He snorted a laugh as his cheeks reddened.
“You believe me, right?”
“Yes,” he said with no doubt in his eyes.
“Good.” He needed to know how much I desired him.
The food menu was set up for couples to share, so we ordered mini black angus beef sliders as our entree and truffle fries. Over dinner, Remi talked about his students and the spring concert that would take place in mid-April. Foster had told me he was nervous about it, and I’d sat and listened to his solo from that damn Disney movie probably a million times—that’s what it’d felt like anyway.
“Are you going to attend the concert?” Remi asked.
“Of course.” Not only to support Foster… but to support Remi too. I grabbed my cocktail—my third for the evening—and finished it off before scooting back from the table. “Ready to dance?”
Remi groaned. “I thought you’d forget.”
“Come on, you big chicken.” I stood and offered him a hand. He accepted it and rose to his feet, a nervous smile on his face as we made our way to the area near the stage and joined other dancing couples. I placed a hand at his lower back and pulled him close to me, still holding his hand with the other. “See? This isn’t so bad.”
He linked our fingers and pressed his face to my shoulder as we rocked side to side to the slow jazz. I rested my cheek on the side of his head. The warmth in my chest spread, and I felt so damn happy.
I never knew how incredible it could be to let someone close to me.
The next song was faster in tempo, and Remi laughed as I swung him outward and tugged him back to my chest. We both were pretty awful if I was being honest, but we were smiling and having fun. Definitely a night I’d always remember.
“I’m goin’ to get another drink,” I said in his ear after a few more songs. Both of us were a bit out of breath. “You want anything?”
“Water, please.”
“You got it.” I kissed his cheek before pulling out of his embrace and striding toward the bar. I looked behind me and saw him start talking to a group of older men. He laughed at something one of them said.
“Jay?”
That voice.
Shifting my focus forward, the breath rushed from my lungs and I felt so heavy. While gray streaked some of his blond hair now and there were a few added wrinkles… he looked the same as he had the day he told me it was over and left me heartbroken in a hotel room.
“Andrew,” I said, barely able to get the word out.
“You look…” He stepped forward, his blue eyes trailing over my body. “Different. More grown-up.”
“Well, it’s been fourteen years. I’m not a kid anymore.”
“No, you’re not.” Andrew cocked a smile and swept a hand through his hair. The action drew my attention to his fingers and the ring that was no longer on one of them. A ring I had loathed with every fiber of my being for three long years. “But you’re still just as beautiful.”
“My beautiful boy. All mine.”
I didn’t even recognize the sound that came from me, a mix between a whine and a sigh.
“I… I need to…” I looked around as panic started to rise and wrap its claws around my throat. My vision began to darken around the edges. “I need to go. Excuse me.”
He snatched my arm before I got even a step away. “Don’t go just yet. It’s been so long. We should catch up. Look at me when I’m speaking to you.” My eyes instantly went to his. He smiled. “Good boy.”
Fourteen years later and I was still an obedient mutt. How did this man still have such a hold on me?
Tears burned the backs of my eyes. My breaths shook just like my trembling body. This isn’t who I am anymore.
“Let go of me.” I yanked my arm from his grip as a hot tear fell down my cheek. “I don’t know why you’re here, and I don’t care. But I refuse to let you do this. I’m happy now. Happy despite everything you put me through.”
“I’m glad you found happiness. Truly,” Andrew said as his brow creased. “Hurting you was never my intention, Jay. We were both burning back then, remember? It just took longer for my flames to soothe. I left Holly. We’ve been divorced for nearly seven years. I was tired of lying to her and to myself.”
I stepped back when he moved closer, and he put his hands up as if to say he was harmless. He’d never physically hurt me—with the exception of the night he’d fucked me roughly and left me right after, leaving me feeling used and dirty—but he was manipulative and controlling. Three years of my life had been wasted with him. Years where I was treated like a dirty secret.
“That’s great you’re finally living your truth,” I said, surprised by the steadiness of my voice. “If you’ll excuse me, I should really get back to my date.”
“Your date.” Andrew’s face appeared to fall a little. “Of course. You wouldn’t be here alone.”
“Just as I’m sure you aren’t alone either.”
Andrew glanced to the left at a young dark-haired man who stood holding a glass of champagne. Two women stood beside him, and he smiled nervously as they flirted with him. He seemed shy and probably introverted. The perfect submissive boy, I’m sure.
“He’s sweet but a little young for me,” Andrew said, moving his gaze back to mine.
“I thought you liked them that way. They’re easier to train.”
He pressed his lips into a thin line. “You’re not the only one who’s changed, Jay. I treated you horribly. If I could go back, I’d do everything differently. Fear makes us do despicable things, and I’m sorry you were caught in the middle of mine. You deserved more than I could ever provide you.”
Even though I was angry at him, the apology lifted some of the weight off my chest. For so many years, I had let this man control me, even when he was no longer in my life. And with the apology, I felt like I had the closure I’d greatly needed. Some of it anyway.
The rest would come when I talked to Remi.
“I have to go.”
Andrew’s hand clamped back down on my arm. “I said no. I see the years without me have made you forget your manners.”
