our society. And as someone who was also molested as a child, I have struggled a great deal with setting or observing sexual boundaries. But my story isn’t uncommon. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, in the United States, one in three women and one in six men experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.3 And more than half of those who reported being raped, whether male or female, were violated by someone they knew—either an intimate partner or an acquaintance.
Stories like this are hardly new. The Tanakh tells the story of how King David’s eldest son, Amnon, plotted to rape his sister Tamar. Once he had committed the crime, “Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred.”4 Sound familiar? It’s always the victim’s fault. And I’m sure his hatred was a projection of his own self-loathing and disgust. Often men act out their self-loathing in sexual violence, which is then reinforced by this action, setting in motion a cycle of assault.
For today, we’ll look at the effects of broken Boundaries in sexual Connection. We’ll also consider how the Boundary-setting Restraint of Gevurah can provide safety from sexual violence and how the Discipline of Gevurah can be part of a healthy relationship of Intimacy.
Day 37: Gevurah of Yesod in Atzilut
The Five and Nine of Wands
_________within_________
We’ve looked at the figure in the Nine of Wands before as someone whose ability to accept or even tolerate Intimacy has been wounded. In this pairing with the Five of Wands, we can see the origin of this wounding in a Boundary violation. While the suit of Wands as Atzilut is not generally interpreted physically, we can’t ignore the phallic nature of the suit, especially in the week of Yesod. So when I look at the Five of Wands in this context, several places where sexual abuse seems to thrive come to mind, whether orthodox yeshivas, high school football teams, Olympic ice skating teams, Hollywood studios, Congress, the Catholic Church, churches in general, or frat houses; people in all these settings can share a mind-set that has come to be known as rape culture.
If this phrase is new to you, rape culture has been defined as a setting where rape is pervasive and the perpetrators, who are often people in power or from privileged groups, are not only not held accountable, but their actions also are minimized because their communities don’t want to ruin their futures (in the cases of student athletes) or their careers (in the cases of teachers, coaches, doctors, clerics, or legislators), thus revictimizing the person who was assaulted. Brock Turner, a Stanford University student on the school’s swim team who was convicted of sexual assault, received what many at the time considered a light sentence, some say because the judge in the case had also attended Stanford, where he was captain of the lacrosse team. Turner’s father protested against the prosecutor, who was seeking a harsher sentence, writing that the sentence would be “a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.”5 Of course, there may be no clearer example of rape culture than the now infamous phrase, “Grab them by the pussy.”
While the figure in the Nine of Wands is male, the dynamic being illustrated is not about the gender of the person being violated. Because rape culture is about establishing dominance and power, regardless of the gender of the victim.
These cards ask us to consider how we participate in rape culture. The phrase “Grab them by the pussy” was excused as “locker-room talk.” But in Judaism, words have power, and words like this deny the dignity and agency of another. Of course, I’ve been guilty of such talk. Before I came out, I would participate in talk like this with other young men as a way of hiding who I was, so that I was doing violence to myself as well as to others. And as a gay man, I’ve objectified and sexualized other gay men in what is called “sport fucking,” which is the seeking out of casual sex as both hunt and conquest—often going out with friends and competing to see who catches someone first. There are those who would say that’s just boys being boys. No, that’s boys socialized into a system by society.
Based on my own history and experience, that’s what seeing this pairing brings up for me. It means I have healing to do, and I have to make amends to some people, and it means I must be more conscious moving forward. I can’t speak the way I did when I was younger. I can’t remain silent when other people say sexist, misogynistic things. And I have work to do in emotional and sexual Intimacy. My history is such that my stance in the world is not so different from the man in the Nine of Wands in that I am not very trusting and I enter almost every relationship expecting to be betrayed. Of course, this very stance helps create the thing I fear.
Your response to this pairing may be very different if you haven’t had any experiences of abuse—and I hope that’s true. It means your work around this energy also will be very different. But if you have had such experiences, as you do the work of this day, remember to be gentle with yourself. There’s a way in which you can see the figure in the Nine of Wands as taking a “time out” to heal while leaving room for the possibility of Connection. If you’re taking just such a break, it can be a very good thing. Just be sure it doesn’t harden into your stance in the world.
Day 37: Gevurah of Yesod in B’riah
The Five and Nine of Cups
_________within_________
In the previous pair, the man in the Nine of Wands showed his wounds to the world, even if he deflected Connection. Here, in the pairing of the Five and Nine of Cups, we have a similar situation, with a traumatic wounding, but here the pain we see in the Five of Cups is hidden in the Nine of Cups. In the Gevurah card, we confront brokenness. And because the figure in black is looking down on the broken cups in a way that hides her face, the natural response is to interpret this as mourning, and while this can be the case, we can also interpret the situation as the figure feeling shame.
