by Lulu Pratt
Lara sighs and shakes her head. “It was like being stabbed. It really felt that way. When I left the house that day… it felt as if I had two knives in my back. I wasn’t even sure I could breathe. Do you really think I should have been forced to go through that every time I went to a family gathering?”
I try to imagine it. As much as Alexis’ pain over losing her sister got to me, I have to admit that neither of us, really, ever thought that Lara had really, truly been hurt. Or at least, I didn’t. I’d thought that Lara was just being petty, that she was bitter and resentful. That she was trying to make Alexis pay.
Even now I can’t quite believe that it could have possibly hurt Lara that much to see her ex-boyfriend with her sister. I can’t imagine it, really. But obviously she believes it.
“We wanted to reconnect with you all along. Alexis especially,” I say.
“Well, want in one hand, spit in the other. I think you wanted the impossible…” Lara smiles wryly, and we both lapse into silence.
“Let’s talk about something else for a while,” I suggest.
Lara agrees, and we start talking about Riley’s new words, about the traffic on the expressway, about anything — anything, except the complicated mess that our relationships have become.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lara
“You can set up your station right over there in the shade,” I tell the face-painter. I figure that since all her patrons, the guests at Riley’s party, are going to be sitting for a long time, the shade will be a better idea. It’s unseasonably warm for fall, and with the first spate of autumn rain thankfully behind us, it’s bright and sunny for Riley’s party.
Ethan and I had booked a space at a park in our old town, central for everyone who would be coming to the party. Dad had tried to convince us to have the birthday in his backyard, the way Ethan and Alexis had her first birthday, but that seemed to me to be risking the accusation that we weren’t being impartial, or at least that I wasn’t.
Dad is pushing Riley on one of the toddler swings, and Ethan is helping put up decorations around the little sheltered area we’ve taken. The party should be starting in about an hour, and between all the details, I’m feeling like it will either be a big success or a massive failure in some critical way. The cake is safely stowed in a cooler, and a caterer is setting up her hot and cold trays on a table.
“How’s this, Lara?”
I look up to see Ethan, perched on the top of the latter, gesturing to the bunting he’s been hanging around the shelter.
“Looks good!” I call back. I take another glance around the spot we’ve reserved and decide that things are as prepared as they’re going to be before people start arriving. I head back to my car to freshen up a bit, and start thinking about the oddness of the whole situation.
After carefully asking around, I’ve found out that most of the people who went to the same school as Ethan and I believe that we’re in the process of reconciling. I’m not sure how to feel about that, especially since Ethan and I have been talking more and more about the whole sordid situation between him, me and Alexis. Part of me wonders if the people who knew us all in high school have something figured out that I don’t, while another part of me keeps screaming, every time I even think about getting back together with Ethan, even just as an intellectual thing, that Ethan will just break my heart again if I do.
“You looking to pick someone up at this thing?”
I glance away from my flip-down mirror to see Ethan standing a few feet away from my car, looking at me in amusement.
“Oh please. I’m not so pathetic that I’m going to try to flirt with people at my niece’s birthday party,” I say tartly.
“I’m just saying you look good, especially now that you’ve cleaned up a bit,” Ethan says, looking me up and down.
I roll my eyes and finish touching up my lip color.
“You’re not supposed to be looking at me,” I say. I can’t explain, even to myself, why I feel so irritable. Some combination of the pressure I’m putting on myself to make this happen, the knowledge that apparently a good dozen people think that Ethan and I are going to get back together, and worries that everyone is going to keep talking about my sister all day.
“Why not? There’s nothing wrong with looking. I thought we’d just agreed not to get physical,” Ethan quietly says. I flip the mirror back up and turn around in the driver’s seat, putting my feet on the ground and staring at my brother-in-law.
“I’m not going to set myself up to get hurt again,” I tell him.
“What?” Ethan frowns. “What are you talking about?”
I shake my head.
“Now is not the time to have this conversation. People are going to start arriving in like, thirty minutes,” I say.
“So, thirty minutes from now is not the time, then. You can’t just say something like that and expect me not to want you to explain,” Ethan counters.
“You broke my heart, Ethan. Do you really expect me to jump right back into the fire after I’ve been burned?”
“Why do you think I’m going to hurt you? And how the hell did I break your heart? You broke up with me, remember?”
“Were you always attracted to her?” I cross my arms over my chest. “And everyone who comes today is going to be thinking about how I shut her out of my life for so long, and how petty it was, or something like that.”
“If it wasn’t petty why should that bother you?” Ethan gestures broadly with his hands.
“Because I’m going to have to stand around with a smile plastered on my face for the next two hours pretending like I don’t know they’re all whispering to each other about me,” I say firmly.
“Call them out! What the hell is wrong with that?” Ethan shakes his head.
“What’s wrong with that is that I’m not about to make my niece’s second birthday party all about me. It’s bad enough that everyone’s going to try to make it about her dead mom,” I tell him.