“My manners?” I hissed through clenched teeth. “You mean obedience.”
There was a spark in his eyes. He released my arm and touched my jaw. “You were my perfect, obedient boy, Jay. Beautiful and always so willing to please me.” He stepped closer, and even after so long, I recognized the scent of whiskey and cinnamon. I used to hold his pillow close to my chest when he left me in the hotel room, inhaling that same scent. “I miss you so much, sweet boy.”
A whine tore through my throat.
“Andrew?” The dark-haired man approached. “Who is that?”
“No one,” Andrew answered, his eyes pinned to my face.
No one.
Goddamn him. How did he still have the power to hurt me?
“Go wait at our table,” Andrew told the man without looking at him. “Do as you’re told.”
The man nodded and walked away. Obedient to a fault.
“It was lovely seeing you again, Jay.” Andrew glided his finger along my jaw and to my lips. “You might be with someone else now… but you’ll always belong to me.”
“No,” I croaked.
Andrew left me then, and I stared at his retreating form, feeling panic bubble in my chest. I felt lost. Broken. So damn broken.
Chapter 20
Remi
Jay was gone for a while.
“Pardon me, gentlemen,” I said to the men in front of me. We’d been talking for thirty minutes about jazz, life, and how much things had changed in the world since they’d been young men. “I should go check on my…” On my what? What was Jay to me? “On my friend.”
He was so much more to me, but we hadn’t specified what we were.
“Is that what you call him?” a man named Vern said. “Your friend is quite the looker. Back in my day, he’d be one I would’ve liked to knock boots with.”
“Ah, shut your trap, Vern, you old per
v,” Tom said. “No one wants to imagine your old wrinkly behind knocking boots with anyone. You’ll give the kid nightmares.”
I laughed and excused myself, hearing them continue to bicker from behind me. Jay had left to get us drinks, and unless the bar was super busy that night, he shouldn’t have been gone so long. My thoughts automatically wanted to jump to the negative—like him finding some guy to flirt with—but I knew he hadn’t.
I trusted him.
I searched the crowd for a head of familiar blond hair. It was hard to miss Jay in a group. He stood out like a sore thumb. Especially that night. His black suit fit him like a glove, and I couldn’t wait to strip it off him later when we returned to the room.
I found him at the bar, sitting on a stool and throwing back a glass of something dark. Probably bourbon, his favorite. His hair was a bit disheveled, as if he’d run his fingers through it.
Or someone else had.
No. Don’t go there. He wouldn’t do that to me.
“Hey, you.” I slid onto the empty barstool beside him. His eyes had a strange, panicked look to them. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Jay lifted the glass back to his lips with a shaking hand. He finished it off and set it back on the bar with a light thump. His hand shot up to ruffle his hair.
“Liar.” I grabbed his hand, and my concern only grew when it continued to shake. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
He’d been fine before he’d gone to get us drinks. The night had been damn near close to perfect up until this point. Was that the problem? Had he started withdrawing from me again out of fear of commitment?
“I’ll have another,” Jay said to the bartender, motioning to his glass.
“How many have you had?” I asked.
“Not enough.”
“Goddammit, look at me.”
His gaze snapped to mine, and I could’ve sworn his pupils dilated a bit. “Yes, sir.”
Sir?
An ache burrowed into the center of my chest.
He was acting like he had the night I’d first tried to give him a blowjob. He’d trembled and had a wild look in his eyes. The emerald eyes I adored had lost their light, as if that light had been shoved down and subdued.
Jay lowered his gaze and stayed that way, hands on his lap. He seemed overly compliant, like he was waiting on his next command.
I made eye contact with the bartender and shook my head. “He’s had enough. I’ll pay his tab.” I pulled my debit card from my wallet and handed it over. Meanwhile, Jay remained still. Eerily so.
Oh, my beautiful Jay. What happened to you?
When I touched his shoulder, he jolted and glanced up. The panicked expression returned, and it felt like I’d been punched in the gut. My eyes watered as I stood from the barstool and guided him off his. He stumbled into me, smelling of liquor. He must’ve downed the drinks quickly for him to already be so tipsy. He’d had three cocktails prior to that, so I guess it had all hit him at once.
“Is he okay?” a man asked. He had short blond hair with streaks of gray, blue eyes, and a young man with dark, curly hair hung off his arm.
“Yes,” I answered, even though I didn’t know for sure.
Jay focused on the man. A low whine escaped his slightly parted lips. “I’m not your boy anymore,” he slurred as tears filled his green eyes. “I’m a better man now. I don’t belong to you!”
What was he talking about?
“Excuse us,” I said to the man before guiding Jay toward the exit.
“I’m a better man now,” Jay repeated as a tear slipped from the corner of his eye.
“Yes, you are.” I didn’t know where his mind was at, but it had to be somewhere dark.
He put more of his weight on me, and due to our height difference and the fact he had at least thirty pounds on me, I struggled a bit on the way through the lobby and toward the elevator. Once we made it to the room, I rifled through his pocket for the key card and let us in. I sat him on the couch, and he leaned back, scrubbing his hands over his face.
“I need another drink.”
“No, you’ve had plenty by the look of it.”
