by Debra Doxer
“I have to tell my mother about Russ and the chief.”
When I started to stand, Spencer jumped up to help me. His face was next to mine when I said, “But first I need to brush my teeth and wash up.”
After smiling briefly at me in the bathroom mirror, he left, closing the door quietly behind him.
What I really needed was a moment to regroup. I splashed some water on my face and I did brush my teeth, but then I stood there for a moment looking at myself in the mirror. My hair was still dark orange. My eyes were a familiar shade of green, and a thin white line ran parallel to my jaw, portioning my cheek into two parts. It seemed like the person staring back at me should look different, but she didn’t. The girl who got to town a week ago didn’t know any of what the girl in the mirror knew. I felt different. I looked at Spencer and Russ differently, but like them, my differences were all on the inside, hidden from view.
When I came out of the bathroom, I found Spencer standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, lost in thought. What he said earlier echoed in my head. I’m always thinking of you. You’re all I fucking think about. My skin warmed and something loosened inside me. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t want him, not with everything I knew about him now.
“Break up with him,” he said, his voice a low growl as he eyed me intently.
“What?”
“Your boyfriend.” Then he quietly added, “Sarah, I’ll be your friend if you want. But you must know I want more.”
Those tiny butterflies that kept company with me when Spencer was near got caught up in a hurricane. “I already did.”
For a moment, he had no reaction. Then his brows arched up. “When?”
“This morning, when I got back here.”
He didn’t bother hiding a smile. “How’d it go?”
“Not great.”
“Are you okay?”
My laugh sounded miserable, even to me.
“Sorry, dumb question,” he said with a lopsided grin. Then he nodded subtly to himself as he approached me. “Will you come to the show tonight? We’re playing in Chatham.”
“Riley told me. She planned to go one of the nights you’re there.”
“I’ll tell her to make it tonight.” He reached out to skim his fingers down my arm, and all my attention focused on the place where he’d touched me.
“And, Sarah,” he said, his tone growing serious. “About talking to the police, when do you want to do it?” I could tell a part of him was wondering if I still wanted to at all.
“I need to tell my mother first. I want her to hear it from me in case word gets out after we go in there and Russ calls her.”
Spencer nodded, then he glanced at his watch. “I need to load the gear and get the guys. You could come with me.”
I smiled at the concern in his voice. “You go ahead. I’ll be fine.”
He didn’t move. “Call me later, then, when you’re on your way.”
“Let me get your number.” I glanced around for my phone.
“You have it.” He grinned and pointed to the phone lying on the counter. “I already got your number from Riley. I just called you.” He turned to go. When he was halfway to the door, he turned back around, came into the room, and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his back and held on tight. For a moment I felt completely safe.
It wasn’t until he’d gone that I fully grasped the repercussions of what he’d told me. This wasn’t just about me or my father. Spencer was a part of it too. I probably wasn’t in any real danger anymore. The man whose crime I witnessed was dead. But Spencer witnessed crimes by police officers who were still very much alive, and by his own words wouldn’t like us bringing all this up again.
If he came forward with me, how far might they go to keep their pasts hidden?
I was sketching. It was still what I did when I was upset. The sketch started out as another rough drawing of the dunes. Slowly, other images took shape. Storm clouds and a choppy dark sea appeared. Sailboats keeled sharply in the distance. A man and a woman were in the foreground, partially hidden by the tall grasses. They were nude, embracing, and standing with the front of their bodies pressed together from lips to toes. The woman’s thick hair whipped around their faces. Desperation, lust, and inevitability were what I wanted to convey as my hand moved over the page.
I only stopped when my phone rang. Thinking it might be Spencer, I tossed my sketch pad on the floor and ran to grab the phone off the counter. It was Tessa.
“You broke up with Nate and didn’t even tell me?” There was no greeting, just a question. I’d missed Tessa, and this was our first time actually talking and not texting random things since I’d left Michigan.
