"Noely!" I yell at her and try to keep my shit together.
"What?" She turns around and yells at me.
This shit ends now. I cover the space between us and grab her arm to haul her to the bathroom but her face scrunches in pain and the slightest whimper escapes from her lips. I drop her arm with shock. Now, I’m hurting her.
Fuck!
I stare at her beautiful face, that doesn’t seem quite like hers right now. I throw the hat off her head to uncover how much time she put into doing her hair. I hope it’s enough for her to tell me what fucking happened. She doesn’t do anything but stare back at me, so, I grab her by the hand and haul her into the bathroom.
Please don’t let me find what I think I’m going to find. Please don’t be right. Please don’t let me find out someone hurt her again. I promised her when we were kids that I wouldn’t let this happen again. If this happened again, it means I didn’t protect her. I wasn’t around when she needed me.
Fuck!
"Why are you being such an asshole?" she asks as I drag her behind me.
"You lied to me. You never lie to me. You want to pull some shit over on the twins? Go right ahead, but you've never lied to me
I can barely hold the emotion back. I’m falling apart. I’m scared to know. I wet a cloth under her sink and raise it to her face. I swipe gently down her cheek and find exactly what I feared I’d find. She tries to push me away and escape the bathroom, but I grab her under arms and set her on the vanity. I step between her legs to box her in from escaping from me.
I look down into her blue doe eyes and let it take me to a calmer place before I do or say something I’ll regret for the rest of my life, "It's too late now, Noe baby. Sit there while I take all this shit off. Don't you dare fight me on this."
She pushes against me anyway, as I look down at the black and blue hues that grace her cheek bone.
How could someone do this to her of all people? The violent, sadistic thoughts that run through my head scare me. I grew up in Brooklyn. I’ve fought. I’ve been pushed around and had to fight back, but I’ve never had the urges I have at this moment. I’m close to seeing red. I have to reel myself in before I scare her more.
She continues to fight against me and yells, "Let me go!"
She’s bordering on hysterics. This isn’t my Noely. Somebody hurt my Noles and now she’s afraid for even me to touch her. How did I let this happen to her?
I wrap my arms around her and whisper in her ear, "Tell me what happened.”
"It's none of your damn business!"
I remove her from my chest and grip her shoulders as I look down at her face, "You're wrong. If it has to do with you, it’s always my damn business.”
She turns her head and whispers, "Go back to your party.”
I try to speak, but choke on my words. How could she think I’d leave her when she needs me? How could she think that I’d be at a fucking bar when someone just put their hands on her?
I’m able to speak on my second try, "That's not where I want to be.”
She laughs as though she doesn’t believe me, "Right. Johnny fucking Rome never turns down a party, especially one thrown in his honor."
Her words hurt. They cut me fucking deep.
She pushes me away and walks into her room. I use her departure to get my shit together. I place my hands on her vanity and lean forward. I focus on my breathing and close my eyes.
She doesn’t need you to have a panic attack. She needs you to take care of her. Breathe, man.
I get it together after several minutes and pick up my phone to call Jimmy.
He answers on the third ring, “She okay?”
“Yeah. She… uh, she’s not feeling well. I’m going to stay and take care of her,” I lie and feel like shit for doing it.
I should be telling Jimmy fucking Crawford exactly what happened so we can find the asshole that did this to her.
After I hang up the phone, I stand in her doorway and look at her form in the bed. I take another deep breath and walk to the opposite side of her bed. I kick my shoes off and crawl under the covers. I reach under the covers for her and feel naked skin touch my fingertips. My hands freeze as my dick twitches.
Shit.
I breathe deeply once more and wrap my arm around her bare stomach and then pull her to my chest. I snuggle her close like I did when we were kids. I hold her tightly so she feels safe. It always made her feel safe when we were kids.
"I'm sorry I yelled," I whisper into her ear.
"You're an asshole.”
"Sometimes. I'm not mad at you, but nobody puts their hands on you like that. I told you that a long time ago."
And I failed to protect you again.
We’re both silent as she’s consumed by her own thoughts. The guilt settles deep in my chest and threatens to tear me open at any moment.
"I didn’t want anyone to know,” she whispers.
I’d never let anyone get away with this, Noe.
"Too late for that."
"That’s not your decision to make."
How could you hide this from me? How could you lie to me? I’ve always been yours.
"I made it, Noles."
"Well, those times are coming to an end. You guys will be on tour. It's time I live my own life,” she tells me.
Her words cut deeply once again. Does she think that she won’t hold her place as Queen of Blood Feather when we’re on tour? Does she think we won’t drop everything for her at a moment’s notice? The thought that she thinks she’s so forgettable and disposable pisses me off.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I seethe. When she doesn’t answer, I flip her over to face me and demand, "Answer me.”
"I'm tired,” she answers. “I don’t want anyone else to know, Johnny. You made it your business, but not a word to anyone else.”
