“I’m ready to go. Are you?” Archer asked. They hadn’t even been there a half hour yet, but already the crowd was getting obnoxious, and Archer could see police being called in the imminent future.
“I think I’m heading home soon, too. This party’s lame,” Austin said, appearing next to them.
“See ya, man.” Archer smacked him on the back. Ivy hugged him. Behind her back, Archer mouthed “thanks”. Austin just nodded.
The ride home was quiet. The radio played low in the background and the whir of his big tires almost drowned out the music. He had blown it. She hated him now. How do you lose someone before you even have… Ivy leaned her head against his shoulder, her hair soft against his cheek. She smelled like lilacs, just a hint. Archer’s heart started pounding like he’d just faced down a lion and survived. He grinned into the darkness.
As he walked her to her door, she slid her small fingers into his, and he ran his thumb across the back of her hand. The night was cool. At the door she turned, smiling up at him. “Thank you Archer. It was… fun.”
He couldn’t see clearly, but he could swear she was smirking. Yeah, you blew your chance. Way to go. So he hugged her, wrapping his arms around her waist, like he’d done a hundred other times before. They were a huggy group.
He was surprised when she rose on her toes and slid her arms around his neck, holding tight like he was a lifeline. He pulled back, just a bit, hoping but afraid to hope as he searched her eyes. They sparkled, just a bit, and then she leaned forward, closing the gap between them and brushing her lips against his.
Time stopped. The world stopped and he froze in shock. It took him several seconds to realize what was happening, and then he kissed her back, holding her tight against him. He could feel her heart racing, matching his. When she relinquished his lips, he sucked in a breath, struggling to breathe. “I’ve wanted to do that since high school,” he muttered, almost without realizing it.
Her laugh seemed to sparkle in the darkness. “What took you so long?”
The headlights coming around the corner took them both by surprise, and she leaped away from him, squinting into the brightness. In the sudden glow, her face was a clear mask of terror, and Archer instinctively moved between her and the car.
“Hey, Ivy,” the voice was unfamiliar, but he felt, more than saw, Ivy relax behind him.
“George,” she breathed, before moving out from behind Archer and toward the car. “You scared me!” she said with an uneasy laugh.
“Sorry. I was going to text you and let you know we were bringing her home early, but my phone died, and I don’t have your number memorized.”
Archer stayed where he was, his lips still tingling and the cold seeming to sting everywhere that she had been and now wasn’t. Ivy reached into the back of the little white car and unbuckled Desee. Since George didn’t seem to be inclined to help her, Archer moved from where he stood in the shadows and took the sleeping Desee from her arms, while Ivy pulled the big car seat out.
George stared at Archer in shock and then looked with wide eyes to Ivy. She pretended not to notice, but Archer saw her hide a wicked grin as she turned away. “Thanks George. Have a good night!”
Archer wasn’t small. He was an electrician, carrying big, heavy things on a daily basis. He nodded in a semblance of politeness and watched them leave. When he went into the house, Ivy was just coming down the stairs without Desee and laughing. “That was awesome. You and your great big shoulders stepping out of the shadows like a mythical war hero. I loved it.”
He had never felt so good about himself in his life. “Happy to help,” he said, and before he could think twice and talk himself out of it, he pulled her against him again, lowering his head as her eyes closed and she rose on her toes against him. He kissed her gently, but it surprised him how much he wanted her, and it took all his self-control not to push her further than just a kiss.
He couldn’t scare her. He couldn’t lose her. It took everything he had to pull away from her, and he felt like his soul was tearing in two. He stroked the back of his knuckles across her cheekbone as he studied her face, looking for fear or regret. There was the hint of a smile and a shy glint in her big brown eyes. “I better go. You have school in the morning.”
She closed her eyes, nodding. “That I do.”
Chapter Twelve
Ivy watched the big truck’s headlights disappear down the road, out of sight from the window. Serious? What’s up with me? She felt like dancing. Or singing. Or both, maybe, at the same time. Instead, she went to bed, but expecting to sleep was a joke and she knew it. Instead she lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, replaying the night over and over in her mind, memorizing each tiny detail. It was almost time to get up when she finally dozed off to sleep.