“Then why did you even plan this enormous thing?” Ethan’s gestures get broader and he points to the shelter, the pony off to the side, the face painter setting up, all the things we’d discussed and finally agreed on.
“Because her birthday is important, and I want her to have a good day,” I reply.
“And she’s going to have a good day while you’re bitching to yourself the whole time about how everyone’s going to think you’re petty for cutting her mother out of your life?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, and I feel my anger building into a head of steam inside of me. I can barely contain it.
“We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if you’d managed to just stay the hell away from my sister,” I say, the words leaving me almost before I can fully think them.
“Oh, Jesus Christ. I slept with your sister. She got pregnant. We got married and had a baby. You’re complaining about how everyone’s going to make this about you and Alexis and here you are doing that already!”
“No! I’m making this about you, because it is about you,” I counter, standing up and barely managing to keep myself from slamming my car door shut.
“Why the hell is it about me?” Ethan stares at me.
“Everyone’s trying to figure out if you and I are going to get back together now that Alexis is dead, and they’re going to be thinking how screwed up this whole thing is, and it’s all because you couldn’t just move on with your life after we broke up and just… ran to my sister, or something,” I say, managing, at the last moment, to keep my voice under a shout.
“You’re the one who can’t move on with your life,” Ethan counters.
“I am?”
Ethan laughs bitterly. “You pushed Alexis and me both out of your life. If you had such an issue with me dating someone else, why did you break up with me? We were over.” Ethan shakes his head.
“If you really wanted to move on with your life, why did you fuck her in the first place? Why didn’t you just avoid everyone connected with me?” I cross my
arms over my chest and pin Ethan down with a stare.
“Why should I do that?” Ethan shakes his head again.
“I did it, why couldn’t you?” I feel my eyes stinging and I blink a few times, looking away from Ethan. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ruin my mascara right before people start coming to the party. I’m not about to sit in my car and try to fix it, either. I take a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves and get my temper under control.
“It’s going to be fine,” Ethan says.
I close my eyes for a moment and take another deep breath.
“Let’s just focus on the party. Maybe we should give each other some space,” I tell him, opening my eyes and meeting his gaze.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ethan agrees. I check to make sure I have my key fob and then lock the car, and turn away from him to go back to where the party will start in a matter of minutes.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ethan
“Riley’s getting so big,” one of Alexis’ friends from high school, Giselle, says, beaming at me as she bites into a nugget of fried macaroni and cheese.
“She really is,” I agree, nodding. There are a handful of men at my daughter’s birthday party, but most of them are related to her. I was only able to convince two guys from work to come out for the thing, and I can’t really talk to them about what’s on my mind.
“It’s good to see her so happy,” Giselle adds.
“I’m glad we could put this together for her. She deserves it,” I tell her, falling back on what I know is the polite thing to say.
“It must have been tense for you and Lara to figure out how to manage it all,” Giselle says.
Almost against my will, I glance across the shelter, where Lara’s chatting with the couple of work friends she convinced to come to the party.
“Not really, once we figured out what our budget was going to be, it was pretty easy,” I say.
“I mean, I know I went out of my mind on Leo when we were planning the twins’ birthday,” Giselle says. “I can’t imagine working with someone who isn’t even your spouse on something like this.”
“I think it’s actually easier,” I tell her, trying to find a way out of the conversation. I have to admit, even if I hate it, that Lara had a point in her big blow up right before the party started. Everyone seems to be hinting at Alexis or her death, or the prior connection that Lara and I had, without coming right out and saying anything directly.
“I’m glad to hear that you two are working out how to take care of Riley together,” Giselle says.
I do my polite smiling nod again and look around.
“She’s been really great with Riley, but we knew she would be. That’s why we included it in the will,” I say absently.
“It does seem a little weird to me that Alexis would insist on Lara taking care of Riley if you’re still alive, even,” Giselle says.
I shrug off the question. “She knew how much Lara loves Riley, and she figured that Riley would need a steady, motherly presence in her life and a connection to her mother’s family. The death of Alexis’ mother last year made us realize the importance of family and that a connection was needed. Her death also spurred us get our own affairs in order, especially as we had Riley to think about,” I say. It’s almost word-for-word the reasoning that we agreed on for the will. There’s no reason for Giselle to know anything else about why Alexis wanted things to be the way they are.
“I guess you probably aren’t dating much. I know Lara hasn’t, or at least no one’s heard of her dating much,” Giselle says.
“We’re both way too busy with working and taking care of Riley for anything like that,” I say, and I hope that she takes the message underneath my words. That we’re not getting back together with each other, either.
A lot of people seem to think it’s just going to happen, but they don’t want to actually say it. And of course, Lara dropped some kind of mention of something like that in our fight before the party, but I’d thought she was crazy then. Not anymore. It’s totally ridiculous that anyone would think that there’s some plan for me and Lara to get back together, but I can, kind of, at least, see why. But I can also see why Lara’s been keeping her distance from me even more than she strictly has to, all during the party.
