by Mark Horn
3. (Swords) What patterns and negative Relationship dynamics illustrated by these cards do you recognize from your own Relationships? What can you do to free yourself from these dynamics?
4. (Pentacles) When you want to correct someone close to you, what do you usually do or say? What might you do to correct that person with a greater sense of Humility? How would this change the situation or the result? What are some small things you can do to express Gratitude to your partner? What small details do you notice that if you speak about them could evoke greater Intimacy with your partner?
Day 41: Yesod of Yesod
Desire as the Foundation for All Spiritual Pursuits
Today is the forty-first day of the Omer, which is five weeks and six days of the Omer.
In Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life; Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy, psychiatrist and Buddhist teacher Mark Epstein explores the “left-handed path”; that is, the path of sensual desire. Like the Baal Shem Tov, who encouraged his followers to examine desire to its root in order to discover the spark of holiness that animates it, so too Buddhism offers opportunities to make desire a path of self-understanding, turning it into a meditation.16
When I returned from my first Vipassana retreat, I felt free of the need to act on compulsive desires for the first time in ten years. And a year later, when those desires begin to pull on me again with greater insistence, I thought I could turn the actions into a meditation. I saw into the nature of my acting out and how it was related to my low self-esteem. If I had stopped there, it would have been a valuable lesson. But I did not, and I was pulled back into and eventually lost in the whirlpool of desire. At least I have good company. As Epstein notes, the unskillful way that spiritual traditions deal with lust has led respected teachers from every tradition—I repeat, every tradition—to fall.17 Nevertheless, his book recognizes the possibility of using desire instead of being used by it. How it can be the Foundation for all spiritual pursuits.
Certainly, this was the reason Rabbi Akiva argued for the inclusion of the Song of Songs in the Tanakh. The erotic sensuality of the poem is interpreted as the love of YHVH for the People Israel. And as I noted in the chapter on the Tree of Life, sexual relations between a husband and wife on Erev Shabbat are considered to be a theurgic reunification of the YHVH and his Shekinah—the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine.
There was a reason the rabbis traditionally only taught Kabbalah to married men over the age of forty. Working with the Sephirot can unleash sexual energies—or energies that will be acted on sexually—and they believed one needs a container where these energies could be acted on with consciousness and holy intention.
Yesod is not only the Divine phallus; it is also the Divine birth canal of the world of Creation that we live in, Malchut. And we are literally commanded to mirror this creative act, being told to “be fruitful and multiply.”18 This desire is part of our very nature: the question is how we can use it to consciously work in partnership with the Divine to further the work of Creation without getting lost in lust. And it’s a question that is alive for me, since as a single man, the search for a relationship that creates a safe container where Intimacy and Connection are affirmed both spiritually and sexually can easily be diverted into a search to satisfy a more insistent, compulsive, and immediate urge. This is the spiritual tightrope I walk.
Day 41: Yesod of Yesod in the Four Worlds
The Nine of Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles
_________within_________
Look into the nature of desire and there is boundless light.
PADMASAMBHAVA
Gimme, gimme, that thing called love.
“Gimme, Gimme,” from Thoroughly Modern Millie,
LYRICS BY DICK SCANLAN
In the Nine of Wands, this “boundless light” is going to have trouble getting through the stockade of staves, if that is indeed what we’re seeing. Because just as in the Seven of Wands, these staves could represent a group lined up in opposition against or trying to tempt our protagonist, hemming him in and trapping him rather than offering him protection. And both of these interpretations can be true at the same time. Any way you look at it, though, reaching out to this man won’t be easy. Having been hurt before, he expects to be hurt again. But what’s on the other side of the stockade? I don’t see any other people massed in the distance and readying an attack. It’s only open countryside. The attack he expects may only be in his mind; he has been wounded and traumatized, and this has left him in a defensive crouch. The line of staves may be providing him some sense of protection regardless of how puny a defense they may offer. So the gap in the line of staves could be an opportunity for him to step through his fears and into the freedom on the other side.
In Yesod of Yesod, it’s easy to read that his wounding is sexual and that he has withdrawn from Relationships, emotional and sexual, to recover. But the thing about this wounding is that for healing to happen, it must happen in Relationship. And right now, he isn’t ready for Intimacy; he doesn’t trust. The way he holds the stave in his hands might suggest that he is holding on to his suffering and fear and holding back his own sexuality; there’s a trauma he does not know how to heal from. He may get help, but ultimately, he has to let someone through the stockade or he has to step through to freedom on the other side. Only he can do this. And by him, I mean me.
Because we’re in the suit of Wands, we’re in the world of Atzilut, so I want to mention another way to consider the Nine of Wands—as spiritual wounding by a male-dominated, patriarchal religious institution. Which, again, can simultaneously be sexual wounding. I’m not pointing fingers at any one tradition here; there’s a lot of blame to go around. Just as I am writing this, another Buddhist teacher has had to resign from a worldwide organization he founded because of sexual abuse, while the pope has just called for a meeting of bishops to discuss the ongoing abuse scandals roiling the Catholic Church.
