by Deorre, Iris
She sat down, pulled the note from between the flowers and read the note.
Hope you’re feeling better. I’d like to come and see you. Perhaps tomorrow. I think I have the right to. I’m the man who saved your life.
Ferguson.
Freya put the note aside and slipped into bed. The last thing she needed was a man coming to see her, but she didn’t have the strength to stop him. It would be impossible since he’d invited himself and there was no way of contacting him. Freya would take it as it came. One day at a time, like she was taught in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in with medication. Like a good girl she took it without argument even though she hated the way it made her feel. An hour later, Freya was fast asleep.
****
The day went by as usual, it was a routine she was used to. At six o’clock that evening she had a visitor. Freya decided to meet him in the visiting room rather in bed, it didn’t feel right. She walked into the room wearing a plain blue tracksuit pants and a white shirt. Not flattering at all, but she was beyond caring. He smiled the moment he saw her.
‘Hi,’ he stood up.
‘Hi,’ she sat down, he did the same.
‘So how have you been since we last met?’
‘As you can see, I’m still in one piece.’
‘I’m glad. It’s nice to see you a little less agitated.’
‘Yes well, it’s the meds. They do make me feel like a zombie at times. They do stop the voices.’
‘What are the voices?’ He leaned forward curious.
‘Nothing. They’re nothing.’
‘They can’t be nothing.’
‘Well it’s none of your business then.’
‘It is my business. I saved your life.’ He smiled.
‘Is that right?’
‘Yep.’
‘Well I still choose not to tell you.’
‘It might make you feel better.’
‘I’m better, can’t you see.’
‘Ha! Nice try. I know this whole process. I’ve been here before.’
‘Yeah? Why?’
‘Long story.’
‘Tell me.’
‘Nope.’
‘Why not?’
‘You won’t tell me yours.’
‘I see. Is that how it works?’
‘Yes, that’s how it works.’ He winked.
‘Well then we’ll just have to keep our stories to ourselves. Not that I have a story.’
‘Everyone has a story. You didn’t just get like this. Something happened.’ He looked her in the eye. ‘I can help you get past it once and for all.’
‘Yeah, how’s that?’
‘I have my ways. None of this medical bullshit.’
She laughed. She liked him. He was different and he was quite good looking. Her sudden realisation made her feel self-conscious about her appearance.
‘It’s true. I did something I should’ve done a long time ago that gave me great satisfaction. I think it has finally set me free.’
‘What’s that?’ she was curious.
He looked around the room. There were only two other people with them deep in their own conversation. He encouraged her to draw closer with his finger so he could whisper in her ear. Feeling a little naughty she moved in close until his mouth touched her ear. Freya felt a tingle run through her body she’d not felt in a long time.
‘I killed…my…father,’ he whispered and withdrew. He looked at her and waited for the horror on her face, but none appeared.
‘Really?’ She doubted him.
‘Yes.’
‘And the police? You could get arrested.’
‘I won’t. I know people.’
She bit her lower lip. Why was this fascinating her instead of frightening her?
‘Best therapy. The man deserved it,’ he said in a low tone smiling mischievously.
Freya smiled back. This was extremely interesting.
‘I see,’ she said finally. ‘I think I better get back to bed.’ She didn’t believe him one bit.
‘Can I take you out for dinner sometime?’
‘I don’t think so.’ She got up.
‘Why not?’
‘I just don’t want to. I’m not really interested in dating right now.’
‘Is it the confession.’
‘No. I don’t really believe you anyway.’
He laughed. ‘Suit yourself. It’s true though.’
‘Whatever makes you feel like a man.’ she started for the door.
‘I’ll take you out at some point. I guarantee that.’
‘Good luck with that. I’m a nightmare. My goal is to end my life, so I don’t know why you’d fancy someone who wants that.’
‘I love a challenge.’
‘You’re delusional.’
‘Very.’ He smiled.
‘Goodbye.’ She headed out without looking back. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with other people’s shit.
Ferguson loved everything about her. He wouldn’t let this one out of his sight. He’d make sure he got to the bottom of what was causing her the distress and help her fix it once and for all. He smiled at the thought before heading out. Their paths would surely meet again.
Chapter Three
A week later Freya was discharged from the hospital. She was well enough to pursue her life again as long as she continued therapy and taking her medication. It was the same as always. She promised, left the hospital and hit the bar as soon as she could.
‘Thanks for meeting me girls,’ she gave her friends a hug.
‘Is this right? I mean you’ve just been discharged,’ said Loretta, her closest friend. She’d been the last one she’d been with before the jump off the bridge.
‘Of course. You know me, I don’t need the hospital.’
‘Yes you do, you almost died!’ said Tasmin. She’d heard the details of what had happened from Amanda.
‘That’s past tense. C’mon, lets order drinks.’
The two looked at each other.
‘If you don’t want to be with me just say so. I don’t need judgement right now.’
‘We love you, we’re just worried about you. You have to take it easy, plus you’ve got your AA meeting.’
