She choked on a giggle, even though it was more horrifying than funny. That was exactly the kind of person she didn’t want to become, and that her almost-fiancé wanted to turn her into. “So together, they’re one person?”
“Probably more truthful than anyone would like to admit,” he replied drily. “As you said, we all have to make choices on how to live our lives, raise children, navigate careers. I need things in my life that are just for me, even if that is a bit selfish.”
“I kind of love you right now.” The words escaped before she gave them any thought, and it shocked her how much truth there might be in them. She covered it with a quick, disarming smile. “That was something I couldn’t get the last guy to understand no matter how much we talked about it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way.”
“We birds of a feather must flock together.” He didn’t skip a beat when he spoke, so she had to assume he took her profession of love as a joke. Which was how she’d meant it. Mostly.
It quivered on the tip of her tongue to ask if he’d be willing to see her when they got back to California. She barely managed to bite back the words. Despite the deepening feeling of closeness, she still wasn’t sure how receptive he’d be to something like that. If all he wanted was a vacation affair, and she asked for more now, she had a feeling he’d withdraw faster than she could blink.
There were secrets and shadows that lurked in his eyes, and he always seemed to be holding back a little. She wanted to know why, but for that, she’d need more time. She wanted that time. The longer they’d been together, the more certain she’d been that he was exactly the kind of guy she’d want to get to know better. And it wasn’t the kind of knowing that had anything to do with sex. It was the deeper intimacy of sharing lives and experiences. She wanted to try that with him.
Unlike all the other men she’d dated, Lukas didn’t seem to want her to be anything other than herself. Funny, sometimes goofy, and just serious enough not to qualify as perky. They seemed to agree on a lot of things, some mundane and some important. The potential between them was so ripe she could taste it, but she was too scared to lose this fragile thing they had.
Maybe she’d muster up the courage to ask the day before they left. That way, if he wasn’t interested in more, she wouldn’t lose out on any of the time she could have spent with him.
Yes, it was chickening out, but only a little.
Chapter Nine
Lukas woke up with a soft, warm woman draped across his chest. Julie. He smiled before he even opened his eyes. She felt good there—right. Maybe it was an incredibly stupid thought to have, but he didn’t take it back.
I kind of love you right now.
Her words the night before had been in jest, but he let himself imagine how it would feel if it were true. What would it be like to be loved by a woman like Julie?
Heaven.
Or hell, if it all went wrong.
Didn’t everything go wrong, eventually? But he clicked with Julie so well, it was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. It gave him something fragile and terrifying, something he didn’t even know he was still capable of.
Hope.
It was an awful, wretched thing, hope. It set a person up for a huge fall. Yet he couldn’t help thinking…what if? What if he gave this thing a shot? What if he tried, just one last time? He squeezed his eyes shut, sighing. The fact that he was even thinking along these lines went a long way toward violating his no-relationship policy. He’d fought against the pull she had on him, but it seemed to be a losing battle.
They were flying home tomorrow, and the idea of never seeing her again was a knife to the chest. He didn’t want to give her up. Not yet. It wasn’t the first time he’d had this thought in the last week. The risk seemed huge, like a deep, dark chasm opening under his feet and he didn’t know where the bottom was or if he could find the necessary courage to step over the edge. Because he knew already that he couldn’t have something casual with Julie. He felt too much for her as it was. With Julie, it would be serious, and far more real than anything he’d allowed himself in…years.
Clammy sweat slicked his palms. He wasn’t sure if a leap of faith was something he could manage. The last time he’d tried it had been devastating. Only an idiot would chance going through that again. The likelihood of any relationship surviving in this day and age was statistically dismal. The odds were against success and pointed toward the same suffering he’d already been through.
Fuck. Not wanting to lose her warred with not wanting to get his heart torn to pieces, and he had no fucking clue which was the right choice.
“Morning.” She kissed his shoulder, rolled over so that her back was to him, and cuddled her bottom into his hip. Her voice was sleepy and soft. “You wanna swim today?”
“In a little while.” He turned and wrapped himself around her, wishing he could absorb some of her goodness, her honest joy in life. For all she’d been through, she’d managed not to become bitter. It was something he couldn’t say for himself.
Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he breathed in her scent. His time with her was running out. It was important to savor every minute.
“I think I want to swim.” She yawned, rubbed her eyes, but didn’t try to get up.
He kissed her nape. “Are you even awake yet?”
“Um…kinda?” She shifted on to her back and reached over to stroke his jaw. “Caffeine would help.”
He tried to keep his turmoil off his face when he looked at her. Savor the moment. Right. “A dip in cold ocean water is eye-opening too.”
“Aw, that’s mean.” She tugged on his earlobe. “I wouldn’t dump you in the Pacific without at least a cup of coffee first.”
“Such a nice lady.” He dipped down to brush his lips over the swell of one pert breast.
“Considering what we did in bed last night, I doubt anyone would call me a lady.” She attempted a leer, but it just made him laugh.
He traced his fingertips in circles on her naked thigh. “Reminding me of what we did is not a way to convince me to go swimming.”
