by J. L. Murray
“That's not how it works,” I said.
He nodded, looking toward the ceiling. “What happens now?”
“Now you don't have to run any more,” I said.
He looked at me. After a moment he nodded again. “I guess that would be good,” he said. “I'm so tired, y'know?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
After I touched him and he faded away, I looked at Lucifer.
“What the hell is going on?” I said. “He saves the babies and then comes back and murders them?”
Lucifer sat down on the only chair that wasn't covered in blood. He frowned, deep in thought. He was staring at the corpse. “It doesn't make sense,” he said.
“Damn right it doesn't make sense,” I said. “I told you before that none of this made sense.”
Lucifer looked at me like he was remembering he wasn't alone. “Before, Kane was for hire.”
“For hire?” I said. “What does that mean?”
“He would do anything. Didn't matter what it was. He would kill his mother if someone paid him enough.”
“Did he kill his mother?” I said.
“The point is, Kane is greedy,” said Lucifer. “If he's the same person that he was when I threw him in the pit, he doesn't do anything on his own. Someone is paying him. And if I'm right, you can count on this: he is expensive.”
“He is?” I said.
“He's the best,” said Lucifer. “As far as I know, I'm the only one who ever caught him. And even after the worst kinds of torture, he wouldn't tell me who hired him.”
“Oh,” I said.
Lucifer sighed. “Yes, I tortured him. He'd murdered hundreds of people. What is that phrase you're so fond of?”
I rolled my eyes, but said it anyway. “Deal with it.”
“Yes,” said Lucifer. “Deal with it.”
“I'm sorry,” I said. But Lucifer dismissed my apology with a gesture.
“Niki, I think someone's paying him.”
“Paying him?” I said. “To murder Outsiders?”
“And their families,” said Lucifer.
“But who would...oh, Jesus. The lords?”
He nodded gravely. “But which one?”
“There could be more than one,” I said. “Almost all of them hate Outsiders, from what I've seen.”
“Indeed.”
“But what good does it do?” I said.
“Good?” he laughed bitterly.
“I mean, it doesn't make sense. What do they get out of it? It doesn't end the fighting, it doesn't gain them traction...why would they fork over the big bucks to kill these people?”
“Does hate ever need reason to survive?” he said. “You don't understand these men.”
“They don't care,” I said softly, realizing. “They hate them so much they don't care how they die.”
“They want to wipe them out,” said Lucifer. “Not unlike your New Government. They'll start with the most vulnerable. It won't be long before they move on to the more dangerous ones.”
“Over the wall?” I said.
“Over the wall.”
“But you don't know for sure,” I said. “It might be someone else.”
“Niki,” he said, “I've ruled Hell for thousands of years. I know these men. I know how they think. I know how they fight. They don't get their hands dirty. They're pathetic.” His eyes flashed. “They need to be brought to justice.”
“Just wait,” I said. “Please. Until we know for sure.”
Lucifer stood up. “No waiting,” he said. He had that mad look in his eyes again, a dangerous giddiness that should have scared me. But it didn't. I wasn't afraid of him. I knew I should have been terrified. This was a man that could tear me apart without thinking, and he wouldn't even realize he was doing it until it was too late. He walked out the door and I followed, the cold hitting me in the face.
“Stop,” I said. There was a strange note to my voice that I didn't recognize. I felt a surge of heat run through my body, but it was gone in an instant. Lucifer turned around. He was smiling his crazy smile.
“You can't stop it, Niki,” he said.
I closed the gap between us with three long steps. “You're not doing this,” I said. “You don't even know if they're guilty. You'll kill them all. And we don't know how many are innocent. Do you think you can stop once you start?”
“No,” he said. “But I'm willing to live with that.” He bent down so our faces were almost touching. “It's justice, Niki. Deal with it.”
“No,” I said. “I will not goddamn deal with it. You're going to listen to me.”
“Should I break a bone this time?” he said, his eyes dancing. He reached for my wrist, but without thinking, I backhanded him. I felt something like a hot poker stab through my nerves as my hand made contact with his face. The same sensation I'd had when I hit Eli. His feet rose off the ground and he landed on his back in the snow with a grunt.
I looked at my hand, turning it over in the moonlight. It just looked like a normal hand. Lucifer was staggering to his feet. I made my face stony, so he wouldn't see my shock. He stared at me for a long moment, his eyes still shining with excitement.
“If you think a little slap is going to stop me, you're quite wrong,” he said. But he touched his cheekbone with his hand gingerly where I'd hit him.
“I'm sorry I hit you,” I said.
“Don't be,” he said. “It's nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you.”
“You're not this person any more,” I said.
“Oh, but I am,” he said. “It's the other side of me that's the imposter. You want Lucifer?” He took a step toward me. I didn't move. I still couldn't find it in me to be afraid. It was so strange. A light flickered in Lucifer's eyes. He was moving slowly toward me. “You should run, Nikita. You have no idea how to stop me, do you?”
And then I did know. I felt a smile twitch on my face.
He raised an eyebrow. “Oh you think you do know how to stop me, don't you? Going to hit me again? Because I'm warning you: I'm going to hit you back this time.”