“It just happened,” I said. “He already told you?”
“He called to see if I knew what was going on with you. What made you finally do it?”
I sighed. “It was time, long past time actually.”
“He thinks there’s someone else.”
Nate had to be guessing. He couldn’t have possibly known. When I didn’t immediately deny it, she began screeching. “Sarah, really? Who is he?”
I explained about Spencer as best I could, telling her I’d crushed on him for nearly half my life.
“You’ve carried a torch all this time and you never once mentioned him to me?” Tessa sounded excited and wounded at the same time. If she only knew how much about my past I hadn’t mentioned.
She was still grilling me when Riley came in, dropping her purse onto the counter with a huff and scowling. I raised my eyebrows in question, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was staring at my sketch pad on the floor.
While Tessa switched topics to a new guy she’d met at the lake who apparently looked a lot like Channing Tatum, Riley slowly walked toward the sketch pad. After she stared at it for a few silent moments, she turned to me with wide eyes.
Her expression made me ask Tessa if I could call her back. Once I ended the call, Riley said, “That’s you and Spencer, isn’t it?”
Gnawing on my lip, I nodded.
“Wow. That’s so . . . It’s just so . . . sensual.”
“Really?” I laughed, releasing nervous energy.
“Have you two actually kissed like that?”
My cheeks heated at her wide-eyed study of me. I shook my head. The answer was no, even though I’d imagined it plenty of times.
“Geez,” she whispered, looking down at it. Then she took a breath and said, “I’m an idiot, Sarah. I’ve been feeling like crap ever since I said those things to you this morning. If Spencer feels like that too,” she pointed to the sketch, “and I have a good feeling he does, you shouldn’t listen to me.”
I already hadn’t listened. Looking at my sketch, I thought if Spencer ever did kiss me that way, I’d spontaneously combust. “What are you doing home so early?”
Her scowl returned as she plopped down onto the couch. “My manager says I owe the restaurant over five hundred dollars for Colby’s birthday party.”
“I thought you only had to pay for the alcohol?”
She shot me a look.
“You mean that’s the bar tab?”
“Rick ended up inviting everyone he ever met. They showed up for the last hour and drank the place dry.” She fell back onto the cushion and closed her eyes.
“Did he know you were paying for the drinks?” I asked.
“Would he give a shit if he did?”
I picked up my sketch pad and flipped the cover over to protect it until I could get back to it again. “Do you have the money?”
“No.” She covered her eyes with her arm. “They’re going to take it out of my paycheck starting immediately, which means no check at all this week. So I walked out. I’m not working if they’re not paying me.”
“You walked out?” That surprised me, because I knew she needed this job.
“What? It’s no big deal. The season’s almost over. After Labor Day, they only stay open for dinner. I was going to have to
find something else anyway.”
“But leaving this way? You’ve worked there for three summers.”
She stood and went into the kitchen. “Who cares? Let’s go out and get drunk.”
I laughed. “Can we postpone that plan by a few hours? Spencer wants us to come to their show tonight.”
She opened the refrigerator and pulled out an apple. “Is that why he’s been calling me? To make sure I bring you? I kind of like this. For a change, Spence is chasing a girl instead of the other way around.” She crunched into her apple and came to stand in front of me. “I’m glad it’s you, Sarah. I really am. I don’t know what I was thinking before.”
“You were thinking of him. I understand.”
Riley eyed me, trying to gauge my honesty. “Thanks. I’m going to take a shower. We’ll leave early and get some dinner first, okay?”
When I agreed, she disappeared down the hall, and I stood there for a moment running her words back, wondering if that was what Spencer was doing, chasing me. I kind of liked it too. More than kind of, actually.
The shower turned on in the bathroom, and I reached for my phone. I knew I had a call to make, one I’d already delayed by picking up my sketch pad after Spencer left.
Wanting more privacy, I decided to call from outside. Sitting down on the curb in front of Riley’s building, I dialed and immediately felt my heart knocking a little louder when my mom answered.