She woke up, however, to a different point of view. In fact, it felt a lot like someone had just dumped ice water down her back. “Oh Desee. What did I do?” She moaned as Desee crawled up on her bed. “Haven’t I learned anything?” She pulled her pillow over her face, trying to smother some sense into herself.
Desee giggled and pulled it away. “Boo!” she shrieked and then smashed Ivy in the face with it again.
“Haha, twerp. Funny,” Ivy muttered around a mouthful of pillowcase.
She went through the motions of getting them both ready, but her mind was spinning in all sorts of different directions at once. She liked Archer. A lot. Too much. She had from the beginning, clear back to third grade — he’d been her first crush ever. But they’d always just been friends. In high school, she’d hoped so much that he would ask her out. Instead his creepy friend did, and tried to grope his way through prom.
Worst dance ever.
As she tugged Desee’s shirt over her head while digging through the closet, trying to find at least one pair of matching shoes, she muttered angrily at herself repeatedly.
It didn’t matter how much she had liked him, or how long. She knew well where men got you, and she was never going to let someone hurt her like that again.
The ironic thing? She’d never been in love with Vick. She’d been a stupid teenager when they’d gotten married, head over heels with the idea of a big wedding and a happily ever after. And she’d paid for it. But worse, Desee had paid for it.
By the time she’d dropped Desee off at her sister’s, her brain hurt and she was exhausted. She knew what she had to do, but it took the entire drive up to school to talk herself into it. Finally, sitting in the parking lot, she pulled her phone out. With each word she texted, her heart hurt more, like she was chipping away at it with an ice pick. I’m sorry Archer. Last night was a mistake. I can’t do this anymore.
She bit her lip hard to keep from crying, tasted blood, and cried anyway, leaning her head on her steering wheel. She didn’t expect him to write back so fast — he was supposed to be working, but the phone beeped almost immediately. What? Why? Please don’t say that.
She stared at her phone for a long time, long enough that her first class started and she still sat in her car. Why, indeed? Because she was married to a monster who would never let her go. Because she should have learned her lesson the first time and it was absolutely idiotic of her to even think of getting involved with someone again. Especially so soon. Maybe in four or five years it wouldn’t seem so ridiculous. But now? Two weeks before her divorce was supposed to be final and less than two years from her second-to-last restraining order? Too soon. No matter what her heart said. This time, heart, you’re overruled. Brain is in charge now.
Because I can’t. It was a mistake. Please understand. She scrubbed the mascara off her face and sucked in cool air, trying to stop the sobbing hiccups that wouldn’t leave her alone.
Please, Ivy. Please don’t do this. I like you. A lot. Please give me another chance.
She turned her phone off.
By the time she made it to Greek History, she thought she was going to collapse. She was exhausted, and trying not to cry through all her classes had taken its toll. Drew
, waiting for her at the doorway, took her by surprise. She’d forgotten all about him.
“Drew. Hey.” She tried to sound friendly and not zombie-ish.
“Hey, Ivy. I was wondering if you were going to make it today.” He grinned and followed her into class, sitting at the empty desk next to her.
“So I tried texting you over the weekend. Did you not get it?” he asked, his voice low as he leaned toward her.
Right. I forgot he sent me a text… three times. “I… no. My provider must be having issues. I didn’t get any texts all weekend,” she lied.
“Well. We’ve got this project coming up. Would you like to work on it together tonight?” he asked.
Oh crap. “I’m… going out of town for Thanksgiving and I’m… leaving… tonight. I’m leaving right after school.” She had meant it as a lie, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth she realized it was the best idea she’d had in months.
“You are? What about school?.” Drew sat back with a frown.
“I know. I hate to miss class. But my family is all in Arizona, and I’m driving by myself so it takes me awhile.” Also true. She had to stop every couple of hours, especially if Desee was awake.