“You’re the one who got me hooked on sea swimming.” She folded her arms, which plumped her cleavage. He nuzzled the soft globes and was rewarded with her shiver.
“I could talk you out of it.” He moved his hand higher on her leg, his thumb just brushing the thatch of curls between her thighs. His body kicked to life, reacting predictably to her nearness. He could be half-dead and he thought he’d still respond for her.
She caught his wandering fingers. “Sex in the shower after? I want to swim with you.”
“All right.” He heaved an exaggerated sigh and flopped over onto his back. Desire still burned in his veins, but it wasn’t at undeniable levels. Yet. She could make it up to him later. “I guess I could wait that long to have you.”
“Such willpower.” She widened her eyes at him. “You’re such a strong man.”
“Ha.” He swatted her thigh. “Go put your bikini on before I test your willpower.”
Rolling to her feet, she stuck her tongue out at him. “Right, like my crochet bikini doesn’t make you drool.”
“I do not drool. Drooling is so undignified.” He arched a supercilious brow. “I do, however, get a serious boner.”
She curved an arm over her belly and giggled. “Okay, then. You need to head back to your room to change. Meet me downstairs.”
“Sure.” After rising, he threw on the slacks and shirt he’d worn to the Royal Hawaiian the night before. He set up the coffeemaker so she’d have a fresh cup when she came out of the bathroom. Then he draped his jacket and tie over one arm and snagged his cell phone off the nightstand.
A few emails had come in since he’d last checked, so he tapped the screen to access the messages. The top email caught his attention. It was from Lilith. The air whooshed out of his lungs, and he sat down hard on the bed. He hadn’t heard a word from her in all the years since his divorce and now she decided to get
in touch? What could she possibly want? And did he really want to know? He stared at the screen for a full minute before he clicked on the message.
Lukas, I’m trying to sell the Toyota and the DMV says you’re still on the title as co-owner. I thought you took care of this! We need to take your name off the car so I can get rid of it. I don’t have your new phone number, so get back to me ASAP! -Lilith
He had to reread the note several times before he made sense of it. Then the burn of self-righteous anger filled his gut. He had changed the title on both cars when they’d separated. Of course, a fuckup by DMV was somehow his fault. It was her car and it had taken her five damn years to figure out his name was still on the title, but yeah, that was his fault. Because she was never wrong. If she was, she always found a way to lay the blame on someone else. That was how she stayed in control of every situation.
“You have to be fucking kidding me.” His hand was trembling, and he had to clutch the phone tighter to keep from dropping it. Rage and sick helplessness churned in his gut.
Thank God he’d gotten out of that mess. Just reading her email was like having a black wave crash over him and swallow him whole. The past threatening to drag him back into hell just when he’d finally started letting in another woman. Of course, it had happened now. Fate was one nasty bitch, coming to shove his face in the reality of how badly relationships could go. They started with such promise, but look where you ended up.
How could he ever have imagined that he could go back to that, open himself up to that kind of agony and suffering? He could feel himself spinning out, overreacting to the situation, but he was going to have to deal with this, which meant dealing with his ex and getting sucked back in to her morass of drama and accusations. Every muscle in his body was tense, so rigid he was shaking.
Hearing from her was the last thing he’d ever wanted. When their divorce had been final, he’d felt nothing but intense relief. But he’d suddenly been thrust onto that same old gut-wrenching emotional rollercoaster. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
“Hey, I figured you’d be gone by now.”
Julie’s voice snapped him back to the present, and he jackknifed to his feet. “I…uh…”
“What’s wrong?” She came toward him, concern in her brown eyes.
He backed up a step, and she stopped, confusion replacing the concern.
“Lukas, what’s wrong?”
So much, and yet…nothing. Wasn’t this his normal state of being? The scent of coffee singed his nose, so strong it was nauseating. He shook his head, trying to clear it. “I just got an email and I have some stuff I have to deal with.”
“Crisis email, huh?” She didn’t come any closer, but she offered a little smile. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Yes, stop being so wonderful, so tempting, so everything he’d ever wanted in a woman and never thought existed. Stop all of that, and he’d be just fine. Instead of unloading his bullshit all over an innocent bystander, he cleared his throat and squeezed out, “No, this is something I have to handle myself.”
“Okay, no problem.” Her smile wavered, and she played nervously with the strap on her bikini—not the crochet one, thank God, but she looked amazing in anything. “I’ll see you later, I guess.”
He forced his gaze away from the temptation she presented. He should make this a clean break, walk away, not look back. His brain told him one thing, but his heart insisted something else. “Yeah…I guess. Though I don’t think I’m up for anything today.” He swallowed. “I have to go.”
There was a long pause, and he expected her to say something cutting for his abruptness, but her voice dropped into low, understanding tones. “All right. Go do what you need to do.”
Turning before he said something he couldn’t take back, he strode out the door. When he got back to his room, he went hunting online for contact information for the California Department of Motor Vehicles. If he could get this straightened with them instead of having to deal with Lilith, that would be the best possible resolution. He hoped like hell that was possible.
Hope. Ha. There was a joke. And the joke was on him.
