by Tracee Ford
“She’s a destroyer.”
Robin shot up from the couch as she caught her breath. She still felt the warmth of the woman near her.
“Talk to him,” she heard in her ear. “You will find him to be true,” the voice clear in her mind.
The next day, Terri took Robin to work with him and then took her home afterward. As she neared the door to the kitchen, she saw Matt rushing through the living room. The door flew open, much as it did in her dream. He embraced her. Fervently, he gazed into her eyes.
“Are you okay? I was so worried! What happened? Why did you leave?” he asked.
She stood in the kitchen and confessed everything. She could see he felt disoriented by the discussion, but carefully, he offered reassurance to Robin. She remembered the dream.
The following day Matt and Robin patiently waited in his office at the hospital. The morning sun shone brightly through the glass. Robin stood watching the specks of snow falling onto the blacktop parking lot.
The clicking of heels alerted both of them that someone was coming. Robin played her part well as she stood behind the door in his office. She intended to stay there, waiting for her cue. She heard Matt’s chair push away from the desk. He left the office and met Audrey in the reception area. Robin heard him say,
“We need to talk.”
Soon Robin heard both of them in Matt’s office as she remained unseen and unheard behind the door.
“First of all,” Matt started, “you’re fired. Secondly, you and I will never communicate with one another again. You’re lucky I’m not filing a complaint with the board for sexual harassment. You’re also lucky that my wife didn’t file menacing charges against you for cornering her in the parking lot at the ballgame.”
She heard Audrey’s shrill voice. “I don’t understand.”
“You approached my wife with a pack of black lies! Did you really think she wouldn’t come to me with that?”
“Matt, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You are certifiable. Do you realize that there are countless security cameras in that parking lot?”
Robin didn’t hear a response.
“Before you begin packing, you should know that my wife and I are very much in love. The greatest asset we have is trust.”
Robin beamed.
“Audrey, I don’t want to see you in here again. I’m calling security to have you escorted out of the building,” he concluded as he picked up the phone receiver from his desk.
“Matt, I…”
“Nothing you can say will change the outcome here. You owe my wife and me an apology. Now, please go to your desk and pack your things.”
Robin heard the clicking of her heels as Audrey left the office. She emerged from behind the door and followed her out. With her arms crossed, she smirked. Audrey’s face dropped as she looked up from her desk to see Robin staring right at her.
A security guard opened the door to the reception area and crossed his arms.
“Let’s go miss,” he said curtly.
As Audrey passed by Robin, she glared into her eyes.
“You’ll never get an apology from me.”
After their dramatic day, Robin relaxed in bed reading a book as Matt played a game on his phone. She then felt his hand on her protruding tummy. She smiled at him and took her glasses off. She put her book on the nightstand and placed her hand on top of his.
He leaned down toward her pregnant belly and smiled. He lifted her pajama top up slightly and kissed her skin. “Love you so much little one,” he whispered. Then he looked up into Robin’s loving brown eyes.
She ran her hands through his thick hair noticing the dark color peppered with gray. Her attraction to him only grew, still drawn to him like a magnet.
After some much needed intimacy, Robin rested in Matt’s arms. It was quiet in the house as she fell asleep. All at once, she awoke to the feeling of being choked. She couldn’t breathe or speak. When she opened her eyes she couldn’t see anything either. Her eyes watered tainting her vision. Then she saw it; a black mist hovering over her body. Instantly, she knew.
Her eyes continued watering as she felt her heart racing. Frantically, her eyes moved about the room as the figure dissipated. Still, she choked and continued to be immobilized. She saw the dark figure standing in the corner watching as she suffocated to death. Finally, relief swept over her and she sat up in bed screaming.
She felt Matt’s body jerk beside her as she saw the light from his lamp on the nightstand come on. His arms felt like a safety net around her. Still panting, she couldn’t say anything.
“What’s going on?”
The anguished sobs came with the coughing as she dropped into his chest. “It tried to kill me,” she cried.
“I’m right here,” he assured her.
“I couldn’t breathe. It was choking the life out of me.”
“It was a dream.”
“No,” she said as she shook her head, “it wasn’t.”
Exhausted, she flopped back onto her pillow with Matt looking down at her. Horror covered his face.
“Oh my God,” he said softly. Gently he touched her neck. “How did you do that?” he asked.
She got up and rushed to the bathroom. Flipping on the light, she looked at herself and couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Bright red marks covered her neck. It looked like rope burn, but there were several scratches, too.
“I didn’t do that,” she said quietly.
Matt walked in behind her.
“Are you alright?” he asked, concern in his voice.
“Matt, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
She walked back into the bedroom and sat down on the mattress.
“I am strong, but I can’t physically fight this thing.”
“We’ll be alright Robin. I promise. We’re going to be okay.”
Chapter Fifteen
Going Under
A week passed. For most of the day, Robin folded laundry and put it away. The house quieted with Olivia on visitation with Sheryl and Matt outside shoveling snow. It gave Robin the opportunity to nest a little. She hadn’t even thought about a nursery. Sometimes, she felt terrible because she wasn’t prepared; no clothing bought, no crib, no changing table.