The figure in the Five of Cups could be mourning lost Relationships, lost innocence, or broken promises or vows. And this figure could be ashamed of actions they have taken that have led to this break. We can also think of this figure as experiencing their own inner brokenness as the result of abuse, either as victim or perpetrator.
Then we come to the Nine of Cups. I’ve mentioned before that this card can suggest high-functioning alcoholism, and any addiction can be a response to abuse or a way to numb feelings of loss or shame. Similarly, I’ve written about this card as showing someone with something to hide. He could be hiding how damaged and ashamed he really feels inside as a victim, or he could be hiding how ashamed and guilty he feels as a perpetrator. Or both, since so many perpetrators of abuse have a history of being abused themselves.
In this dynamic, the Intimate Connection of Yesod is blocked by past trauma that is unresolved and unacknowledged. This trauma does not have to be sexual, but it is probably the result of a Boundary violation or break of some sort. Until this is dealt with, the Connection on offer in the Nine of Cups will only be a surface, shallow Connection. And all the pleasures and emotions represented by the nine cups o
n the table will continue to be overshadowed by the three overturned cups in the Five of Cups.
Personally, I experience this pairing as about the loss of friends and lovers to HIV. As I write these words, I am sitting in a house in the Pines, on Fire Island, one of the most popular queer beach resorts in the country. Just the other night, while I was out with friends watching the sun set at the harbor, I heard a man in his early twenties ask an older man why he was single. I held my breath for a second, tensing against what I was afraid would be the reply.
“All the men I ever loved are dead; the man who was my soul mate died more than ten years ago,” the older man replied.
If you had seen this older man dancing at a pool party earlier in the afternoon, you would not have suspected this sadness, for not unlike the man in the Nine of Cups, he puts on a good face. And he does enjoy his life, and he has many blessings. But he is still traumatized by the losses in the eighties and nineties of his friends and lovers. He has been unable to let anyone in to a new Intimate relationship out of Fear (another face of Gevurah) of reexperiencing this trauma and loss. But aside from that momentary reveal of his pain, his time out here looks to all who don’t know his story to be filled with pleasure. And it is. However, it is pleasure shadowed by loss and grief. Sometimes he drinks too much; sometimes he uses other drugs as well to numb himself to the memories. How do I know all this? I know this man well, though he is not a housemate. His pain is a pain I have also known, and there are many like him in my generation. I pray for the healing of his heart and the hearts of all those so affected.
Day 37: Gevurah of Yesod in Yetzirah
The Five and Nine of Swords
_________within_________
So far, I haven’t spoken very much about the face of Gevurah known as Pachad—Fear. But in this pairing, I see Fear of Intimacy. It’s the expectation that letting someone in for Intimate Connection will only lead to betrayal, Boundary violations, and pain. It’s an expectation that could be the result of something one has experienced in the past or because one has seen the suffering in one’s family after an infidelity by a parent.
The grief we see in the Nine of Swords can be because one has been betrayed or because one is ashamed of having betrayed another. We can look at the figures in these two cards either as a couple or as two aspects of one person.
Because Yesod includes sexual Connection as one of its facets, this seems like the obvious place to go. But remember, in Judaism sexuality is not separate from spirituality, so that a sexual betrayal can be a metaphor for a spiritual betrayal. And in fact, this exact metaphor runs through the Tanakh, though nowhere perhaps as directly in the book of the prophet Hosea.
The story opens with YHVH telling Hosea to find a prostitute and marry her. Why? So he will understand the sense of betrayal felt by the Divine. Yes, there are lots of stories of men who break their marriage vows—not least among them King David. But when YHVH is unhappy with the People Israel for breaking the covenant by worshipping other gods, the language used is one of sexual infidelity and prostitution, with YHVH as the “man.” The people “whore” after foreign gods. So that YHVH tells Hosea:
I will punish her for the days of the Baalim,*40
When she made offerings to them,
And when she decked herself with earrings and jewels,
And went after her lovers,
Forgetting Me—declares YHVH.6
While the offender in the Five of Swords is male and the grieving figure in the Nine of Swords appears to be female, the metaphor works for all gender combinations. If you break the covenant, you are breaking your Connection to the Divine, and there are consequences. So that not only does YHVH grieve, but so will you.
I know this broken Connection because I have felt my Connection break. While I do not believe in the letter of all the commandments, I do know there are actions that, at least for me, are not acceptable behavior. These actions might bring other people closer to a sense of the Divine, but for me the result is the exact opposite. And knowing this, I have nevertheless persisted at times in such actions so that one evening I can remember feeling something break inside me—as though an energy channel in my spine was cut or went out of alignment.
Afterward, there were many nights when I felt like the figure in the Nine of Swords—out of alignment with my integrity and cut off from Divine Connection. But what is important to know is that there is always a way back.
