by Shey Stahl
I tell myself I will listen, calmly, carefully, and consider why she did it. I tell myself I’m not going to be an asshole and get angry.
Knowing me, I probably won’t listen to myself.
There’s a strong possibility the moment she starts talking, I won’t hear anything she’s going to say. It’s also completely possible that by her telling the truth, I might just say fuck it and walk away.
But, for Callan, for Noah, for this baby she says is mine, I’m going to sit right here and attempt to listen. I’ll do that because deep down, I know this is our last chance—our final opportunity to salvage some good from the train wreck that’s been our relationship these last two months.
“I’m sorry,” is what she says first.
“You should be sorry, Mad,” is what I tell her, because fucking right she should be. So much for listening to her. “None of this is okay. I worked my ass off to make you see I cared before you threw our family away and it was all a joke?” She flinches at my harsh words. “Do you honestly realize what I went through these last two months, or last three weeks? Do you realize what we put the boys through?” And I know I’ve said this all before and I’m starting to sound like her and her apologies, but I can’t understand what the hell her thought process would have been here.
“You’re right!” she shouts back at me, her voice louder than I’ve ever heard before. Standing, she throws her hands up. “I’m so fucking sorry, Ridley. I never meant for it to go this far. I don’t know what I can say except that I was tired of living the way we were, but in these last two months, I finally saw the man I married. The one willing to do anything to save his family and remind me I was in love with him.”
At least she’s got that right, huh? But she forgot to mention the time she ripped my ball skin off. I really wished she’d at least acknowledge that part.
I stand up, intending to give her a piece of my mind too.
“So you telling me you didn’t love me and the way you kept saying you weren’t sure it would work out, was that a lie too?”
She blinks, slowly. “I will always love you, but I wasn’t sure at that point because of how bad things had gotten, and I was honest when I said I didn’t know if things would work out. I didn’t. Just because I did it to get your attention, didn’t mean my feelings weren’t warranted. They’re real.”
“How come you couldn’t have just talked to me and said, hey, dude, help me out? You’re being a bad husband.” I shrug, completely defeated. “But you didn’t do that.”
“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” Madison mumbles, just as defeated. “I didn’t know how else to do it. It felt like every time I tried to talk to you my words fell on deaf ears. When Nathalie suggested it, I thought it was a good idea. I clearly didn’t think it through.”
“Clearly,” I slur, sitting back down.
“Can you honestly tell me that you were happy before this? You didn’t even know where Callan went to school, let alone what he was into, and now you do. You two are closer than ever before. Not that I’m defending what I did, but I think in some ways, it was a wake-up call for all of us.”
I nod because sadly, there’s a hell of a lot of truth to what she’s saying to me. I didn’t know my son before this and had she not filed for divorce, I’m not sure I would have seen it. Sure, she could have come and talked to me, but would I have listened?
No really, I’m asking myself.
What the shit? She’s right. I wouldn’t have. I would have nodded, promised to do better and weeks later would have been caught back up in working and life.
“I’m not saying any of this to defend what I did. I’m saying this because I didn’t do it completely out of spite, Ridley. I love you, and I wanted so badly to make it work too. And then I started to see how bad it really was and then Sedona happened and I panicked, thinking I’d lost you for good.” Her emotions and words are raw. And in the depth of her eyes and the tears clouding them, she means everything she’s saying. She’s staring at me again, longing for a redemption she knows someone like me doesn’t give easily. When my dad walked out, I didn’t talk to him for two years because he lied to me about having an affair on my mom. I hold grudges.
“Ridley?”
“Yeah?”
“I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my mind on the way here,” she says, obviously embarrassed, “and it sounded put together and reasonable, but the truth is, you’re intimidating, and I find myself afraid to tell you how I really feel most of the time.” I’m intimidating? No way. “It’s probably why I never came out and told you what was the matter and how I was feeling before this. I wanted to. I’d lay awake at night and tell myself, I’m going to tell him tomorrow. And then morning would come and you would leave for work and I’d tell myself, when he gets home, I’m going to do it. Weeks would go by and I didn’t. I was afraid you’d either react badly or blow off my concerns as a crazy housewife who needs a life. Or, you’d tell me I was trying to pick a fight with you.” Oh God, she’s right. I’ve said that before. “But the thing is, they were real issues to me, and when I filed those papers, I honestly believed it was the only way to get you to take me seriously. I’m so sorry for the way I went about it.”
“I just can’t believe you felt I wouldn’t listen,” I say, finally feeling a little weight lift. She’s being honest. You need to be honest too. You wouldn’t have listened.
Her eyes trail over my face, watchful of my every reaction. “Do you think if I would have come to you and said we had problems, you would have listened to me?”
I shake my head trying to fight the emotion I feel creeping on. “I’m not sure.”
When did this happen? When did it get to this that we went from being newlyweds and in love, to these people? When did I become a man obsessed with work and her, a woman afraid to tell her husband how she really felt?
“So everything that happened the last two months, you telling me you didn’t love me, Kip, all that crap, it was all to get me to see that I wasn’t giving you and our sons enough attention?”
