Keira stood over Agang.
‘The war is over,’ she said. ‘Who won?’
Agang gazed back at her, his vision cloudy.
‘Who won?’ she repeated, leaning closer, her eyes flickering, a smirk on the edge of her mouth.
‘You,’ he gasped.
‘That’s right. Me.’
She glanced at Leah.
‘Get him a fucking healer.’
Chapter 16
Sense of Self
S lateford, Rahain Republic – 27 th Day, Second Third Autumn 506
Killop and Daphne sat by the fire, warming their hands as Karalyn lay asleep in the cot behind them. The cabin was shrouded in shadow, the shutters closed against the chill mountain air.
Daphne took a drink, then put down her mug.
‘There’s something I should tell you,’ she said, ‘before we go back down to the mansion.’
He nodded as she lit one of her cigarettes. A strange habit, one that he had seen the alliance soldiers in town take part in. Daphne had offered him a smoke once, but he had turned it down. He thought it stank, though he hadn’t mentioned this to her.
‘I know you were with Kallie before me,’ she went on, ‘so it’s only fair I tell you about Jorge.’
Killop said nothing, listening.
‘I met him at university,’ she said. ‘He was older than me, and seemed to know everything about Holdings City. I was new there, and he took me out to lots of exciting places. But after a year or so I outgrew him, and by the time I’d been posted to Sanang I’d lost a bit of interest. I didn’t see him for ages and then, when I was in prison, he came to visit me. He had sneaked past the guards by pretending to be my brother. But when he saw my arm…’
She frowned.
‘He sounds like an idiot,’ Killop said.
‘He was,’ she said. ‘Still hurt though.’
‘What happened then?’
‘I told him it was over,’ she said. ‘Haven’t seen him since.’
Killop nodded, sipping his ale. He knew he should say something about Larissa, he had rehearsed the words many times, but his tongue refused to obey. Their time together in the mountains had been as near perfect as he could have imagined. An old boyfriend was of no concern to him, but to tell Daphne that he had been sleeping with another woman while she was pregnant and giving birth to his daughter felt like a deep betrayal, one that would sour everything.
He would wait. He would tell her when they got back.
Killop sat on the low mattress, watching the door to the fort’s outhouse. His fingers drummed against his knee as he waited.
The door opened, and Kallie emerged, her breath misting in the winter air. Her feet crunched across the snow and ice, and she came into the squad’s sleeping quarters. Killop checked again that they were alone.
‘Well?’ he said.
‘You can relax, man-bear,’ she said. ‘It’s started.’
He let out a long sigh.
She sat on the bed next to him, and he noticed the frown on her face.
‘You all right?’ he said.
‘Aye.’
‘You don’t look it. Are you not relieved?’
‘Aye,’ she said. ‘I am. Just wasnae expecting you to be quite so happy about it. ’
‘I do want to have children,’ he said, ‘just not right now. Once we’ve thrown the lizards out of Kell, then maybe we can think about it.’
‘But if we’re sleeping together,’ she said, ‘we have to be ready, just in case.’
‘You’ve been taking the fennel-wort though, aye?’
‘Of course I have,’ she said, ‘but it doesnae always work. My aunt was using it when she got pregnant.’
He put his big arm around her.
‘One day,’ he said, ‘we’ll have a family. I was thinking two sets of twins, maybe three.’
Kallie snorted. ‘Steady on, man-bear. You’re not the one who’ll have to carry them, then go through the birth.’
‘I know,’ he said, ‘but I’ll be there, right by your side for every minute of it. I promise.’
Killop opened the door to his bedroom and crept in, trying not to wake his parents. He had seen his sister run in, but couldn’t make out where she was in the darkness. He closed the door behind him, and felt his way to the bed. With one hand on the mattress he took a step, then stumbled into something.
‘Ow!’ Keira cried. ‘Ya stupid fanny. Watch where yer putting yir huge feet.’