“Sarah. How are you, sweetheart?”
The smile in her voice surprised me. “I’m okay. You sound good.”
“I’ve been doing better. I decided to take your advice. I’m going to come to South Seaport. I don’t know when yet, but I want to try.”
I stood, surprised again. “You do?”
“When you told me how you felt your father’s presence there, I knew I wanted to feel it too.”
“Oh, Mom.” I sank back down to the sidewalk. I shouldn’t have encouraged her, not with what I knew now.
“What is it? I thought you wanted me to come?”
An ache began to form at the base of my skull. I reached beneath my hair, pressing my hand against my neck in an attempt to rub the pain away, along with my problems. I couldn’t tell her. Not now. Not when she sounded better and more optimistic than she had in a long time.
“Of course I want you to come. The asters are blooming.”
“What?” she asked in a whisper.
“The asters we planted. They’re still there. They’re beautiful.”
She sniffled softly. “We planted those on your last day of school when you graduated third grade.”
“I remember.”
The asters prompted her to ask more questions. I told her how the town was changing and growing, but kept to safe topics. I said nothing about Spencer. He was tied to so many other things I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. When I finally ended the call, I had a text from Tessa.
TESSA: This is his bicep. How do you like them apples?
She’d attached a picture of a tan, muscular arm. While I could appreciate a nice set of guns, I wondered how she’d managed to hook the guy who belonged to this arm so quickly, or maybe she was just a voyeur.
I texted her back.
ME: Stalking guys at the lake?
TESSA: Not stalking. Admiring from afar. Well, not too far. ;)
ME: That’s stalking. Look it up.
TESSA: Can’t stalk the willing.
Wondering exactly what that meant, I eyed the bicep one more time before I called Spencer to confess my cowardice. “I talked to my mother, but I chickened out. I couldn’t tell her.”
There was a loud crash in the background. “Fucking Rick,” he grumbled. “Let me find somewhere quieter.” A few moments later, the noise had died down.
“I’m in an empty coat closet,” he said. His voice sounded deep and intimate in my ear. “It’s okay you couldn’t tell her. There’s no reason it can’t wait.”
“I can’t wait.” I kicked at a pebble beneath my sneaker. “She talks to Russ. I hate the idea of her having anything to do with him, and I don’t want to put off talking to the police much longer.”
“I get it. But another few days won’t matter.”
“She wants to come here and visit. She sounded excited about it.” I hated the feeling of keeping this from her.
Spencer didn’t say anything for a moment. “You think she’ll change her mind about coming once you tell her?”
“I think she’ll have an off-the-charts freak-out.”
“Maybe you’re not giving her enough credit.”
I balked at that. “I’m giving her no credit based on years of experience.”
He laughed patiently. “It will be hard, but you’ll tell her when you’re ready.” After a pause, he said, “I couldn’t get in touch with Riley. Are you coming tonight?”
I told him we would be there and about the bar tab Rick’s friends stuck Riley with. I didn’t think she’d mind Spencer knowing.
“Fucking Rick,” he repeated for the second time in this conversation. Rick was on his shit list today. “I should probably tell Colby. He’d want to know.”
Biting my lip, I hoped I hadn’t done a bad thing by telling him. But maybe Spencer and Colby could help Riley. I heard someone calling Spencer’s name in the background. “I’ll see you tonight,” I said, not wanting to hold him up.
Spencer hesitated, making me wait. “See you later, Sarah,” he finally said, like he’d wanted to say something more. Although the way he’d said my name, slow and drawn out, still stirred the butterflies.
A moment later, my phone dinged with a text.
TESSA: This is his six-pack. Oh, look! It’s an eight-pack!
My eyes widened at the tight swim trunks, which if they slipped any lower, would expose more than rock-hard abs. Shaking my head, I texted Tessa back.
ME: Can I borrow your wardrobe when you’re in jail?