If this is a wound you share, recognizing the origin of the wound is one way to start the process of healing Intimacy trauma. Given the prevalence of sexual abuse in religious institutions and the silence around it, many people suffer a deep alienation from their own spiritual nature since their experience has made them feel it is unsafe. And it has made them fearful of their own sexuality. This is where finding one’s own path, without giving away spiritual authority, is one way to heal. But because healing happens in Relationship, finding a good and reputable therapist to work with is important, even though trusting a therapist is difficult. I found an amazing therapist whom I worked with for more than twenty years, but it took me an extremely long time to trust him. Finding a group of survivors who support each other can be an important part of the process, because learning to reestablish trust is essential for healing.
Intimacy trauma can result when a person or institution on which a child depends for survival significantly violates that child’s trust or sense of well-being, and that betrayal can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Some of the many long-term effects of such a betrayal of trust can include overcompensatory actions, such as a strong drive to succeed as a way of creating a sense of protection, sexual acting out, and substance abuse. Sometimes these things go together, since ultimately, things like financial success do not heal the wounded soul. And we can see the Nine of Cups as an example of overcompensatory success to Intimacy trauma.
Clearly, the man seated before us is successful: his clothing and his body language tell us he has done well in the world. But his arms are crossed over his heart even as his legs are spread wide, suggesting sexual Connection without Intimacy or sexual acting out to distract from difficult emotions. So while one could interpret him as a host welcoming guests, it is a welcome of mixed messages. And as noted earlier, the nine cups arrayed behind him could stand for alcohol abuse or, really, any substance abuse or acting-out behavior (such as treating sexual partners as objects or trophies) that enables him to avoid feeling difficult emotions.
Now, for those o
f you tarot readers who have been silently arguing with this interpretation of the Nine of Cups or some variations of it so far, remember, these images serve as a kind of Rorschach test: I project onto them and then say what I see. This may or may not tell you something of what might have been going on in Pamela Colman Smith’s head, but it certainly reveals things about me. That’s what this work is about. It is true that the more classic book interpretations of this card are positive: wishes fulfilled, feelings of emotional satisfaction, and sometimes sensual pleasure. Remember, I am interpreting the cards in light of their Sephirotic correspondences and seeing the shadow side as well as the light, since the goal here is to examine our conscious and unconscious blocks to experiencing more Divine energy and flow in our lives. There are other ways to see these cards, of course, based on your experience. And there are other decks that illustrate these concepts differently. There are decks with no imagery for the Minor Arcana at all, which was the tradition before the advent of the Waite-Smith deck.*44 I bring this up again at this point because I know that what I am writing about right now can be very triggering for some people; there are some people who go to spiritual communities and books as a way of escaping trauma by using the defense of spiritual bypassing. And it’s understandable. If you have any abuse issues in your past or if there are such living issues in your life or the lives of people you love, this is challenging and heartbreaking work.
Someone I care for dearly just this weekend revealed to me that he has been struggling with a difficult substance addiction. It should not have surprised me; I have known for years of his struggles with Intimacy as a result of sexual abuse at a young age. I don’t need a government-funded study to tell me there’s a relationship between Intimacy trauma and addiction, but if this is something outside of your experience, please know that in one recent study of people who are struggling with substance abuse issues, 81 percent of the women and 69 percent of the men in the study reported past physical or sexual abuse or both, starting at a median age of 13 and 11, respectively.19 As a society, we treat addicts as criminals, when most of the time they are victims who are suffering and using substances to self-medicate.
As I write these words, the #MeToo movement continues to struggle to be taken with the seriousness required for our society to heal. But today I’m only concerned about my friend. Like the man in the Nine of Cups, he appears very welcoming. He does in fact have a big heart, but his drug use means that he has lied to everyone he loves over the last few years. And the Connection between his heart and his sexuality is broken; he is not only a drug addict, but he also is sexually compulsive, reenacting his abuse in ways that only hurt his heart and reinforce his addiction. He was able to hide this from a group of deeply caring and psychologically astute friends. Just as in the Nine of Cups, there was a lot going on under the tablecloth in the card that we can’t see. And some of what was under the table for me is that I might have been avoiding the truth about this problem in order to keep the status quo and the limits on the depth of our Intimacy. His addiction enabled me to enjoy just as much Intimacy as I could stand, some of which was really just an illusion of Intimacy.
The universe is an interesting place: just as I came to this, the fortyfirst day, the day on which these issues are the focus, that’s when the truth about this Relationship came out. When you work this path, you have to be prepared for what the Divine sends your way. As I hold the brokenness of my own heart, I have to be willing to inquire into my own responsibility for enabling and what that means for my own Intimacy issues. I am not interested in blaming this person; I only wish for his recovery. While my job is examining how and why I colluded in this situation.
This is the work I am doing this year. And if it resonates for you, I am both sorry and hopeful that what you learn about these issues here will help you become a stronger container for great Intimacy with others and with the Divine.