I push the covers back and scoop her up in my arms. I’ve got to get this shit off her face so it doesn’t get infected. I can’t stand to see her beautiful face hidden under all this makeup. I set her on the vanity once again and use a warm cloth to wipe the makeup from her face. I use what she has to disinfect the wounds and apply antibiotic ointment to each open gash. I have to ignore her nearly naked body, since she’s only wearing a bra and panties.
“Noe,” I whisper down to her.
She looks like she’s lost in another world.
“Noely, baby, I’ve got to take pictures in case you decide to press charges,” I say softly.
She doesn’t reply so I give her a moment for my words to sink in. I have no idea if she actually hears me, but I take out my phone and document every bruise and wound on her body. They cover her face, arms, neck, and ribs. She even has a large one forming on her upper thigh where it looks like someone kicked her.
The light shines on her ribs in an odd angle that I’m concerned for a moment that part of her rib is protruding. I rub my fingertip slightly over the area to ensure all her bones are intact and sigh in relief that they are. She turns her head away from me and looks at the wall to her right.
I realize that the reason she’s so angry towards me is because she’s ashamed. She thinks this is her fault. She thinks she somehow deserves this.
Where did I go so fucking wrong? I treated her like fucking royalty all of her life. I was always close by and me and the guys always made sure she knew she was the best fucking woman in Brooklyn.
“You deserve better than this, Noely. You deserve so much fucking more," I tell her and gently pull her chin up until I'm looking into those big blue eyes.
Her lip quivers and my heart breaks in two.
"This stays between us,” she pleads.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Her big blue eyes tear up and her quivering lip throws me into a fight between looking at those eyes or her pouty lips. Even with the bruises and busted lip, she’s beautiful. I swallow and then I lose my mind, because I lean down and kiss her. I hold
her face in my hands as I brush my lips against hers.
To my surprise, she doesn’t pull away. Instead, she leans in and any willpower I’ve built over fifteen years vanishes in that instant. I’m scared to hurt her, but I have this overwhelming need to show her how much she’s really worth. How fucking precious she is, and how much she deserves to have from a man. My tongue touches her lips and she opens up to me. My dick goes rock hard in that moment.
She wants this? Does she know how I feel about her? Has she always known? Or, has she felt this way for the last fifteen years too?
I push the questions out of my head and make it my mission to worship her like I should’ve been doing for years now. I kiss her softly, plunging my tongue in and out of her mouth. She gives it back to me. When she wraps her hands around my neck and pulls me closer, I almost combust on the spot.
A hand runs through my hair and I let her set the pace of the kiss. She’s the one who increases the intensity so much that it makes my chest ache. My fingertips touch every bit of skin I can, running gently across the planes of her body. I’m touching places I’ve only ever dreamed of touching. She touches me back. Her hands push under my shirt and slowly rise from my stomach to my chest and then over my shoulders to my upper back.
Please don’t ever let this be over.
We must spend half an hour in the bathroom getting intimate with each other’s body. I reach down and gently grab her by the hips and pull her up my body where she wraps her legs around my middle. I turn and take her to her bed. I take care with her as I ease her down on her back, and then I climb between her legs. My denim-clad dick hits her pussy which is only covered by her panties. She moans against the friction.
That’s what she sounds like and the sound alone elicits a “fuck” from me.
We continue kissing and rubbing against each other until once again, I’m overwhelmed with a different kind of guilt.
I’m taking advantage of her. She can’t make this decision right now.
I look down into her eyes and find her eyes clouded with arousal and her plump lips swollen from my kiss. The man in me wants to bang on his chest and let the entire world know that I know what she looks like now. I know what she looks like when she’s beneath me.
I beg her, "Tell me no.”
She doesn’t say anything.
Tell me to stop, Noe. Don’t let me fuck us up. I can’t lose you.
She stares at me for a long moment, but the second she pushes her pelvis against mine, I dive back in and kiss her again. I’ll take it slow and give her time to back out of this.
Jesus Christ, which one of us is supposed to be the responsible one here?
I lose the ability to process my thoughts rationally when her fingertips dig into the skin of my lower back and push my shirt up to my head. I break the kiss and let her pull it off of me. I unhook her bra and pull it away from her body. I look down at her chest and almost stop breathing. I don’t even think about what I do next. My hand reaches out and my fingertips glide over her nipples and breasts. Her nipples grow harder when I touch them.
"I always knew you'd be this beautiful," I tell her.
She reaches for the button on my jeans and I suddenly feel like a teenager again. I cautiously run a finger along the top hem of her panties as I lean down and kiss her again. She unbuttons my jeans and pushes them down along with my boxers causing me to moan in her mouth. Her hand reaches for my cock, and I freak the fuck out.
What if she doesn’t like what she finds?
Fuck me.
I break the kiss, sit up on my knees, and speak through my panting, "Fuck, Noely. If you touch me, I won't be able to stop.”
I’m on the verge of a panic attack again. I’m fucking up. I can stop this now. It’ll take some time, but we’ll get back to being us. Then I realize if I stop, I’ll only fuck her up worse. She’ll think I don’t want her. She’ll think I’m repulsed by what he did to her. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I absently touch the inside of her thighs while I try to keep myself from scaring her. She scoots down the bed towards my hand, and once again I’m incapable of control. I watch her face as I push the fabric aside and rub the pad of my thumb up the middle of her wet pussy.