‘I know all this. I can handle it.’ She clicked for the waiter to come over and serve them. Freya ordered a double vodka with coke and the other two ordered a glass of wine each. ‘There, was that so hard! It’s on me by the way, so don’t worry your pretty little heads about the bill tonight.’
They were silent.
‘Oh cheer up. Be happy that I’m feeling better.’
‘We are, just making sure you’re okay.’
‘I’m fab, just fabulous,’ she smiled from ear to ear. She pulled her mobile from her handbag and sent a message.
‘Who are you texting?’ asked Loretta.
‘That would be none of your business.’ She giggled.
Her friends couldn’t control her and they didn’t want to abandon her either. They had to accept her for who she was rather than what they wanted her to be. It was a hard pill to swallow, but they knew they couldn’t control the strong and stubborn Freya.
The drinks arrived, and Freya took it down in one gulp, while she held onto the waiters, shirt. ‘Another one of these please, and this time make it quick.’ She slammed the empty glass onto the tray almost toppling it over. The waiter seemed a little agitated. ‘Go on, chop, chop, you’re not paid to stand around.’
He left fuming, but it was his job and he’d encountered worse.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Tasmin had to ask.
‘Oh darling I couldn’t be better.’ She whipped out a ruby coloured lipstick and touched up her lips. ‘I’m on top of the world right now. I’m in control!’ She kissed her lips together as she replaced the lipstick into the handbag. The next drink arrived and she did the same. ‘This time make it two glasses of double vodka.’
The waiter left shaking his head annoyed.
‘Whoa, ta
ke it easy there, player,’ said Tasmin.
‘Since when did you speak like that miss lawyer girl?’ Freya laughed.
‘Since my home girl became a drunk.’
‘I’m not a drunk. Don’t call me that.’
‘Well you’re sure acting like it.’
‘Let it go ladies,’ said Loretta. ‘We’re here to have fun. Not insult each other.’
‘I quite agree.’ She began to swing to the music that was playing in the background. ‘Let’s go and dance!’ she shouted.
‘Not just yet,’ said Loretta.
‘Why the hell not? Live for today!’ she stood up and started for the dance floor without waiting for her friends. They just watched from a distance. Life wasn’t the way it had been. In fact, their friend had changed one night after a night out after their first year of university. It was something Freya never talked about, or let anyone know about, but everyone knew something had happened.
The waiter found her on the dancefloor. She took both glasses, lifted them in the air while she danced, and when the music changed she downed them in two long gulps. She was a hardcore drinker and it would take a lot to make her terribly drunk. Once the music changed to something not to her taste, she headed back to the table with her friends who were still on their first drink.
Freya’s mobile went off. She took a moment to read the message. ‘Excuse me guys a minute.’ She headed outside before they could say a thing. She walked a block down the road and finally into an alley.
‘Hi, Allen,’ she greeted the man.
‘Freya, you well?’
‘Yes. You have my stuff?’
‘For you? Always darling.’
‘Hand it over.’ She pulled out some twenty pound notes and handed them over.
Allen checked to make sure it was the right amount. ‘Great. Here you go!’
‘Excellent. Great doing business with you.’
Freya left him and walked back to the club. She headed straight for the toilet and locked herself in a cubicle. Within seconds the white powder was on a compact mirror and being snorted up into her nose. Freya sat back and looked up at the ceiling while she let the drugs do their magic. Once she was satisfied she took another snort of the white powder and looked up again. As she looked up she smiled. Her world suddenly felt right again. She felt in control again and nothing would defeat her ever again. With that new sense of security Freya left the cubicle on a high. She smiled at the women who had just come in and headed back for her friends.
‘Where are the fucking drinks!’
‘Right, clearly you’re fucked out of your mind,’ said Loretta. ‘I’m calling your sister.’
‘Don’t you dare! I’m fine. I’m just having fun. What’s crawled up your butt and died.’
‘I’m worried about you.’
‘Would everyone just stop worrying about me. Can’t you see, I’m fine and happy. Wouldn’t you rather see me happy?’
‘Yes but happy because you’re really happy not because you’re pumping with drugs.’
‘What makes you think I’m on drugs. Ladies!’
‘It’s so obvious. You’ve been away a good fifteen minutes and you’re as high as a kite.’
‘Fuck you both.’ She headed off to the dance floor where she remained for most of the night. The only thing that forced her home was that the nightclub was closing. As she stumbled out she found her father waiting for her.
‘Dad? What are you doing here?’
‘I’m here to make sure you get home safe that’s all.’ It broke his heart that soon after her discharge she was back to square one, but he had to protect her no matter what. She had to help herself, but he had to make sure she was fine.
‘I’m fine dad.’
‘No you’re not, now come on love.’ He took her by the arm and led her to the car. He turned away and wiped his eyes a moment to make sure she didn’t see he was crying. Crying for his girl. Hoping and praying she’d be okay.
They got to the car five minutes later. Nicholas opened the passenger door and helped Freya in. The minute her head hit the back of the chair she passed out. Nicholas knew that would happen and couldn’t imagine it happening in a taxi. God only knew what would’ve happened. He was grateful to Loretta for calling Amanda, who in turn called him. He would never abandon her no matter how drunk she was or how much it hurt him. He was hopeful that one day she would change.
