THE THREE QUESTIONS YOU NEVER WANT TO ASK AT A COCKTAIL PARTY
Who are you?
Where do you live?
What do you do?
Why? Because asking any of the above will indelibly mark you as an obvious social climber. Of course you need to know the answers to these questions before you waste time on someone who can’t help you, but there are much more polite ways to be rude. We have already told you how to avoid asking people directly who they are by consulting geriatrics, children, and Google. A more gracious way of finding out whether a fellow guest lives, say, in a Fifth Avenue penthouse versus a rent-controlled studio in Staten Island is to ask, “Don’t you live in TriBeCa?” Nine times out of ten, regardless of whether they are residents of TriBeCa, the question will prompt them to tell you exactly where they do live.
As to question #3, “What do you do?,” which, after all, really translates into “How much do you make?,” is more tactfully handled by making a supposition: “Aren’t you in finance?” If you are right, they will proceed to tell you what firm they work for and just how big a big shot they are, and if they are not in finance, they will either be flattered or insulted by your false assumption and proceed to tell you exactly what they do do and why you should be impressed.
There is no need to waste time inquiring whether someone at the cocktail party attended Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, for the simple reason that if they had, they will find an excuse to casually drop that particular of their resume at least twice before you tell them to stop eating all of the cashews out of the mixed nut bowl.
Determining whether someone is a total waste of time takes time. In all of the interactions mentioned above, maintain eye contact; do not gaze over the shoulder of the person you are talking to to look for an even bigger fish. Yes, you must keep your eyes peeled for a better opportunity, but you don’t want to put off possible Sleepers by making them wonder if you’re looking over their shoulders because you are bored or possibly worried federal marshals are about to burst into the room and arrest you.
At a certain point during every urbane cocktail party, the observant climber will notice a group of middle-aged, well-dressed women standing around glancing at their watches impatiently and looking bored while their Big Fish husbands hold forth and tell stale stories their wives can no longer bear to hear, much less laugh at.
The ignored wives of somebodies are an all too often overlooked opportunity for social advancement. Caution: If you are a straight man paying undue attention to the ignored wife, you will alienate the Big Fish husband. Even if they haven’t slept in the same bed for years, even if the Big Fish has arranged for his mistress to attend this cocktail party, the Big Fish, being an alpha male, will still be territorial when it comes to straight strangers flattering their missus. But a Big Fish husband is more than happy to see a young woman or gay man chatting up his wife, if for no other reason than it means he won’t have to hear her complain about being ignored all night when they get home.
If you are a gay man or a heterosexual woman, take advantage of any and all opportunities to become new best friends with the long-suffering wife of a powerful man. Invite the wife to lunch, bring her to your gym, take her on a shopping spree in a part of town where she won’t feel entirely safe. Offer to babysit her children for free. Soon, the ignored wife will be inviting you to their house. Because she’s lonely, she’ll make you an honorary member of the family. Xmas presents, free trips, and job opportunities from hubby will follow. The kiddies will start to call you Auntie or Uncle.
Single women or gay men, if so inclined, are then in the perfect position to put a dying marriage out of its misery by running off with the husband and becoming the next spouse of Mr. Big Fish. This is what we call the Bait and Switch technique.
Regardless of whether that technique is for you, by the end of your first cocktail party (if you follow our instructions), you will have made so many new and useful friends that you will very likely be invited to tag along to an impromptu dinner or after-party.
This spur-of-the-moment get-together will undoubtedly be an occasion where more cocktails will be consumed. Because you might very well end up at a nightclub where there will be still more cocktails, and after getting down with your bad self on the dance floor, you just might be tempted to take a nightcap shot of tequila along with a hit of X, which of course could possibly land you in bed with a person far more socially connected than yourself . . . we urge you to read the following chapter twice before going to your first cocktail party.
SEX AND THE SOCIAL CLIMBER
At some point in your climb you will be tempted to give your most precious gift, yourself, to a Big Fish for one of three reasons: a) an overwhelming physical attraction (unlikely); b) genuine romantic feelings (also unlikely); c) because you think sex will inspire Mr./Ms./Mrs. Big Fish to be nicer to you and therefore do more to help you move up in the world. Regardless of the nature of your desires, there are certain facts of life that have nothing to do with the birds and the bees that you should know.
Yes, for social climbers of any and all genders and regardless of sexual orientation, having sex with a portal to a brighter future—getting nasty with someone vastly more connected and influential than yourself—can take you to the top of the ladder literally overnight. But there are risks other than STDs for the Mountaineer who chooses that method of climbing.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #12
Where sexual desires are concerned, especially when love is involved, you are not in control; your desires control you. Since a good social climber is always in control, sex and worse, love, can lead to potentially fatal missteps.
For those considering making use of sex in their climb, always remember this: The wise climber never makes the first sexual overture to a Big Fish. We say that not because we are prudish or old-fashioned, but simply because if they are a Big Fish, and you’re a guppy, particularly if you are a very young and attractive guppy and they are old and scaly, if you hit on them first, they will be prone to suspect that you are interested in them for reasons other than their body.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #13
A social climber should never seem like a golddigger, especially if he or she is one.
