“Let me go, Johnny,” I finally break the never ending silence.
“Not yet, Noles.”
“Go back on tour,” I order him with conviction in my voice.
“We’re on a three-week break,” he tells me.
I’d been lost in the fog for so long that I’d forgotten Rich and Ryan’s cousin Julie was getting married. I’d also forgotten I promised Jimmy I’d go as his date. As the fog lifts, I also realize Johnny didn’t leave tour in search of me. He waited until it was convenient. He waited until the band had a break. Some fucking love, yeah?
“Then go home.”
“Just another minute,” he pleads.
I fortify the walls around my heart, bring my palms up to his chest, and push him off of me with more force than I really needed. Despair and surprise flicker through his eyes.
“Not another minute. Go home. You don’t get to call all the shots anymore. I’m going to bed, and I don’t want to see you right now. I gave you one day. I gave you eventually. It’s all I have left to give you. You take what I can fucking give or don’t. At this point, I couldn’t care less. But when I tell you to let me go, leave, or go home, I mean it. It’s not a fucking negotiation. It’s time you start respecting that, or don’t fucking come around.”
He swallows hard, “I don’t want to be here.”
“Then go home,” I say with a harshness in my voice.
“No. I don’t want to be here with you. I don’t want us to be here, where I can’t fucking touch you. I can’t fucking talk to you. I can’t…”
“No, you can’t. My own screams haunt me, Johnny. I was screaming for you. I was screaming for you to love me and begging for you not to leave me. You did it anyways. You weren’t there to pick up the pieces of my heart. No one was. But seeing you tonight made me realize I don’t need you to put my heart back together. I can do it all on my own. I’m done with this shit.”
I walk away from him and expect him to follow me, but he doesn’t. I crash into my bed and let the sobs wrack through my body as I cry myself to sleep. This time the tears are cleansing. They feel like a rebirth after the last few months I’ve spent in utter despair. Tomorrow, I start living again. Maybe I just needed to see him for what he really is before I could move on.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Four Days Later
“Noely!” Jimmy yells through the door.
I smile and leap from my chair to answer the door. I throw it open and lunge for the big brute of a man.
“You’re okay,” he breathes into my neck.
“Yeah. I’m okay, Jim.”
“Had me worried, Noles.”
“I’m sorry. I had to get through the storm,” I apologize.
He holds me tightly for a few moments longer and then sets me on my feet so we can both enter my apartment. We decide to go out for lunch and catch up. He tells me about the road and I avoid giving him too much detail about the hell I lived through after he brought me home from L.A. I try to keep the conversation completely away from the topic after I give him somewhat of an explanation, but I make sure he knows where I am now and that I’m truly okay.
We spend the day walking around Brooklyn and talking to familiar faces we run into. He tells me about the bachelor party he’s attending for Julie’s fiancée Brock, and I tell him about what the bridal party has planned for Julie’s night. I’m actually excited to get out and attend the bachelorette party. Sabrina and Roxy are joining me, which we’re all excited about since I’ve been a hermit for so many months.
The sun begins to set as we step into Saul’s for a beer and to say hi to the ornery old man.
“No fighting, Crawford,” Saul greets us as we step into the nearly empty bar.
“Where the fuck is everyone?” Jimmy asks.
“It’s Tuesday,” Saul answers.
“People can’t drink on Tuesdays?” I ask.
“Why don’t you come see me when these guys are out of town? You’re much prettier to look at,” Saul smiles at me.
“You’re like the only person he’s ever nice to,” Jimmy says.
Saul retorts, “I’d be nice to you too, if you were that easy on the eyes and flashed that award-winning smile at me. But you’re ugly as hell. Plus, Noely don’t ever break shit by fighting in my bar.”
I laugh as Jimmy feigns hurt.
“What can I get the prettiest girl in Brooklyn?” Saul asks.
We order a beer and Saul loosens up like he usually does when it’s just us shooting the shit. We laugh and Jimmy and I dance to a few songs. I even dance one song with Saul.
Around midnight, Saul closes up the empty bar.
Jimmy turns to us both, “Let’s go listen to the guys in the studio.”
Saul tries to hide his smile, but I catch a glimpse of it.
“Let’s go,” I say so Saul can hopefully smile more than he usually does.
We walk a few blocks to the studio and follow Jimmy inside. All three guys are in the control room, but Rich and Ryan jump when they see me. They embrace me in hugs and Johnny joins the group to give Saul a handshake.
I take the seat furthest away from Johnny, but I watch and listen as they play and put together a new song. It feels like old times and the nostalgia has me smiling.
“They wouldn’t be here without you,” Saul says.
I look to where he sits next me and smile, “Nah, they would’ve made it on their own.”
“Maybe,” he counters.
“He’s right,” Johnny says and I look up to find his serious eyes on me.
I break eye contact, “You guys would’ve made it on your own. You have the talent and the drive.”
Ryan rolls a chair over to me and catches up with me, avoiding all the questions that he wants to ask about my life since he last saw me in L.A. I smile easily with him to let him know I’m okay. He starts cracking jokes about Jimmy and Rich which make me laugh like hell. I jump in on the banter, but Saul ends up taking over the entire conversation and roasts everyone in the room with the exception of me.