Killop climbed up onto his bed and lay on his front, his elbows propped up.
‘What happened to you, then?’ he said.
‘Nothing.’
Something in her voice sounded funny.
‘You been crying?’ he said.
‘Fuck off.’
Killop reached over to his table for the lamp. He arced his fingers together, and a spark leapt onto the wick, and the lamp caught. He turned up the flow of oil, and glanced at his sister .
He gasped.
‘Who did that to you?’
She looked away, trying to hide the cuts on her face, and the dark bruises.
‘Ye cannae tell anyone about this,’ she said.
‘Who did it?’
‘Keep yer fucking voice down,’ she hissed. ‘It was nobody from the village. About twenty bawbags from Milltown jumped me.’
‘You were on your own?’
‘Aye,’ she said. ‘Coming back from running a message for da. They must have been waiting for me. I managed to get a few of the bastards, but there was too many.’
‘They knew who you were?’
‘Of course they fucking knew who I was.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘What the fuck are you sorry about?’ she sneered.
‘If I’d been there,’ he said, ‘I could have given you a spark.’
She shrugged. ‘But you weren’t. So fucking what. It’s not like you should follow me about all day, just in case. Still, it would have been fun to roast those arseholes.’ She paused. ‘Hang on, are you offering to spark for me? I thought you said you’d never do it again.’
Killop stared at her beaten face, her eyes defiant. His heart broke to see his sister hurt, but he knew she was strong enough to get through it.
‘I wouldn’t have stood there and let them do that to you.’
‘Good to know,’ she said. ‘I’ll remember that for next time.’
Killop strode up the narrow glen, trampling through wet fern and moss, the air cold despite the sunshine peeking through the breaks in the clouds. The noise of the fast flowing burn drowned out all other sounds. He came to a gap in the hillside to his left, where a rockslide had gouged a chunk out of the cliff, and saw a waterfall, the cold stream sparkling in the sun as it tumbled down the rocks .
‘Is this a real place?’ said Daphne. ‘It’s beautiful.’
He nodded. ‘In the hills above Goatcross. Used to come here a lot when I was young.’
She smiled. ‘Your memories are returning, Killop. For days I despaired, but your mind is slowly repairing itself.’
‘The little girl has helped me.’
‘What?’
‘I see her sometimes,’ he said. ‘She helps me heal.’
Daphne glanced away, a frown on her lips.
Killop said nothing, not understanding why she would object to the child’s presence.
Daphne forced a smile back onto her face.
‘You might be well enough to come back to us soon.’
‘Back where?’ he said.
‘Home.’
He paused. Wasn’t this his home?
‘We miss you,’ she said, kissing his forehead.
She disappeared, as she often did, and Killop continued his walk up the glen.
The child’s face lit up when she saw him. He smiled back, and got down on one knee so he wouldn’t scare her with his height. The little girl approached, and he looked into her green eyes, recognising them.
He blinked. Did he know this child? She loo
ked like Daphne, a Holdings girl.
The child raised her hand, and a swathe of memories flooded him. More broken threads of his mind were reformed, and his sense of self returned.
He fell to the ground sobbing, and the little girl patted him on the head.
He stirred, and opened his eyes. He was lying in his bedroom on the top floor of the mansion, looking up at the ceiling. He turned his head, and saw Karalyn playing with a toy figure on the rug close by. Daphne was sitting by an opened window, smoking and gazing out over the valley.
Karalyn let out a cry and tottered to her feet. Daphne turned, and rushed over.
‘You’re awake,’ she said, wrapping her right arm round his shoulder. Karalyn approached the bed, and lifted her hands, laughing.
Killop lay still, feeling Daphne’s hair against his face.
She pulled back, picked up Karalyn, and sat on the bed.
‘How are you?’ she said, her smile receding.
He shook his head, then leaned up, coughing. Daphne slipped a pillow behind his neck to prop him up, and he sank back into it.
‘Do you know where you are?’ she said.