“Okay everyone! It’s cake time!” Lara calls out.
I say a little silent prayer of thanks as Lara summons everyone back to the main table, where the caterer is bringing out the cake, topped with two sparklers and a big number two birthday candle. The caterer’s assistant lights everything and my mom brings Riley to the table as we all start singing happy birthday.
Everyone makes space for Lara and me to stand together and I keep my smile on my face as we finish singing to Riley.
“Blow out the candle, baby doll,” I say, and Riley frowns for a second in confusion and then does it, beaming once everyone cheers her. The caterers carefully take out the candle and the spent sprinklers, and start carving up the cake, and I drift away from Lara before anyone can think anything is going on between us.
We’re definitely going to have to talk, really talk, after the fight we had, but for the time being it’s best for both of us to avoid each other as much as possible. So, we make sure that Riley gets the first slice of the big cake, and my dad takes pictures as she digs into it with a combined attack using her hand and a spoon, and I accept my own slice to eat.
The party finally starts to wind down and we manage to get Riley to sit still long enough to open her presents. Lara occupies herself bringing the presents to Riley and I sit next to my little girl, helping her while everyone watches the three of us. It feels like they’re all waiting for something to happen, and I guess in a way I am too. But there’s no way I’m going to talk to Lara unless I absolutely have to, apart from being just generally pleasant to her. There’s just too much going on.
At last, the party’s over, at least formally. Everyone’s starting to head out now that the presents are opened and the cake is gone. Some of Alexis’ and my friends hang out a bit longer to get their kids good and tired out so they’ll nap on the car ride home, and I hang out off to the side, waiting for time to clean up.
Lara’s not even waiting, though. She starts clearing as soon as people begin leaving, talking to the caterer about what to do with leftovers and all that. It’s like she can’t stand to sit still, and I can understand.
“You two carried this party off really well,” one of Alexis’ friends, Jess, says to me as she sits down. “I offered to help but Lara said she has it under control.”
I laugh a bit. “Yeah, that’s her all right,” I agree.
“How much of the party was her and how much was you?”
I shrug off the question. “We contributed pretty evenly at the end of the day,” I say.
“This is even bigger than Riley’s first birthday,” Jess points out. I can hear a tone in her voice, but I don’t know what it is.
“Well, she’s more likely to remember this one, after all,” I tell her.
“True, and after losing her mom like that it’s probably good for her to have a big, fun blowout like this,” Jess muses.
“We figured it would be a good way to kind of show that life goes on, that we’re all kind of… we miss Alexis, but we’re putting one foot in front of the other.” I’ve told probably a dozen people this over the course of the past two hours, but it feels less like we’re putting one foot in front of another and more like we keep tripping over the same step over and over again. Not that it’s anyone’s business.
“Smart,” Jess says. I glance at her, and there’s something on her face that I don’t have any idea how to read.
“We’re all kind of settling in,” I say, just for the sake of saying something.
“I’ll bet you’ll be wanting to get out there, not right away, of course, but eventually. Find someone to share the daily responsibilities and all that,” Jess says.
I raise an eyebrow at that. “I’
m not in any real hurry. I can’t replace Alexis, you know?” I hope that Jess goes to all of Alexis’ friends and tells my dead wife’s whole circle that I’m not in a rush to get involved with anyone, not even Lara. I’m more than a little shaken at the idea that half our friends from school seem to think I’ve forgotten Alexis so soon.
“It’s got to be stressful though,” Jess says.
I shrug again. “Lara’s great with Riley and has her about half the week. My parents and Nathan are chipping in too. We’re eventually going to have to sort things out more permanently, but we’re all taking our time to grieve.”
“Just make sure you’re not in a hurry about anything, even just making sure Riley is in preschool or whatever. Take your time,” Jess says.
I smile wryly at her.
“I don’t need that advice, but I appreciate the concern. I should help Lara,” I say, more to get away from her than anything else.
Lara stiffens a bit when I walk up and I’m glad most of the people at the party have already left. I look around a bit to make sure no one’s eavesdropping, at least obviously, and hold out my hand to her. She shakes it, giving me a confused look.
“The party came off well,” I say.
Lara relaxes. “I managed to dodge most of the questions,” she says, smiling wryly.
“We need to have another sit-down talk soon. We can’t fight like we did earlier,” I tell her lowly.
“Once we’ve settled back in after this party,” Lara says.
“Definitely. We’ll get the grandparents to take her for a night and just hash everything out, once and for all,” I agree.
“In the meantime, do you want to take down the bunting? I can do it, but the ladder scares me a bit.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I can do that,” I tell her, and go to get the ladder to get to work. At least if I’m working on taking decorations down, people will leave me alone, which is what I want right now.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