“You gonna roast, Noe?” Ryan asks.
“You see any flaws in that girl?” Saul asks him and Ryan throws his hands up in surrender.
“No,” Johnny answers immediately.
I ignore him.
“You guys hungry?” I ask.
Every single one of them answer in the affirmative so I announce that I’m getting pizza and leave the control room to exit the studio. I feel his hand on my arm before I open the outside door.
“Let me help you,” Johnny says.
“No. I’m fine,” I reply without turning around to look at him.
“I know you. You’ll get five pizzas. Let me help you carry them back,” he asks softly.
“I said I’m fine.”
“Noely, I can help you carry pizzas,” his voice pleads with me.
I turn on him, “I said NO! I told you what I want isn’t up for negotiation anymore. I said no, now step the fuck off!”
He takes a step back, surprised by my anger towards him. Moisture fills his eyes, but I turn on my heel and stomp through Brooklyn to the all night pizzeria. I order the five pizzas still full of fury that he won’t fucking listen to me. He didn’t listen when I asked him not to tell anyone about Tony. He didn’t listen when I told him there would always be someone else. He didn’t listen when I begged for him to stay. He didn’t listen to me screaming how much I loved him. He didn’t listen when I asked him to leave my apartment the other night, and when he left by police escort he still returned. He didn’t listen when I said I didn’t want to talk or dance. He wouldn’t let me go into the stairwell, because once again, he won’t fucking listen to me.
By the time I carry the hot pizzas back to the studio, I still haven’t been able to reel in my temper. Jimmy answers the door when I buzz in and gives me a frown. I walk past him into the control room and plop the pizzas on a nearby table. I do it with such force that the i
tems on the table crash loudly to the floor. I turn around to find five pairs of eyes looking at me with caution.
“Eat,” I announce, wipe my hands off, shoot them all a glare of death, and then walk out of the control room to leave the studio.
“Noely,” Johnny runs after me.
“Johnny, don’t,” Jimmy interferes.
“Noe!” Johnny calls after me again.
“Let her go,” Rich warns but from the sound of their voices they’re all following me.
Fuck my life.
I hear them arguing with each other behind me and Johnny continues to call my name long after I’m out on the street headed for my apartment.
“Johnny, let’s go back to the studio,” Ryan begs him.
Johnny finally catches up with me. His hand finds the crook of my elbow and pulls my back to his chest. He wraps his arms around my body to keep me from escaping.
Through his pants of breath, he says, “Just stop. Please.”
I don’t even fight against his hold. It’s useless. So, I stand there with his arms around me and try to swallow down how fucking good it feels.
“Johnny, what are you doing?” Rich asks.
“I just want to fucking talk to her for a second!” he yells and then places a kiss at my temple.
I remain quiet while I wait for him to say what he needs to say to me. I can feel his own emotion roaring around me. They zip around me and through me. I can feel his own anger, hurt, and desire. Maybe it’s only my emotions that I feel. Maybe they’re so overwhelming that I only hope it’s him and not me I feel.
As his breathing starts to calm down, he turns me around and holds me by the shoulders.
“Noely…” he begins.
His blue eyes break my heart all over again, but I let the anger reign free. I push him away from me and watch him stagger backward.
“No! I gave you one day. I gave you eventually. Four days isn’t one day and it isn’t eventually either. You don’t fucking listen to me, goddammit!” I scream at him.
“Noe,” Rich approaches us.
“No. Stay the fuck out of it!” I scream at him too, but I never take my eyes off Johnny.
“I gave you what I had to give. It wasn’t enough was it? You’ve always had everything you ever wanted and like a child, you can’t stand to be told “no”! I’m telling you no. No more! I can’t take anymore. I don’t have any more to give you right now! You have to fucking accept that!” I sob through my screams.
“I haven’t always gotten what I wanted, Noe. If I had gotten everything I ever wanted, we wouldn’t be here right now. Not like this,” Johnny responds quietly.
“Fuck you!” I scream and push him.
Jimmy, Ryan, and Saul step closer to us, joining Rich at Johnny’s back.
“You had your chance to have me! I was screaming and crying for you! I was fucking pathetic! I begged you not to leave me! I begged over and over again! You could’ve had me! You could’ve had me,” my voice breaks. I take a step back and attempt to regulate my breathing. “You threw me away.”
“No!” he screams back at me.
“You did. You threw me away,” I say and then wipe my face on my shirt.
“Bullshit! I was trying to protect you! You know that!” he screams.
“How’d that work out for me?” I ask him with a scoff and shaky voice.
He stares at me with no reply.
“I cried in Ryan and Jimmy’s arms for hours after you walked out that door. I won’t let you do that to me again. You can’t have me anymore, because you threw me away, just like my father did,” I say and turn to walk home.
“I didn’t throw you away! There wasn’t a fucking second that passed by that I wasn’t miserable. You were on my mind every fucking minute of the day, Noe. I love you,” his voice hitches.