Be meek, coy, modest, claim to be a semivirgin, swear you’ve never taken a shower before with anyone in your life. Even if they don’t believe it, they’ll find it exciting to hear you say it.
What to do when the Big Fish hits on you? Every Mountaineer has to decide for themselves when it’s right to say yes, no, and maybe. First and foremost, social climbers should never allow anyone to put them in a situation where they feel pressured or obligated to have sex. Even if the Big Fish has given you a job, a Ferrari, or a ten-carat diamond, you still have the right to say no. Though perhaps if you’ve been given all three, it might be wise to say, “Maybe someday I’ll feel that way about you, but for right now, let’s just keep on being friends.”
Surprisingly, in general there are far more reasons to say no than yes to sex. If you are less than gorgeous/subhandsome, i.e., the average person, you know that sex can be a beautiful thing . . . but often, it is not. Because Big Fish of both sexes possess large egos to hide equally oversized insecurities, if you sleep with a Big Fish, and the sex is bad/awkward/weird or fails to end in liftoff for the Big Fish, who is most likely to be blamed for the disappointment? YOU!
Even if your Big Fish has the honesty to admit that he’s always been a premature ejaculator, or confessed the closest thing she’s ever had to an orgasm occurred in a previous life, chances are they will be so embarrassed by their confession they not only won’t want to try having sex with you again, they won’t want to see you again, i.e., you won’t be invited to their next party.
Now if the sex is great for the Big Fish but leaves you feeling less than satisfied, or as if you’ve just been slimed by a giant slug, you will be in an even worse position. Why? Because now the Big Fish is going to want to have sex with you again, and again, and again. Inst
ead of taking you to those fantastic parties that enabled you to meet the Big Fish’s even Bigger Fish friends, your Big Fish is going to want to keep you all to him- or herself so he/she can have more sex. Say good-bye to all those glamorous dinners at chic restaurants where you could table hop. You will find yourself trapped in romantic rendezvous in out-of-the-way, dimly lit bistros, or worse, staying in and having takeout and yes, more sex. In short, don’t set yourself up to be a sore loser . . . literally.
Surprising but true, that small minority of readers who are above average in physical appearance or drop-dead gorgeous/Adonis handsome often find themselves in an even more abusive and disadvantaged position. Beautiful women who refuse to have sex with an ardent male Big Fish, who have the self-respect and honesty to say a simple “No, thank you,” are nine times out of ten subsequently told that they are cold, heartless bitches and/or lesbians. Which isn’t so bad if you are a lesbian. Except if that is the case, the rejected Big Fish will then pester you to let him watch while you have sex with one of his girlfriends.
Similarly, when an extremely handsome man declines the sexual overtures of a female Big Fish, he of course is immediately labeled “gay.” Which sometimes might be the case. But even if you are extremely handsome and gay and the Big Fish is gay and you say, “Thanks but no thanks” to having him for dinner, you, like the beautiful woman, will also be called a “bitch.”
The safest and surest way to avoid landing in a sexual position that could either jeopardize or sidetrack social advancement is to put yourself from the get-go in a position where you won’t ever have to say yes, no, or maybe. How do you do that? Simple. The first time the subtext of sex comes up, simply say, “I’d love to, but I just had this surgical procedure. . . .” Make it clear that it’s nothing contagious or so serious as to force you to close shop forever. Just a small plumbing problem that will rule out any attempt at intercourse for the next six months. In the meantime, you’ll be free to flirt, flatter, and kiss as many frogs as necessary to get where you want to go.
We strongly suggest that those readers who still think they have what it takes to climb the ladder via a series of sexual conquests go back to the mirror and remove their clothes. If after a second naked, hard look at yourself, you are still convinced you have the physical assets and moral elasticity to screw your way to the top, hats off to you and remember the following:
a) While many Big Fish of both sexes will be impressed if you have had an affair with the likes of Mick Jagger, Rihanna, Tom Cruise, Rachel Maddow, or Taylor Swift, and will be intrigued by your previous romantic attachment to someone richer and more powerful than themselves, boasting you had a quickie in the bathroom stall of a nightclub with such luminaries will be decidedly less impressive.
b) Never admit to anyone, much less yourself, that you had sex with someone to gain entrée, access, or a free ride on a G7.
c) Social climbers don’t sleep around, they simply fall in love easily with men and/or women who by mere coincidence always seem to be very rich, very famous, and/or very generous.
An informative role model for our female readers who want to Mountaineer while remaining horizontal is Pamela Harriman, aka the Whale Huntress.
Marriage #1: At nineteen, Harriman is set up on a blind date with Winston Churchill’s son, Randolph; she tells him he will recognize her because she is “chubby.” Despite the fact that Randolph is known for getting drunk and asking all of his first dates to marry him, three days later they are officially engaged.
Moral: Great social climbers do not let average looks or the substance abuse problems of their mates get in the way of a good ride. Also, they do not stop dating up the food chain just because they are married. . . .
Affairs While Married to Randolph
Averell Harriman—Union Pacific heir.
Jock Whitney—Owner of the New York Herald Tribune.