Robin walked up the stairs with the laundry basket to put towels into the closet. She put the basket down in the hallway and began taking stacks of clean towels from the basket. The floorboards near the top of the stairs creaked as if someone walked toward her. She turned her head and peaked around the closet door. The hallway was empty. Robin assumed Emma may be looking for Olivia.
“Emma, Olivia is with her mom for a few hours,” she said quietly.
She heard the kitchen door slam and Matt tossing his boots onto the doormat.
The hallway became bone chilling cold. That had never happened when Emma was close. Once more, Robin saw her own breath because of the atmospheric temperature change. This time, nonetheless, she used positive thinking and tried to be more realistic. She called downstairs to Matt.
“I think the furnace needs looking at. This hallway is freezing. I bet the duct is clogged.”
“I’ll look at it in a sec,” Matt called from the kitchen.
She finished putting the towels away, picked the basket up, and started down the stairs. On the fourth step down, she felt a tremendous force smack the middle of her back as if two hands pushed against her. Unable to maintain her balance, she tumbled down the stairs head first. The laundry basket flew out of her hand and toppled down the stairs ahead of her. She felt her head hit the wooden stairs followed by impact to her legs and then her back. Finally, she landed on her stomach and everything went black.
When she woke, the white walls blinded her and the loud beeping noises deafened her. Someone held her hand. Blinking back into consciousness, she glanced over to see Matt, his bloodshot eyes looking at her.
“Hey baby,” he whispered. “How are you feeling?”
&nb
sp; He put his hand on her forehead just as he had the first time he had ever met her. It was a warm, supportive gesture and most of all, it brought back fond memories.
“I don’t know. Where am I? What happened?” she asked groggily.
“You’re at the hospital,” he replied.
“What happened?”
His lip shook.
“Robin, what do you remember?”
She reflected for a moment.
“Well, I started down the stairs and it felt like someone pushed me. Did I fall?”
He nodded, still trembling.
“You hit your head pretty hard.”
Reality startled her.
“The baby. Is the baby okay?”
She didn’t want to touch her abdomen.
Matt dropped his eyes as tears ran down his cheeks. He sobbed softly.
Robin shook her head in disbelief as the horrific truth shook her to her very soul.
“No… not our baby…”
“They did everything they could,” he said as he looked up at her. “There was just too much bleeding and too much damage. He couldn’t be saved.”
“He? It was a little boy?”
“Yes.”
Weeping, they held one another not understanding how to overcome such a loss.
****
Robin wanted a funeral for the baby. They named the baby Bryan Garrett. With the help of Amy and Doris, Matt picked out the casket because Robin couldn’t overcome her grief. In fact she had been sedated since returning home. When she was conscious, she struggled with guilt for even staying in the house. Moving would have prevented all of the loss.
Robin stood in the master bedroom looking in the mirror. Her swelled abdomen offered a gruesome reminder of what happened. The emptiness inside sickened her. Darkness fell on her like a shroud as the sorrow consumed her. She felt heaviness all around her and her weakness crippled her. The darkness in the house stole the life of her son. Her coping mechanisms failed.
She closed her eyes and put her hand on her still swollen belly. The presence of the woman from her dream surrounded her. Tears rolled down her face as her eyes remained closed and comfort couldn’t be found.
The activity in the house heightened. The loss of the baby encouraged the woman and Emma to spring into action. Olivia felt the drastic change in the house. She walked to the master bedroom, peering in. The woman from the field, who had lost a child of her own, stood with Robin, wrapping her arms tightly around her. Then Olivia walked downstairs to the kitchen where her father stood staring out the kitchen window.
She didn’t understand how something so tragic could happen; how something so wonderful could turn so horribly wrong so quickly. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t see Bryan. Because loss of this kind was new to her, she didn’t understand the overpowering emotions that came and went.
She observed Emma walking to Matt, taking his hand. She could tell he felt the cold touch because he looked down and then sighed. The heaviness in the room saddened her even more.
The funeral home filled with friends and family for the visitation and viewing. Charley, Tammy and Terri stood in the back drinking coffee as the continual line of friends roamed in and out of the funeral home. Doris sat in the front row of folding chairs near the casket. Olivia stayed close to her.
Amy, Corbin, Shelley, and Wendy stayed very close to Robin as she, too, sat in the first row of chairs. Matt was up and down greeting friends as they paid their respects. Robin got up some of the time, but when her legs felt weak, she found her way back to her seat. She composed herself for the sake of her family and refused to be an embarrassment to them. However, she knew better than that; she knew grief to be a natural healing process. Honestly, though, she had no more tears.
Maria kept her distance and stayed outside the funeral home with her boyfriend, Fred. Because of the drastic age difference, Maria and Robin weren’t close. Also, Maria’s age put her at a disadvantage for dealing with such grief.
Katie and Curtis O’Bryan made their way to the tiny casket. Matt stood beside it. From the corner of her eye, Robin saw Curtis’s tall silhouette and his wife’s short grey hair. They had been such wonderful neighbors.