The Nine of Swords—grief over guilt or grief over betrayal—is waking up to the nightmare of what one’s life has become, whether it’s the middle of the night or the middle of the day. This wake-up call may ultimately be what’s needed: it’s hitting bottom and knowing it. Because when you hit bottom, you’re at the Foundation. You’re ready to stand, see things clearly, and gather your strength to begin the climb back up. If the swords represent a ladder of insight, it means there are a lot of painfully sharp insights ahead as you grab each rung of the ladder. I’ve lived these nights of swords, grabbing hold of the rungs of both guilt and betrayal as I turned a sharp eye on my actions and then owning how they caused me and others harm.
Those swords can also represent unowned sins—not a word I use much. The word for “sin” in Hebrew is chet (not like the name Chet Atkins, it’s like the ch in chutzpah), and it is a term that comes from archery that means “an arrow that has gone astray or fallen short of the target.” And it’s not merely that one may have fallen short and done the wrong thing; it’s also often that one has missed an opportunity to do a good thing. But if these sins are unowned, something that’s been stuffed down and out of one’s conscious mind, they will come back to haunt you at night when we feel most alone, sometimes even if there is someone in the bed next to you.
Just as Yesod is about Bonding, Connection, and Intimacy, its shadow side is about breaking bonds, disconnection, alienation, loneliness, and isolation. We can see this isolation in the Nine of Swords, and one way out is to reach out, no matter how hard it seems. One of the tenets of the twelve-step program is that the telephone is a lifeline that can help break isolation. There aren’t meetings twenty-four hours a day. But there is always someone who will answer the phone and listen. There is always someone who has been there and is willing to share their experience, strength, and hope—someone who is willing to listen without judgment. I know that when I’ve been in this dark place, making a call has helped get me through the crisis. And when there hasn’t been another person to speak with, I pour all my feelings out in prayer.
Because the Nine of Swords is a card of Relationship and Intimacy, the isolation portrayed is also a reason for grief. This image may speak to a profound loneliness. It could be the image of someone who has been shunned or rejected by her community, whatever the reason. Relationship has been cut off, not with just one person, since the nine swords, just like the nine staves, can also suggest a community of people.
Just as in the Eight of Swords, where the blades can represent preconceptions and prejudices, here these nine swords can well be the figure’s self-defeating thoughts and stories, so that rather than being rejected by others, the figure in the card is living an introjected story that there’s something wrong with them. Being alone has become an emotional habit of protection that may save one from fears of rejection but also prevents one from making deep Connections. This is a place where even the possibility of reaching out of the darkness feels impossible.
Many cards have figures of indeterminate gender, so it’s easy for people to project whom they want onto the cards. But with the Nine of Swords, both men and women most often say the figure in the card is female. Perhaps because it’s one of the few cards that directly show an intense emotion, which men don’t feel is socially appropriate for a man to express. I bring this up now because recently, when I read for a female friend and the Nine of Swords came up, she immediately resonated with it because for all the richness of her life, there is one place where she feels empty. She is one of several women friends who are in their fifties and have never been married. Each of these women is beautiful in her own way, and each offers a great deal to a partner. But each, for some reason, is alone and struggles with deep loneliness. Each has a life rich with friendship. But an Intimate relationship with a man hasn’t happened. And as they get older, the men who are “age appropriate” (a phrase I don’t like, but that’s another story) are only interested in younger women. These men are missing a chance for a mature relationship with someone who has realistic expectations because she has been through life. (Those who kn
ow me will laugh at my writing this since, generally, the men I date are younger, and I should take my own advice.) This is not only about a partner but also about the lost opportunity for children. Some of these women work with children as a way to participate in Generativity, so that while these children are not their own, they contribute to the chain of transmission across the generations. Still, there is some grief that cannot be assuaged.
Then there is the great grief of loss—the death of a loved one. Many cultures make sure that those who are grieving such a loss are not alone. And many religions have stories of the afterlife to help the mourner get through. While Judaism has lots of beliefs about an afterlife, from reincarnation to resurrection, none are dogma. And the prayer we recite, the Mourner’s Kaddish, is not about the deceased at all. It is in praise of the mystery, a recognition that while we have hope and faith, we just don’t know.
Except, of course, some of us believe we do, because of medium-ship experiences or perhaps other contacts with those who have passed. After the death of the man who was my partner for ten years, I was sick with grief. A friend of mine who is a bodyworker came over to try to ease my pain with some of the therapies she employs. Now, this man I loved was also a bodyworker. And while she worked on me, something happened: we both felt his presence in the room. Not merely that, she felt his hands guiding hers, and I felt as though he were there working on me. She reached deep into a part of me where some parts of him still lived and released them. When I got up from the table, I felt a peacefulness I had not felt since the moment I learned he was dead. But before that experience, the Nine of Swords captured my emotional state exactly because there is no cut more final than death; even knowing that there is something of him alive in the universe somewhere, it doesn’t change the fact that I will never share moments with him again. This is the kind of grief that only heals with time and is never fully gone. But because we all endure such loss, this grief is one way we can Connect with others. If loneliness and/or loss has thrown you into an isolation as dark as the Nine of Swords, reach out to others. Now. Do not be ashamed of your feelings, whatever their origin. We are all filled with a yearning heart that others can help fill and that can be healed with the light of the Divine that shines from the hearts of others.