I turn around to see all the men staring at me, “I don’t need your love.”
“Fuck that!” Johnny screams and jogs towards me.
I take a few steps back, but it’s useless. He grabs my face in his hands and pushes his lips against mine. He wastes no time pushing his tongue into my mouth. I go along with it for a few seconds because it feels so good, but common sense overtakes me and I push him off me.
“Don’t ever do that again,” I warn him and wipe my swollen lips against my shirt sleeve.
“Johnny, come on, man,” Ryan calls from behind him.
Johnny softly speaks to me, “You may not love me anymore and you may not understand why I walked away, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. You can call all the shots you want, Noely baby, but you can’t stop me from loving you. You’ll never be able to make me stop.”
He swallows hard and then takes several steps backward before he turns on his heel and walks back toward the studio.
PART II:
JOHNNY
Sixteen Months Ago
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tonight is the biggest turn out we’ve ever had at Saul’s. We’ve already been approached by several record executives who want to sign us, but none of them felt right. Blood Feather has been a big deal in the New York area for a few years now and we’re ready to take it to the next level, but the terms have to be right. Me, Rich, and Ryan refuse to be turned into a band we’re not. We just want to make our own music.
I strum the chord of the last song and look down to find Noely at the front of the stage dancing her ass off. I smile down at her even though she isn’t paying me any attention. We launch into the song and I cast a smile at Rich on the bass and Ryan on the drums and then look back down at her. She sings every word to the song and screams out for us when there are no words. I can’t help but look at Noely. She’s fucking beautiful.
If you’re looking for a story where I tell you she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, you’ve got the wrong guy. The thing is, I’ve fucked a lot of women. I’ve fucked a lot of beautiful women. Chicks go crazy over the tattoos and the musician thing and if they’re going to throw it at me, well, it makes it difficult to say no. I’m a one-time guy though, unless a girl show’s some unusual talent in the sack. Then, I might revisit that particular experience one or two more times, tops. I don’t get tied down to women. They don’t come home with me and I don’t call. Hell, it’s not like they give a shit. Half of them just want to be able to say they fucked me.
It sounds lonely, I know. But it’s not, because everything they can’t give me, I already have with someone else… Noely. The one thing I can’t have from her; I get from them. Noe is clueless that this is how my life operates. I play my music and she’s there like she has always been. I write my music and she’s either ingrained in most of the lyrics or she’s right beside me when I write them. Most of the time she’s at our practices and shows. She rarely misses either. Before she graduated from college, she was with us every day. She managed every aspect of the band and got us to where we are now. So, I fuck the faceless and nameless women who offer themselves up, and then I clean their smell off me and find Noely. I spend the rest of the night with her often wishing what I had just done had been with her. So, I’m not the guy who will tell you she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, but I can tell you that I’m a coward. I’ve spent most of our friendship in love with her, and I’ve not done a damn thing about it.
I’m a pussy when it comes to her. Most people think I’m a magnet for women, and maybe I’m charming, but I’m not. The only woman I’ve ever really wanted is off limits. We’ve been friends since middle school, and she’s lived with me off-and-on since she was twelve. She was dealt a shit hand of cards as a kid. Growing up in Brooklyn is hard enough without having your father leave you and start another family right down the road. Her mom died when she was twelve, her stepfather ignored her, then he tried to rape her one night. Noely is tough as fucking nails though. She hit that sick motherfucker and ran away.
I remember the first day she missed school that week. I’d had this awful fe
eling of doom looming over me all day. I stopped by her stepfather’s apartment, but there was no answer. I went home and told my dad she missed school. He shrugged it off as her being sick. But then she didn’t show up for the rest of the week, and as each day passed both my dad and I knew something wasn’t right. Years later, I found out he’d taken off work the rest of the week to search for her. There were many fights between her stepfather and my own father that week. That Friday when I came home from school, my father walked through the door with a dirty, pale Noely. That’s the first time I remember feeling my heart get stuck in my throat, but I’d come to know that feeling well over the next sixteen years with her.
Noe came out of the shower an hour later wearing clothes Rich and Ryan’s mom brought over. She wouldn’t look at me, and it only took me a moment to realize she was trembling. I’d never seen her so scared. Even when her mom died, she wasn’t scared. She was just sad.
As my dad continued to speak with Rich and Ryan’s mom in the kitchen, I approached her.
“Noely, what’s wrong?” I asked her.
She shook her head wrapped her arms around herself. She was still shaking like a leaf. I pulled her into a hug and held her tightly.
“I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” I told her.
“I don’t want to go into foster care,” she finally admitted.
“You won’t,” I assured her. “You’re staying with us.”
“Okay,” she whispered, but I knew she was crying when I felt the tears stream down my neck.
“Johnny, son, Mrs. Sherry wants to talk to Noe for a minute,” my father interrupted us.
I reluctantly let her go, realizing I wanted to hold her tightly forever, so she never felt afraid again. I was angry at the world that she was so scared.
As. Mrs. Sherry took Noely into my bedroom and shut the door, my dad sat me down on the couch and told me what had happened to Noely early Monday morning.
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