Jay mumbled something in Russian before slumping forward and hooking his arms behind his neck. Shakes racked his body. He was crying. And god, it fucking crushed my heart. I dropped beside him on the couch and slowly put an arm around his shoulders. I didn’t want to startle him.
“Remember all the fucked-up shit I told you about that waited beneath the illusion?” Jay said through quiet cries. “This is it. I’m a mess, Remi. A goddamn mess.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I’m a hypocrite,” Jay said, shaking his head, causing more tears to fall. “When Emery was struggling with his drinking, I told him the thing that made him drink would still be there when he sobered up. And here I am gettin’ shitfaced because I can’t stand to be in my right mind right now. Not after seein’ him. God, Remi.” He choked out a sob and gripped the strands of his hair. “He really fucked me up.”
“Who did?”
“Andrew,” he said, wiping at his eyes and then letting out a frustrated growl. “You met him at the bar.”
I did?
Then I recalled the handsome man who’d asked about Jay. What Jay said to him made sense now. He hadn’t been spewing random drunken words at a complete stranger like I’d assumed. He’d known him.
“He broke my heart,” Jay said. “He’s the reason I’m so weird about relationships. He strung me along for three years, keeping our relationship hidden. I wasn’t out at the time, so at first, I was okay with it. But almost two years in, I told him I was ready to tell my parents I was gay. I wanted to tell them about him and introduce them. He totally freaked. Got mad at me. A year later, he dropped me like I was nothing.”
Jay had talked so fast that it took me a moment to process what he’d said.
“How did you meet him?” The man—Andrew—looked to be in his late forties or fifties.
“Remember when I said I was a CJ major and took an Intro to Law class?” Jay sat against the back of the couch. His eyes were a little pink. “Andrew was the professor. He made me fall in love with the idea of being a lawyer just like he made me fall in love with him. But it wasn’t love. Not really. He was married and deep in the closet.” Jay released a dry laugh. “I know. I screwed around with a married man and felt no guilt about it. Because I thought he’d leave her for me. I thought he loved me. I was stupid.”
“You weren’t stupid,” I said, folding my hands together to keep from reaching for him. He didn’t need me to touch him right then. He just needed me to listen. “He took advantage of you. You were young and impressionable. He used his position to have power over you.”
“Don’t make it sound like I was some kind of victim.”
“Whether you admit it or not, that’s exactly what you were.”
More tears sprung to his eyes but he blinked them back before they could fall. “I never expected to see him here. After he broke it off with me, I was already out of his class and about to graduate, so we didn’t see each other again. Then I went to law school. Haven’t seen him since. Tonight was a shock. It’s been fourteen years, but suddenly I feel like a twenty-year-old kid again.”
“Did he ever make you call him sir?” The look in Jay’s eyes as he called me that at the bar would haunt me for a while.
Jay stilled, dropping his gaze to his hands. “Yes,” he whispered. “Andrew had to have control in every aspect of his life. That control included me too. He drilled into my head that he owned me, that no one else was allowed to have me. If he thought I was seeing anyone else, he’d fuck me hard. Rough. As if reminding me I belonged to him.”
“And that whole time he was still with his wife,” I said, feeling sick to my stomach. I’d had suspicions Jay had been hurt before, but the reality of it was much worse.
He nodded. “People sometimes use fire and ice to describe relationships that didn’t work, but Andrew and I were like
fire and lighter fluid. One burned and the other made the fire burn higher. Hotter. We were horrible for each other.”
“How did things end?”
Jay heaved a sigh. “Andrew told me to meet him at a hotel because he had something important to discuss. I thought he finally left his wife, and I’d rushed over to meet him. He fucked me when I got there. Then right after, he got up and started putting on his clothes. With his back to me, he said, ‘This is the last time we’ll see each other.’ I argued with him, of course, terrified at the thought of losing him.”
Jay paused and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. Fresh tears shone in the green depths. “He said he loved Holly and refused to betray her anymore. I said I loved him, and he laughed. ‘You don’t love me,’ he said. ‘And I don’t love you either.’ But before then, he’d told me so many times that he did love me. After that day, I swore off love. I never wanted to be hurt like that again.”
I understood so much about him now—why he’d been such a playboy, why he’d been uncomfortable with me taking control in bed. His walls had fully come down. By the uneasy expression on his face, I suspected he was scared I’d think badly of him now that I knew the truth.
The past four days had shown me different sides to Jay Foley. And I loved them all. But I was hesitant to say the words to him. Andrew had said them to him too, and in the end, they hadn’t meant a thing. I didn’t want Jay to think I was the same.
“Where are you going?” Jay asked as I stood from the couch. Panic was back in his eyes.
I caressed his cheek. “Let’s go to bed.”
Relief replaced the panic, and he blew out a breath. He wobbled a bit as I helped him off the couch and took him through the sliding door to the bedroom. He fell on the bed, and I undid the button on his suit jacket before sliding it off and putting it on the ottoman beside the window.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said with a lopsided grin, running his hand down my chest.
“And you’re drunk.”
Jay scoffed and flopped backward, throwing his arms over his face.
His Surrender Page 22