“No. It wasn’t like that. I never meant for anything to get out of hand, and I fully admit Kip is creepy, and yes, he tried to make a move, but remember when he had that black eye at the last game? That was me. I punched him.”
Damn. I hope she didn’t hurt herself. And fuck that guy. Next time I see him I’ll knock his teeth in.
For a second, I let myself look at her without the distorting haze of anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, and I see her as I used to—beautiful and special, remarkable, and the woman I fell madly in love with eight years ago, despite the unexpected. Her eyes catch mine, and suddenly I’m back to the day we first met. The day I first saw those eyes looking at me like no one else ever had. Me in my vampire costume, her dressed as Catwoman.
You start off a relationship pure, and somewhere along the way, you lose track of what brought you together in the first place. And then you get a glimpse, like right now, and you think, there. It’s right there. That’s why I fell.
I think Madison knew the power she had over me all along and part of me hated that from the beginning. I loved her that much and hated she could harness that much control over me. One kiss with her demolished the protective defense I had in place since my mother died, and I swore I wouldn’t depend on anyone.
The Madison who stole my heart that night at the Halloween party, she never gave it back and wouldn’t now. The Madison who’s beautiful and damaged to the point where in reality, I’m the only man she’s ever loved who hasn’t left her. Until now. Until I did. And I guess, I didn’t even realize I had, because even though I hadn’t left on a physical sense, there’s a reality here that she truly felt alone in our marriage. Something I swore would never happen.
“Why did you come here, Madison?” I finally ask. “Why are you telling me all of this now? Is it because you found out you were pregnant and just need the money, or you actually want to make this work?”
“I cam
e because I don’t want a divorce,” she admits, wiping away tears. “These last three weeks since Sedona have been hell, because I finally saw what life would be like without you and it’s miserable. I’m unhappy, Callan’s depressed. I just… I hadn’t realized what I was missing. It’s awful to say, but it’s exactly like what they say, you don’t miss something until it’s gone, and there’s so much truth to it. I thought it was bad before I attempted to do something about it, but this, it’s so much worse.”
I blow out a breath, shaking my head because I felt the same way. “You never planned on telling me it was all to get my attention, did you?” I ask. “Had everything went okay in Sedona, and I begged you to not go through with it, would you have honestly told me the truth?”
“I don’t know,” she admits, her chin shaking as a new round of tears hit her. “I never meant to hurt you, Ridley.” She keeps apologizing and repeating herself, but still, I don’t have the answer I’m looking for.
For about ten minutes she lets me be and finally stops apologizing—probably because I tell her I’m going to walk out the door and never look back if she says it one more time.
And then, after a few drinks from the whiskey I left in the cupboard, I need some answers.
Leaning against the counter in the kitchen now, I sigh, again. “No more bullshit. Be completely honest with me. You wouldn’t have told me, would you?”
Standing five feet from me near the kitchen island, Madison draws in another deep breath and turns her head to look at me. “I think I would have eventually told you because there’s no way I could have lived with that hanging over my head.”
As shocked as I am, I know she’s not lying to me. The Madison I know, the one I fell in love with, she couldn’t live with a lie. It’s probably half the reason she filed in the first place. Despite wanting my attention, she couldn’t live with feeling like we weren’t giving our relationship everything it deserved.
“I wanted to tell you.” Her voice is timid, seeming far away and lonely much like she’s felt over the years. I can’t believe I let it get that bad. “So many times I wanted to, but I couldn’t say it to you. And then I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do.” Her hand is on her chest now, staring at me with regret.
Sighing, I nod, accepting her truth.
She’s staring at me, wide-eyed and confused, giving way to guilt and sorrow for the damage we’ve done. “I understand if you can’t forgive me.” Her sadness moves through her, shaking her body. “Just know that I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Part of me thought I should have picked up on this after the first couple days, shouldn’t I have?
“I can’t even tell you how hard it was to see you doing so much and not acknowledging it. Especially you waxing your balls to prove it.”
I smile, sensing a small victory. Finally, she acknowledged my efforts. Still, why’d she drag me along? Why was nothing I did ever good enough in those two months?
“So you did it to get my attention, but how come nothing I did was good enough? I kept making the effort and you constantly blew me off. If you really wanted to make things work, how come you weren’t trying?”
Tears slowly find their way down her cheeks. “I don’t know why. I guess I thought if I acknowledged anything you were doing, things would go back to normal in a week or so and nothing would have changed.” She breaths in, slow and deep, as if she’s calming herself down. “I love you, Ridley. I know I said I didn’t, but I do. I also can’t tell you how it felt to have you look at me the way you did in Sedona”—her chin shakes again—“and now, so full of hate and resentment for me.”
“I don’t hate you, Mad. I never could, but why was lying to me about it was easier?”
Women?
Men are inherently ignorant. If you don’t tell us, we don’t know. Plain and simple.