“But our project is due on Monday.” Drew’s frown deepened with each question.
“I’m taking it with me.” Which she had planned to do anyway, so again, she wasn’t lying. You’re getting pretty good at this stepping-around-the-lie thing, Ivy. She wasn’t sure that was good.
The teacher, thankfully, took that time to shush them all and start her lecture. Ivy was too tired and too devastated to pay attention.
That was the problem with devastation. Being miserable was kind of like being in physical pain. If you were in constant pain, it became bearable just because there was no other way to survive. But take the pain away for a day and then give it back, and it was nearly overwhelming. For two days, Archer had taken away the pain. And then she’d had to take it back, and it hurt worse than ever.
After class, she gathered up her things slowly, hoping Drew would leave without her. He didn’t. Instead he waited by her seat until she stood up and then followed her out.
“Well, how about we go out to celebrate Monday, then?” he said as they started down the three flights of stairs.
“Celebrate?” Ivy asked dully.
“Yes. Celebrate turning this horrid project in.” He beamed at her, and she felt she should reward him for his cleverness, but she just couldn’t.
“Oh.” Ivy stopped, in the middle of the stairs, unmindful of all the students swarming around her. She couldn’t do this. Not today. “Look Drew, I had a great time Friday, and you are a such a nice guy. Your accent is hot.”
He smiled weakly, knowing what was coming. “Thank you.”
“But I can’t date right now. I’m just not ready — I’m a huge emotional wreck and you don’t deserve that.”
“I… understand. Thank you for being honest with me. Have a nice weekend.” He turned to go, hurt, embarrassed, and Ivy ached for him. Well, I’m just ruining everyone’s day today, aren’t I?
She picked Desee up from her sister’s, making as little small talk as possible. Then she rushed home to pack before she lost her nerve. She had no problem driving at night — it was when she had to stop at night that scared her. It was ten-thirty by the time she got home, and by eleven-thirty she had the car packed and was feeding Desee lunch. She emailed all her professors to let them know of her absence, and by twelve she had Desee and Sadi both comfortable in the car.
“You two are going to hate me again after this,” she muttered, since neither of them had entirely forgiven her yet for the drive from Alaska. The drive to Arizona took twelve hours, if driven straight through, and she expected to take two days with lots of stopping. They weren’t trying to outrun anyone this time.
The thing she hadn’t been prepared for, though, was that driving gave her a lot of time to think, and Desee and Sadi both seemed content to sleep for the first four hours of the drive. She’d almost made it to St. George by the time they woke up and she had to stop. Needless to say, she’d spent a lot of that time crying like a baby and cursing herself for it.
The weather was beautiful in St. George. She bought kids’ meals for her and Desee both and found an empty park. She let Sadi run while she and Desee ate, and then they played for a half-hour, and for that half-hour Ivy was okay. Desee made her laugh. Sadi made her run. She felt good.
It was when she got back into her car and realized that her phone was still off that she had problems. She turned it on, grimacing, but there was only one message.
Please, Ivy. Please don’t do this. Her heart broke. But Desee was awake and Ivy couldn’t fall apart in front of her, so she faked a smile and sang inappropriate nursery rhymes as loud as she could until her voice gave out.
Desee went back to sleep at seven, and Ivy had no desire to sleep again, ever, so she kept going. They stopped for breakfast in Flagstaff, and two hours later made it to her sister’s house.
“Ivy?” Her mom answered the door, and realizing it was her youngest daughter, threw it open. “What are you doing? I didn’t know you were even on your way yet!”
Ivy forced a smile. “We got an early start, but I’m not sure Sadi or Desee will ever go near the car again.”
There’s a funny thing about being with family. Somehow, family has a healing power that nothing else does. No medicine, no alcohol, no drugs. Her family was slightly dysfunctional — they always had been, but when she needed them, they were there. Always. Even when they hadn’t known she needed them, somehow they’d managed to get her through.