“No,” I said. “That's not how.”
“Now I'm curious,” he said.
I moved so quickly it made me dizzy. Angel fast. And in an instant I was in front of him. “I know what makes the other part of you strong,” I said. “Strong enough to beat the crazy down again.”
“I'm terrified,” he said, his voice mocking. I was so close to him I could feel his hot breath, I could feel the heat of his body radiating. “And what is it?”
“Me,” I whispered, and before he could say another word I was kissing him. It surprised him and he tried to take a step back, but I held him to me, feeling that odd burning sensation run up and down my arms. He couldn't move. After a moment, I felt his body tense, and then he was kissing me back. He put an arm around my waist pulling me closer and his other hand slid up and entangled his fingers in my hair. The world disappeared. We were the only two people on the face of the earth.
FIFTEEN
It seemed like an eternity passed. But it was all too short. Lucifer grasped my shoulders and pulled away with a gasp. I could hear his heart beating from where I stood.
“I was going to kill you,” he said.
“No you weren't,” I said.
“Yes, Niki, I was. You don't understand. I can't stop when I'm like that.”
“I know,” I said.
“Then what makes you think I wouldn't have killed you?”
“Because I'm stronger than you,” I said. “Don't ask me how I know. I just do.”
He looked at me for a long time without blinking. Finally he frowned. “I don't doubt that's true, actually. It makes sense.” He took my hand. “And my brother? Is he still in your head?”
I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. I had forgotten. How could I have forgotten? What kind of person would do that?
“I had to stop you,” I said weakly. “You were going to murder innocent people.”
> “And the only way to stop me was to kiss me?”
“The only way that didn't end with you getting hurt,” I said. I jutted out my jaw defiantly and pulled my hand away from his. “I had no choice.”
The sadness stayed in his eyes, but he smiled a little. “Really,” he said.
“Yes, really,” I said. My feet were freezing. I didn't know how long we'd been standing there, but I couldn't feel my toes. I looked away from Lucifer. “We should get back,” I said.
“Niki,” he said. “Look at me.”
I shook my head. “I can't,” I said.
“Look at me.” I turned slowly and looked up at him. I didn't know why he had such a hold on me. Why he could make me forget about Sam, about Bobby, about everything? It didn't make sense. I hated the loss of control.
“What?” I said.
“He's not always going to be in your head,” he said.
“Yes he is,” I said, shaking my head. “He said he'd always be there. Until I...” I pursed my lips.
“Until you tell him to leave,” said Lucifer.
“I can't do that,” I said. “How? How do you ask the man who saved the world for you to leave?”
“You can't live this way,” he said.
“You think you're so irresistible that I just can't control myself?” I said.
“I think you're not used to losing control,” he said.
I snorted. “That's ridiculous,” I said. “I almost unmade the world, remember?”
“Niki,” he said, his voice low. I closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him any more. Not with Sam in my head and Bobby missing. I was losing track of my priorities. “He's not going to be in your head forever,” he said. “I don't care if you're lying to yourself, but please, don't lie to me.” He took my hand again and I instinctively grasped it. My hand tingled the way my skin did every time we touched. I breathed deeply, trying to ignore it.
“Open your eyes, Niki,” he said. I did. He was looking right into me in that way he had. I wanted to look away, to run, but something held me there. “Tell me you feel nothing for me, and when this is all over, I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you again. But if you feel something...” He frowned at me. “Good God, Niki. If you feel something you have to tell me.”
“I don't have to do anything,” I said, but my voice was weak and there was no meaning behind the words.
“The truth. You owe me as much,” he said. “Ignore the guilt. Guilt fades in time. Tell me the truth.”
“Why is everyone always trying to force me to tell them how I feel?” I said. “That's how I got into this mess. Tell me you love me, Niki, before I save the world. Feelings don't get you anywhere. Why does everyone want me to say how I feel?” There were tears in my eyes and I turned my head. It was starting to snow; big, fat flakes landed on my face and melted down the back of my neck. Lucifer turned my face with a warm hand to look at him.
“Because you wouldn't say a word if we didn't ask you,” he said. “The truth. There are no consequences this time. If you don't feel what I think you feel, we just won't try. I'll walk away. Everything will be fine. We'll be cordial. This isn't life and death. Not this time. I'll wait for you, but not if you don't want me to.”
I stared at him for a minute. I forced air into my lungs. I felt dizzy. “I...” I cleared my throat. Why was this so hard? “You just tried to kill me, you know.”
“I know,” he said. “But you still have to tell me.”
I sighed. “I'm not good at this.” He continued to look at me, his eyes the same black as mine, though I felt strange when I looked into his. They were familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. I felt a lightness in my abdomen. This was stupid. I barely knew this guy. I took a breath. He wanted the truth, I would give him the truth.
“When I look at you, sometimes I forget about everything else,” I said. “When you touch me, it feels like...like an electric current. And when you kiss me I feel like the world isn't even there any more. None of the worlds. Like it's just us.” I shook my head and looked away. I tried to laugh. “This is stupid. I don't do this. I'm not the kind of person who wants to be in relationships. People die when they like me. Or they change in very bad ways. You don't want anything to do with me. Besides, I barely know you.”