Robin stood to her feet and joined Matt. Taking her hand into his, they stood united.
Curtis held out his hand to Matt and they shook. “I’m so sorry for you two. If there’s absolutely anything we can do, you just let us know.”
Matt nodded and Robin did her best to smile. “Thank you,” Matt said.
Katie embraced Robin. The warmth of her hug gave Robin some relief, but she needed more than that.
“Honey, I lost a baby, too.
I know exactly what you’re going through. So, if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me,” Katie said sympathetically.
“Thanks so much for coming,” Robin replied.
Just as she suspected, her knees began to weaken. She smiled again and dismissed herself back to her chair.
Friends from the hospital and the agency came and went all evening. Bill and Leah also offered support and stayed with Matt and Robin during the visitation.
After the difficult viewing and after everyone left, Robin and Matt sat by themselves quietly in the room. They walked up to the tiny casket together. Robin looked down at the fabric of the blue footed sleeper she chose for Bryan. She thought that maybe if she focused on something completely unrelated to the loss, she may fare better, but it didn’t work. Overcome by the size of the casket, she sighed heavily.
“Look at this,” she whispered. “It’s the size of a shoe box.”
Her eyes hollowed as her hands traced the wood finish. Matt put his arm around her and began crying. Robin watched him reach for Bryan’s cold little hand, his tears falling onto the lining of the coffin.
Dread: that is what Robin felt. She sat on the bed staring out the window pulling her pantyhose over her legs. She finally felt numb. Matt rummaged in his closet and she watched as he stared in the mirror at his reflection. Then, he walked to her and sat beside her as she continued staring obliviously out the window.
“This isn’t your fault,” he whispered.
Finally, there was a hint of emotion as her lip trembled.
“Yes it is.” She looked down at her hands. “I’ve had a distinct lack of respect for all that’s been happening in this house and because of that, my son was taken. This is no one’s fault by my own.”
“Sweetheart, it’s not. These things just happen.”
“Not like this, they don’t,” she bit out.
“We will get through this, Robin. We are strong and we love each other.”
The emptiness returned to her face as she gawked at Matt.
“I’m not this strong.”
The church was vacant as Robin and Matt entered. Robin walked up to the casket first and peered into it. It seemed impossible that the baby wouldn’t wake with a cry. It was hard for her to get past Bryan’s size, too. She felt responsible and inept; she couldn’t protect him even as he grew within her.
Her hand brushed across his little head, his skin with the lack of life. The tears came quickly even though she thought they were dried up. She leaned down and kissed his forehead.
“Good-bye little one,” she choked out. “I’m so sorry.”
Matt stood with his hand on the small of Robin’s back. She trembled beneath his touch and gracefully stepped aside allowing Matt to have his time for saying good-bye.
The funeral director walked over to them offering more condolences. He prepared to close the lid. Matt and Robin held one another tightly as they watched the darkness fall on Bryan’s face like a cloak. Robin stood emotionless as her husband shuddered beside her. Inside she felt like screaming and wanted to stop the closing lid. Inevitably, the lid shut and the time to honor Bryan’s short life came.
The pews filled with people. The family took up the first two rows in the sanctuary. Matt held tightly to Robin’s hand as he cradled hers in his lap. Rich
ard stood and he leaned down, kissing Robin’s forehead sweetly before walking to the pulpit. He pulled a white handkerchief from his jacket pocket and patted his wet cheeks. Inhaling deeply, he then let go of the air in his lungs as he began the service.
“Please, join me in prayer.” He paused. Robin’s eyes didn’t close but stared straight ahead.
“Our loving Father in Heaven, we come with heavy hearts today. We seek peace that only you can give to us. We are confused, so help us, oh Lord, to find understanding and healing in this shadowy time. Because we know that your comfort for hurt runs deep. We ask this in Jesus name, Amen.”
He sighed as he looked down at Robin and Matt. Her eyes met his as the darkness exuding from her broken spirit.
“It’s not easy to accept the death of a young person, especially a baby,” he continued. “We’ve all been brought up to believe that when we’re young, we’re unbreakable. We can do anything.
“I heard a saying once. When we lose our parents, we lose our past. When we lose a spouse, we lose our present. When we lose a child, we lose our future.
“In the gospel of James it says that we do not know what our life will be like tomorrow. We’re just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Our lives here on earth are very short, but our life, however long it may be, is of great value to God.
“Everyone wants to live forever. That’s what God has put in our hearts. Ecclesiastes says, ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.’ In this time of sorrow, we can rejoice that in God’s word He teaches us that life does not stop when physical life is cut short. In fact, it’s just the beginning. My daughter, Robin, the mother of this beautiful child, believes that this mortal body holds us captive; that when we shake off the body, we are free. And today, we can take heart in the fact that little Bryan is free and he is rejoicing with the angels and our Heavenly Father.”
Robin listened to the words of her stepfather, but it seemed like a terrible nightmare. The sounds and words echoed in her mind. Her brain drifted to what might have been; first steps, first words, school parties, graduation, marriage, grandchildren. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she sat as still as a sculpture.