That was how she survived that day, and the next and the next and the next. It was Saturday morning when Ivy started thinking about going home. She sat with Kate at the park, watching Desee toddle around after her bigger cousins. Sadi lay in the shade by her feet on a leash, because Scottsdale had strict leash laws.
“So what’s up, kiddo?” Kate asked out of the blue.
“What’s up?” Ivy frowned, confused as she looked from Kate to the kids and back again.
Kate was her older sister. Her sisters were beautiful, and Ivy felt privileged to be a mix of them both. She did resent that Kate seemed to have kept all the tall genes to herself. Ivy and Kim were both short. Kate was tall and slender, and no matter how hard Ivy had wished, she hadn’t grown even an inch since eighth grade.
“You’ve been quieter than normal all week.”
“Oh. That.” Ivy dropped her chin to her chest. “There’s this guy.”
Kate perked up, interested, and Ivy shook her head, rolling her eyes. “We’re friends. But I like him. A lot.” Stealing a peek at Kate, she said, “Like, not as friends.”
“So what’s the problem?” Kate asked. Kate was always good at getting right to the point.
“Well, for one, I’m not divorced.”
“But… you’ve been trying to get that divorce for over a year. I think that shouldn’t be an issue.” It was true; Ivy had filed for divorce over a year ago.
“For another, Kate! I can’t do that again. I can’t…” Frustrated, unable to find the right words, she just shook her head. “It’s too soon.”
“You aren’t ready,” Kate stated, but there was an underlying question.
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be ready! That’s the problem! Why am I ready?” Ivy exploded, throwing her hands up in the air.
“Ivy, you left Vick right after Desee was born. We knew that something wasn’t right. And when you went with him to Alaska? We knew something wasn’t right then, too.”
Ivy clamped her lips together. She wasn’t going to tell her sister that Vick had told her if she didn’t come with him, he’d shoot her parents while they slept. He hadn’t left her with much of a choice. “You filed for divorce before you left Alaska. It isn’t your fault he’s doing everything he can to slow the process. Ivy, look at me.”
Ivy raised her head, forcing herself to meet her sist
er’s eyes — the exact same eyes Ivy had. They both had dark, dark brown eyes, although Ivy doubted hers would ever be as wise as Kate’s.
“Everyone deserves to be happy. If this guy makes you happy, then go after it.”
“You think?” Ivy didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the sloppy tears drip onto her collar. She took a deep breath, staring up at the azure Arizona sky, letting the sun warm her face and dry her tears. “Are you sure I shouldn’t just stay here forever?”
Kate laughed. “If you want to, you know you’re more than welcome. But I don’t think you want that.”
Ivy smiled, still searching the sky.
They left a few hours later, so that Ivy would have plenty of time to get home before class started Monday. Her parents were staying for a few more days, so Ivy and Desee and Sadi set off on their own.
She felt so much better leaving than she had when she’d arrived, and when she sang the ridiculous nursery rhymes, she didn’t have to force a smile, although she did vow to buy a new children’s CD. Archer was right. These songs were horrible.
They had clear roads until about five hours from home. Ivy didn’t even see the snowstorm coming until she was caught right in the middle of it. “Holy Hannah,” she murmured as she turned her windshield wipers on full blast.
Between the snow coming down like crisp white sheets, and the wind blowing what snow was already on the ground in every direction, visibility was almost nothing. Before the storm hit, it had been dusk, but now it was almost dark, and Ivy was scared. Desee, awake when they’d hit the storm, could tell something was wrong and whimpered in the back. Ivy tried to soothe her as she started praying as hard as she could pray.
Ivy was exhausted by the time they made it to the little city of Beaver, the first town where she could stop. She’d slid off the road twice while exiting the freeway, but not far enough that she’d gotten stuck. One three-sixty spin and two completely missed stop signs, and they made it to the first motel. It was full. They tried several more motels, almost wrecking her car every time she had to go back out on the roads. When she finally found one that had a vacancy she almost cried with relief. Well, she did cry. Just a little. It had taken her nearly two hours to go twenty miles.
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