****
‘Darling, you’re home.’ He shook her gently.
Freya opened her eyes a little confused.
‘You’re home,’ he repeated.
He got out and walked around to her side and helped her out. They walked to the front door.
‘Hand me the key,’ he said.
She fumbled about in her bag.
‘Give me the bag.’ He took it from her. While he looked for the key he found a packet of coke. ‘What’s this?’ he showed it to her.
‘You know what it is dad. Did you find the key?’
‘You need to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why they let you out.’
‘I’m fine dad and you can’t force me to go back.’ She took her bag.
He knew that was true. He took the packet and put it in his pocket to dispose of later. He knew that she’d get a hold of some soon enough, but not tonight. Tonight he would get rid of what she had.
‘You can go home now dad, I’ll be fine,’ she said as she stumbled into the house. He hesitated. ‘I’m fine. Go home!’
‘Okay. Call me.’
She shut the door in his face. He dropped his head into his hand to take a moment. Watching her like that was like taking a beating on the back every single moment of his life. It hurt so much that at times he wished his wife was with him to help carry this heavy burden. He put his hand to the door, then left hoping for the best.
Freya made it halfway up the steps before taking a tumble down them. She lay at the bottom of the stairs gazing up at the ceiling that was circulating. Then she heard it again, just one voice.
‘No, no…I don’t hear you. You’re not here, you can’t hurt me.’ She covered her eyes as if that would help stop the voices.
‘I can see you, you can’t hide from me you bitch!’ the voice echoed.
She sat up and rushed for the kitchen cupboard and pulled the bottle of vodka from the bottom. She took a big gulp and staggered back for the stairs, picking up her bag along the way. This time making it for the bathroom where she kept her medication. Medication she knew she wasn’t supposed to take with alcohol, but desperate times called for desperate measures. With urgency she flipped opened the bottle of pills and took two with the vodka. Next she staggered to the bedroom, flung her bag across the room, kicked off her shoes and fell onto the bed.
‘I will get you, you can’t get away from me you whore!’ the voice continued.
‘No! Please! Leave me alone, leave me alone.’ She pulled on her hair. The more she tried to silence the voices the more they came until they began to fade a little at a time and her eyes shut out the light and everything was dead silent. The voices were gone; Freya had passed out. Everything was peaceful. For now.
****
The ringing phone rudely intruded her dreamless sleep. She opened one eye and felt the sledgehammer headache. ‘God dam it!’ Freya rolled to the side and got her bag.
‘Hello?’
‘Where are you, boss? Client waiting for interview.’
‘What time is it? And what day is it? I thought I was off sick?’
‘But you told me that you wanted to do this interview, boss,’ her assistant Bailey said.
‘Yes… erm five minutes. Get me a driver. I can’t drive. Make it fifteen. Apologise and tell her I’m on my way.’
‘Yes, of course. Fifteen minutes.’
Freya cut the call and rushed for the shower. Her head felt heavy, but she’d cope. She found two ibuprofens in the bathroom cabinet, and also took her medication so she wouldn’t hear any voices during the interview. Six minutes
later Freya was pulling on her black suit with white shirt. It was the easiest to do without thought. The makeup was minimal, which was fine, she didn’t need much, which was a surprise with all the abuse she put her body through. Her hair went into a high bun; it was the easiest thing to do.
Freya looked at the bottle of vodka and picked it up, unscrewed the lid and took a swig. She shut her eyes while it went down her throat warming her. She took another and another until she heard the horn outside. She closed the bottle and found a bag big enough to hide it in.
‘Perfect.’ She felt a little tipsy and headed downstairs.
‘Miss Johnson,’ the driver opened the door.
‘Morning Mark, straight to the office please.’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
Freya had taken another two swigs of the vodka on the way to the office. Mark minded his own business and kept his focus on the road ahead. She pulled out some mint mouth spray and gave her mouth a spray. Then she took out her perfume and sprayed some in the air and allowed it to settle on her clothes giving her a subtle smell instead of an overpowering one.
The car stopped outside the office. She stepped out, straightened up and headed for her building.
‘Boss,’ said Bailey. ‘She’s in the conference room.’
‘Thank you. I’ll take it from here.’ She headed for the conference room. Opened the door and smiled at the woman waiting to be interviewed. ‘Debra, I’m so sorry I’m late. Will you forgive me.’ She put on her charming smile that was hard to resist.
‘Of course, it’s honour to be interviewed by you.’
‘I’m so glad. Do you want something to drink? More coffee? I assume that’s coffee. I’ve done my homework.’ She winked.
‘Erm…no just water.’
‘Great.’ Freya buzzed for water and a cup of coffee which was brought by the office secretary. ‘So shall we begin?’
‘Yes.’ the woman smiled back.
‘Great. I love, just love powerful women like yourself.’
‘I could say the same about you.’ she smiled.
The interview began.
****
As soon as Freya got to her office she pulled the bottle from the handbag and took two swigs. She needed it just to function. There was a knock on the door.
‘Erm…’ She hid the bottle back in the handbag. ‘Enter.’ She sat back.