Bill Paley—President of CBS.
Edward R. Murrow—World-renowned journalist.
Moral: A great social climber who is married does not stop trying to move up in the world. (Unfortunately, Pamela was unable to get any of the above boyfriends to leave their wives.)
Affairs After Divorcing Randolph
Gianni Agnelli—Heir to the Fiat automotive fortune.
Marquis Alfonso de Portago—Spanish millionaire, playboy, and race car driver.
Prince Aly Khan—Millionaire racehorse owner and future husband of Rita Hayworth.
Stavros Niarchos—Greek shipping tycoon.
Baron Élie de Rothschild—Heir to the French banking fortune.
Frank Sinatra—(This affair cannot be confirmed, but he was definitely in her “friend” group.)
Moral: A great social climber knows that once you sleep with one Whale, other Whales will want to sleep with you, too.
Marriage #2: Harriman marries Leland Heyward, legendary Broadway producer of such hits as South Pacific. Unfortunately, when Heyward dies, Pamela is horrified to discover that after she had actually been faithful to him, he left half of his meager fortune to his children by his previous marriage.
Moral: Even great social climbers experience setbacks.
Marriage #3: Pamela discovers the third time is truly lucky. Averell Harriman, the Whale who got away, marries her six months after his wife dies. His fortune enables her to become the number one fund-raiser for the Democratic Party. Young Whale president Bill Clinton thanks her for her largess by making her ambassador to France. Befitting one of the greatest Mountaineers ever, she dies swimming laps in the pool of the Ritz Hotel in Paris. As was once said of Harriman, “She was a world expert on rich men’s bedroom ceilings.”
Moral: If you don’t succeed at first, try, try, and try again.
A thought-provoking role model for our male readers who think they have what it takes to sleep their way to the top is Porfirio “Rubi” Rubirosa, aka the Pepper Grinder. Whereas Pamela was a master technician, a courtesan who knew how to make the most of her assets, Rubi was a natural sexual athlete.
Rubi’s wives included the daughter of Rafael Trujillo, president of the Dominican Republic, and two of richest women in the world, tobacco heiress Doris Duke and Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton. It’s not what he received in his divorce settlements that make him special, though he was given a B-25 bomber that had been customized into a flying hotel suite, a seventeenth-century mansion in Paris, and a coffee plantation in the Dominican Republic. What makes Rubi a role model is that while servicing rich women he had the staying power to satisfy an endless list of sex goddesses from Marilyn Monroe to Zsa Zsa Gabor. How did he keep it up, you ask? He had a God-given gift for riding more than just polo ponies and race cars.
To the male readers who have taken off their clothes and looked in the mirror and still think they can follow Rubi’s footsteps into the boudoir, know that his popularity with grateful and generous ladies was due in no small part to the fact that his penis was so large it earned him the nickname the Pepper Grinder, that is, the twenty-four-inch, two-handed model that French waiters to this day still refer to as “Rubirosas.” No question, Rubi deserves an asterisk in the record book due to the fact that he climbed so many mountains pre Viagra.
Moral: Social climbing is all about maximizing your human potential.
Note: Gentlemen who think they can sleep their way to the top à la Rubi should also recognize the cruel truth that it is far harder for a man to fake a convincing orgasm than it is for a woman.
Rarer than being blessed with a pepper grinder at birth is the one-in-a-million chance that you will turn out to be the kind of social climber who meets your first Big Fish, falls in love, and has genuinely fantastic sex. But if the dice do happen to roll that way for you, we urge you to ask yourself the question every social climber should consider when they look at the person next to them in bed: “Is this really the best I can do for me?”
Social climbers never settle for less than what they deserve.
It’s important to add that those readers who
do not have or like sex should feel neither left out nor disadvantaged—some of the most successful social climbers are in fact asexual. Not being a slave to your hormones, undistracted by the biological urge to procreate, you will be able to focus your entire mind and body on what’s truly important—friends who will enrich your life and lead to friendships that will bring you so much entrée, acceptance, and power in your own right that other people will want to suck up to you.
If romance isn’t in the running, you won’t be viewed as competition with straight, gay, bi, lesbian, or transgender Big Fish. And thus, you will be more trusted. Said Big Fish will seek out your unbiased opinion of their boyfriends, girlfriends, potential wives, fiancés, etc. The truly asexual can be objective and serve as an all-purpose beard. How you can take maximum advantage of this trust will be covered in our Networking chapter.
We live in a changing world. Socially ambitious men who provide escort to society women, whose husbands are either dead, away on business, or seeing their mistresses, aka Walkers, were once almost exclusively gay. Today, in a throwback to the times where eunuchs ruled the sultan’s harem, the job of Walker is often best filled by the genuinely asexual.
Everyone makes mistakes; when you wake up next to one, do not panic.
Merely gather your clothes quickly and explain that you’d love to linger but you have to get home and change for an important meeting. Most important, if anyone later asks how your evening with the Big Fish went, leave out the disappointing sexual details and simply say, “He was fantastic!”—Big Fish always appreciate those who provide false advertising.
The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile Page 6