He was quiet for a moment. The silence hung in the air. When he finally spoke his voice was quiet. “You know that doesn't matter.”
I swallowed and finally looked up at him. There was something different in his eyes. Something had replaced the sadness. A hunger. I could feel his heart beating again.
“Doesn't it?” I said quietly. I was really asking. I wasn't sure of anything any more. This was all so confusing. “Goddammit,” I muttered.
“You look in my eyes right now and tell me anything else matters,” he said. “Danger, guilt, madness...Look at me and tell me you care about those things. In fact, I dare you to tell me you don't want this.” He took my other hand and pulled me closer. I forgot to breathe. “I dare you, Niki,” he whispered.
“This is crazy,” I said, my voice almost inaudible. “This will never work.”
“Do you care?” he said. The heat from his body was warming me. I vaguely felt the scratching in my ribcage that came when I didn't return from the spirits soon enough. It had always been hard to ignore; painful, even. I could barely feel it now. “Do you care enough to not try?”
“No,” I said. “But—”
“Stop,” he said, cutting me off. “Just tell me when you're ready. Is that something you can deal with?”
“You're not letting that phrase go, are you?” I said. He smiled. “You know this Jekyll and Hyde thing isn't nearly as mysterious as you think it is.”
“Mysterious?” he said. “Is that what you think I am?”
“Don't flatter yourself,” I said, hiding my smile. “Are you ready to go back?”
“No,” he said. “But it's necessary. I have to return to Erebos. You'll have to drive me back to Samael's bar so I can cross over.”
I nodded, Sam's name giving me an uncomfortable stab of guilt. “We should go back.”
“I know you'll see him tonight,” said Lucifer.
“I can't help it if he's in my head.” I said.
“He's going to know what happened between us today,” he said. “Just prepare yourself. I know you're worried about hurting him, but chances are that the damage has already been done.”
“I know,” I said quietly. “But I hate it.”
“So do I,” he said. “You're right, we should go back.” I nodded silently. Still holding Lucifer's hands, I let the pull take us back. It had just been one day. A single day. What the hell had gone so wrong? And with a pang of guilt, another thought: What if it wasn't wrong? Because if I was really being truthful with myself, nothing that had happened with Lucifer felt wrong. Taking my guilt about Sam out of the equation, everything about Lucifer and me seemed right.
The drive back to the Deep Blue Sea was heavy with tension. I felt Lucifer glance at me occasionally, but we didn't speak. I had no idea what to say to him. And I was completely exhausted.
In a way, I was angry. Angry that I couldn't control my emotions, angry that he made me feel, angry that I had hurt Sam. Even if it wasn't really Sam and just a piece of his soul. It still looked and sounded like Sam. But these feelings were more powerful than anything I had felt for anyone. Of course my love for Sofi and Sasha was different. I had felt something for Eli and Sam, but never anything close to the sensations I experienced with Lucifer. He was the goddamn devil. Literally. The king of Hell. And he had a seriously evil side. But despite everything, I knew that we did have to try. That it would be worse to walk away. That, in a crazy, morbid way, we were goddamn made for each other. And that thought scared the hell out of me.
“Shit,” I said.
“What?” said Lucifer.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just thinking out loud.”
He was silent for a few minutes, then he turned to me. “I'm deeply sor
ry we didn't find your friend.”
“It's okay,” I said, my voice flat. “I guess he didn't want to be found.”
“Maybe he's trying to protect you,” said Lucifer. “Trying to keep you away from Kane.”
“Well that's pointless,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because Kane's pissed me off,” I said. “And now I'm not just looking for Bobby. If Bobby wants to help me, he'll find me. I'm going after Kane now.”
“It won't be easy,” said Lucifer.
“Nothing ever is,” I said. “And you might be surprised at the things I can do when someone pisses me the hell off.”
“I have no doubt of that,” said Lucifer, an odd note of pride in his voice. “Perhaps it's not just me who needs to hold the madness in check.”
“My crazy gets shit done,” I said. “I work better with crazy.”
“Maybe that's why I like you,” he said.
“You need to go back to Erebos,” I said. “Those bastards will use any reason to take it from you. It's really important that you stay calm. Don't kill anyone.”
“Can you promise the same?” he said.
I felt the gun digging into my back. “No,” I said. “But I won't start a war.”
“This time,” he said.
“Low blow, Lucifer.”
He laughed. “Fine, I'll stay sequestered in my tower. Would that make you happy?”
“If you need help, find Ba'al. He's promised to help. And he's strong.”
“He should be. He's a god.”
I looked quickly at him, then back to the road. “Seriously?”
“He ruled Erebos before I came,” he said. “Long before. He's very old and very powerful. And everyone is afraid of him.”
“Even you?”
“He does make me nervous,” he admitted. “So you're already ordering me around. Is this what I can expect?”
“Is that a problem?” I said.
“No.”
“Good thing,” I said.
We pulled up to the Deep Blue Sea and I turned off the engine. I stared straight ahead at the bar, the neon sign flashing gaudily, lighting the dashboard with red light.