The first two words of my bar mitzvah haftorah, which I chanted at age thirteen, before I walked away from Judaism for many years, were also from Hosea: “Shuvah Y’Israel,” (Return Israel). And YHVH promises, “Generously will I take them back in love.”7
The path of return is not fast or easy. But the gates are always open to those whose hearts open to t’shuvah.
Day 37: Gevurah of Yesod in Assiyah
The Five and Nine of Pentacles
_________within_________
The stone that the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone.
PSALMS 118:22
How do we get from the Five of Pentacles, with its feelings of negative Judgment and rejection, to the Nine of Pentacles, the cornerstone that is the Foundation? Let’s start with the card of Gevurah and look at the Relationship of the two poor people left outside the church in the snow. Their Strength in adversity is not the only thing that helps them to survive; they also apply that Strength to their Bonding with each other. So the difficulties they face together are what help them stay together, closely Connected spiritually, even if they appear to be in spiritual exile from the Church.
Despite the fact that they are outside in the cold, their Relationship of spiritual Intimacy is the garden in their lives that we see in the Nine of Pentacles. Having “found” each other, their Relationship also becomes the Foundation of their Strength.
Looking at their Relationship from the other side, from the Shadow Tree, the two figures in the Five of Pentacles could have Bonded over their shared resentment of being rejected and Judged negatively. They could take a “Fox and the Grapes”–type approach to their rejection and cast aspersions on the institution that has kept them outside. Like Groucho Marx, who is reported to have said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member,” they may wear their rejection as a badge of honor, knowing in their hearts that their Relationship exemplifies the spiritual values that the institution that has excluded and scorned them purports to maintain.
This is part of my own spiritual journey as a queer Jew. At age thirteen, the day after my bar mitzvah, I walked away from Judaism in selfexile because I knew I was gay and I knew that as soon as I came out I would be a “stone that was rejected.” I went through stages that were angry and resentful. I went through a period of militant atheism. I found groups that offered spiritual gifts within the LGBTQ community, and I began my search for a path to the Divine that felt welcoming of all of me. I discovered queer spirituality. I found spiritual practices and traditions that helped heal my resentment, and eventually I found my way home to Judaism in the years of ferment before the Conservative movement shifted their view on lesbian and gay Relationships to acceptance. And I brought my experience in social activism to the denominational hierarchy in Conservativism.
The first time I went to Congregation B’nai Jeshurun for Erev Shabbat services, there just happened to be an LGBTQ social potluck dinner after services. After we said the blessings on the wine and the bread, Rabbi Marshall T. Meyer, z’’l, said something I had waited many years to hear.
“We don’t hold these events to show people how ‘tolerant’ we are. We do this because as a community, we are not whole without you,” he said.
That was when I knew I had finally found a Jewish home. Though I have to admit, when I heard these words, they sounded so good I wasn’t sure I trusted what I was hearing. But I kept going back, and soon I discovered that this rabbi walked his talk. And that this community was willing to struggle with the hard issues with respect, integrit
y, and love. Within a very short time, I found myself Strongly Connected to the community, to its leaders, and to their mission. I found myself Connected to the tradition I was born into in ways that opened me to a deeper Connection to the Divine.
Because you’re reading this book, there is every possibility that you too have walked away from a tradition that made you feel rejected for one reason or another. Perhaps you’ve found a way to return, or maybe you’ve found a new home. Not everyone gets to return to their tradition in the way I have. But Strong Bonds can be forged in Intimate spiritual relationships that show there are gates to Divine Connection everywhere, and they are always open.
Questions for reflection and contemplation: Day 37
1. (Wands) What is your experience with Intimacy Boundaries? Have yours been respected or violated? Do you respect those of others? How has your experience affected your ability to trust others? If your Intimacy Boundaries are weak, what can you do to strengthen those Boundaries? If they are too defended, how can you open up safely?
2. (Cups) Have you ever had traumatic experiences of loss that make it difficult for you to open to new Intimacy? If you feel broken in some way, how does that prevent you from opening to deep Intimacy? Consider sharing your feelings of brokenness with someone you have a Foundation of Intimacy with. In Intimate Relationships, do you focus more on what could go wrong as a way of holding yourself back from going deeper? If so, what can you do to change that?
3. (Swords) What is your experience of betrayal in Intimate relationship? Do you choose trustworthy people to Bond with? If you have ever betrayed your own values, how did that affect your Connection with the Divine? What temptations do you face that leave you feeling disconnected or distant from the Divine? What actions can you take to reconnect?
4. (Pentacles) Have you ever Bonded deeply with someone in shared adversity? If so, did your Connection feel spiritually Intimate or did it feel desperate? Can it be both? If you ever felt cut off from your faith community, what did you do to maintain your Connection with the Divine?