He nodded.
She filled a mug of water, and put it into his hands.
‘You should drink,’ she said. ‘You must be dehydrated. It’s been hard work getting water into you while you were unconscious.’
He took a sip, soothing his dry, cracked tongue. He took a bigger gulp, sensing for the first time how thirsty he was. He drained the mug, and put it back down onto the side table.
‘Do you remember what happened?’ she said.
Did he?
He paused, frowning. An image of Daphne, drunk and shouting at him, flashed through his mind.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘I’m sure it’ll all come back in time.’
He felt tired, and closed his eyes, meaning to rest for a moment.
When he awoke again it was still light, though the shadows in the room had lengthened. Daphne was sleeping curled up on the bed next to him, while Karalyn lay talking to herself in the cot.
He sat up, and drank the full mug of water on the table .
His legs ached when he tried to move them, but he persisted, knowing it would be worse the longer he left it. He swung them off the bed, and placed his feet onto the rug. He rubbed his thighs as cramps bit hard. He gasped, pulling up his toes until it passed.
When the pain disappeared it was replaced by hunger. His stomach rumbled and growled, and he scanned the room. On the big table by the window a plate was sitting, with leftovers on it. He braced himself, and stood. His joints screamed in agony, and he grimaced, remaining still. He reached out with one leg, wriggling his toes, and began walking to the table. When he had made it as far as the cot at the end of the bed he halted, sweat rolling down his cheeks. He glanced down to see Karalyn standing, her hands gripping the top of the cot.
Before he could blink, she was in his head.
Instead of pain, this time was more like his dreams. She filled his thoughts, with love and a desire to please. She repaired more damaged strands in his mind, laughing.
He bowed his head under the weight of it, catching sight of Daphne, lying asleep on the bed. In a flash, Karalyn sensed his thoughts, and he found himself in Daphne’s mind. It took him a moment to understand where he was, but he stayed quiet, and watched as the Holdings woman dreamed.
This is what it must be like for her, he thought, when she looks into someone’s mind.
Then he was back in his own head, alone. He opened his eyes. Karalyn was smiling at him.
‘Dada,’ she said.
He stared at her.
Until that moment, Killop had never loved his daughter. He understood he was supposed to, and wanted to, but he found that he couldn’t turn it on like a lamp. She was beautiful, she was adorable, but she didn’t feel like his own blood.
Now, as they gazed at each other, he realised that he loved her. Not an ordinary love, but a love that consumed. Her green eyes bore through him. His daughter. His girl. He would never let anyone hurt her.
She seemed to pick up on his thoughts, and he felt a surge of happiness flow through him. He picked her up, and she cuddled into him.
He heard an intake of breath, and turned. Daphne was sitting up on the bed, watching them.
She smiled. ‘You look good together. But we need to talk.’
He nodded, and placed Karalyn back into the cot. He hobbled to the table, picked up the plate of half-eaten food, and returned to the bed.
‘I was meant to protect you from her,’ Daphne said. ‘I can’t do it. She’s broken through every defensive web I’ve woven around you. The last one, that I set up a couple of hours ago when you were sleeping, I thought would do it, but then I wake up and she’s back in your head.’
She lit a cigarette.
‘Maybe she healed your mind in such a way that made it easy for her to come and go as she pleases. If Kalayne were here, he might know what to do, but she’s moved past my abilities.’
Killop turned to glance at Karalyn, who was sitting in her cot, playing with her toy figure.
‘Your two minds are linked now,’ Daphne said.
She waited for a moment, but Killop said nothing, eating the bread from the plate.
‘Anyway,’ Daphne went on, ‘this means we have a problem.’
He turned to look at her.
‘I told Bridget,’ she said, ‘that I’d be able to protect everyone from Karalyn. I had to tell her that, otherwise she might not have allowed us to stay here. After what happened to you, I’m not surprised Bridget reacted the way she did. But her condition for letting us stay, and not telling anyone else about Karalyn’s powers, was that I protect everyone, and I can’t.’