“You think it was easy to lie to you?” Her gaze falters, and I see it. There’s no way it was easy on her. “You don’t think it would have been worse if I had told you right away, that I just did it to get your attention? After a while, I didn’t know how to tell you. You were finally making an effort to be a part of our lives, and I didn’t want you to think it was for nothing.” She stares at me, and the honesty in her face knocks me sideways. There’s no more apologizing or begging. There’s only this. Her regrets and my lack of attention to what really mattered. “That night in the car when we were lost….” Her voice trails off, but of course, I remember what she’s talking about. The sex in the back of my truck. “I had every intention of telling you what I’d done, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I thought once we got to the resort, we could talk about it. But I was scared of what you’d say.”
She’s looking at me again. I can’t deal with the vulnerable side of her; it makes me feel vulnerable, too, so I drop my eyes to the floor.
“Tell me what you want, Ridley. Do you want a divorce?” she asks, stepping forward to close the space between us. Reaching out, her fingers lightly touch my hand. Bending down, I lower my lips to her forehead, pressing lightly, warm and soft. Her reaction is anything but gentle.
And then neither is mine. I inhale loudly, my breath in my lungs exhaling just as harshly. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed. It never will.”
She draws back and stares at me with pleading eyes, her breathing heavy. “Does that mean… you still want me?”
I hate the way the words send a sharp pain to my chest. Like there was ever a question if I wanted her. There wasn’t. But I still don’t know how to process all this.
I sigh. “I think I need some time to think about all this and process everything.”
She steps back so she can see my face clearly, her hand gently running over my jaw. “Ridley, I—”
“I want to be with you,” I interrupt her. “Always. I just want you. Now. A week from now. A year from now. Whenever you’re ready. What I want is never going to change. It’s you. Just you. Always has been. Always will be.” Callan’s face flashes in my mind, my eyes stinging with tears. “The worst part was leaving that day and the look on Callan’s face… the realization I had failed my family in making it work. And then I went to see my dad, for God knows what reason. Brantley and him tried to get me to go out to a strip club and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even think of looking at another woman. So I sat on FaceTime with you and boys, hating that I was going to be a weekend dad.” She’s crying again, slow steady tears that feel like drops of acid hitting my heart. “I can admit, the papers woke me up, but then when you didn’t give me any effort back, I gave up.” I swallow, heavily, and then shake my head. “I just… need some time to process this.”
She turns her back on me, and it isn’t out of hate or regret or whatever other reasons she might have resorted to lying to me. She’s trying to give me some space, I suppose.
But I also know if she walks out that door tonight, we’ll only be hurting ourselves.
I know what my heart wants. I also know Madison is worth it. I’ve always known that. I knew it before she did. Real love is taking two hearts, two bodies, two souls and creating one that can laugh and have fun together despite what’s going on around us. If these last two months taught me anything, it was that we could still laugh together despite us trying to one over the other. I guess my dad was right. That’s when you know it’s pure and worth fighting for.
This is what matters. The experience. The forgiveness and how it makes you feel.
My eyes drift to hers and a familiar ache weaves around my heart, threatening to suffocate my words.
“I want you to stay. That’s what I want you to do, but right now, I can’t make this decision. I need to think.”
“Okay,” she says, nodding. “Do you want me to leave? What do you want me to do, Ridley? I’ll do anything but please just don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not shutting you out. Just give me a minute.”
SITTING AND STARING. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It’s funny, I don’
t think I’ve taken this much time to just consider life, since well, ever. I’ve always been on the go. I’ve always believed I think better on my feet so to speak. But sitting here looking out into the night and truly going through my thoughts and feelings, I’m a bit overwhelmed.
Everything that’s happened over the past two months comes crashing in on me. The confusion I experienced when I was served the divorce papers, the moment in the bedroom when Madison told me she didn’t love me anymore, the nights I’ve spent watching Callan at soccer practice and his games, realizing from the beginning my son was unhappy but not knowing exactly what to do about it. All of my attempts to win back the one woman, besides my mother, I’ve ever truly loved. All these thoughts and moments come rushing back and fuck if it doesn’t make my stomach turn.
The storm passed through, the rain all but gone, left puddles on the stone porch outside. We step outside, searching for the soul cleansing rain can offer, our shoulders touching as we sit on the edge of the built-in benches surrounding the outdoor kitchen. The sun’s setting to the west, lighting up the sky in purple and pink streaks.
Madison gave me close to twenty minutes outside by myself as she called Nathalie to tell her she wouldn’t be home tonight and to put Callan and Noah to bed for her.
I certainly wasn’t wild about Nathalie watching the boys after she filled my wife’s head full of bullshit, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Like tomorrow. I’ll definitely be talking to her tomorrow and letting her know she’s to keep her “single mommy” thoughts to herself next time.
As we sit there in complete silence, both our thoughts scrambling to make sense of where we go from here, I know we won’t be perfect because both of us have faults deeper than we care to admit, but I like my faults with her.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness here, Ridley,” she finally says, breaking the silence. “I’m asking for a chance, I guess.” Her hands fidget in her lap. “Maybe we could go on a date one night and remember why we fell in love.”