Then I might have gawked at the eight-pack a time or two before going back inside.
“What’s with you?” Riley asked as she took the on-ramp to Route 6.
“Nothing.” I eyed the bumper-to-bumper traffic in front of us. “I’m just preoccupied.”
She glanced at me, frowning. “Being back here must be hard. It’s so good to see you that I forget why you’re here sometimes. I think we both need cheering up tonight. That means no designated driver. I hope Colby or Spencer plan on taking us home with them.”
She didn’t notice the way my body tensed. I wasn’t going home with Spencer tonight. That would be way too fast. Wouldn’t it? I looked out the window again and thought how I’d first met him seven years ago. If all those years counted, maybe it wasn’t too soon.
“We won’t have time to go backstage and see them now,” Riley complained as we pulled in late to a place called Sky.
The parking lot was full, so we had to drive around to find a spot on the street. Then Riley had to twist herself toward the door and throw both legs out at the same time to stand in her obscenely tight dress. It was a gauzy, silvery thing that she looked amazing in, but she couldn’t move to save her life. I was in my usual summer sundress. It was black with purple piping and a flirty skirt that hit just above my knees. I wore my hair down, and I had on black flip-flops because I wanted to be comfortable.
Just like last time, we were treated like VIPs. Our names were on a list, and we got to go directly to a reserved section near the front. We pushed past a growing crowd of people, some of whom even had on Swallowed T-shirts. As Riley pulled me through a circle of sprayed, teased, and barely dressed girls, I saw Spencer’s name written in black marker on some of their arms. I stared as she dragged me past them.
“Did you see that?” I was still glancing behind me.
She gave me a pointed look. “The girls love Spencer. I mean, they love all the guys, but there’s something about him that does it for them. I think it’s the broody quiet thing he’s got going.”
“He has groupies?” I asked, scowling at
them.
Laughing, she sat down and waved at a waitress walking around. “He’s got you. Don’t worry about them. Tequila shots, before the shortage hits?” she asked when the waitress stopped near us.
I gave her a wry look but I had to admit, fact or not, it was a creative way to justify lots of tequila consumption. “You’ve got pull at the bar here too?”
She smiled like she had a secret. “Two shots of tequila,” she told the waitress.
“ID,” the waitress said flatly.
Riley scowled. “Make it two Diet Cokes.”
I eyed her. “You said you had an ID.”
“But you don’t. I’m not pathetic enough to drink alone. I can’t believe she carded me, though. That hasn’t happened in forever.”
My phone buzzed inside the little clutch I brought. When I pulled it out, I had three missed texts. Two were from Spencer.
SPENCER: Traffic was bad. You might want to leave early.
SPENCER: Come backstage and visit with me when you get here.
I groaned with disappointment, cursing the terrible cell phone service on the Cape. I quickly texted him back.
ME: I’m just seeing your texts. We ran late. But we’re here now. Have a great show!
Then I watched my phone, but nothing came back, so I read the third text.
NATE: Sorry for the way I reacted. Call me so we can talk.
I sighed. While I appreciated the apology, I wasn’t up for a big talk. I would have liked to be friends again with him; that was how we started. I wasn’t sure how we’d get back to that place, but I was willing to try.
A few moments later our sodas arrived, just as the lights dimmed and the crowd started to scream. Even though I winced at the noise, it was obvious that everyone here loved the band. They had fans, and I felt so proud of Spencer, I could barely sit still.
Guys ran back and forth, setting up their equipment, and then one by one starting with Rick moving behind the drums, they all came out onstage. Spencer was last, and the noise increased upon his arrival until he counted out the first song.
There were about twenty feet and three tables between us and the stage. We were sitting on the side where Spencer stood, and his attention was completely absorbed by each song. His long legs were covered in well-worn black jeans, and he had on a black shirt with short sleeves that hugged his biceps. Standing confidently onstage, he cut an impressive figure. Just watching him, I could feel desire pooling inside me.