She bowed her head, and for a second Killop thought she was going to cry.
‘So,’ she said, ‘do I tell Bridget the truth? Or do I lie to her? ’
Killop frowned. Bridget. He knew she was important to him, but the details were hazy.
‘Please say something, Killop,’ Daphne said. ‘Even a grunt will do.’
Killop grunted.
Daphne sighed. ‘If I lie to her, you’ll have to lie as well. But if I tell her the truth, we’ll probably have to leave, maybe go back up to the cabin on the mountain, where everyone will be safe from our daughter.’
Daphne stubbed out her cigarette.
‘That might not be so bad, actually,’ she said. ‘I don’t think anyone here likes me, aside from Bridget, and I’m on borrowed time with her. Not that I really care to be honest, but I might get some peace up there.’
She leaned over and filled the mug with water, Killop watching her lithe figure as she stretched close to him. She sat back down on the mattress, and handed him the mug.
‘Drink,’ she said. ‘You need to be knocking back mug after mug for a few days. And I’ll get some proper food sent up. Anything you want?’
He shrugged.
She sighed again. ‘Are you able to speak,’ she said, ‘but just don’t want to?’
He felt like he had forgotten how.
She put a hand out and touched his arm.
‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I should be happy you’re awake, not complaining. I know you need time but, you know, it’s frustrating, talking to myself.’
He tried to smile, but had no idea how it looked to her.
‘I’ll tell Bridget the truth, then,’ Daphne said, ‘and take the consequences. I won’t bother asking Bedig if he wants to come, he’s fallen for Bridget in a big way, and I doubt he’d be willing to leave her side. What about you?’ She smiled at him. ‘Will you visit us in the cabin?’
He drank the mug of water.
‘If they send you away,’ he said, ‘I’m going with you. You’re my family now.’
Daphne half-laughed, half-sobbed, and flung her arm around his neck. They kissed, and the touch of her lips made him feel more alive than he had in a long time.
Karalyn let out a squ
eal, and they pulled apart, grinning at each other like children.
‘Do you want to get married?’ she said.
‘I do.’
Bridget’s mouth opened when she saw him, and she ran into his arms, almost knocking him over.
‘Careful,’ he laughed. ‘I’m still fragile.’
‘Fucking Pyre’s arsehole, Killop,’ she said, her head buried into his shoulder. ‘Thank fuck you’re all right.’
He put his hand onto the table by the window to steady himself, as Bridget untangled her arms.
‘Daphne told me you woke up yesterday,’ she said. ‘Can’t blame her for wanting you to herself for a day before letting the rest of us know.’
Killop sat by the table, and poured himself some water.
Bridget sat across from him.
‘So you’re protected now?’ she said.
‘Aye.’
‘Karalyn won’t be able to do that again?’
He shook his head.
‘She put you in a coma for days,’ Bridget said. ‘We all thought you were going to die, or that you’d never wake up. Even Daphne was despairing, I could sense it, but I kept giving her more time to fix you, and she did it.’
She gazed at him.
‘You are fixed, aren’t you?’
‘I think so, Bridget. Some memories are still hazy, and my body’s weak, but I’m all right.’
She pursed her lips. ‘Okay. Fuck knows when you’ll be able to go back to work, but I think you need to let more folk see you. Daphne’s been watching the door like a mountain bear guarding her cubs, and since she had that row with Draewyn, she’s not let anyone in.’
‘She fought with Draewyn?’
‘Aye. It was about Daphne smoking in here, with you and the baby. She made Daphne open the window. Got a bit nasty.’
‘What about Bedig?’
Bridget flushed. ‘What about him?’
Killop frowned. ‘Are you and him…?’
‘Aye, well, maybe,’ she said. ‘Aye.’
‘About time. But what I meant was, where was Bedig when this was happening? Was he not standing up for Daphne?’
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