Fuck. She’s wet for me. Her back arches and she moans loud as fuck.
All I can manage to say is, "Shit.”
I slide a finger inside of her and she lets out a string of profanity through her labored breathing.
"God, Noe."
Before I can stop her, she reaches down and grabs my cock. I almost come on contact. I pull my finger out of her and then kick my pants off. I pull out a condom and roll it on. I pull her panties down her legs in haste and look down at her one last time.
Tell me to stop, Noe.
She looks up at me with the sexiest smirk I’ve ever seen. I put off the inevitable for reasons I can’t really explain. Maybe it was the smirk, but I pull her legs over my shoulders and lean down to her pussy. I kiss her lips and then lick up the middle.
She arches her back again and yells out, “Oh fuck.”
Goddamn.
"Tastes so fucking good," I say and put a finger in her again.
She digs her fingers into my scalp, encouraging me to go deeper. I suck every inch of that pussy and swear I’ll never go down on another woman after this. She’s the filet mignon of pussy eating.
"Don't stop,” she begs.
I realize she’s close to coming and I can’t last much longer with her sounding like this.
I pull away from her, place a kiss at her hipbone and say, "I want you to come with me.”
I kiss all the way up her body until she’s writhing beneath me again. She pulls her knees back and encourages me to dive in, but I hesitate as the guilt tries to take over again.
She has to really want this for me to do it.
"Put me in," I whisper against her neck.
To my surprise, she does. She grips me and guides me inside. I pull my face from her neck and kiss her as I push inside.
My eyes roll behind my closed lids. She’s so fucking tight.
I have to stop before I come right now and look like a chump. While I collect myself, I kiss her. She eventually starts squirming underneath me for more. I give in to her, like I always do. I give in like I have for fifteen years.
I move slow so I can feel every inch of her inside. I don’t know if I’ll ever be here again and I want to memorize what it feels like to be inside of her. I want to dream about this for the rest of my life. I cover her lips, face, neck, shoulders, and chest with kisses. I run my hands all over every visible inch of her body as I slowly push in and out of her. She’s so wet for me.
She places her hands on my lower back and pushes me into her as if encouraging me to speed up.
"You're not hurting me,” she says.
That’s good to know, but fuck, I can’t speed up because it will end quickly. I may only have one shot at this with her. I can’t just fuck her quick and let it be over. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I need to remember every second of this. I don’t say anything in response and keep moving inside of her, feeling the pull of her pussy every time I pull back.
I don’t rush. I never rush. Not with her. I enjoy every second of this with her. It’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. I kiss her deeply and try to relay to her what I can’t say with my words. When I open my eyes, she’s staring into mine.
I hope she can see what’s behind mine. I hope she can see what’s been there all along.
When I feel her pussy start to quiver, I push my hand under her right ass cheek and pull her up, adjusting the angle so she can get her release.
"Fuck. Right there,” she says as her back arches and her head is thrown back.
I kiss her chin while she waits for the explosion to hit her. I can’t stand not to be able to see her eyes, so I push my free hand under her head and bring her eyes to mine.
&nbs
p; Her pussy clamps down on me and this etches down in my memory as one of the moments I never want to forget. No woman has ever clamped down on me so hard I could barely move inside of her. She screams out my name making my chest ache again. I stare down at her as her mouth parts and her breaths come out choppy.
Fucking beautiful.
I pull on her ass cheek even harder, bringing her closer to me. Her pussy hasn’t relaxed very much and I can’t hold on. I can barely move inside of her. I use my hand behind her head to pull on a handful of hair. I start to come and feel the euphoric wave wash over my body.
Pure fucking bliss.
I press my lips to hers and the last of my orgasm causes the oddest shiver to run through me. I pull out of her, look down at her beautiful face, and know I have to hold on to her tightly now. I can’t let her go. I remove the condom, and fall down on the bed beside her. I pull her into my chest and listen to her sigh until she eventually falls asleep.
Chapter Thirty
“Dad, why don’t I have a mom?” I ask him.
I’m in kindergarten when I realized today that I was missing something all my classmates seems to have. A lot of the kids I go to school with didn’t have dads, but most of them have moms. It’s strange to hear them talk about all of the things they do with their moms. I don’t know where mine is or if I even have one.
“Come here, son,” my dad says.
He pulls out a chair for me and turns it to face him. Then he picks me up and places me in the chair. He messes up my hair and smiles down at me.
“What made you ask that question?” he asks.
“Most of the kids at school have moms. Do I have a mom?”
“Everybody who is born has a mom and dad somewhere. Sometimes, moms and dads die.”
Before he can continue I interrupt him, “Did my mom die?”
“No, son. She didn’t die. Sometimes moms and dads aren’t good people and so they can’t take care of their kids.”
“Is my mom a bad person?” I interrupt again.
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