Uneasiness twisted inside of Julie for the next few hours. She sat on one of the hotel’s poolside loungers, Kindle in hand, but her thoughts were chasing themselves in circles. Something had been wrong with Lukas, no matter how he might have brushed her off. Seriously, seriously wrong. She didn’t know why she was so sure about it, but her every instinct told her that email had been far worse than he’d let on. But who emailed bad news the morning after Christmas? They should all still be in holiday food coma.
Had someone died? Every tragic scenario she could imagine went through her head. His house burned down, or one of his students had had a terrible accident, or Stanford had fired him—could professors be fired?—or he had a secret baby mama. Okay, so maybe that last one was from the romance novel she was pretending to read, but it was a possibility, however remote.
“Is this seat taken?” a light baritone voice asked.
She glanced up and saw a good-looking blond man. He motioned to the empty lounger next to hers, though his gaze was focused squarely on the way her bikini fit her breasts. She hadn’t worn the crochet one, so there was no other reason for him to be looking. If he had approached her on her first day in Hawaii, she might have been interested, but now she was far too wrapped up in Lukas to want some other guy ogling her chest.
Before she could muster up a suitable response, Lukas’s rough tones cut across the scene. “Actually, yes, it is taken.”
Julie leaned sideways to see around Mr. Baritone, sliding her sunglasses down her nose so she could get a look at her German. His accent was especially thick, which she’d learned meant he was upset or passionate about something.
There was a glimmer of jealousy in his gaze that she would have hated in most men, but considering his hasty departure from her room this morning, she was pretty thrilled to see right about now. He stared down the blond, who swallowed and beat a hasty retreat.
Julie shoved her sunglasses back up to cover her eyes. “So…did you get everything settled?”
He shrugged. “I just…”
“Yes?” She let her Kindle drop to her lap.
He heaved a sigh, scrubbing a hand over his hair. “It’s been a crap morning, and I knew the day would be vastly improved if I spent it with you. I couldn’t stay away.” He glanced at her. “I’m sorry for being so curt this morning.”
“Not a problem.” She waited a beat, hoping he’d be more forthcoming about what was in the email, but he said nothing else. While it was nice that he came to her because he knew being with her would make his day better, she wanted more. She wanted to know what had happened, and why he might want to stay away. That didn’t sound good at all. How far could she push? His expression was guarded, his body tense. Now wasn’t the time to pry. Maybe after he’d loosened up a little. She drew her knees up to her chest. “What did you want to do today?”
“I was thinking…” For a moment, he looked as if he were groping for something to say. “Have you been up to Diamond Head yet?”
Somehow, she thought he had pulled that suggestion out of thin air. Weirder and weirder. “No, though I can see it from my room. Is it a hardcore hike up to the top?”
He sat down on the lounger beside her. “It’s a little steep and uneven, but if you have some decent tennis shoes, you should be okay.”
“I do.” She searched his face, but found no real indication of what he was thinking or feeling.
“Good.” After pulling out his phone, he tapped a series of keys on the screen. “The eastbound bus leaves in about twenty minutes. Think you can hurry?”
He seemed almost jittery…like he knew he was doing something he shouldn’t be. Which was strange because he hadn’t acted that way the rest of the week and they’d spent every day together. What the hell was going on with him? She wanted to ask so badly, but reconsidered. He could refuse to answer and walk away the same way he h
ad this morning. Better to wait until he was trapped with her on the bus or hiking up a mountain. Maybe it was devious, but she didn’t have a lot of other options. This was the first time his reserved nature had left her on the outside looking in. She didn’t like it at all.
“Twenty minutes? Easy peasy.” She rose from her chair and grabbed her towel and e-reader. “Meet you in the lobby in ten. Less, if the elevators aren’t crowded.”
When she reached her room, she grabbed a T-shirt and a pair of shorts and slid them on over her bikini. Socks and sneakers completed the ensemble. Ready as she’d ever be. She was out the door in under three minutes.
Lukas was waiting in the lobby, bottles of water for the hike in each hand. He handed one to her and they hurried to the bus stop. It was just pulling up as they arrived, and they hopped on. Lukas leaned in to speak in her ear. “We’ll only be on this bus for a couple of stops, then we transfer to the one we really need.”
“Okay.” She slipped her hand into his. He’d have to pull away if he wanted to keep up the emotionally distant routine. She knew what she wanted—him—and she wasn’t about to pretend otherwise. Not when they had less than a day left together.
They got to the transfer point just in time to catch the next bus. The few dark clouds in the sky opened up and it began drizzling lightly as they boarded. She laughed and fluffed out her damp hair. “Hawaii does like to catch me in the rain.”
His eyebrow arched. “I remember.”
“Fondly, I hope.” She glanced back at him coyly.
“Very fondly. Your top was wet and clung to your breasts.” The words were almost so quiet she missed them, but they brought a hot flush surging to her cheeks.
Unfortunately, the bus was crowded and she couldn’t sit beside Lukas. So much for grilling him. It would have to wait until the ride home.
Hawaiian Holiday: Destination Desire, Book 2 Page 11
